EMAIL THREAD Daughter Moving Away to College Next week I drop off my daughter at college (it's three hours away). I've been a single Mom for the past 13 years, she's my only child and I am having such a difficult time letting go. Any advice? Tue. Aug 12, 12:36pm

Personally, I wanted to feel independent from day one. I preferred emails over phone calls for the first 2-3 years. It's less intrusive, but still a great way to catch up. My mom still misses me, even though I've been out of the house for almost 10 years! We keep in good touch (1-2 phone calls and several emails every week). Her way of handling it is to send me packages. I get about a package a week! It varies from simple things, like a candle or bar of soap, to clothes and gift cards. It gives her a way to think of me when she's out shopping and let me know she cares and is still there for me. Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 1:26 PM

I am not a mom and have never sent a kid to college but I have story to share on what NOT to do: When i was in college my best friend's mom had a rediculous attachment to her. She was constantly calling (several times a day) and even started using IM and sending tons of messages even when my friend was "away". It was really stressful for my friend to try and develop her own life at college with her mom freaking out if she didn't respond to the phone calls and messages. In the end my friend resented her mother and their relationship suffered. I would say call absolutely no more than once a day - if she needs to talk to you more than that she will call. Let her grow and discover who she is. Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 1:29 PM

whew! My oldest is going away Saturday...and i just got in touch with the feelings about it reading this thread! I guess I've been using the whole "getting ready process like the $ and the loans and the supplies" to not feel. I can't believe this day is almost here.... talk about a weird feeling. I have been a single parent since he was 3 and now hes leaving. I still got his sister to drive me nuts.. :) but thanks for the tips about "overcaring" I don't see myself doing that but i got to remember to let him breathe and adapt and make a connection there. Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 1:55 PM

I know you are probably really sad, and it's definitely ok to feel the pain of her leaving. I cried when my kids went to kindergarten, but yes, like all of the PP said, you need to give her some space (take your cues from her, she may need you more the first few months). DON'T guilt her into coming home every weekend!!!! Use this time to find some new hobbies, make some new friends or volunteer your time to charity. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU! What an exciting time for your daughter. Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 2:08 PM

OP Here 1:29 - thank you! I appreciate your comments and advice. Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 2:10 PM

my mom was a single mom most of my life and i went to college three hours away as well. it was so depressing at first and it definitely had it's rough moments but all in all we got even closer because of it. Be proud of your daugher that she is going far enough away to learn how to be an adult on her own. having a mother like you is what gave her that confidence so be proud of yourself as well. i am getting ready to move 6 hours away from my mom now and we are both struggling with it but we are best friends and nothing will change that. good luck! Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 2:21 PM

Find one Hi there...I know its not easy. My girls are grown up and live in two different States. I think some of the sugestions were simply excellent and if they don't need us that much that is a success story how you raised your daughter. Also try to find or hook up with a mom with a similar situation that will help a lot. You can talk about all the stuff and don't have to feel someone is judging you. Take care and all the best. Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 2:54 PM

This thread is making me emotional! I am sending my daughter off to middle school next week and I'm struggling with THAT! First, be happy and feel proud. You did an awesome job raising your daughter! Her future is so bright and full of possibilities and she has you to thank for that. What is that old saying? "A parents job is to give their child roots, while helping them to grow wings." Let her use those wings and go discover who she is as an adult. Trust that she will be careful and make smart choices, and pray for her! The roots that you've already established let her know that she is loved and has a safe place to fall when she needs it. Your relationship is changing, but it certainly isn't ending. Congratulations! Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 3:09 PM

OP Here Wow! Thank you to everyone for your kind words and for your encouragement. I'm blown away by the kindness. I guess the best way to describe this transitional phase for me has been such an emotional rollercoaster. At times I am so excited for her and can't wait to hear about the stories, friendships and adventures. Other times, I am just plain sad for myself and a little nervous for her, it's silly to feel this way but I do. I guess part of me feels like I am losing my child and part of me knows I will be gaining a friend through this process. It's the letting go that makes me sad, that this day is finally here. I've always thought about it.. but it's scary when it becomes a reality. For me, I graduated college as an adult thru years of night school so I missed out on the "experience" of it all so I am excited for her and for this new life experience she will have. And yes I am so proud of her! Just a little sad for me. But I will let her take the lead.. I don't want to be overbearing or obnoxious. Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 4:03 PM

I haven't been there from the mom side, but I've been away from home for 4 years now and would like to add something. It's more than likely that your child will want their indenpendence and all that. But don't wait for them to always be the one to call you, or e-mail you. My mom gave me plenty of room when I left and I wondered why I didn't hear from her. I spent too much time thinking that she didn't miss me, and was celebrating her freedom from having kids. Really, she was just giving me space, but don't give so much that they feel unloved! Tuesday, August 12, 2008, 4:47 PM

Since you have only one child, I really feel for you. thats gotta' be hard. I have 5 children and found the beginning of each school year hard (until we started homeschooling). Even though I was married, it felt like being a single parent as my now ex didnt believe in helping out or being a part of family life. My oldest, and only daughter, went to college 5 hours away. It was an emotional roller coaster ride, as you described, happy and excited, then scared and sad. To sort of prepare myself, I tried to psych myself into finding the good aspects, all of the good things that this would mean for her as well as things that I may do now, changes that can be made. The first ride up there to drop her off was fun and exciting as we chattered the whole way there. But she didnt know anyone that was going to school that far away and I knew this may be hard on her, so I cried the entire 5 hours back home. I also didnt want to be overbearing, but called her that evening (she was fine and met all kinds of new people just walking down the halls), and a couple times per week. I also tried to keep my phone calls short so that she didnt mind if I called more often. In between, she called me. At that time we didnt have cell phones and so periodically I bought her phone cards. They werent always used to call me, but they were still appreciated. Back home, I got more involved in things. Granted I still had 4 boys at home, but I volunteer for various organizations, It keeps me busy, I am meeting other people, helping other people and gives me something more to talk about. Of course, I listened to her and all of her exciting (and not so exciting) news first, but at least I wasnt at home "moping". Seven years ago she moved half way across the country. She wants to see the world and sees that the best way is through work. The short trip of 5 hours away, was a good preparation for what was to come. When she was accepted for this job, I felt like I would "never" see her again. It is so expensive just trying to get through one day, without trying to save up money to visit. We spend a lot of time on the phone and while it is not the same thing as being in the same state, at least I know she is doing well. Wednesday, August 13, 2008, 10:28 AM

Would you say that you have a close relationship with your daughter? If so, you might find that as she grows her independence that she might miss you just as much. This is a great opportunity to see your relationship with your daughter evolve into one of friendship, and that will make the parent child one even stronger. My mom raised me on her own, and when I left the nest I missed her very much, now I am in my 30's, I call her every day and I can honestly say she is my best friend. Just give her the room to grow, but still be there to remind her that you love her, and most certainly tell her that you think of her and miss her, just be careful that you do not make her feel guilty that she is become independent, - ie: "the house is so empty without you", instead maybe"I miss hearing your laughter, but it certainly is nice to have the phone back for my own use". Good Luck Wednesday, August 13, 2008, 1:27 PM

I don't have kids, but my mom was in much the same situation (luckily, she was re-married by the time I left, so she still had my stepfather to keep her busy, but I was their only child). I went to school about 2 hours away, but I worked my way through college so didn't come home much. My mom used to drive me crazy in college by calling and expecting a response right away (within an hour or two). We finally had to work out a rule where she gave me at least 24 hours to respond before freaking out. I definitely suggest calling -- my Dad never calls me and our relationship suffers a lot for it -- but just being patient and understanding that she might be busy. Also, when she does come home, never pick that time to lecture her on not coming home often enough! My mom used to do that, and it drove me crazy. Finally, my step-father pointed out to her that I would probably come home less if every time I did, she complained. (True!) Care packages are a great idea. My mom never really did that, but I would have liked it, I think. My grandma used to send me cards for all the holidays and I always called her a lot because of it, because things like that help you feel thought of. Calls sometimes feel like a 'pull' on you, like someone wants something, but a Card feels exactly the opposite. Wednesday, August 13, 2008, 2:57 PM

A big thing, Call her on the special days, even if you don't get to talk to her, leave a voice mail to let her know you love her and remember. I went away to college, and the biggest disappointment was that my own mother didn't call me on my Birthday!!! Her reasoning was that she thought I'd be busy. Well, it still would have been nice to get a call or a voicemail or some kind of acknowledgement on that day. She may be busy at times, but e-mail and voicemail are always there. Let her know you love her and remember the important days, i.e. big test, presentation, job interview etc... Thursday, August 14, 2008, 1:57 AM

Here is my 2 cents of advice... I am the only child of a single mom who raised me all by herself and 5 years ago I too went away to school, which I imagine was a very difficult thing for her. Then, 1 year ago I had to move 900 miles away from home for my job... even harder. Here is what I think helped her and helped me while I was in college and even now that I am a working adult. - I really liked that my mom sent me an email every day or so. It gets hard to talk on the phone with busy college student schedules, but emailing is easier and its always nice to see something in your in box! - Send care packages and special notes etc. I loved getting valentines day goodies from mom my and it really let me know that she cared. -Always be there and be receptive to what your daughter needs to talk about! I always knew that I could talk to my mom about embarrassing moments at a party when I was too drunk, or difficulties that I may be having in class. Some of my frlends had parents who they couldnt talk to about these things. Having that kind of relationship with my mom really helped! I wish you the best of luck! I know it is hard, but you can get through it. My relationship really improved with my mother while i was away at college for all of these reasons, so being apart can help! Thursday, August 14, 2008, 1:07 PM

OP Here Thank you all for all your wonderful advice! You've really made me feel better about her leaving. I don't know how I'll actually feel Tuesday evening when I get her all moved in and drive home but knowing all these little tidbits of information makes me feel like I can do this and everything will be okay. Friday, August 15, 2008, 1:50 PM

Care packages are awesome when you are in school - send little things you know she will love and fun stuff she can share with her new friends. Send one this weekend so it arrives her first week (but dont tell her its coming!). Friday, August 15, 2008, 2:51 PM

Find new activities of your own after she leaves, so that you have something to tell her when you talk. Having stories to share with each other is fun. Hearing what your mom ate for dinner or what the weather is like back home is, well, not. Also, the activities will make your life fuller and more interesting. Friday, August 15, 2008, 4:38 PM

Make sure you listen to her stories. This is such a new exciting experience for her as well. Definitely get involved and do any of the things mentioned but dont hog phone time and get caught up in telling her about your life. Not only is it selfish but she thinks you dont miss her. when my daughter left for college at the parents meeting one of the first things they told us was to not convert your childs bedroom into an office, gym or craft room, even though you are dieing to have one. I laughed in shock as I thought 'Wow1 Who would even think to do such a thing!" but they said you would be surprised how many parents do! It makes their move to college so permanent, and where are they suppose to stay when they come home? Saturday, August 23, 2008, 7:41 PM

daughter moving away to college wow. I was so happy to read all of the comforting postings regarding children moving away to college. My daughter is leaving Dec 18th, to North Carolina and we live in Illinois. She will be living with her father but it still is so very difficult since for most of her life it has been the 2 kids and me. I can only say that I understand completely how you feel, and even if someone at work asks me about her going away, I start to get watery eyes. I am an emotional wreck but I want this for her. How are you doing so far? Tuesday, October 27, 2009, 9:48 PM

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