CommunityBrowse groupsBlogEtiquetteInvite Your friendsSuccess Stories

Lounge
Community 


thoughts on this anyone?

I have had cervical cancer twice, both times treatment was difficult, both before I was married. I had an abnormal PAP and was gearing up all month for a biopsy that scared the living crap out of me. Each time I feel less young and resilient. I had the procedure Friday, and thank goodness, no abnormalities, but there was a DNC just to take tissue to test all of my cells. My husband, knowing this history, did not even ask me on Friday how I was. He was very preoccupied with his elaborate St. Patrick's Day drinking and parade plans. He asked me if I was going to the parade, and I replied that I was still cramping and bleeding from the procedure. No response. Is this something men do to avoid confronting scary things? Could he just not care? What about me confronting scary things? This has not been so easy on me. I'd like some support, any ideas on how to elicit some empathy?

Sun. Mar 18, 10:15pm

Add comment  
He was probably just as scared as you to find out if you were healthy or not. Even though men act tough, and strong, they are often just as fragile and emotional as women are! He probably wanted to be supportive but was scared that he may hear bad news. I would definitely ask him about it-and tell him that you really wanted a little support. I'm sure he'll fess up!

It sounds like you've been through a lot and I can imagine how scary it was to deal with this alone after having cancer twice. I hope you can talk to your husband about this and that he can be more responsive to your concerns in the future.

Congratulations for having no abnormalities!

Sunday, March 18, 2007, 10:51 PM

Add comment
Here's a selection of men's reactions I've personally experienced or witnessed first-hand during times of extreme difficulty (death, disease, violent crime, abuse, etc)

My father would go into a dissociative state, and he'd start babbling about trivial things like the last episode of his favorite tv show.

One ex reacted to bad news with accusations - in his world, someone had to bear the blame, and it was usually the victim.

Another ex had no clue how to react and would just kind of stand there mouth-breathing.

My male roommate bypassed the emotional impact and just could not stop asking questions (kind of like a gossip gathering juicy details).

One of my sister's exes responded to her trauma by hiding from her for 3 days. Another thought it was his duty to be a knight in shining armor.

Men who weren't so close to me have always reacted wayyyy better - "I have no idea what you need right now, but if you tell me, I'll do my best". They'd offer me a shoulder to cry on, a novel to escape in, a stiff drink, whatever sleeping pills they could get their hands on, you name it.

So while your husband wasn't the least bit supportive and has a whole lot to learn about handling the "in sickness and in health" part of his vows, his reaction was not unique. In several of the above cases, a long talk about the inappropriateness of their behavior yielded a much better scenario the next time something bad happened. So all is not lost!

Sunday, March 18, 2007, 11:50 PM

Add comment
When men don't know what to do, they tend to do nothing (at least in my experience). They like to please, though, so if you tell him what you need, you're likely to get it!

For example, "honey, I'm really not feeling well from the procedure, and I'm nervous about receiving the results. I'd really like some snuggle time on the couch with some good DVDs. Can you please go to Blockbuster and pick up some movies, and some takeout, and come home and hang out with me?"

Monday, March 19, 2007, 10:21 AM

Add comment
I agree on telling him what behaviors you need from him. Many people, including women, are clueless as to how to respond to scary situations. After years of telling my husband what I need, he's gotten pretty good at saying, "There, there" and giving me a hug.

Monday, March 19, 2007, 11:24 AM

Add comment
My husband is almost oversolicitous. In that scenerio I'd be swaddled in blankets on the couch while he fetched me chicken soup and mopped my brow :-) I keed a little there, but it's almost irritating. I think part of it is that I am a fairly strong, independant person so when he gets the chance to do a little fussing he rather enjoys it. I've had other guys react the opposite though. They tend to see me as the strong one and just figure I'll handle it fine and don't need them.

I agree with the other posters. Many guys really need it spelled out in plain terms. Tell him you're scared and you need some comforting. Ask him to take some time alone with you and just cuddle and be together (or insert desired activity). If he doesn't respond to that - then that's a sign that there may be more to this than a bit of obliviousness on his part.

Monday, March 19, 2007, 12:31 PM

Add comment
It has never worked for me to tell him what he has done wrong, if I did not speak up at the time. My advice is to forgive him from the very depths of your heart, knowing you are somewhat culpable for just expecting him to respond the way you wanted. In the future, tell him what you need him to DO. men have to DO things. Be direct, and specific, and stay away from any kind of manipulating or eliciting behaviours. Don't say, for instance, "My mum always made me a cuppa tea, when I was unwell," he wil NOT pick up on this. He will register the fact your mom made tea. Do say, "I have had a monstrous day, I would love you to make me some tea, please" You have given him something specific to do.

Men in general do like to please, as long as they are not being blamed (none of us like to be blamed) and given something specific to do rather than having to try to guess, or worse, being asked to feel, will usually comply with gusto.

I will say that I am scared, or hurt, or angered. I will tell him I need held, I want to listen to music, I want him to fix dinner. But I don't do it all the time. Sometimes, if there is something I need to hear, because I am particularly insecure at the moment, I will look at him and say to him, "tell me I am pretty" or "tell me I am worth it"

He will tell me, and I will count that, because I know he really does feel that way, he just did not know that I needed to hear it that moment.

and don't forget the Thank you afterward. Men love apreciation above all things. The more things you say thank you for, "Thank you for this holding time, I feel so much better and calmer" the more they will do, to be thanked for.

It does not sound like your husband has a long history of being a beast. I am sure he loves you dearly, and just did not know what to do

I am happy the procedure went well, and I am sorry you were frightened. Good Luck
mariarose


Tuesday, March 20, 2007, 6:12 AM

Add comment

Next: Click Here For Recipes That Help You Lose Weight
New: The PEERtrainer Cheat System
The PEERtrainer Cheat System is a new, simple to follow system for eating. The objective is to help guide you towards a way of eating that will make it easier to lose weight, give you more energy and help you feel better. It is free, easy to follow, and a little unusual and controversial. Most of all it is working. This link will take you to a blog post where you can download a FREE copy of the Cheat System Diet Cookbook! The Cheat System has also been turned into a major book to be published May 6th, 2014. According to Srini Pillay, MD, Harvard Medical School: "It works in a real way with how human psychology works...I love that it relates closely to how the brain likes to function... without crazy effort and with significant short-term gains."
Here is a preview of the cover:

Cheatcover

You can get started on the system for free by clicking on this banner:

peertrainer cheat system

"Gives you the template to lose weight without sending your hormones in a disastrous death spiral."

-Sara Gottfried, MD, NY Times Best Selling Author

"The Cheat System Diet is brilliant! Jackie Wicks understands how the brain works, and how habits are developed in the real world."

--Steven Masley, MD, Assistant Professor University South Florida

 






Explore Related Articles
Weight Loss Motivation   Sustainable Weight Loss
Weight Lifting    Hypnosis and Weight Loss
Emotional Eating   Help Losing Weight
Free Weight Loss Program   Weight Watchers Points  NutriSystem
How To Change Anything

weight loss coaching


New Services and Offerings From PEERtrainer:

1) How To Achieve Sustainable Weight Loss This is a new 12 week program that helps you solve the mental blockages that are prevent many from sustainable weight loss. The most interesting thing about the program is what participants are saying and you can click on the link to read them.

2) Tip Of The Day Weight Loss Coaching Program-- This is a daily email program that helps to reinforce fundamentals as well as gives you practical tips each day. We are getting GREAT feedback from subscribers.

3) What Are Your Odds Of Losing Weight?-- Take the PEERtrainer Coaching Quiz Now!

4) Tip Of The Day Blog-- We update this each day with responses to specific questions from our coaching subscribers and customer.

5) New Diet and Weight Loss Content-- We have launched a new diet section that organizes the growing amount of content on the site. When you click in the most important areas are highlighted.









Related Content:

How To Lose Weight- The Basics
Weight Watchers Points System
The Fat Smash Diet
The Eat To Live Diet
The Beck Diet Solution
How To Get The Motivation To Lose Weight

 

How To Be Successful Using PEERtrainer

How To Burn Fat
Online Weight Loss Support- How It Works
Does Green Tea Help You Lose Weight?
Tips On Using PEERtrainer
Visit The PEERtrainer Community
Diet and Fitness Resources

Fitness

Weight Watchers Meetings
Learning To Inspire Others: You Already Are
Writing Down Your Daily Workouts
Spending Money On A Personal Trainer?
How I Became A Marathon Runner

 

Preventive Health

How To Prevent Injuries During Your Workout
Flu Season: Should You Take The Flu Shot?
Are You Really Ready To Start PEERtrainer?
Super Foods That Can Boost Your Energy
Reversing Disease Through Nutrition

New Diet and Fitness Articles:

Weight Watchers Points Plus
How To Adjust Your Body To Exercise
New: Weight Watchers Momentum Program
New: PEERtrainer Blog Archive
Review Of The New Weight Watchers Momentum Program
 

Weight Loss Motivation by Joshua Wayne:

Why Simple Goal Setting Is Not Enough
How To Delay Short Term Gratification
How To Stay Motivated
How To Exercise With A Busy Schedule

Real World Nutrition and Fitness Questions

Can Weight Lifting Help You Lose Weight?
Are Protein Drinks Safe?
Nutrition As Medicine?
 

Everyday Weight Loss Tips

How To Eat Healthy At A Party
How To Eat Out And Still Lose Weight
The Three Bite Rule
Tips On How To Stop A Binge






PEERtrainer Is A Free and Powerful Online System For
Weight Loss Support

Click Here To Learn More and Join!