EMAIL THREAD Is it wrong to ask your spouse for a sex break????????Guys I really could use your advice as well as the women. I have been married almost 18 years and have a beautiful soon to be 17 year old child. I knew going into this that I wasn't in love with my husband but I do love him. I enjoy being with him some of the times but he is way to suffocating. I find myself doing things to avoid him cause he won't let me alone. He is always looking for a hug and a kiss way too often. And sometimes he follows me upstairs to so called help me change. Most of the time he starts rubbing my back and offers to give me a massage but it always turn into having sex. I am finding excuses or avoiding him sometimes so I do not half to find myself in a embrace when I don't want it. It get's really overwhelming sometimes when I can't feel comfortable in my own home. I am so relaxed when he is at work but feel anxious when he comes home. I am trying to hang in there because of our child. I do not want my child to half to experience what most of her friends go though with broken families. I have tried to talk to him about all this affection and he said it is healthy for the marriage. And when I asked for a break from having sex he said "is there someone else?" I was stunned and tried to explain to him I am feeling suffocated and need some time. Is that so wrong to ask for a sex break? So I am thinking that there is something wrong with me. He is a wonderful loving husband and a great father so I feel I should just be thankful that I do have someone like him in my life. It is so hard to talk about this to any of his family members cause there is enough drama in the family. And when I brought it up a long time ago they just said to work it out. I am at the point of resentment and need some loving advice please. Thu. Oct 29, 11:01am

You don't say how often he wants to have sex. If it's everyday or a couple of times a day, then, yeah, I'd say that's a lot! There's a lot to be said for nights hanging out of the couch just snuggled up watching tv. But if it's something like 3-4 times a week, then I'd say it's not too much. He may be a wonderful husband and father, but the surest way to break up your family is to tell him you don't want to have sex for a while. Because if you won't, I'll guarantee that some other woman will. Have you talked to him? Maybe you guys could work out some kind of agreement? And is there something wrong with you? Maybe! There are all kinds of physical and emotional issues that can affect sex. Marital counseling would probably be best. Sounds like you guys may need it anyway since you say you aren't in love with him and never were. Thursday, October 29, 2009, 11:38 AM

divorce rates were much lower when paid sex was legal. Have you considered this? A man with a healthy sex drive is a healthy man. This is a major taboo- but paid sex is best because it is a professional transaction. No risk of emotional involvement. Thursday, October 29, 2009, 11:42 AM

PP: Are you seriously proposing that she encourage her husband to go have sex with a prostitute???? What an idiot response. Hello sexually transmitted disease, hello embarrassment when his face is splashed across the front page of the paper when he's arrested, hello divorce, goodbye job, hello bankruptcy, hello a daughter who is completely disallusioned with men and marriage. Counseling...I agree with the counseling. It does mean that much to a guy. Don't try a break. You need to be shown love in other ways than sex, but he puts much of his worth as a husband in sex. Thursday, October 29, 2009, 1:47 PM

Did HE know going in that you weren't in love with him? And I'm not sure a child seeing one spouse resent and avoid the other is such a good deal, either. If you're going to stay in the marriage, don't just hang in there and bide your time, make strides and do the work to make it better. I would suggest counseling to sort out all of these issues. Thursday, October 29, 2009, 2:55 PM

counseling ++ Also - 11:42's post pressumes the husband actually wants to have no-strings attached sex with a hooker. Just MAYBE he really enjoys having sex with his beloved partner. Sex is more than just assisted masturbation to most men. Men love to touch, men need physical contact. We women often need verbal affirmation of our desirability - men need physical affirmation. He's insecure and needs reassurance. However that may leave you feeling hunted and like you want to escape. In return he presses harder and you retreat further. Not a good situation for either of you. Please consider seeing a counselor. You both deserve a happy union either with or without each other. Thursday, October 29, 2009, 4:17 PM

Are we serious here? Of course she can ask her husband for a break from sex. She's just finished saying she doesn't feel comfortable in her own house, she doesn't feel comfortable having sex. You're all suggesting she force herself to have sex she isn't comfortable with or give her husband up to hookers? I seriously don't understand this thread. OP: Of course you can ask, and you should. No one would feel comfortable in your position, feeling forced against your will. Maybe with some space things will change in terms of how you feel about being intimate with your husband. If not, be honest with yourself, what's more toxic for your near-adult daughter? A broken home or her an anxiety ridden mother who's allowing herself to be guilted into sex by a man she doesn't love. Personally I would want to be a role model for my daughter so she doesn't get herself into the same situation. Regardless of your daughter, though, this is your life and your body. You don't owe this much to anybody, husband or daughter. Best of luck to you. Thursday, October 29, 2009, 4:32 PM

Well I just want to say that you are trying to prevent what you called half the experience other friends of your child experience. But the experience your child is getting when you do not even feel comfortable being in your own home is not healthy either. I think you are intitled to just not having sex if you do not want it , but how long of abreak are thinking of? He does sound like a good husband and you say you are not in love with him, does n=he know that? This could be the reason the break is needed, and I do not mean just from sex. It may not be fair if he is being led on. Ya know especially if you are thinking of leaving him in a year or something when your kid goes to college....good luck keep us posted. My final thought is maybe you could talk to a professional ...maybe it is more then you just not wanting sex...hang in there and by the way I think it is great you are asking because really who can bring this up casually with fam? Friday, October 30, 2009, 12:00 AM

Does your husband know you feel this way? You should allow him decide if he wants to stay in a marriage with someone that feels the way you do. Doesn't he deserve to be with someone that is in love with him and feels comfortable with him touching them. Friday, October 30, 2009, 1:09 PM

Well, I may have a bit different take on things, since I think that physical intimacy between partners is CRUCIAL in a healthy relationship. I have to agree with 4:17...he sounds like he knows how you feel, which makes him feel insecure and so he presses for more contact...the more he presses, the more you pull away. It's about more than just being "good" for a relationship...it sounds to me like it's the only way he knows how to show his affection for you. Insofar as the prostitute thing goes...well...I'm not judgemental...different strokes (no pun intended) for different folks. But it's not the long term answer...I don't think sex is the issue here at all...I think it's an intimacy issue. If it was just sex...a magazine and some privacy could take care of that. Maybe you should ask him to back off a bit and let YOU come to HIM with the advances (of course, this means you'll actually have to on occasion). Ask him to give you the space for your own desires and reactions and not just giving in to his. He MIGHT understand that. The other side of it is just trying once in awhile to say............no. As long as you continue to give in when it's not something that you want...the longer he will continue to push. Sometimes you just have to take the moment to back away and regroup. Be HONEST with him. I agree with everyone else...hanging out in a marriage simply for the sake of your daughter isn't necessarily healthy for ANYone. You just need to find that happy medium. Best of luck to you... Friday, October 30, 2009, 9:10 PM

Amazing insight and advice, 4:17! OP, PLEASE consider marriage counseling as advised. It could really help the BOTH of you! Best wishes. Saturday, October 31, 2009, 10:00 AM

Ditto the PP who are suggesting "marriage counseling" . . . . please write back and let us know how you are doing . . . . Sunday, November 01, 2009, 1:05 AM

After 18 years I would feel burned out. I believe counseling would be a great idea. He may be sensing the distance between you, decides he wants to be close but pushes you away in the process. It sounds like he expresses his love with lots of physical touch but the kicker is YOU don't. This is just not how you are programmed. For you, you may get the same thrill from him saying nice things to you or spending time watching a movie with you. You say that you knew going in that your love was not as strong as it is now, what is that about? To me is sounds like you are seeking a reason to leave and some dangerous thoughts are creeping in, especially the 'I never really loved you' thought. more so than the sex... Sunday, November 01, 2009, 10:08 AM

I think therapy is a must in this situation. It's admirable that you want to keep your marriage together for your daughter, but what you're doing isn't healthy for her, for you or for your husband. Sunday, November 08, 2009, 12:00 PM

There's nothing wrong with you, but it is part of marriage. Make the sacrifice! Isn't your marriage worth it? Sunday, November 08, 2009, 4:35 PM

Most people who often ask for a sex break are having an affair - this is probably why he's worried. I would seriously suggest marriage counseling - you need to find out why you are feeling this way now before it's too late. There is nothing wrong with you, you just need to sort your thoughts out! Also maybe try to find a hobby that you both can do together that takes the place of sex. This will be a new way to spend time with eachother and leaves less room for time in the bedroom. Link Monday, November 09, 2009, 10:25 AM

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