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I know what it’s like to love someone I’ll never have. It’s a horrible feeling. My heart aches and my soul is content when I hear his voice, see his face, smell his cologne. I want what I can’t have. I can’t have something that’s within reach. How do I get through my life knowing the one person I love isn’t mine and never will be….
Tue. May 13, 11:42am
Oh boy, I have been there!
The only thing you can do is move on. Sometimes one needs to MOVE on -- I moved halfway across the United States. Limit your contact with this person for a few months, at least until you get it out of your system. Focus on your own accomplishments in other areas. Don't wallow in despair, distract yourself with constructive tasks.
You know what will happen? You will meet someone else. And that new person will seem even more wonderful. AND the feeling will be reciprocated! :-)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 11:51 AM
Been there, oh man about 5 years ago.
When he left, I was devistated. I mean totally devistated. Honestly I don't know if I have ever hurt so bad in my adult life.
How do you get over it? I was forced into a separation. So it is a bit different situation.
All I can say is to try not to torture yourself by seeing him all the time or waiting for that look, touch, smell.......
And honestly for me I prayed for help.
He was not healthy for me and so he was removed.
Like I said devistating but in the end I am so much stronger and a better person than I am when he is around.
My heart goes out to you.
Keep reaching out to those who love you and care about you.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 4:37 PM
Op checking in
thanks for your input. That must have been awful for you to go through. But it appears it was good for you to be done with him. That takes courage.
It just doesn't seem right to not be with the one person who gives you butterflies and makes every nerve calm at the same time. It's like a cruel joke life is playing on me.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 4:47 PM
oh, oh more thing. It's not a phase or have him in my system. We've been friends for years and have felt this way since day one.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 4:49 PM
Sometimes the butterflies and such come around because of the appeal that you CAN"T have him. Put your energy into someone you CAN have. I was one of those people who lived for the torture of it all, that it was better to pine away for someone I couldn't or didn't have rather than feel nothing for anyone at the moment.
I don't intend to be harsh, but move on. I know you can't get over someone just like that, but be sure not to wallow in your suffering either. Everyone looks better when you can't have them...............
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 2:44 PM
Don't make someone a priority, when they only make you an option.
Sounds like me when I was 17 and clueless. Relationships harden you a bit, and time matures your heart.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 2:50 PM
Oh my...been there and honestly I think it's the stuff that keeps the world turning. Love, attraction doesn't alway line up the way we would like. Just note that you are alive and kicking...waht a great thing to have confirmed in yourself. Some people never have the experience of loving someone...you do. Keep the faith...someone will show up who can return the feelings.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 2:57 PM
Been there...got the T-shirt...here's one for you...
I have been there....more than once....twice. The first just cannot commit because he has his own issues. The second was a married man who I was very good friends with at a very lonely time in my life. He told me he loved me after 6 months and I realized he had become my rock. It hurt like hell to end the relationship, but I could not let him leave his family for me. I was young, dumb, angry, running from so many things that I sought comfort wherever I could find it. And it was not always healthy.
You know what I learned from it? There is a reason why you want someone who is unattainable. You have to get to the bottom of that reason before you can get over him. Is there something you see in him that you wish you had? Do you have a picture in your head of a perfect relationship and think he is it? Something destructive in you is seeking him out...find it...deal with it...and then get rid of him.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 3:27 PM
PP, you nailed it right on the head. I haven't been completely honest because I know what people will say, but here's the full story. I am married to an abusive man. My male friend is the only one who truly understands why I stay--to protect my children. I have never had an affair with my friend despite what you and others may think.
I know people will come back with "the grass is always greener on the other side" and that is true. However, now that I've seen how I should be treated, i want that. he makes me his priority when I need an ear. He has NEVER once told me to leave my husband or tried to interfere, but once in a while he will drop a very subtle hint that he wishes I wasn't there.
I agree with you, PP, he is my rock in this difficult time. I know that makes him more attractive--and it should. He hasn't called me weak for staying, instead he has said I am strong.
Some days are easier than others, today is an easier day..
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 3:48 PM
I agree with the previous poster. I had a similar problem, where it was was really me - something within me that needed healing and I thought I could get that from someone else. it doesn't work that way. Once I figured that out and started working on myself, that's when the right one found me. good luck OP! it takes time, so don't expect a miracle over night.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 3:50 PM
Happily married but my heart ached that I could never have Gerry Butler after watching "P.S. I Love You". (scene in the pub when he sings "Galway Girl") Felt the same way when I couldn't have Sam J. Jones from "Flash Gordon" when I was 14. I know its silly but strange to have that weird kind of heartache for someone who isn't even "real".
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 9:39 PM
This is the OP giving an update, maybe for me to type it out and make it reality more than anything.
My friend waited until this morning to tell me he's been dating a gal for a about a month now. I knew something was going, but thinking it and actually reading it are two different things.
I want to feel happy for him, I want him to be happy. I really do.
Which is why I need to let him go. How do I do that and move on and still be friends?
Monday, August 25, 2008, 9:21 AM
It just takes time. Times is the only way to mend a broken heart.
Monday, August 25, 2008, 10:27 AM
Tell him that you wish him all the happiness in the world, that he has been a wonderful friend and hope to keep him that way, If it were me I would probably joke (although serious inside) that if I cant have him for myself, that she better treat him right. lol
Monday, August 25, 2008, 10:28 AM
Do your kids see any of the abuse or have to deal with it as well? I know as a mom you worry about them, but they also need to see you stand up for yourself. You dont want your children to repeat the abuse or be abused. They learn from what they grow up with. Seek out a YWCA shelter. Get help.
Chances are if you were on your own and not dealing with whatever you are dealing with at home, this charming man who is your good friend, may not be seen as your "savior". That is what we tend to do when we are not in the best of situations, we place "save me" and romantic ideals on someone who is nice to us. This man is your knight on a white horse. How awesome that would be if he rode in, grabbed you and your kids and rode off into the happily ever after sunset. Sometimes you have to be your own knight in shining armor and get yourself into a better situation before you find your true partner. Obviously, I do not know your situation and what all you are dealing with, but I have dealt with simular and know how hard this can be. Good luck.
Monday, August 25, 2008, 10:37 AM
At this point, I feel I'm my kids knight in shining armour. If I leave him and get custody of my children, then he has custody of them every other weekend and after school. I can't control what happens when I'm gone. Something will set him off and then he'll start yelling at them and I can't be there to re-direct his anger. I am a very independent person and if I didn't have children, would never have tolerated it this long, but since he's their father, he has rights, too. He told me when I left him before that if I didn't come back, he was going to take the kids and leave and I would never find them. Believe me, this is what he thinks about all day long and probably already has a plan for it. Once they are old enough to realize what's going on and make their own decisions about him, then I will leave for sure.
I know I should be the good friend and wish him well. I know I do wish the best for him, I just chose to ignore that it was going to happen someday.
Monday, August 25, 2008, 11:11 AM
I don't want to offend sweetheart but I think you're fixating on this guy and his potential in your life as an escape for your current situation. You need to start coming up with a plan of your own and foolproofing it. There might come a night that he says or does something to you or your children that is the last straw for you, and you won't have an escape strategy. Start recording what he says as evidence in a future custody trial. Hide the tapes at work. Have someone on the other line (on a cell) be witness to him being abusive in some way. Have a friend you can text or call who is nearby and can pcik you and your children up if that late night ever comes. Drive your car to a nearby shopping mall or grocery store parking lot, leave your car there and have the friend pick you up.
I know you've probably heard this before but you're not serving your children by staying. They may seem okay because they think this is normal. But it is very deterimental to them. Focus on a plan of escape, at least as an emergency plan. When you really start to consider your safety and that of your children, your male friend's doings will become absolutely secondary.
Best wishes always!
Monday, August 25, 2008, 12:11 PM
Would he be physical with your children, or is this just yelling? Not to underscore yelling as that can be bad enough. My point is, as much as your children would be uncomfortable around him and his yelling at least there would be no physical harm and when they are with you, you would be able to comfort them and tell them that yelling is inappropriate, etc. Children can be more resilient and understanding then we give them credit for. In actuallity it is possible that if you left, they would be grateful as then it would be on occasion, when he has custody, whereas now it is..................daily?
How serious do you think he is about taking them and you not being able to find them? Quite often guys are just blowhards and say things just to keep women under their controlling thumb. This is not something I would take lightly, but try to rationalize about.
I agree with pp who said you are fixating on him. In your situation that is so easy to do as he represents sanity, normalcy, a loving and understanding relationship. That is what you deserve. But if you were available, he may not hold that much interest for you as you would see him in a completely different light then. I also agree with her that you need to start preparing. Keep a journal that you can keep hidden from him. Tape recordings can be illegal, but if you have any family or friends that can also keep journals of what they witness or hear that would be helpful. Try not to get your kids involved (dont make them write things down or take sides) as if a mediator or counselor talks to them they can tell if the child is speaking from their heart vs "mommy says" or the strain of trying to remember what to say. They also need to live as normal a life as possible and not subjected to more then necessary. Start checking with sources to see what they offer and can help you with. It doesnt mean that you will ever use their services, it will just give you some guidelines and ideas. They will not try to persuade you in any way as this has to be your choice, but at least know where things are located and what they provide.
Monday, August 25, 2008, 1:06 PM
I have already recorded him threatening me, but the police have said there isn't anything they can do about it, and it's inadmissible in court because it was recorded without his knowledge. there's also no law in my state that makes taking your children as kidnapping.
I haven't seen him be physically abusive with the kids, but he has a temper and anger problem and it only takes one time where he can't control himself and it would be too late.
I already have plans in place and money set aside.
getting back on the subject, my friend has been wonderful to me and I do wish him well, I guess I wanted him to wait until I was ready to leave and move on. In reality, I know that when I do leave and move on, it needs to be with my children only for a couple of years. I need to focus on them and myself without being in any kind of relationship--maybe i'll just get a booty buddy :)
Monday, August 25, 2008, 1:43 PM
Check your state laws on that issue of tape recording. I had to tape my ex husband because he is an alcoholic. As long as one person knows its being taped, I was okay. That sucks if it isnt. If he is abusive however and there is proof, I would think that there are ways of getting the visitation supervised by the courts. There are programs for that. Due to my ex's alcoholism, he gets his visits supervised. He doesnt hit them, but is not allowed to drive them or be around them if he has been drinking. It helps. Good luck to you.
Also, the other guy. He may be great. He may be awesome, but he is not yours. I am dealing with the same thing too. During my divorce I met a guy that was not single and became close because he too provided what my current situation didnt allow for... support. I grew to really feel like I had fallen in love with him but he is NOT single. It sucks. I am still dealing with my feelings, so I feel ya girl. Stay strong.
Monday, August 25, 2008, 9:51 PM
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