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Boyfriend left me & the lease - does he just need space?

I am a full time college student and I work 40 plus hours every week. I am only 22. My boyfriend works part time 15 hours and he is younger than me by half a year. I ask him to clean and do little things around the house, since for the most part he sleeps all day then watch tv and play games. I do clean when I have a chance, but by asking him to do things, now for some reason drove him away. (still confused?) When we go out or go somewhere I foot the bill, and buy him things without him asking constantly. He thinks we fight all the time about the little things and claims he left because he had a feeling that we were going to fight. Everytime we fight he threatens to leave as well, and he finally... I guess...left.

We have been together for a full year, we moved in together been living together for 10 months. I come home from work and he sends me a text saying that he cannot do this anymore and is staying at his parents. Left before I even got home! Couldnt do it to my face.

The next day we talk, he claims that maybe we will get together maybe we wont. He says he still loves me, and he did miss me. But it was like he already made up his mind and did not want to come home! I told him that I loved him and lets give it another try. He basically walked away after hours of me begging. (hate that I did) He also flipped flopped the whole coversation like I may be coming back tomorrow night, no im not coming back, etc. but we have a lease his name is on it as well till 2011. Will he really abandon me, or should I just give him the space and he'll come back? Who pays for a place that they do not live at? (he's still been giving money for bills so far) He also pull the whole I cannot afford this, and maybe we moved to fast but he wanted to do this all from the start. He also said he was stressed out at work (15 hours?) Im sure he could be stressed but I feel he was being selfish. Does he realize all I do? His parents pay for him to have everything, and I have to pull myself through everything. I had always have to pull my weight (cant afford to miss a day of anything). He went to stay at his parents house. He only took a few things like electronics, and a few clothes.

If I ignore him and give him his space will he reflect back on me?

I trust him completely and he is a very sincere but a fragile person. Sometimes I feel like I am the man and he is the woman. He promised there is no other girl and that he will not see other people. It has been four days since our last discussion. Should I wait for a text from him? I dont want to push him away, but I am starting to try and think of the fact of him not coming back. We have made important steps and decisions together, but maybe that does not matter to him.

Last year around this time we were not living together and only around four months into our relationship when he pulled the I need space thing. Said he was stressed, but didn't say the whole I have a feeling we may not get back together. Killed me then as well!

Advice?


Sat. Apr 17, 8:37pm

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I wish your 40 year old self with some life lessons and wisdom under your belt could look at this situation and give you some good advice. I'm pretty sure my 40 year old self would tell me, "Girl! It's time to move on. He's a boy who has A LOT of growing up to do."

Ignoring him in hopes he'll realize how great you are and all you do is an all too familiar fantasy, and I'm sure there are many of us who've had some version of it at some point in our lives -and no matter how truly fabulous we or how much we do, it rarely works our the way we want or imagine it to! And, really, it looks like he's just going back to his parents who will step in and pick up your slack = no opportunity to make that realization.

I say contact him to figure out the lease situation. And if you do want to leave open the possibility of getting back together - then no begging, no trying to convince him how great you are, none of that - that will only drive him away. Tell him he can have the time and space he wants, he knows where to find you, and he knows where to send his half of the rent!

Saturday, April 17, 2010, 9:17 PM

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No Games, that's what he is playing. It just wears YOU down. Trying to get his attention by ignoring him will just frustrate you. Girl, you realize what you had and it was NOT what you wanted. It hurts, I know, but you wanted something he was just yet.

As far as the lease, his name is on it, and he signed it. This could get real heated if he feels like you are using this to get HIM. You must decide if it is worth it (him fulfilling his part of the lease) because it could become a headache...and more manipulation.

Give him space, let the "cage" door open. When you ask a guy to do something like clean, laundry etc. to him it seems like you are mothering him (and i know your not) let him go, in every sense of the word.


Saturday, April 17, 2010, 10:33 PM

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Celebrate big! HE'S GONE! You clearly don't know how lucky you are.
He's not a man, despite his age he's not mature. He left you, a surrogate mother, to go back to the arms of his real mother. Be gald you aren't pregnant!!

And you, YOU need therapy to bring you into reality in this world!!!
You made such a series of pathetic choices with this guy that I suggest you not even date at all for a couple years until you have an understanding of what relationships are supposed to be like. Seriously, start talking to a counselor. You need help. You got off easily and cheaply this time. If you don't get help and get yourself straightened out you will get right back into the same kind of relationship with some other guy.

Sunday, April 18, 2010, 12:45 AM

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He obviously doesn't want a girlfriend. He wants another Mom to take care of him and run around after him. You DON'T need this "man" in your life. He sounds like a big loser. Don't confuse "fragile" people with LAZY people.His parents have raised him to be needy, lazy, and unwilling to work and support another person.

Maybe it was the neediness that you liked about him - he needed you so much, and some women like that and confuse that with love (something to do with motherly instincts maybe?). By cleaning up after him and paying his bills you are only reinforcing the behavior his parents have instilled in him - you are only making the situation worse.

If you really want him back write down a list of reasonable expectations for him. If he doesn't like them, it's time to kick him to the curb (or back to Mommy's house) where he belongs.

Sunday, April 18, 2010, 3:15 PM

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2:45, that's a little harsh. Not that I fundamentally disagree with you about the OP's predicament, but there's nothing wrong with her that age and experience won't fix. 22 is the age at which we all make our own mistakes.

OP, your boyfriend is not a grown-up and you are. He is not the right person for you at this time; you can do better. My advice is to arrange with him some way to extricate yourselves from your living arrangement. It's extra work for you, and it's going to be emotional H*** for the next month or so, but then you'll be free -- and I promise you, there is a world of better guys out there.

I'm going to bet that you will come out of this experience with a much clearer idea of what you want in a man or in a relationship, and with some idea of how to screen the next person you date for this kind of immaturity.

Sunday, April 18, 2010, 6:10 PM

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Good gosh, and his momma let him move back in. And that's probably where you can trace the root of his problems to-helicopter, I'm going to rescue you because you're my baby kind of momma. (Don't go hating on me-I have four kids that I love dearly, but when it's time to grow up, it's time to grow up.)

Please resist getting back together with this boy until you've had time to use your brain to think this through. Right now your heart is hurting, and I do understand, but he is a boy, not a man. Do not settle for a boy. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life just as it has been the last year, do not go back with him. And imagine a child or two in this situation.

Is only his name on the lease? Can you get a room mate? You may need to talk to your landlord and/or a lawyer about it. If only his name is on the lease, I'd have no problem leaving him to worry about this. He needs to grow up anyway.

Monday, April 19, 2010, 9:28 AM

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Just break the lease. It will be better to move on and not have this hanging over your head stressing you out. Explain the situation in detail to your landlord, and they may be sympathetic. If the landlord does comes after you for the charge to break the lease, you can pay it and then take your loser boyfriend to small claims court and sue him for half (or, since he was the one who walked out, you may even be able to sue him for all of it). Even if his name isn't on the lease you had a verbal agreement with him that he was going to live there with you until the lease was up.

As Judge Judy would say = "You've learned a very expensive lesson, and I'm sure you won't make that mistake again"

In a couple of years you will have plenty of work experience and a degree. You will be a strong, independent, professional woman who deserves much more than this boy could ever give you.

Monday, April 19, 2010, 10:11 AM

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i agree with the "just let the lease go". If it is NOT possible to afford it on your own until 2011 than you have to let it go. It is an expensive lesson to learn but I had to do that. It was worth it for me to just break the lease.

I was able to get an apartment even though I had broken a lease as long as I was upfront from the beginning.

If you can afford it, make the place YOURS! At 22 enjoy it...

Monday, April 19, 2010, 11:41 AM

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If you can't afford it by yourself maybe look into a room mate?

You are better off without him, I got married and my husband was just like that, except for about 6 months he didn't work at all while I worked full time. He wouldn't look for a job, wouldn't cook dinner or do housework, nothing. Sat around in his underwear watching Jerry Springer. You are so much better off without him, trust me. I was so much happier single and by myself than with him, and now I've got a great guy and things are so much different.

Monday, April 19, 2010, 11:49 AM

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The problem is that you're self-sufficient and he's not. You may be at a stage in your life where you're mature enough to live with someone romantically, but he is not.

So figure out the lease situation - either get a roommate or sublet the place out to someone who can afford the rent - and each of you can go your separate ways.

Get a place of your own, even if you're going to continue dating him. It's okay to date someone, even for years, without living together. In fact, it makes it much more exciting as you approach things such as marriage, because there's something to look forward to!

I didn't move in with my boyfriend until we were engaged and had set a wedding date. At that point, I knew him well enough to want to marry him, and I knew his financial situation, as well as how he took care of his own place, paid his own bills, did his own shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. I advise anyone to follow a similar schedule - it's not right for everyone, but I want to know that my man can do all of his own chores before I embark on a life together!

If your man acts in a way that you wouldn't accept from a roommate, who doesn't have an interest in a shared future together, then why would you think he'd make a good mate?

He may be fun, but until he proves that he can take care of himself, by himself (not in his mom's house), don't live with him!

Monday, April 19, 2010, 1:11 PM

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1.) The Bar Association or the Legal Aide Society can probably get you a free initial meeting with an attorney to talk about what your responsibility is in the lease and what options you might have. Knowing where you stand legally is important for you. You don't want surprises.

2.) Talk nicely and apologetically with whomever you leased the apartment from with the goal of arriving at the best resolution to the problem for both of you. The lease legally binds the signers to comply with the contract they signed, but the owner undoubtedly knows how hard it is, and how much it costs, and how long it takes to evict occupants who aren't paying rent.

Monday, April 19, 2010, 1:47 PM

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