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OT...Nervous about Engagement, Just Need advice!
Hello, sorry this is OT, but this is the only forum I come to and you guys are great!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm 24 and became engaged to a guy I love whose 36 last october. I know it's because he's older that he really wants to get married this winter, but I am dreading this! I do want to marry him, but we were only dating 7 months before we got engaged and I just need more time! I have confessed to him I can't bring myself to get married until Summer 2009 at the earliest, and I told him from the start that I'd need along engagement. He's quite fustrated, but I think what are a few more months to wait?
I just am all confused over this issue. I think this whole issue is due to our age gap.
Tue. Apr 15, 1:43pm
I've always said if you have to answer something with I DON'T KNOW, then the answer is no! If you can't whole-heartedly make a decision, then don't do it until you are 100% ready. If he loves you, he'll wait for you.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 1:50 PM
Instead of setting a date for the wedding, why don't you set a date that you'll agree to talk about the engagement/wedding. If you are stressed out for the whole time between now and September 09, you won't want to get married then either. You should agree to not discuss it at all for a specific (ok if it's long) period of time. If you're not ready to get married, don't do it! :-)
Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 1:52 PM
Wow, I just have to say I relate to this almost %100, it's almost scary! Definitely looking to see how everybody else feels about this too.
Thanks for posting, even though it was off topic =)
Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 1:52 PM
At this point he seriously needs to back off and let you be the initiator of future conversations. I can pretty much guarantee than although he's frustrated and doesn't see why you guys can't just go forward that any further efforts on his behalf will not have the desired effect - they will just make you feel 'hunted' and stressed out. It takes a lot of strength, but by putting the ball in your court and dropping the issue - he guarantees that whatever you decide is the result of your own thoughts and feelings, not a knee-jerk response to external pressure.
However, if he can't do that and you're not ready, then you guys need to consider moving on because he's at a stage in life right now and you're not there with him. Nor will you be if he continues to try to push you there, but at the same time he has a need that is not being met, so if you guys can't find a way to meet your need for more time and his need for security and family in the immediate future, then you both owe it to yourselves and each other to find someone who can meet those needs. Best wishes to you both!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 2:35 PM
I am 24 dating a 35 year old for 8 months and if he asked me to marry him tonight i would say yes - but I would want a year or more engagement. If he really wanted to do it in the winter I would agree though - I know he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with regardless his age. In fact I would rather get going on it than wait so that he isnt a really old dad (I want to be married a bit before kids).
Why does he want to get married this winter so bad?? and why are you so scared??
Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 6:36 PM
I guess I don't get the difference a long engagement is going to make. I understand if you need that time to save money or plan for a wedding, but if you need it to be "ready", then you're just stalling. It sounds like you love him but maybe deep down you know he's not the one.........he can't be if you're in two different places in your life. Does he want to marry you so he doesn't lose you, and are you delaying it so that you can keep him without marrying him?
You have to remember that this is supposed to be for the rest of your life. If you have even one iota of concern, you should not go through with it. Don't sacrifice your feelings or concerns because you don't want to hurt him. You'll be doing him the biggest favor in the long run by not breaking his heart later when you realized you made a huge mistake. It's not just a break up then, it's a divorce.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 6:48 PM
Just make a plan that makes you feel comfortable.
I am not clear as to why he is in such a rush. Does he want babies right away? If so, maybe you should negotiate, as I can understand that he may want to be a dad in his late 30s
If this is not the case, then there is no reason you shouldn't be able to wait for your wedding day without frustrating him.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 9:12 PM
Pre-marriage counseling! I recommend this to everyone I know, from the people who are dealing with a few lissues, like yourself, to the ones that are completely blissful. Pre-marriage counseling is a bit different that other kinds of counseling because, besides dealing with any current issues you and your fiance might be having, it also deals with issues you'll probably have in the future.
I did pre-marriage counseling (we called it marriage prep) though my church before I got married because it was required in order to get married there. At first I dreaded it but it actually turned out to be a lot of fun. Now I've moved to a new town and I sometimes help with the pre-marriage counseling program at the church here.
You could probably do some sort of counseling with a family/marriage counselor, but don't be afraid to call up a few local churches and see what they have to offer, even if you're not involved with those churches in any way. I know that what I did through the Catholic church was open to anyone, not just Catholics. Though we did talk about spirituality it was with the understanding that perhaps not both members of the couple were Catholic, or maybe neither of them were but they were getting married in the Catholic church to please their parents.
Mostly I say just don't rush into anything, talk to him about how you're feeling, be prepared to compromise a little bit as long as he's prepared to compromise a little bit, but don't do anything you're not comfortable with.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008, 12:36 AM
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