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Question about how to motivate a man to take care of health
I am very concerned about the way my boyfriend eats. When we first started dating he changed his diet to eat in a very healthy way and dropped about 15 lbs and was looking and always saying how great he feels. The last 5 months or so he's drinking more, eating more junk and fattening foods, put the weight back on and is irritable. I've tried to point out that he's not eating the way he used to but he seems to be in some sort of denial. I'm very concerned because we're thinking about moving things to the next level but I have worries about his long-term health since he has some serious health issues in his family. I've tried to bring this up to him before (numerous times) which didn't get too well received and then tried to point out when he was eating poorly so he'd realize that he wasn't in fact eating great. I think I am just coming across as a nag since he has now gotten on the defensive about it.
Question is, how do you motivate someone or help them get healthier with the situation I'm in? I love and worry about him so much. Any input from guys on how they would want to be approached (or maybe not approached at all?) would be appreciated.
p.s. please don't suggest sexual favors etc. We're doing just fine in that area.
Wed. Mar 12, 3:09pm
Withhold the favors. It works - I've seen men jump through hoops to get them reinstated.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 3:28 PM
He's probably gotten defensive because he knows he's gained weight again and he knows you know he's gained weight fat again. I would express concern about his heath and how you notice he's drinking more than usual and eating poorty - 'is there anything going on?' And then, 'Is there anything I can do?' Then aside from what he asks of you - leave it alone. I don't think men are any different in this area than women - everyone wants acceptance and it's hard to hear others comment on our weight no matter how well intentioned.
Lead by example, praise his efforts, and since he's lost weight before there's no need to revisit what he needs to do or shouldn't do. Ultimately, you can't motivate him, he's got to find that for himself.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 5:22 PM
BTW - could my spelling/typing be any worse in that post? Sorry!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 5:24 PM
stop nagging please
I had a heart attack or MI about 5yrs. ago. I smoked a pack of cigs a day, was way overweight, had high blood pressure, taking 10 different meds and I am married to a doctor. Do you know when I changed my ways? It was about 2 months ago. My wife would mention that smoking was bad for me but she knew that I knew that. She also knew I was eating too much salt and fried foods, so she reduced it whenever she cooked for me. She never nagged me and I appreciate that so much. I tell her now that I love her even more for standing by me while I decided when it was time to stop killing myself. Was I stupid? Yeah, of course, but I did enjoy those years of being stupid.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 11:33 PM
This is going to come across cold, so accept the apology ahead of time.
You are not married to him. Going to the "next level" doesn't change or improve anyone. It is a myth that marriage will change him.
You may love him, but if he isn't right now, he will never be. You can't nag or change a man.
My advice...if he is displaying behavior that you don't like, dump him now.
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 7:53 AM
Unfortunately I don't know that you can motivate someone else. They have to want to do it themselves. My husband was always in great shape because he worked construction (manual labor) for years. Now he runs all the heavy equipment and doesn't get that kind of physical "exercise" anymore but he's still eating the way he always did. Well, that's not entirely true, I don't buy red meat for the house anymore so he sometimes gets it out but not as often. He basically stopped drinking soda and switched to flavored water but still eats those darn cookies of his and now has quite the belly to show for it. If he would just come work out with me he'd probably drop that belly in a month knowing how fast men lose weight. But "nag" as I do (I don't really nag, I just keep asking him to come work out with me for MY motiviation) as well as telling him how working out together can be so great for our sex life I STILL can't get him motivated in exercise. When he wants to he will is what I figure, I can't force him but I will continue to bring it up in what will hopefully feel to him in a "non nagging" way.
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 9:52 AM
I completely agree with 7:53.
Don't feel the need to change him, only he can do that. And withholding sex is going to weaken your relationship.
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 9:57 AM
Considering how men are so concerned about their penis size, I'm surprised they let themselves become more than 30 lbs overweight. When they get fat, the padding around the groin region gets thicker, which encroaches upon their length. I've seen several men (I'm in a medical profession) so fat that when they're flaccid, it's like the turkey timer before it pops - you. can't. even. see. it. Plus, even a normal size penis looks tiny when it's flanked by an enormous belly and pillowy thighs. I call that the "troll doll" phenomenon.
Friday, March 14, 2008, 12:55 AM
Start cooking healthier meals with him (and have healthier snack options around the house, like dried fruit, nuts, fat free fudge-icles - only 70 calories, ). I definitely agree with the poster that you said you have to lead by example. Exercise on your own (don't push him to do the same, but just have it as a routine part of your life). And maybe incorporate physical activity in your dates (i.e. walk in the park, bicycle ride through the city, hiking on a camp trip, swimming together at the local ymca).
Friday, March 14, 2008, 1:05 AM
other great people are available.
Saturday, March 15, 2008, 6:34 PM
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that commented.
I won't withhold sex because I don't believe in using sex as a weapon. Everyone else gave me something to think about. So thank you for taking the time to give me your input.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008, 10:13 PM
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