CommunityBrowse groupsBlogEtiquetteInvite Your friendsSuccess Stories

Lounge
Community 


OT but relationship advice needed.

My bf and I have been together for 5 happy (mostly) years. 3 years ago he decided that we should take a break for 6 months while he traveled in Southeast Asia. He wanted to be free to do whatever (or whom ever) he wanted. This was devastating to me since I wasn't included in the travel plans. But I couldn't break up with him because I loved him too much and didn't love or respect myself enough. I realize now I should have broken up with him right there and then like my family and friends told me to. But no use in dwelling on the past that can't be changed. So he came back and we got back together and things were back to normal. During his time away, he admitted to having sex with one woman, just one night. But I suspect there were more but he didn't want to tell me because he knew that would probably jeopardize our relationship and I probably did not want to know it. Recently through our mutual friends, I discovered there were many more woman and many more indiscretions even when he came back to the USA. I feel angry and betrayed. 3 years later, his trip and his infidelity still bothers me. And I think about it for long periods of time, which leads to bouts of crying and emotional eating. I don't know what to do. Do I forgive and forget? Or will he never change or really grown up? I am so torn.

Tue. Mar 25, 3:33pm

Add comment  
The 'Time out' that you agreed to is one thing. However, if he slept with other people while you two were together that shows very little respect for you. These so called friends, why did they know? Is he flaunting it? You know what needs to be done.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 3:36 PM

Add comment
OP here. I'm not sure if he has slept with anyone here, but he's been seen flirting and hitting on other women in front of our mutual friends (some of whom are closer to me than him). I don't think he's flaunting the past, but our group of friends is tightly knit so word gets around. I asked one of our friends directly if they had seen him cheat on me. He told me "technically no but really thinks I should move on." I'm so tired. I wish things were less complicated.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 3:41 PM

Add comment
Of course the infidelity still bothers you, it sounds like he hasn't been entirely forthcoming or honest about it. Until that happens it's pretty hard to have a mature, honest relationship. What are you torn about? Giving up a guy who cheats and lies? Love is great, but it doesn't change a person. A good predictor for future behavior is past behavior. Imagine the feelings you have now - x10. That's what it feels like to find out your spouse has cheated and lied when you're married. Definitely forgive - that's for you. Then move on.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 3:46 PM

Add comment
If a guy friend is telling you to move on - move on!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 3:47 PM

Add comment
3:36 here

That is so heart wrenching when you lose faith in someone you care for. Have an open and honest conversation with him. Then, if he can't be what you need, go find what you need. Nobody deserves to have their love treated as if it is unimportant. Best of luck and love to you.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 3:50 PM

Add comment
OP here. Leaving is easier said than done. We have built a life together. And I made a lot of sacrifices to be with him. I wanted to marry this man and have his children. And I may still. I just don't know. And I do know he really loves me in the way that he treats me, but it's just when I'm not around that I get worried. Yes, he has lied and he has cheated, but that's not what makes a person WHO they are. Admittedly, this is a huge character flaw, but he is also loving, gentle and considerate. I'm not perfect either. I guess I'm scared to be alone too. I feel like he's apart of who I am. He is my family. He's everything. I know what I should do, but I just can't muster up the courage.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 3:58 PM

Add comment
You say you may still want to marry and have children with this man- if you have a daughter would this be the type of guy you would want her with? You worry about what he does when you aren't around, that will drive you crazy because you can't possibly be with him 24/7.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 4:29 PM

Add comment
Sounds like you have given this guy a free ticket to use you. Really no offense intended, but "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". You told him he could do whatever he wanted for six months relationship-wise and now you are worried you can't trust him? So what is the standard in this relationship? Talk about a good case for marriage...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 4:57 PM

Add comment
3:36 here

OP, you have made your decision. You are not leaving. OK, a lot of women make that same decision in even more terrible circumstances then yours, for their own personal reasons. So, accept that you don't trust your future spouse. Accept that you are willing to take the chance of him cheating, and him attempting to hook up with other people in front of your mutual aquaintances. If you believe that the good things in this person outweigh the 'character flaw' more power to you. Most people get what they deserve in a spouse. Generally the only family member they get to choose.
I hope it works out for you. I really do, I hope I sound sincere and not all judgey.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 5:01 PM

Add comment
sounds like you can't let it go. does it matter if there was 1 or 100? Nope. if you can't let it go, let him go. for both of your sakes. why stay with someone you're never going to forgive or trust and why waist your time?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 5:23 PM

Add comment
He is just not that into you. Keep your self respect and leave.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 5:57 PM

Add comment
You're deserve better than a guy like that. Move on...you're worth it.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 6:09 PM

Add comment
My heart breaks for you OP. I wish you could really 'hear' what you've said. If your very best friend came to you with this - you'd advise that 'It's okay if you can't trust him when he's gone, it beats being alone - even if you are insecure all the time. Really, this is all you deserve, anyway. Invest even more of yourself in him?"

A person who lies and cheats is showing you exactly who they are - it's not what a person says, it's what they DO. And no one's perfect - that's not the prerequisite for having a partner that's honest and trustworthy.

It sounds like you came here to get validation for staying, but I hope you'll really listen to yourself and not your fear of being alone.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 6:55 PM

Add comment
All the advice here is good. If your bff came with the same situation you probably would say to leave!
But relationships are very complicated, and no one knows precisely what is happening and the dynamics of your relationship like you do. Here are the questions you need to answer and do with them what you wish:
1. What does his not telling you about everything say about his ethics?
2. Is this lapse in judgment something you wouldn't mind seeing in your future children?
3. Have you saved enough of your personhood to leave once you decided to?
Think about the values you want to instill in your children. Think about how you want them raised. Then look at your boyfriend. Is this the person you want to influence your legacy (through your children)? If yes, okay. If no, take steps to end things. If you don't know, just save these questions and keep them in mind. We women tend to put up with a lot by ourselves, but won't put that pressure on our kids. (That may explain the divorce rate post children!)
Good luck, thank you for reaching out, and if you don't have a clear answer now, that's okay. Just keep questioning and thinking. It will come to you.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 7:55 PM

Add comment
ONE MORE THING

I have seen this behavior performed by a couple of guys that I thought never would. After awhile they did it again, or overall treated the accepting wife or girlfriend even worse. It was if they lost respect and trashed all boundaries.
Of course the female was not ever at fault, but she gave the message that she was a doormat... they just kept coming to the door and stepping right on her whenever it was easy. You will be more respectable to yourself when you move on.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 12:24 AM

Add comment
I agreee with 4:29. Would you want this kind of man for your own daughter because this will be her role model for life, and your reaction to it will teach her that it's ok to get dumped on and not trust your man.

He's sticking with you #1 because you worship him even when he's an ass, and #2 he knows you listen to him more than everyone else. Mark my words, he will marry you, have kids with you, then leave you for someone else when he realizes there are plenty of women who will do the same thing. Gather what self respect you have left and kick him to the curb. I know the thought of being alone is scary but believe me you will feel awesome knowing that you took charge of your life rather than letting your life just happen to you based on someone else's whim.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 9:00 AM

Add comment

Next: Click Here For Recipes That Help You Lose Weight
New: The PEERtrainer Cheat System
The PEERtrainer Cheat System is a new, simple to follow system for eating. The objective is to help guide you towards a way of eating that will make it easier to lose weight, give you more energy and help you feel better. It is free, easy to follow, and a little unusual and controversial. Most of all it is working. This link will take you to a blog post where you can download a FREE copy of the Cheat System Diet Cookbook! The Cheat System has also been turned into a major book to be published May 6th, 2014. According to Srini Pillay, MD, Harvard Medical School: "It works in a real way with how human psychology works...I love that it relates closely to how the brain likes to function... without crazy effort and with significant short-term gains."
Here is a preview of the cover:

Cheatcover

You can get started on the system for free by clicking on this banner:

peertrainer cheat system

"Gives you the template to lose weight without sending your hormones in a disastrous death spiral."

-Sara Gottfried, MD, NY Times Best Selling Author

"The Cheat System Diet is brilliant! Jackie Wicks understands how the brain works, and how habits are developed in the real world."

--Steven Masley, MD, Assistant Professor University South Florida

 






Explore Related Articles
Weight Loss Motivation   Sustainable Weight Loss
Weight Lifting    Hypnosis and Weight Loss
Emotional Eating   Help Losing Weight
Free Weight Loss Program   Weight Watchers Points  NutriSystem
How To Change Anything

weight loss coaching


New Services and Offerings From PEERtrainer:

1) How To Achieve Sustainable Weight Loss This is a new 12 week program that helps you solve the mental blockages that are prevent many from sustainable weight loss. The most interesting thing about the program is what participants are saying and you can click on the link to read them.

2) Tip Of The Day Weight Loss Coaching Program-- This is a daily email program that helps to reinforce fundamentals as well as gives you practical tips each day. We are getting GREAT feedback from subscribers.

3) What Are Your Odds Of Losing Weight?-- Take the PEERtrainer Coaching Quiz Now!

4) Tip Of The Day Blog-- We update this each day with responses to specific questions from our coaching subscribers and customer.

5) New Diet and Weight Loss Content-- We have launched a new diet section that organizes the growing amount of content on the site. When you click in the most important areas are highlighted.









Related Content:

How To Lose Weight- The Basics
Weight Watchers Points System
The Fat Smash Diet
The Eat To Live Diet
The Beck Diet Solution
How To Get The Motivation To Lose Weight

 

How To Be Successful Using PEERtrainer

How To Burn Fat
Online Weight Loss Support- How It Works
Does Green Tea Help You Lose Weight?
Tips On Using PEERtrainer
Visit The PEERtrainer Community
Diet and Fitness Resources

Fitness

Weight Watchers Meetings
Learning To Inspire Others: You Already Are
Writing Down Your Daily Workouts
Spending Money On A Personal Trainer?
How I Became A Marathon Runner

 

Preventive Health

How To Prevent Injuries During Your Workout
Flu Season: Should You Take The Flu Shot?
Are You Really Ready To Start PEERtrainer?
Super Foods That Can Boost Your Energy
Reversing Disease Through Nutrition

New Diet and Fitness Articles:

Weight Watchers Points Plus
How To Adjust Your Body To Exercise
New: Weight Watchers Momentum Program
New: PEERtrainer Blog Archive
Review Of The New Weight Watchers Momentum Program
 

Weight Loss Motivation by Joshua Wayne:

Why Simple Goal Setting Is Not Enough
How To Delay Short Term Gratification
How To Stay Motivated
How To Exercise With A Busy Schedule

Real World Nutrition and Fitness Questions

Can Weight Lifting Help You Lose Weight?
Are Protein Drinks Safe?
Nutrition As Medicine?
 

Everyday Weight Loss Tips

How To Eat Healthy At A Party
How To Eat Out And Still Lose Weight
The Three Bite Rule
Tips On How To Stop A Binge






PEERtrainer Is A Free and Powerful Online System For
Weight Loss Support

Click Here To Learn More and Join!