EMAIL THREAD OT - relationship question (No such thing as love?) Age differnece? Hi all, I'm sorry to use this place for personal stuff. I've been having issues with my partner and I know PT forums are made up of mostly females, so I was hoping to get some opinions. The history: My partner, let's call him bruce, was working as a bar tender. I went to the bar every friday with work mates for happy hour. We live in a small town and I noticed that he had been there for awhile but never seemed to have friends. I asked him if he wanted to have dinner some time as a friend. It escalated. We've been together almost 3 years now. At the start he made a big show of saying "I'll never love you". He has since admited that he does love me, however he has never ever said it without my prompting. I have to say to himeither "I love you" (then he says I love you too) or I say "Do you love me" and he says "yes". Never in our entire time together has he ever said "I love you". I am 26, he is 41. He doesn't want children at all. There is no wriggle room there. I am 26 and love this guy. Right now I don't want children, but ever since we had this discussion (where he revealed he didn't want children) I've been thinking about it every day. I have had a couple of weird dreams. In one Bruce said to me "I'm going to give you everything you want - lets get married and have kids" and I remember being so happy. Bruce and I have a lot in comomn but I can't help but kniwing that he is 14 years older than me. If we both die at the same age I will be alone forr 14 years. Because there will be no children or grandchildren to keep me company. I don't really klnow what I'm after with this post. I just want to hear from people who haven't had kids. My life is in front of me and to be with him means no chidren.. Fri. Oct 23, 11:21am

I'm also looking for posts from people who are in a relationship where one person is much older or younger than the other. Do the potential years alone matter? Friday, October 23, 2009, 11:40 AM

Don't let that last bit (if we both die at the same age) have any room in your mind except to prompt the two of you to plan adequately for a any future possibilities (get good life insurance, long term care insurnance, save agressively for retirement, etc) so that if one of you is alone, you can rest knowing that the other one is as cared-for as possible. That's all any of us can do. Heck you might get in a car accident tomorrow and leave him alone - there are endless scenarios either way and it's not worth stressing over. However if we're going to visit 'what-if' scenarios, the most common scenario is that neither of you dies early, but that one of you develops a debilitating condition that goes on for years and the other one spends a good chunk of their life caring for them. Whether this is an honor or a burden depends on the people involved. This can be somewhat prepared for financially (but not emotionally), and it is worth thinking about no matter what your ages are. The chances of this happening are great enough that you can't honestly go through your life pretending that it can't happen to you. Re: the whole 'I love you' thing. I could seriously rant a long time on guys who somehow think they are 'protecting' themselves by deluding themselves and do so by passive-agressively taking it out on others. Whether or not this is ok - is up to you. We each have our 'must-haves' in a long term relationshp and like children it may take some soul-searching on your part because he's likely not going to change much. Re Children: This is a really good thing to ponder and it's good that he's been up-front with you about it. Quite frankly some guys would cave and then be emotionally absent dads. Now you have to think long and hard about what you want and you owe it to both of you to be brutally honest either way. A lifetime of you stewing in resentment is not going to make for a happy marriage, so you need to search your heart on this one until you can stand just as firm as him, and it's not going to happen overnight. Also - I and my husband are not going to have children. I simply don't feel that maternal tug and quite frankly I like our life as it is and have no desire to reproduce. We've been together for 8 years and changing my mind has not happened - if anything I'm more convinced than ever that it's been the right decision. That's not to say that there aren't children in my life - I have nieces and nephews and my friend's have kids that I enjoy spending time with, and I get to be the 'cool' aunt that they can confide in when they don't want to bring it up with mom and dad. I love them deeply and in the event that anything happened to their parents - my husband and I would be right there. Howevr I am quite happy to leave it at this and not have any of my own. We have a large and busy network of family and friends that keep us hopping from one city to the next. I love being able to travel spotaneously, to just walk out the door without having made prior arrangements, and to just come home at night and enjoy my cozy, quiet little house. My husband and I have waaay more sex than my married-with-children friends, and we also go out a lot more and have a ton more energy to do things, and quite frankly we have more money to do things with. People with kids get a different set of bennies, but I don't feel like I've given anything up and I feel like I have a very full, happy, satisfying life. Friday, October 23, 2009, 12:24 PM

OK, I can't help but reply. No my spouse is not older than me, one year younger actually. And, no, we aren't childless. We have 4. My gut reaction here is that you are asking, thinking about, dreaming about having children, and one day down the line when Mr. 41 yr. old is Mr. 60 and you are 45, you're going to be wishing for a younger partner and children to enjoy. A few other reactions from your post: "Partner?" Why isn't he your boyfriend? I would never refer to my soul mate/love of my life as my "partner." He won't say "I love you?" Why are you still with a man who won't show his love for you in such a simple way? And what is it that you're afraid of? That is, why are you spending precious years on a man who is emotionally unavailable, who doesn't cherish you, and who is so much older? You can't fix him. Live YOUR life. Friday, October 23, 2009, 12:24 PM

I have to agree with the previous poster. This guy sounds like he doesn't just have issues ... he has a whole subscription. And you sound like you could use some help with your self-esteem. You deserve better than this. As for the kids issue ... it sounds pretty clear that if you really want children, you're going to have to look elsewhere. As a mom (my kids are 10 months old and 2 1/2), I do want to say that I absolutely cannot imagine a life without them. Sure, there are days when I miss being carefree and having extra time and spending money, but I wouldn't trade a single second of my life as their mom for anything else. Sunday, October 25, 2009, 6:24 PM

You are asking questions but I think you already essentially know the answers to these questions and are uncomfortable with them. Perhaps you are also thinking that you have already put three years into this relationship and you aren't getting any younger and if you leave him all these years will be wasted. Furthermore you live in a small town and who else is there if you leave him. But you have to cut your losses. Now. Don't waste any more time. Move to a bigger city. Meet new men. Tell them right away that what you really want is to have their children and to have a great family life with them. If they are scared off, they are not for you. There are lots of men out there who would love to have families. Look for the red flags when you meet a man. What are this man's red flags? -He doesn't have friends. -He can't emotionally relate to you (or probably anybody). -If he hasn't asked you to marry him yet, is he ever going to? -He is lots older than you. -He doesn't want children but you do. -And there are the things you haven't told us. These are very significant red flags. When you pick up on reg flags in a person, don't make excuses for them. Pay attention to them. They are the tip of the iceberg. They don't go away. With the 14 year age difference that you have, not only is there the likelihood that you will be his caretaker when he is old but if he retires at 64 you will be supporting him for the rest of his life. You know what you must do. Many things in life are not easy. A big hug, and good luck to you. Sunday, October 25, 2009, 11:23 PM

Amen, amen, amen. Go now. There is such a thing as true love, but you are not experiencing it. This guy is a loner for good reason. Don't know what they are, but he is not a good candidate for husbandhood! Monday, October 26, 2009, 9:08 AM

I am 24 and my boyfriend, who I am completely head-over-heals and madly in love with, is 47 - and we live together. The reason why age doesn't matter when it comes to love is that you just need a connection with that person - doesn't necessarily have to be age. We both are divorced, don't have children, both are active, have the same tempers, have the same thoughts on faith, both want children, love to dance, love to do very similar things, and share same past experiences. However, unlike your relationship, we both willingly say "I love you" to eachother all the time - not just as a response to one another. Besides my experience, I can tell you that without a doubt in my mind I am in love with him and I can not imagine life without him - I receive the same amount of emotion back from him, and daily at that - this is how I know it is true love. People can talk themselves into being satisfied or settle for someone they do not love - I was guilty of this and I beg you not to put yourself through the same agony. You are in a long term relationship and not in the inital stages of dating...I hate to say this but from what you have mentioned he does not love you. He may like, love you as a person, and respect you - but this is not true you. You deserve to be adored, loved, and appreciated - and not have to ask or beg for it either. It may be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life, but you honestly need to move on. You will thank yourself in the long run. How do you get through this? Time, Keeping Busy, New Hobbies...and of course family and friends. Link Tuesday, October 27, 2009, 2:01 PM

As far as growing old and worrying about outliving someone...there are no guarantees you won't die in an accident or from some disease at a young age just as you can't be sure your partner won't live to be 105! For this matter, age is largely irrelevant. Believe him when he shows you who he is and tells you what he does or doesn't want. Don't make excuses for him. Don't think he'll change. You're getting what you're getting. The question is - is it good enough? Wednesday, October 28, 2009, 1:50 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3sX30NubTs Friday, October 30, 2009, 9:00 PM

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