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Advice please: causing a fight before moving or leaving
Every time I leave, whether it's moving, or taking a new job or a general situation, I have a fight with people in my life. What I'm upset about is valid, but I find my timing interesting. I was moving to california and 4 weeks before I left, my boss didn't know, but I decided to tell her everything I thought about my job. Then 2 weeks later, I gave her notice that I was moving to California. I could have just left, nicely, but instead, I feel like I caused that rift. And now, my daughter is leaving to go to another school, I decide to tell the teacher, 1 week prior, everything I thought. Why couldn't I just leave gracefully? Help. I want to learn the root cause of this and not do it again.
Thu. Feb 21, 11:06am
I don't know what your problem is, but it is too small a world these days to burn your bridges. You never know when you might need a recommendation from one of those people.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 11:21 AM
Not sure what you're problem is either, have you talked to a doc or psychiatrist? They may be able to get to the root of the problem.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 11:26 AM
maybe anger is easier
I do the opposite when my fiance comes home from being away I pick fights with him. But for me I think I find it easier to be mad at him than to face the fact that I was sad while he was gone. Maybe you're trying to avoid your real feelings of sadness about leaving or fear of the unknown?
I find it way harder to say I feel sad than to snap at someone - it's a defense mechanism.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 11:32 AM
Are you off your freakin rocker??? A psychiatrist? Sounds to me like its the other people with the problem.
OP... These things are just coincidence. Don't change your honeslty and the way you do things because other people are going to get mad. You did nothing wrong.
I am finding more and more that there are a lot of people out there who are just not right in the head. It's actually pretty comical.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 11:38 AM
Do you feel guilt over leaving, so you feel compelled to justify your leaving by pretty much putting all the blame on them? Do you have a problem telling people what you think unless you're going to be leaving so that you don't have to listen to or deal with their response?
Honestly, I don't think you're going to *like* why you do it. If you had a good healthy reason to do it, you wouldn't feel like it's a problem. So take a good hard look at all the reasons why, and search out the cause instead of a justification.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 11:39 AM
It sounds to me like you bottle things up and don't talk to people when stuff bothers you. Instead you somehow think you're being nice by letting your injured feeling build and build while the object of your frustration blithley goes about their life with no idea that this stuff is churning inside you. Then when if becomes apparent that you may be able to get out your frustrations at a point where you will not have to deal with the emotional fall-out for more than a very short period of time you let 'em have it.
I'd concentrate on better communications at the moment you realize something is an issue for you. Try a little introspection and see if you can identify specifically what irritated you and why and try addressing it nicely with the person, giving them the benefit of the doubt. Don't let things build to the point where you can't converse about it without getting angry or overly emotional - you lose your objectivity and thus the ability to resolve the situation equitably - instead it becomes win-or-lose with both parties usually losing, and one party feeling blindsided and confused.
I don't know how on-target that was given your rather short explanation, but that was my assessment of your description. Good luck!
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 11:54 AM
I am the 11:26am poster. I know that the psychiatrist is pretty up there...but I had anger problems and I really didn't know what was causing it. Seeing a psychiatrist doesn't mean anything bad or negative. They are pretty good at talking to you and getting you to open up.
By the way 11:38pm, I didn't appreciate your comment.
The OP has asked for help, and that's what I provided...I don't have a weapon to her head saying that she MUST follow my advice or else. It was an option...in the end, it's her/his choice.
I only suggested this because I went to a psychiatrist and it helped so much with my anger problem. I now know why I get angry and I know how to control my anger. It's actually quite enlightening and it teaches you more about yourself than you could ever imagine.
OP. I hope that you do find a suggestion on here that will help. Good luck!
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 12:37 PM
Even a counsellor without a degree in psychiatry can be a big help, and cost less.
However, I personally think more and more people SHOULD be getting trained outside help. We are SO bomabarded by negative media messages, and so few people are taught how to think positively and control their thoughts, that many people are miserable, simply by virtue of their own perspective. That's sad, and with the right help, completely fixable.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 12:57 PM
Perhaps you think by leaving you have the opportunity to say things to people you wouldn't or shouldn't say otherwise, thinking that you will never see them again. Whether you believe your giving constructive criticism or not some things are left better unsaid and that definitely goes for employers, don't bite the hand that feeds you. Maybe you should just learn to shut your mouth when it comes to certain things.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 1:10 PM
It's not a coincidence as someone suggested. You have noticed a pattern about yourself and you're wondering what it's all about. It's not about choosing to be honest or not, either. It's about how you choose to express yourself. One can be honest and forthright about their feelings without attacking others or causing a fight. When you 'attack' you do nothing to improve a situation and you turn off the other person to any valid points you may have had. You're the one who comes across as 'not right in the head.'
It does sound like you hold things in and then wait to express those things (the way you do) when you know you can cut and run and not deal with the consequences.
And, true, you don't have to change how you do things just b/c of how others react, but you do have to be willing to live with the consequences (or fallout) of that decision!
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 1:25 PM
11:38 here. Point taken. You are not off your freakin rocker. Apologizing.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 2:13 PM
I'm the op and thank you for all of the advice. A lot of it makes sense. i tend to hold in my feelings until i know i don't need someone or the situation anymore, then i explode. i'll be thinking about this for a while. thanks - it's helped me a lot.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 2:21 PM
Just don't come back and bitch us all out when you decide to leave PT ;)
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 7:05 PM
So you know how it comes across to those in a position to observe...
It's scary as hell. You think you know someone and then - boom! - it's like Jekyll and Hyde. I end up feeling awfully glad that the manic nutcase is out of my life for good. There are some things you really can't take back.
Thursday, February 21, 2008, 8:14 PM
It's a normal reaction, a lot of people do. It's easier to leave when people, yourself included, are angry. Then you don't have to deal with the other feelings - guilt, loss, anxiety - about leaving. It's way easier to be angry and have people mad at you so good bye isn't so hard.
LOL, I do the same things when my friends get married ( I'm divorced, BTW). It's hard for me to deal with, so three times now I have gotten into huge fights with friends right before their big day. Yeah, I suck as a friend but I didn't realize I was doing it. Now that I know, and so do they, it's easier to deal with the actual issues. Good luck, k?
Monday, February 25, 2008, 2:16 AM
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