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How do I tell someone I think she should see a Psych?
She binges incessantly, on my food and then lies about it. She lies about lots of things in fact. I try to be patient but its driving me crazy. She has very little in life to do and I cant decide whether this is part of her problem or she is too unstable to do more.
She in stable enough to put on a happy face and participate to a point in daily life, but for the most part I think she is clinically depressed, emotionally stunted at about age 14 and passive agressive. When I try to explain anything to her about what is bothering me, she makes an over effort... I call it DISNEY, she's uber excited to see me wants to do constant favors and balance whatever she perceives to be off about us which is def MORE taxing on me to not accept any favors because I expect her to do the right thing when she messes up not make me pie or clean the house.
HELP. I have tried talking to her. She is in a stable place for the moment but that could change soon. And, I feel like its moment to moment.
I will be moving out HOPEFULLY in the summer, but if not I might have to stay there a couple months longer. What should I do? Maintain on my end until there is a light at the end of the tunnel or just blast her? Honestly I feel like I have tried everything, long talks, patience, no patience, ignoring, opennes... ahhh!
The best way to say it is that, if she were a friend I would have broken up with her LONG ago, but we live together.
Tue. Mar 7, 11:03am
It isn't worth it
if she's really unstable, you'll just piss her off, and all your stuff is there, plus you still need to get your deposit back. Don't burn bridges... If it is really bad, see if you can move home or sublet a temp place, then tell her you are having a family emergency and need to a) be available b) give rent money to your mother/sister/dog so you are moving early. Always let the other party maintain integrity and save face.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 3:25 PM
She could be manic depressive/bipolar, in which case she really DOES need help. I understand your frustration, but maybe you could bring in other friends/her parents to help. Obviously I would wait until you move out, though. It could definitely get worse before it gets better.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 3:49 PM
She may need help, but unless you are a reallly good friend of hers, you are not the one to tell her. Trust me, no matter what you say it will not matter, only result in frustration, anger, denial, rage, or other intense acting out. Not just her but her family and friends too. You are treading very thin ice.
Try to maintain calm, hide your stuff, avoid her if at all possible, and get out of there as soon as you possibly can to minimize YOUR frustration. People in that condition do not see reason, only a conserted effort on many different fronts (intervention with parents, friends, family and a therapist guiding everyone on what to do and say) can help her. You saying she is crazy will only land you with problems.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 4:35 PM
So, how do you deal with a manic depressive?
I'm concerned if I involve her parents it would end up in denial on their parts and getting "that horrible roommate of yours trying to turn your own family against you".
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 4:46 PM
And that sounds like quite a valid concern. I'm with the posters above - try to keep things as calm as possible until you can get out. I know you would love to help this person but you really can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Especially if you don't have a particularly longstanding or close relationship. If you really feel you must say something I would sit down with her right before you move and express you concerns and wish her well, but mostly I think I'd just bite my lip, protect my stuff, and not let the door hit my @ss on the way out.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 5:10 PM
It's not your job to send her to therapy, nor are you qualified to diagnose her.
I really don't think it is your place to judge her mental soundness - even if she took your advice and went to therapy, it may only make things worse for her (therapy often does) and I'm not so sure that's something you'd want on your conscience.
What kind of lies exactly is it that she is telling you?
With the food situation, I suggest you say very openly that you are having financial issues (or don't have time to shop all the time) so you would appreciate it if you guys did not share your food. You understand that your food may be tempting to her, and so can she think of a solution that would prevent her being tempted. A lot of people who share end up having separate cupboards that they can lock/padlock.
What else bothers you? It is really very possible to live with someone without interacting with them that much, at least it's very possible for a couple of months.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 5:11 PM
I agree with the above posters. Her family has to either be aware of her problems or are contributing to them; no help there. Be cordial and get out. People will not seek help until they come face to face with their problems and that is often because they can't run away from the consequences any longer. Unless she is an immediate threat to herself or others, there is really nothing you can do. It is amazing how (apparently) high functioning some mentally ill people can be.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 5:58 PM
Re the food situation, I once had a housemate who smoked pot, then got the munchies and ate other people's food -- especially my ice cream! So I put a brown paper bag with a dead rat in it in the freezer, clearly labelled "DEAD RAT." Of course, my housemate got the munchies the next evening, went for my ice cream, didn't believe the label, and opened the bag.... ! Boy, was he not happy!
So after that, I surreptitiously got rid of the rat, but left the bag in the freezer -- a perfect place to put my ice cream.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 6:45 PM
Dead rat? That is disgusting.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006, 10:06 AM
An ex I had had snakes and really did keep stuff like that in the freezer. I was really skinny back then... hmmm...
Wednesday, March 08, 2006, 1:24 PM
Thanks for the sound advice. The food thing is bad, I tried the financial situation talk, I tried allowing her the opp to tell me by asking point blank, "did you eat that?". Sometimes it works, mostly it doesn't.
She lies about eating. She lies about favors she "did" for you. She "lies" by withholding information or telling half truths about where she took my car when borrowed it, etc. Not asking you to your face about something and waiting till you leave to leave you a message on your phone- passive agressive stuff like that.
It bothers me that she will tell me almost daily of all the things she "will do" and then the list is repeated every day 80% never happen. I told her to stop by saying " When you tell me these things and dont do them, I become concerned about you and its hard for me to listen to you talking about things that you don't do when you say every day that you will do them"... but then it just starts up again in a few weeks.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006, 5:44 PM
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