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If this is not jealousy then what is it?

I was looking for the picture album my boyfriend filled with recent pictures of us and i came across several albums of his. I saw many pictures of him in his single years at parties, kissing on girls, etc. I got a strange feeling inside that I can't seem to explain exactly what it is. I know it's not jealousy because being jealous is being fearful or wary of being supplanted or apprehensive of losing affection or position. I know these pictures are just good memories of his (I can related because I have my pictures from the past too), but I dislike the feeling I get when I see them. I know I shouldn't even look but they're lined up all along the bookshelf.

For those of you who aren't with you first love, how do you deal with things like this?





Thu. Mar 9, 2:28pm

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Just learn to let it go. What else can you do? The present and the future is what matters, not what he did or who he kissed before he even knew you existed.

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 2:44 PM

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My fiance was a "serial monogamist" before I met him - he had a series of long term relationships, and 4 serious ex-girlfriends. I can deal with it because they all broke up, and from hearing about each of them, I know that I'm way better for him than any of them were! I only hate the most recent one! And she's living in a different country right now!

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 2:47 PM

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insecurity perhaps? I mean, what is there to dislike? He's with you now, the pics are the past? What's to feel bothered about. I look at those pics and think "haha girls, he mine now!! :P" Or chuckle because he was always so fun at parties.

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 2:52 PM

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actually, i think that is jealousy and it's normal. but very few people come to a relationship without some history of prior relationships. be happy you are with him now and let it go.

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 2:58 PM

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Don't you have pictures of you and your friends/ex's? I know I do, so I don't feel a bit jealous about it. Its memories and I bet he hardly ever looks at them.

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 3:05 PM

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I think it's normal to feel that way, too. And I agree that just letting it go is the best plan. That said, it's easier to let things go if you don't dwell on them/look at them all the time. So just avoid those albums, and if you really can't because yours is right next to them, maybe ask your bf to move them to a different shelf so you can get to yours w/o being tempted to look at them. Out of sight, out of mind, and all that.

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 3:07 PM

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It's probably just some little pangs of insecurity, no? Completely normal.

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 3:08 PM

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op here - yup i do have pics of my ex's also. that's why i understand that they are just memories. i just hate the feeling i get when i look at his pics. i guess we'll just have to put both our memories in boxes and be happy NOW. I've got to learn to live in the present! i often dwell on the past and think too much about the future.

i'm still amazed though that he wasn't snatched up before he met me! :)

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 3:13 PM

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I think it's a little jealousy, and that it's okay and normal to feel that way...

I had an incident happen at a party once-- we had been married about 8 years, and we were at a party with some new friends we had made. All of our new friends were single.... There was a girl who didn't know that the 2 of us were married--she is a very big flirt, and was goofing around-- sitting on top of people, including my hubby...

I felt weird inside and so did my hubby-- he was extremely uncomfortable, and I attributed that as a natural feeling of jealousy towards the woman who was flirting.

Later that evening, I mentioned (several times) that we were married--she didn't do that kind of flirting after that--I attributed to the fact that everyone else was single, and she probably assumed that he was, too.

We both discussed it on the way home from the party, and were both kind of uncomfortable around the woman, however, down the road, the whole group of people became friends (she is married now, and several couples formed within the group as well.) I would never say anything to her now, since in my mind, it was an innocent incident at the time....

The only other time I ever felt jealous was back when my hubby & I were first dating--we were 19, he is and was my first boyfriend-- he had 2 other girlfriends before me-- his 1st ex girlfriend sent him one of those "sugarcane" plants-- that are impervious to brown thumbs. Try as he might, the plant would not die!!! I had given him a little plant and he killed it within a few weeks. (Boy, was I mad!) He finally took it out of his dorm room and gave it to his parents.

Funny thing is that even after 20 years, that plant is STILL alive at his parents' house! Now-a-days, we get a good laugh when I ask them about whether or not it's the same plant (it is.)

A little jealousy is a natural part of any relationship. I think it shows that you care about the other person. However, if you are concerned, you might talk to your guy about how you feel.... :-)

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 5:14 PM

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I completely understand. No matter how rational you are inside it's still pics of him with other women and it's OK to feel a little queasy about that. Mentally you understand it's in the past, but your eyes tell you that's your man kissing someone who isn't you!

I know your curiosity is burning, but try to stay out of those albums that bug you - K? The past is the past and looking at them is tantamount to torturing yourself. He can't change the past and neither can you, and dwelling on it will only cause bad emotions. My husband keeps pics like that in something we call the 'Momento box' - I keep my stuff in there too. It's for memories that we don't want lost but don't need to put on display in front of each other. Perhaps you might talk to him about something like this?

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 5:36 PM

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That's a Really Good Idea

...from the last poster!

When my fiance and I first moved in together, all sorts of momentos surfaced in the move. I saw a bunch of pictures of him with ex girlfriends and it bothered me, they were attractive. I never mentioned anything to him until we got into an argument and I brought it up...turns out he had seen pictures of me with my ex, who is a hottie beefcake (my fiance isn't bless his heart, but he's tall!) anyways, turns out he was bothered by my pictures too, probably more than I was about his. He just didn't torture himself by looking at them over and over like I did, us girls are so curious, have active imaginations, and over analyze stuff.

Honestly to the OP, you'll never get over seeing these pics even if he were to toss them, but just know, the boys get equally jealous if not more than us girls!

Hope that was helpful!

Thursday, March 09, 2006, 7:50 PM

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That was all very helpful. Thanks! I talked with my boyfriend and turns out he doesn't like the pictures of my ex's either, so we've decided to go through our albums and put the bothersome pics away in boxes.

Friday, March 10, 2006, 11:25 AM

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Glad you talked to your Ex.
I think it's a sign that you both are on the same page--and that you both like being with each other! :-)

Saturday, March 11, 2006, 1:25 PM

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