EMAIL THREAD OT How do you know when you are in love? What are the signs that your love for someone is some kind of easing of cognitive dissonance because you think you two "should" be together, or he is a great catch so you "should" love him? How do you know when you're really in love, or when you're fooling even yourself? Wed. Oct 28, 7:49pm

You just know. Wednesday, October 28, 2009, 10:41 PM

I would say that if you are even asking yourself if this is real then it probably isn't. If it was love you wouldn't even ask the question in the first place. Wednesday, October 28, 2009, 11:44 PM

Oh wow, this is an important question. And "you just know," is not the answer. First, it depends on what you mean by "in love." "Love" is something chemical that happens in the brain, and we refer to at least two different things with that same word. One of those things is essentially infatuation. This is what happens at the beginning of a relationship, and is mediated by dopamine and norepinephrine. It doesn't last, and it's not meant to, biologically. But oh is it fun and exciting when it's happening!! 6 months is normal, 3 years is exceptional; some couples cycle in and out of it for years and years, if they are lucky. Since you are asking this question, I'm guessing that you are through this phase of your relationship. It's important to realize that mad infatuation never lasts forever, and just because its over doesn't necessarily mean you're not in love. The other thing that is called "love" is pair-bonding, or long-term attachment. This is mediated by oxytocin and vasopressin. (You can Google all of these neurotransmitters and pull up a zillion articles.) Obviously, not all couples bond successfully, and if you or your partner haven't -- literally if the "chemistry" is not right -- you won't stay together. But how can you tell? I would say, imagine yourself in your future. A year from now. Five years from now. Imagine you as your happiest, most fulfilled self, having made good career choices and family choices and having had the best of luck. As you imagine yourself strong, successful, and beautiful, is anyone standing next to you? If someone is, who is it? And how do you imagine yourself feeling about him? For myself, I would say that all my life when I performed this exercise I found myself standing alone -- until I found someone I was "really in love" with. Thursday, October 29, 2009, 8:49 AM

'You just know' is the bare bones answer stripped of all the complications we like to throw at things. Thursday, October 29, 2009, 9:16 AM

I'm sorry 'You just know' wasn't adequate for the pp, but for many people (myself included) - it WAS the answer thank-you-very-much. So yeah - I just knew. I knew with every fiber of my being. And I knew that everything I tried to make work, questioned, and overanalyzed before, hadn't even come close. Thursday, October 29, 2009, 10:03 AM

9:16 here...ditto, 10:03am. There was no analyzing, questioning, wondering; no checklists to go through...I just knew. And happily, insanely happily, married 20 years later :) Thursday, October 29, 2009, 10:22 AM

(I'm gonna assume your female...but the comment works either way) While I might not break things down as chemically as 8:49, I also agree that "You just know" ain't gonna cut it either. I've "just known" about half a gazillion times...did I love those men...yep...where they "life partner" and "in love" material...un unh. Ask yourself why you feel that way...does he make you feel pride in him, in yourself? Do you trust and believe in him? Do you feel safe within the "confines" of the relationship? Can you communicate, laugh, share all those things that are important to you? Do you feel afraid (if you're afraid of losing him this could be good...if you're afraid of being IN the relationship it could be good...but if it's because of lack of trust - where does THAT come from?)? Can you "see forever" in his eyes? Yeah, the chemistry stuff matters...but so does all the other stuff. I need an Alpha male who's smarter and stronger than I am...not an easy thing to find...even harder to find one that I don't want to "battle." I'm lucky, he found me...but trying to "settle" into a relationship with someone less well suited to what I "crave" would have just been pointless, in the end, for both of us. And sometimes ya just need to let time answer all the questions... Friday, October 30, 2009, 9:23 PM

Great thread!!! Sunday, November 01, 2009, 1:08 AM

so .. when you're in love then, you have no more questions? Sunday, November 01, 2009, 9:24 AM

The way it has been for me - there may be loads of questions - but they're not about whether I love them. You can always fall in love with a person who is undeniably wrong for you and questions about the relationship can be endless, but love is just something I know and feel. I'm sure it's not always so black and white for people, but from my experience I haven't had to convince myself that I should love someone - I just wake up one day and realize I do! Sunday, November 01, 2009, 6:13 PM

love Love happens when you never get tired of someone, sure you get mad or disappointed, every one does. But through all of that, you still would rather be with them than anyone else. And when you think of your future without them the future is fuzzy, but when you think of your future with them it's clear as a bell. -Married 10 years and together for 16 Tuesday, November 03, 2009, 1:21 PM

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