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I'm losing, he's gaining

I know this has been talked about before but I really need some help here. My hub and I agreed 3 years ago to get fit for our health and so we can feel and look better. I have worked really hard and have managed to lose 107 pounds, I have 15 more to go to my goal weight. My husband was trying to lose 80 pounds, he actually lost about 50 but over the last year and a half he has put on a lot of weight. I know he has been depressed but I feel it is really affecting the way I feel about him and how I see him. I still love him but I am not attracted to him anymore. I am afraid he is just going to get bigger and bigger. Instead of having 80 to lose he now must be close to having about 125 to lose, he won't really tell me how much he has gained or what he weighs but I am betting it is close to 325, he looks huge and his face is just sort of disappearing in itself, even his legs have gotten really big, something that didn't happen before at his previous size. I know he is wearing much bigger sizes then when he started. I also find receipts from places he's eaten, all bad crappy food and lots of it. I think he gorges himself. I don't know how to approach him to talk about my feelings and my concern about him. I honestly don't want him to get fatter and I definitely am worried about his health. Just walking up our 10 steps to the bedroom he is huffing and puffing and he has a hard time breathing at night. I feel ashamed to admit it but just looking at him disgusts me and the thought of having to continue to stay with him is really hard. I know at my heaviest he always told me how beautiful I was and I feel horrible for the way I feel. Can anyone offer some real advice on how I can approach the subject without making things worse for him?

Fri. Oct 26, 1:11am

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It sounds like he is dealing with depression, or something of the sort, and the food is a symptom.

Guys tend to hide what is hurting them or stressing them out, so it may be difficult to get through to your husband, but try to put the food and weight gain aside, and find out what is bothering him. Once you get to the root of the problem and begin working through it, then he should be able to work on becoming healthy again. Try to ignore the "symptom" though (the food/weight gain) until you actually find the problem.

He may need professional help too.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 12:12 PM

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Maybe he is upset that he's got heavier and your almost at your goal? Maybe you should try putting ideas into his head. Tell him your having trouble losing the last of your weight and suggest that you both help each other and maybe join WW or a gym together. Tell him you feel like you need his help. Make him feel like you need him. Maybe that will get him motivated to start again.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 12:15 PM

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I tend to agree with the 12:12 poster. The man sounds depressed. I hate to say it, but I don't think much you can say, no matter how loving an supportive you try to be, will go over well to someone in a depressed state of mind. He knows he's gotten big, and he's binging and hiding it - this would appear to go beyond a few too many burgers and beers with the guys. And no offense to the 12:15 poster but she obviously has been quite successful losing weight on her own and asking someone who has a great deal of weight to lose to help you with few pounds almost comes across as insulting (as we have seen in many threads on that very topic here).

Has he been to his doctor lately? He really ought to get a full physical and possibly a stress test. If he is getting as heavy as you say, he is at serious risk for diabetes and heart disease in addition to the sheer physical discomfort of being signifigantly overweight. You may offer to make the appointment for him and when doing so request that the doctor take extra time to discuss counseling (and possibly looking into OA), stress levels and weight loss with your husband. Best wishes to you both!

Friday, October 26, 2007, 12:56 PM

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IF he's having a hard time breathing at night, that can be adding to it. Sleep apnia is common among the overweight and prevents a good night's sleep. This in turn makes you tired and lethargic during the day and this can leave one emotionally drained too.

Ask him to see a doctor about his breathing, My father started using a breathing machine at noght and it changed his whole outlook. He was able to be more active during the day which helped him to lose weight too.

As for how you are feeling about your husband, it's perfectly understandable. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone and when you are seeing him kill himself, which is what he is doing, it has to be difficult. Maybe it's time to talk to him about how it makes you feel.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 1:56 PM

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OP here thanks all. I know he is depressed, but over what or why is what I don't know and he won't share it with me. I did a little snooping this afternoon and am wondering about these restaurant receipts. A lot of them are fast food places but some of them are fancy places, like places a couple would go to for a night out, these places the charges are well over $50, I just don't know what to make of it. My first thought is he is cheating on me, but then my rational minds thinks no way, not him, and then the way I feel towards him lately makes me think why would someone want to go out with a man his size? I know that sounds mean and I feel horrible for actually saying it but that is what I thought. Counseling is a good idea and I think OA is also something he could really use but how do I bring it up? He is so sensitive and gets upset whenever I bring up weight, I can't even share how I feel with him. I am worried that if I approach it wrong it will drive him insane and he will just continue to pack on the pounds and turn all his hurt and anger towards food for comfort. I am starting to really miss being intimite with him or anyone for that matter. Even though I have no desire for him and cringe at the thought I miss being held and comforted. He used to do that all the time, now he barely even touches me. Maybe my loose skin is a turn off to him, maybe he is picking up on my true feelings and its causing a wedge between us. I even thought of putting a few pounds back on, say maybe 10 or so and then I could bring it up but the thought of purposefully gaining weight is horrifying to me. I never want to be that big, fat dumpy housewife again, I've worked to hard.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 6:33 PM

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He is your husband, you should just sit down and talk to him. Find a way for it to come out as real concern for his health and your life together. You need to let him know how scared you are and how you are feeling. Maybe he has no clue. Maybe he feel like you might leave him now that you are so close to your goal and is somehow sabotaging himself thinking she is going to leave me anyway I might as well eat what I want. One thing is clear you need to let him honestly know whats going on with you. You will not be able to hold onto your marriage if you don't start be honest and if he is committed to you then he needs to hear your feelings. Communication is the biggest thing in a marriage, if you can't communicate you take the chance of the marriage falling apart. Know matter how hard it is for him to hear how you feel in the long run it will be better for both of you. He sounds like he is out of control and really needs help and you are his wife, you love him and care about him and its time to start talking. If he's gained 100+ pounds in the pass 1.5 years there is something seriously wrong with him. At least get him to a doctor. Just let him know you are scared for him and you want him to go get help.

Saturday, October 27, 2007, 11:31 AM

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Know matter how hard it is to bring up you need to share your concerns with him. Put it as kind and gently as you can but don't sit on it anymore. Something is seriously wrong with him and he needs to know that you are concerned and will be there for him. Men don't typically gorge themselves like that, and most I know hardly ever think about food. If he is as big as you say he needs help or the way he is going he will blow up and have a number of medical issues. As it is now I am sure he has apnea, and a number of things wrong. Has he been to a doctor? Do you know if he has diabetes or heart disease in his family? Are other members of his family overweight?

Sunday, October 28, 2007, 5:25 PM

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it goes both ways

It sounds like it's been a long time since you've had sex, and I understand why not. However, sex is a very important part of a relations, not the most important, of course. However when people get to that point in a relationship when they no longer feel the urge to have sex, for whatever reason, they may also begin to slack in other areas. On the other hand it was probably slacking in other areas that led to the lack of sex in the first place, however stepping up the sex life, can also step up the other areas...

Sunday, October 28, 2007, 11:07 PM

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You are right to think that your feelings regarding your husband sound awful. You married him for better or worse. He loved you when you were grossly obese. You are very naiive to think that a man of his size wouldn't cheat. People of all sizes, shapes, and colors cheat. If you think there is no one out there who will have him at his size, you need to think again because there is someone for everyone. There is a very real possibility that a huge charge like that at a nice restaurant is not all him. Maybe he is sensing you don't love him for him and love him the way you should as a spouse for better or worse. I get that you aren't attracted to him anymore, but there has got to be more to it than his physical appearance or you wouldn't be here saying these things to us, I mean you said "just looking at him disgusts me and the thought of having to continue to stay with him is really hard". When you were 120 lbs overweight did he stop being intimate with you because you disgusted him? I think the real advice you need is to start looking at what you really want out of life and this marriage, not how to talk to him about his behaviors and eating habits. I think the obvious change here has been your weight loss success and attitudes towards him. Whether or not you truly love this man regardless of his physical appearance is a key factor in the success of your marriage. Good luck.

Monday, October 29, 2007, 5:35 AM

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5:35 I think you are right on a few things but I also think you were a bit harsh on the OP. When she was at her biggest I believe she said he was about 80 pounds overweight then. Now he is well beyond the 80 pounds he was originally overweight. A lot of men carry weight in their bellies, but when you get pass a certain point it spreads out. Sounds like his weight has spread all over and while she does sound mean she also has a right to say that at his current size she has no intimate feelings for him. I know if my husband gained 100+ pounds I wouldn't want to be with him either. I think its very clear she still loves him and I do think she might be wrong in thinking no one would want to be with a man of his size. If he truly has no desire for her and hasn't touched her in a long time then I think she needs to readdress the having an affair issue. It could be a real possibility. Maybe he likes his women big and doesn't find her attractive anymore. There are definitely men out there like that. Or maybe he enjoys being fat I believe there is a whole slew of fat lovers out there, I think the term is fat admirers or feeders and feedees?

Monday, October 29, 2007, 12:11 PM

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