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I'm losing, he's gaining

I know this has been talked about before but I really need some help here. My hub and I agreed 3 years ago to get fit for our health and so we can feel and look better. I have worked really hard and have managed to lose 107 pounds, I have 15 more to go to my goal weight. My husband was trying to lose 80 pounds, he actually lost about 50 but over the last year and a half he has put on a lot of weight. I know he has been depressed but I feel it is really affecting the way I feel about him and how I see him. I still love him but I am not attracted to him anymore. I am afraid he is just going to get bigger and bigger. Instead of having 80 to lose he now must be close to having about 125 to lose, he won't really tell me how much he has gained or what he weighs but I am betting it is close to 325, he looks huge and his face is just sort of disappearing in itself, even his legs have gotten really big, something that didn't happen before at his previous size. I know he is wearing much bigger sizes then when he started. I also find receipts from places he's eaten, all bad crappy food and lots of it. I think he gorges himself. I don't know how to approach him to talk about my feelings and my concern about him. I honestly don't want him to get fatter and I definitely am worried about his health. Just walking up our 10 steps to the bedroom he is huffing and puffing and he has a hard time breathing at night. I feel ashamed to admit it but just looking at him disgusts me and the thought of having to continue to stay with him is really hard. I know at my heaviest he always told me how beautiful I was and I feel horrible for the way I feel. Can anyone offer some real advice on how I can approach the subject without making things worse for him?

Fri. Oct 26, 1:11am

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It sounds like he is dealing with depression, or something of the sort, and the food is a symptom.

Guys tend to hide what is hurting them or stressing them out, so it may be difficult to get through to your husband, but try to put the food and weight gain aside, and find out what is bothering him. Once you get to the root of the problem and begin working through it, then he should be able to work on becoming healthy again. Try to ignore the "symptom" though (the food/weight gain) until you actually find the problem.

He may need professional help too.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 12:12 PM

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Maybe he is upset that he's got heavier and your almost at your goal? Maybe you should try putting ideas into his head. Tell him your having trouble losing the last of your weight and suggest that you both help each other and maybe join WW or a gym together. Tell him you feel like you need his help. Make him feel like you need him. Maybe that will get him motivated to start again.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 12:15 PM

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I tend to agree with the 12:12 poster. The man sounds depressed. I hate to say it, but I don't think much you can say, no matter how loving an supportive you try to be, will go over well to someone in a depressed state of mind. He knows he's gotten big, and he's binging and hiding it - this would appear to go beyond a few too many burgers and beers with the guys. And no offense to the 12:15 poster but she obviously has been quite successful losing weight on her own and asking someone who has a great deal of weight to lose to help you with few pounds almost comes across as insulting (as we have seen in many threads on that very topic here).

Has he been to his doctor lately? He really ought to get a full physical and possibly a stress test. If he is getting as heavy as you say, he is at serious risk for diabetes and heart disease in addition to the sheer physical discomfort of being signifigantly overweight. You may offer to make the appointment for him and when doing so request that the doctor take extra time to discuss counseling (and possibly looking into OA), stress levels and weight loss with your husband. Best wishes to you both!

Friday, October 26, 2007, 12:56 PM

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IF he's having a hard time breathing at night, that can be adding to it. Sleep apnia is common among the overweight and prevents a good night's sleep. This in turn makes you tired and lethargic during the day and this can leave one emotionally drained too.

Ask him to see a doctor about his breathing, My father started using a breathing machine at noght and it changed his whole outlook. He was able to be more active during the day which helped him to lose weight too.

As for how you are feeling about your husband, it's perfectly understandable. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone and when you are seeing him kill himself, which is what he is doing, it has to be difficult. Maybe it's time to talk to him about how it makes you feel.


Friday, October 26, 2007, 1:56 PM

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OP here thanks all. I know he is depressed, but over what or why is what I don't know and he won't share it with me. I did a little snooping this afternoon and am wondering about these restaurant receipts. A lot of them are fast food places but some of them are fancy places, like places a couple would go to for a night out, these places the charges are well over $50, I just don't know what to make of it. My first thought is he is cheating on me, but then my rational minds thinks no way, not him, and then the way I feel towards him lately makes me think why would someone want to go out with a man his size? I know that sounds mean and I feel horrible for actually saying it but that is what I thought. Counseling is a good idea and I think OA is also something he could really use but how do I bring it up? He is so sensitive and gets upset whenever I bring up weight, I can't even share how I feel with him. I am worried that if I approach it wrong it will drive him insane and he will just continue to pack on the pounds and turn all his hurt and anger towards food for comfort. I am starting to really miss being intimite with him or anyone for that matter. Even though I have no desire for him and cringe at the thought I miss being held and comforted. He used to do that all the time, now he barely even touches me. Maybe my loose skin is a turn off to him, maybe he is picking up on my true feelings and its causing a wedge between us. I even thought of putting a few pounds back on, say maybe 10 or so and then I could bring it up but the thought of purposefully gaining weight is horrifying to me. I never want to be that big, fat dumpy housewife again, I've worked to hard.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 6:33 PM

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