my hsuband thinks I'm fat

My husband just admitted to me today that we haven't had sex becauase he doesn't like the looks of me anymore. Should I be hurt? I feel hurt, escpecially since he is overweight and I never think such things about him.

Tue. Feb 19, 3:35pm

I meant husband. I know how to spell, just for all of you who want to correct it!!! LOL

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 3:39 PM

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is so hypocritical.
Have you changed your weight / body shape since you met him? Has he?

And the question is not so much "should you" feel hurt, but rather DO you feel hurt? If he loves you he would never have sid it that way.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 3:43 PM

OP here. When we first met, I was 220 pounds. He told me to lose weight. I did, I got down to 139. He liked my body at around 140-150. Now, I'm at 188. He, too has gained about 40 pounds. But in his words, "Your a woman, you are supposed to be thin". And yes, I am hurt. But I don't know if I should be all that hurt or if I should take his words to heart and really bust by butt to get thin.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:02 PM

OP here. After re-reading that it makes it sound like I dont' want to lose the weight. I really do want to. But it just makes me feel not so motivated to lose weight when someone else wants me to. I want to do it for myself.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:03 PM

I agree that he should have said it in a way that would not hurt your feelings.

However I am the type of person that would prefer the truth rather than have him lie to me!

A good question is have you put on a ton of weight since you got married? Men are very visual so it may be hard for him to see you the same way he used to if this is the case. Women are not as visual so I'm sure that's part of why his weight gain doesn't affect your sex drive.

The question you should ask is: are you trying to lose weight? If so it's going to be a slow change and hopefully you are doing everything you can for YOURSELF. Don't lose weight for someone if you are comfortable and healthy the way you are. If you are unhealthy and NEED to lose weight go for it!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:06 PM

Well, there could be a few other things. Do you take the time to wear nice things to bed? (Negligees, chemises, babydolls, whatever- or flannel PJs?) Do you put effort into looking your best regardless of your weight? Or do you wear oversized clothes trying to hide everything? If you have been doing anything that suggests your ashamed of your body, that doesn't help him like it.

Personally, I would be hurt, but not devasted. I would get to a counsellor. I admit my highest weight was 215 (5'6) and I never had a hard time finding a guy who couldn't keep his hands off of me.

I think any guy who stops sleeping with you because of your weight is a jerk. ESP if he's overweight himself.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:11 PM

Well, if when you met he told you to lose weight, then you shouldn't be hurt, because you knew he's that concerned with looks. I met a guy I liked, who liked me, but told me I needed to lose 20lbs to date him. I told him I'd never date a guy who said that and told him to get lost. You however married the guy.

So don't be hurt, just lose the weight, and know that your how you look is of SIGNIFICANT importance to your spouse.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:14 PM

Op if you want to lose the weight, do so for yourself, for your own healthy and happiness.
Like a pp mentioned, if you are hiding behind the baggy clothes then start making some changes in your life. It sounds like you need to get your confidence back, and if you set up a weight loss plan with reward plateaus, such as 10lbs = new make-up, 15 lbs = facial or spa treatment, 20 = new clothes (including lingerie) you will have it back in no time.

Remember it is your body and you are the one who is going to live in it for the rest of your life, make it a great place to live :)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:25 PM

I think some of these comments have really great advice. I'm impressed. However, I just have to point out that your husband's comment about women "supposed to be thin" is biologically incorrect, and media influenced. Women have curves and carry fat at higher rates than men because they are child bearers. I'm sorry your husband is so ignorant. I hope you lose the weight for yourself as well as for him.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:34 PM

men are from mars

U know what....don't take it personally.
Ever seen the Michael Basden (sp?) show...or heard him on the radio? men want their women to look as we had when we met...while women look to change the men from how they were to what we want.

Often times we (men & women) say things to the ones closest to us, that isn't loving or nice for that manner...but it's often from a deep down dislike of ourselves more than our partners.

I wouldn't take it too personally, least not as a negative feedback from him; but look at it as an opportunity to change. It wouldn't hurt, less you felt the same about yourself. Truth be told, we cannot expect someone to accept that which we're unwilling to accept....and that includes our bodies.

I had to come to the realization (after my spouse said something quite similar) that I couldn't possibly expect him to love me, if I didn't love me or the 80+ pounds I'd gained over our 10 yr marriage. Sure, I cried over it...but I have since decided that it was well beyond time for me to commit myself to MYSELF (u following my logic?).

U have posted here on PeerTrainer, so I assume you have made a similar commitment....Or at least trying to commit to changing some habits and feel better about being YOU... Kudos.

Don't dwell on his or anyone else's comments, dismays, or negative talk. Girl, it's high time that we women quit comparing ourselves to one another and pull together to lift up one another.
It's also high time we quit looking to another to validate our worth/value and seek deep within.

To thine own heart be true...

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:41 PM

PP - so true. Women are "supposed to" have more body fat than men.
My boyfriend has definately become more intrested in sex since I lost a little weight. One of the "moments" that made me realize it was time to start this weight loss journey was him comparing me to another girl (who i thought was super-cute) describing her as "a bigger girl, like you". He knows better than to call me fat, but I can definately tell he likes me thinner!
If i were you, i would tell your husband that you will lose weight, but only if he does it with you!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:46 PM

Excellent suggestion 4:46.

Being a guy I have to ask... How do you politely tell your spouse that you would like her to lose weight and not hurt her feelings?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:59 PM

While I don't think the OP's husband went about telling her in a sensitive way, I'm not sure there's _any_ good way, 4:59! Consider that she probably already knows that she's overweight, and doesn't need your input on that subject. Input on how you feel might be more welcome.

I had a bf who put on about 50 pounds v. quickly after we started going out. And I think that sexual desire is what it is -- I sure wasn't interested in sleeping with him at that weight. It was far from the only thing wrong with that relationship, though, and I never did come up with a way to express that before we broke up.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 5:23 PM

as the pp mentioned 4:59, there is no sensitive way. I'd say the only chance you have is to say that YOU are going to focus on being healthier- not about losing weight, but about eating healthy food, and staying moving to prevent aches, illness, etc., and ask her to support you and see if she's willing to join with you.

If you can try and connect something like her cramps, or moodiness, or tiredness, anything like that to why she might benefit from living healthier, you *may* stand a chance of getting her to lose weight.

And if she notices she starts losing anything, odds are she'll be so happy she'll go with it from there. BUT, you have to set it up so she feels that she is helping you do what you want, and not like you're trying to get her thinner.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 5:28 PM

Ask her if she wants to train with you for some sort of physical activity, 5k, 10k, marathon, whatever. Or say you want to start spending more time with her and ask her if she wants to join some sort of team with you. my husband and i play on an indoor soccer team together and we are on a tennis league together. pretty soon we will be joining our church softball team together. These are all really fun activities that are active that you can do together.

If you start doing one of these things her body may naturally lose a little weight with the increased activity so COMPLIMENT her on that. example "you looked great before but now that we started walking or running together your legs/stomach/whatever look great". I dont want to speak for all women, but this positive reinforcement would really get me motivated to look my best for you. Plus all these activites really play to my competitive nature.

hope this helps.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 5:40 PM

OP here....Thanks for all your great advice. I think I understand things a little better and I can't wait to lose the weight for good, and as my mom always said, I can't wait to knock his socks off!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 5:42 PM

HUH ?

Am I the only one who thinks that the OP's husband is an a-hole ? If she met him and was 220 lbs and is now 40lbs lighter... while he has GAINED 40lbs... then does he really have any room to be so critical ? If she wants to loose weight for her than great... but to tell her to just "loose the weight and know its important to your husband" is BS. Your husband needs sensitivity training.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 5:49 PM

PP, I'll agree her husband is an asshole, but you must have missed the part where AT 220, he told her to lose weight, and she got down to 139. So she knew when she started dating him, that he would only accept her at a certain weight. She then married the guy. So she made her bed, and has to lie in it.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 6:11 PM

To the man (4:59?)-
Approach it from a health and/or lifestyle angle rather than a looks angle so that you don't end up sounding like the OP's shallow, double-standard doofus of a husband.

-Talk about being more active parents, or if you don't have kids yet, about healthy pregnancy and conception (obesity often affects hormone levels and can mess up this process).
-Talk about a really active vacation you'd like to take together, whether it's learning to surf in California or trekking in Nepal.
-Whatever you do, don't make it sound like your love/desire/marriage depends on her dress size. Only manipulative control freaks and shallow doofuses do that.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 6:17 PM

Also if you got down to 139 you are obviously a fairly small woman. 220 on you must have been difficult to carry. It's probably not in your best interest to even be in the 180s.

I say if you want to lose weight - DO IT! It sounds like you are happier at a more healthy weight anyway!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 6:33 PM

Why on earth would you continue dating someone who tells you to lose weight? That right there is a big warning sign. If he couldn't accept you for you why would you put yourself through that just for him. If you lose weight it should only be for you and your health. Personally I would tell him to go screw his fat self and take a look in the mirror, then I'd get rid of him.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 12:02 AM

4:59 you tell her that you would like the both of you to be healthier so you can have a long, happy, active life together and maybe you should both make some lifestyle changes to accomplish a better life together. Don't make it about her, you love her, don't hurt her feelings. Do it together even if you don't need to lose weight it will still be together.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 12:06 AM

I would absolutely be crushed if my bf told me I was "fat" and that's why he didn't want to have sex w/ me! However, I don't think he would ever put it to me that way. You know, come to think of it, maybe that's why he got us both gym memberships at the beginning of the year?.... Anyway, I really think your husband could've worded it a little different than he did and spared hurting your feelings!!! SHAME ON HIM!!! As women, we have a lot going on as far as taking care of our homes, our families, and working our jobs. Sometimes we don't always make enuf time for working on our bodies like we could...Tell him that you would be more than happy to go to the gym, but he needs to start helping you around the house so you will have at least an hour of free time for yourself!! And if you have children, he has to babysit them while your gone! Do yourself a favor, stand in front of the mirror and look into your own eyes and stay there til you see into your soul and see just how gorgeous you really are.....it's not all about the outside! Anyway, I'm sending you tons of hugs! Now, go look in the mirror!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 3:33 AM

Wow!! Your man needs a good swift kick in the rear! One, women are supposed to be curvy not thin, how the hell are we supposed to have children if we are stick figures? HELLO, look at nicole richy, even she finally gained weight when she became pregnant, it was a necessity she was wayyyyyy too skinny. Two, a better approach should have been more along the lines of lets improve our health. My hubby noticed some of the changes since I've been working out and now he's starting to be motivated too because of it. One should never, and I mean NEVER call someone fat. Don't ppl realize that some ppl are fat because their parents did the whole you need to lose weight thing? How about, especially in a relationship, it be a joint effort? Makes more sense to me. Sorry OP, but he sounds like a total butt and that he needs a new hole ripped. Stand up and don't take that kind of abuse, you deserve better than that from someone who is supposed to love you.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 10:07 AM

I'm the OP....3:33...I think that was a beautiful comment, thank you

Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 12:27 PM

He's probably right.

People are attracted to the visual first off. You never look across a crowded room and say, "Wow, that guy has the best personality in the room!" I agree with the poster who said you knew what you signed up for when you married the cad. Sorry dollface!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 1:55 PM

My husband told some one she has a butt and I have gutt...made me feel bad even though he was saying something negitive on both of us. I have always had a issue even as a thin person with the size of my bottom half...so it made me feel bad. I am one that when I feel bad I eat, not a win win situation for me! Need to get back on track for me like all of you have said.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 2:17 PM

My husband managed to tell me that I needed to lose weight with out hurting my feelings too badly. I was hurt because I realized he was right, not because he told me. Here's how he did it:

First off, we have a great relationship where I have no doubt I am the most important thing in his life and he will love me no matter what.

Next we were sort of on the topic anyway. We were talking about our kids and I was saying that I loved what they had brought to my life, just not what they brought to my body. I guess I sort of asked him what he thought about that and he told me that I was an amazing woman and that he would love me no matter what size or condition I was in. Then he admitted that on some level he was still just a shallow man who wanted a really hot wife.

It didn't hurt my feelings because he didn't actually say anything about me and he was making fun of himself for being shallow.

Saturday, February 23, 2008, 3:30 AM

I think I would be pretty hurt if I were the OP. Before me and my husband were married, I (jokingly) told him that he can gain up to 50 lbs. after we're married and I'll still love him. After that, I'll still love him, I just won't hang out with him. I was joking, but still a little serious. I don't want my husband to be fat. I am attracted to him thin like he is. Just like I think he wouldn't like it if I shaved my head, he is attracted to women with hair. I don't think he'd like me to gain a ton of weight either, even though I know he would still love me if I did. I'm rambling. What I want to say is I think it's great that your husband can be truthful with you. Maybe he could have thought about his word choice just a little more (okay, a lot more). You have two choices: 1. Be hurt and harbor resentment towards him until it affects your life and your marriage in a negative way. 2. Realize that he was just trying to be honest with you and work on yourself (you could even make it a husband and wife team effort-grocery shop for good foods together, workout together, plan a vacation to reward yourselves together).

Sometimes we need to hear the words that people say and then ask ourselves what they were really trying to say. I bet what's really turning him off is your low self esteem or negative attitude towards life. Weight gain is just a symptom of the real problems.

Let us know how it all works out!

Saturday, February 23, 2008, 9:55 AM

This is crazy to me, I just don't get these comments coming from you women. How on earth should the OP want to lose weight and knock his socks off? He himself has gained weight and he is complaining about her still being smaller then when they first started dating. Women are just as visual as men. I wouldn't want my hubby to get fat and then start complaining that I've gained some weight, it would probably have the opposite affect on me and I would gain even more or I would become resentful since he gained weight also. Clearly for some reason you love this man and even chosen to marry him after he already stated you were to fat and needed to lose weight. I think you have bigger issues then needing to lose weight, maybe you should work on your self esteem and confidence and you wouldn't put yourself in a situation where a man will treat you like that to begin with.

Sunday, February 24, 2008, 8:00 AM

Ridiculous

Everyone needs to stop being so negative about the OP's husband. She married him and she loves him, nothing negative anyone can say will or SHOULD change that. On top of that, imagine going to your best married friend and telling him/her that their spouse is an a-hole? Why is it so much easier to do on a forum? Give me a break, grow up and think about people's lives/feelings before you say such incredibly insensitive things. I'm sure the OP's husband was just worried about her for several reasons, other than his level of sexual desire.

OP, you should want to lose weight becuase its better for you, and you'll live longer and get to spend more time with your husband and be HAPPY the entire time you're doing it. If he told you that he thought you needed to lose weight, you need to ask yourself and him WHY he thinks/you think you need to lose weight. It will never happen if its not for the right reasons, and the right reasons need to be that you want to be happier/healthier/more active so you can do things together, etc.

Sunday, February 24, 2008, 10:55 AM

EVERYONE wasn't making negative comments about OPs hubbie, "Ridiculous".

I think this is a good discussion, because it happens all the time! Your spouse's body changes and sometimes its a tough subject to discuss, it is so sensitive.

OP I think you are brave for discussing it. And you know your body and what is best for you.

Sunday, February 24, 2008, 12:00 PM

10:55 I fail to see why you wouldn't think the OP's husband is a dick. First of all would you chose to still date a man who tells you your to fat and need to lose weight? Your just dating him, no woman who has self confidence and a high self esteem put up with a comment like that, let alone lose the weight and marry him. I think its clear that the OP knew from the start he didn't like or even have sexual feelings for fat women, but the way he said it this time is different. He is not sexually attracted to her because she is to fat. Thats huge, and the fact that he has let himself go and has gained weight is an issue also that she should address with him. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. I just wonder how hes going to treat her when they have children and her whole body changes and she won't be able to control the shape it will become? He is an asshole. There is a difference in loving and accepting someone regardless of how they look and being concerned for their health and their lives together, the Op's husband is clearly shallow and is mainly concerned about how people will view him with her. He is an ass.

Sunday, February 24, 2008, 2:24 PM

Amen, 2:24- The hubby isn't cared about her weight/health- he cares about her appearance. If he cared for her health, he wouldn't hold back sex. He's simply not having sex with her because she is too fat. In the unlikely chance that he thinks not having sex will motivate her to lose weight, then he's not an ass, but an utter idiot. Either way, his behavior is pathetic.

And would I tell my best friend her husband was being as ass, if he was being an ass? ABSOLUTELY. I believe in being honest, and telling the truth. The truth can hurt, but denial is worse.

Sunday, February 24, 2008, 3:55 PM

This is a good exchange of information in answer to OP

Great job to ALL of you responding posters for giving your input without getting mean and nasty!!!! :) :)

Sunday, February 24, 2008, 4:26 PM

When my husband "gave me the talk" about losing weight, I was initially very hurt and upset. However, I came to realize that I act differently when I am overweight... I don't dress up as nice, I have a lower self-esteem, I am not self-confident, I am self-conscious. Those are the things that my hubby missed the most about me, and once I realized that, I wanted to lose weight badly, not just for him, but also for me. As I am losing weight, I am feeling more confident, I am dressing up to look good for both of us, and I am much more happy with who I am. And THAT is what he really wanted. Weight was not the ultimate problem, it was all the other baggage that came with it. If I had a physical condition that made me look like that, he would have had no problem. It was that I wasn't taking care of myself and the problems that came with it that was the real issue. So, I say, look inside yourself, and see things through his eyes. If you have a good, solid, loving marriage, there may be more to it than him just being a selfish jerk!

Sunday, February 24, 2008, 5:01 PM

Similar question

I have begun to loose weight. Down to 143 from 184. And now I want my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years to start taking his health more seriously. He overeats, does not excercise, smokes and is very stressed, all at 26! He once tried to tell me that our sex life was suffering because I gained weight since we started dating but I told him he was full of crap. I love him, but I want him to be around (and healthy) for me and my two boys (ages 6 and 7). But I fear he still thinks he is immoratal. And I know he is a bad roll model for healthy living for my boys. What do I say? I have tried to talk to him about it. Do I just keep loosing weight until we don't have compatable lives anymore? We already eat seperate meals!

Sunday, February 24, 2008, 9:12 PM

none

i no where u are coming from my husband hasnt came right out and said it but sometimes i can tell thats what he is thinking and it does hurt but we are both going to the gym 3 days a week because he to is overweight and things seem a little better

Sunday, February 24, 2008, 9:46 PM

Im Fat

My parents never told me I was fat..because I wasn't until now. People are fat because they eat too much and don't excercise. No one else makes you fat..you do. No one forces the food in your mouth,you do. So ,then it's only you who can lose the weight. You have to do it for you and really really want to. It's not easy and its not about will power its all about life style changes. Hubby sounds like a butt...next time he says you're fat ..say "you're right but not for long "and then ask him if he plans on losing any of his blubber butt.

Monday, February 25, 2008, 8:54 PM

OK, Here's a very sneaky way to tell your wife she might want to consider losing a bit of weight. It worked in my case (I'm the wife) and I still don't know if my husband was trying to tell me something or not.

I was wearing some sexy little underwear one day and my husband said I looked so good he wanted to take a picture of me. I figured what's the harm? If I don't like it I'll just erase it. As soon as I saw the picture my jaw dropped, and not in the good way. My husband felt really bad, actually. He had meant it to be fun and instead it made me feel like crap...sort of ruined the evening if you know what I mean. I joined the gym the next day.

Anyway, that was over a year ago and now I've made major progress. Now I can look back and think it was funny. I'm still not sure if my husband was trying to send me a message. I don't think I want to know. I just know the results have worked out well for both of us. :)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 1:27 AM

1:27 I think your husband was probably for real. A lot of men overlook the little lumps and bumps we see on ourselves. Granted as long as you weren't some huge amount overweight or just needed a bit of toning, they just see tits, ass and sex. My husband thinks I am hot and I am 30 pounds overweight, would he like me thinner sure but it doesn't stop him from thinking I still look good. Now if I was like 50+ overweight he might think differently.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008, 1:58 AM

my husband did the same thing. We've been married 4 months but together for 3 years. I was probably 20lbs lighter when we met.He always said he loved me just the way I was. In a fight we had he called me fatty. That hurt so bad that I left for the night. He knew that I've always struggled with my weight..even after I had his child and was a stay at home mom(which didn't help). Since then I've joined the gym and gone back to work, all in one wk.I know my husband is a royal jerk and is overweight himself but my fear is that once I start losing the weight that a whole new set of problems will open up..ie now i'm getting attention from more men or if i'm not home i'm out cheating.Guess I'm just not sure what to do now. Any suggestions?

Friday, October 30, 2009, 12:41 PM

12:41p - Assuming you aren't going out of your way to draw attention to yourself and you're not courting attention (i.e., giving your husband a reason to have negative reactions) - your husband's reaction to you losing weight and doing something good for yourself is all on him. Those are his issues, so let him own them. If you start apologizing, you set the tone that you have something for which to apologize. Doesn't mean you have to be heartless and insensitive, but you don't need to view taking care of yourself as a 'problem' - that you've created - either. You've done nothing wrong and so I hope you will not use it as an excuse to not take care of yourself.

Friday, October 30, 2009, 1:23 PM

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