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Do interactions w/your parents trigger binges?
I ate an entire bage of Chex Mix. 1500 calories on top of a full day of meals and snacks. Why? My guess is it's a reaction after speaking to my Mom. There's no pleasing her and I still hope to get a sliver of approval. Typical senario, when I called her w/some news that made me absolutely joyful - she counted w/some gloom and doom story. Couldn't even celebrate me for 1 second. I don't know how to ignore her and her remarks other than to hide and not call or return calls unless she leaves me a specific message. Didn't work though because she's wise to me now.
Has anyone else worked through this? Please advise me I need some tips. Thanks.
Tue. Oct 3, 11:28pm
I sure haven't worked through it. If misery loves company, though...
Tuesday, October 03, 2006, 11:42 PM
Therapy might help you work through some of those issues.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006, 9:21 AM
what helped me was constantly reminding myself that my mother will be who she is no matter how i react, so i need to react to her in a way that is best for ME. i have learned to say what i think about her criticisms and lack of support-although i do not use emotionally charged language. for example, last month i went to visit a friend who lives 800 miles away. i drove. my mother expressed grave concern that i would be pulling off the highway in a strange town in order to get some rest during my trip. she went on about serial killers and that kind of stuff. i could feel my anger building and just plainly stated that her fear and worries were HER problems and she needed to address them without involving me. i also told her that i felt like she was smothering me with all of this concern. she said she was just trying to help. i then told her that when i wanted help, i would ask for it. now, the way i handled that situation did not change how she felt or even how she reacted to me. but i did not react to how she felt, i reacted to how I felt. that was a big difference than many encounters of the past. all you can do is control yourself and your behavior, not the things she will say or how she will react to you. it is definitely a difficult situation, but not impossible to learn how to live with.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006, 9:41 AM
Absolutely, my parents trigger binges! lol
Although less so once I realized that my parents were the ones who gave me such a bad relationship with food in the first place! (food=love, finish-your-plate, eat your yucky vegetables to get the yummy dessert, meatmeatmeat, etc.)
Plus, my mom destroyed my self-esteem over obsession with my weight -- the irony? Now that I've lost weight and am fit, by changing my eating and exercise habits, they are resentful about it!
The lesson, I'm afraid, is that there's no changing them, and there's probably no pleasing them. And its probably about them, not you, anyway. The older and crazier my parents get, the more I have to simply humor them like small children, rather than honestly open up to them... It's very sad.
And previous poster -- well said! I think your approach is very wise.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006, 10:11 AM
When my brother and I were in our early teens, my mom told us that we would be struggling with our weight for our entire lives, that it's just the way it is. She also discouraged us from running, as "other people are built for running- you aren't." As well as most organized sports.
I started losing weight this year, and I was feeling pretty roud of myself. I told my mom, and she responded "well, what makes you think it'll work this time?" It's her belief that the only way anyone can lose weight is throught weight watchers.
After listening to her beat me down for a couple minutes, I stopped her and told her that what I really need from her right now is to be positive. I told her that I needed her to encourage me and to not tell me I'm doing it wrong. I told her that I need her to be encouraging when I tell her that I'm running, not tell me that I'll destroy my knees. She's been pretty good about it ever since.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006, 10:38 AM
Thank you all. This is very encouraging for me. Somehow though I defer from telling my mother how I feel because I know she will become some defensive and I don't want to deal w/that either. What a tangle!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006, 8:40 PM
I handle my mom aka: Guiltor the Almighty with big doses of absurd and occasionally morbid humor when the situation calls for it. To me any scenerio taken one step past its logical conclusion becomes absurd and my mom's scenerios are pretty close to that to start off with - lol! I try to point out - with my humor (and I am not sarcastic or biting) - how irrational she is being, or how morbid or negative, etc... Pretty soon we are both laughing and she chills out. However this only works because she does have a pretty good sense of humor of her own and when you get her going she can roll with it and join right in.
Sorry to hear your relationship is so strained. Hope you find some strategies to try in this thread.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006, 11:29 PM
Going home on the weekends...
Going home on the weekends to see my parents triggers my binges because I feel like I'm at "home" and should be able to eat whatever I want. I always gain about 3-4 pounds every weekend when I go home and then lose it back during the week...endless cycle
Thursday, October 05, 2006, 12:29 AM
She's your mom, why not be honest with her and tell her you wished she would just listen and support you when you call with good news. My mom is a bit the same. Here's a great example: I told her I had a miscarriage and she was sorry and said that it just wasn't meant to be, that it wasn't anything I did and then after feeling a bit better, bam, she tells me my cousin is pregnant, wtf is that? You just have to call her on things like this. Sure it is who she is but if it affects your relationship she should hear the truth.
Friday, October 13, 2006, 5:06 PM
Sorry for your loss.
Yep-that's exactly what my mom would do as well, only she'd say (if I was married), "Poor (insert husband's name) he must feel so bad" and completely skip over me.
Thanks for the support.
Monday, October 16, 2006, 10:18 PM
Well, I had a scary-sick parent issue last week. Turned out okay. But it made me think -- they've been aggravating me ***SO MUCH*** for SO LONG that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if they were gone!
Monday, October 16, 2006, 10:32 PM
My therapist helped me just accept the fact that I need to develp my self (professionally, physically, emotionally, etc) without my mom's approval. Here's a recent example: Her reaction when I told her about my longest hike ever (8 hours) was to assume that I must have been so scared climbing the mountain. And she thought I was irresponsible to do that hike because I have a bad knee. (She assumed that I was still feeling miserable about the experience rather than feeling proud of myself for doing it.) In order to not get really frustrated, I just have to remind myself that she measures happiness in different ways than I do.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006, 2:18 AM
I still am working through it. I have been going through the same problem all my life with my mom.I am always wanting her approval and support but finally realize that she is never going to be that way with me. I know she loves me but i think alot of it has to do with her and the way she feels about herself.When i exercize she wants to know why i exercize so much. I give a list of reasons including the doctor told me to,osteoperosis,high cholesteral,ect,ect.When i lose weight,i never hear congratulations or good for you, its oh i need to get some weight off. If i have a problem about anything she changes the subject to her.She's always been this way it isn't just old age.Now she has a nine year old grand daughter and i hear nothing but oh good things and how compasionite she is with her.So i think its just our relationship.I still love her and call her if i haven't heard from her so i know in my heart i've done the right thing but i can't share too much with her because it will come back and bite me.I still feel a need to binge when i talk to her but i tell myself its her not me and she will never change and be thankful she's still around.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006, 4:34 PM
Reading this thread makes me feel so incredibly grateful for my immediate family...110% supportive, willing to choose a restaurant or cuisine that my diet can handle, lots of compliments and intelligent suggestions, etc. I have more problems with extended family events just because I can't stand being in the same room as so many judgmental hypocrits, but at least I can limit that to once or twice a year.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006, 7:01 PM
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