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I'm losing, he's gaining

I know this has been talked about before but I really need some help here. My hub and I agreed 3 years ago to get fit for our health and so we can feel and look better. I have worked really hard and have managed to lose 107 pounds, I have 15 more to go to my goal weight. My husband was trying to lose 80 pounds, he actually lost about 50 but over the last year and a half he has put on a lot of weight. I know he has been depressed but I feel it is really affecting the way I feel about him and how I see him. I still love him but I am not attracted to him anymore. I am afraid he is just going to get bigger and bigger. Instead of having 80 to lose he now must be close to having about 125 to lose, he won't really tell me how much he has gained or what he weighs but I am betting it is close to 325, he looks huge and his face is just sort of disappearing in itself, even his legs have gotten really big, something that didn't happen before at his previous size. I know he is wearing much bigger sizes then when he started. I also find receipts from places he's eaten, all bad crappy food and lots of it. I think he gorges himself. I don't know how to approach him to talk about my feelings and my concern about him. I honestly don't want him to get fatter and I definitely am worried about his health. Just walking up our 10 steps to the bedroom he is huffing and puffing and he has a hard time breathing at night. I feel ashamed to admit it but just looking at him disgusts me and the thought of having to continue to stay with him is really hard. I know at my heaviest he always told me how beautiful I was and I feel horrible for the way I feel. Can anyone offer some real advice on how I can approach the subject without making things worse for him?

Fri. Oct 26, 1:11am

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It sounds like he is dealing with depression, or something of the sort, and the food is a symptom.

Guys tend to hide what is hurting them or stressing them out, so it may be difficult to get through to your husband, but try to put the food and weight gain aside, and find out what is bothering him. Once you get to the root of the problem and begin working through it, then he should be able to work on becoming healthy again. Try to ignore the "symptom" though (the food/weight gain) until you actually find the problem.

He may need professional help too.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 12:12 PM

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Maybe he is upset that he's got heavier and your almost at your goal? Maybe you should try putting ideas into his head. Tell him your having trouble losing the last of your weight and suggest that you both help each other and maybe join WW or a gym together. Tell him you feel like you need his help. Make him feel like you need him. Maybe that will get him motivated to start again.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 12:15 PM

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I tend to agree with the 12:12 poster. The man sounds depressed. I hate to say it, but I don't think much you can say, no matter how loving an supportive you try to be, will go over well to someone in a depressed state of mind. He knows he's gotten big, and he's binging and hiding it - this would appear to go beyond a few too many burgers and beers with the guys. And no offense to the 12:15 poster but she obviously has been quite successful losing weight on her own and asking someone who has a great deal of weight to lose to help you with few pounds almost comes across as insulting (as we have seen in many threads on that very topic here).

Has he been to his doctor lately? He really ought to get a full physical and possibly a stress test. If he is getting as heavy as you say, he is at serious risk for diabetes and heart disease in addition to the sheer physical discomfort of being signifigantly overweight. You may offer to make the appointment for him and when doing so request that the doctor take extra time to discuss counseling (and possibly looking into OA), stress levels and weight loss with your husband. Best wishes to you both!

Friday, October 26, 2007, 12:56 PM

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IF he's having a hard time breathing at night, that can be adding to it. Sleep apnia is common among the overweight and prevents a good night's sleep. This in turn makes you tired and lethargic during the day and this can leave one emotionally drained too.

Ask him to see a doctor about his breathing, My father started using a breathing machine at noght and it changed his whole outlook. He was able to be more active during the day which helped him to lose weight too.

As for how you are feeling about your husband, it's perfectly understandable. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone and when you are seeing him kill himself, which is what he is doing, it has to be difficult. Maybe it's time to talk to him about how it makes you feel.


Friday, October 26, 2007, 1:56 PM

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OP here thanks all. I know he is depressed, but over what or why is what I don't know and he won't share it with me. I did a little snooping this afternoon and am wondering about these restaurant receipts. A lot of them are fast food places but some of them are fancy places, like places a couple would go to for a night out, these places the charges are well over $50, I just don't know what to make of it. My first thought is he is cheating on me, but then my rational minds thinks no way, not him, and then the way I feel towards him lately makes me think why would someone want to go out with a man his size? I know that sounds mean and I feel horrible for actually saying it but that is what I thought. Counseling is a good idea and I think OA is also something he could really use but how do I bring it up? He is so sensitive and gets upset whenever I bring up weight, I can't even share how I feel with him. I am worried that if I approach it wrong it will drive him insane and he will just continue to pack on the pounds and turn all his hurt and anger towards food for comfort. I am starting to really miss being intimite with him or anyone for that matter. Even though I have no desire for him and cringe at the thought I miss being held and comforted. He used to do that all the time, now he barely even touches me. Maybe my loose skin is a turn off to him, maybe he is picking up on my true feelings and its causing a wedge between us. I even thought of putting a few pounds back on, say maybe 10 or so and then I could bring it up but the thought of purposefully gaining weight is horrifying to me. I never want to be that big, fat dumpy housewife again, I've worked to hard.

Friday, October 26, 2007, 6:33 PM

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He is your husband, you should just sit down and talk to him. Find a way for it to come out as real concern for his health and your life together. You need to let him know how scared you are and how you are feeling. Maybe he has no clue. Maybe he feel like you might leave him now that you are so close to your goal and is somehow sabotaging himself thinking she is going to leave me anyway I might as well eat what I want. One thing is clear you need to let him honestly know whats going on with you. You will not be able to hold onto your marriage if you don't start be honest and if he is committed to you then he needs to hear your feelings. Communication is the biggest thing in a marriage, if you can't communicate you take the chance of the marriage falling apart. Know matter how hard it is for him to hear how you feel in the long run it will be better for both of you. He sounds like he is out of control and really needs help and you are his wife, you love him and care about him and its time to start talking. If he's gained 100+ pounds in the pass 1.5 years there is something seriously wrong with him. At least get him to a doctor. Just let him know you are scared for him and you want him to go get help.

Saturday, October 27, 2007, 11:31 AM

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Know matter how hard it is to bring up you need to share your concerns with him. Put it as kind and gently as you can but don't sit on it anymore. Something is seriously wrong with him and he needs to know that you are concerned and will be there for him. Men don't typically gorge themselves like that, and most I know hardly ever think about food. If he is as big as you say he needs help or the way he is going he will blow up and have a number of medical issues. As it is now I am sure he has apnea, and a number of things wrong. Has he been to a doctor? Do you know if he has diabetes or heart disease in his family? Are other members of his family overweight?

Sunday, October 28, 2007, 5:25 PM

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it goes both ways

It sounds like it's been a long time since you've had sex, and I understand why not. However, sex is a very important part of a relations, not the most important, of course. However when people get to that point in a relationship when they no longer feel the urge to have sex, for whatever reason, they may also begin to slack in other areas. On the other hand it was probably slacking in other areas that led to the lack of sex in the first place, however stepping up the sex life, can also step up the other areas...

Sunday, October 28, 2007, 11:07 PM

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You are right to think that your feelings regarding your husband sound awful. You married him for better or worse. He loved you when you were grossly obese. You are very naiive to think that a man of his size wouldn't cheat. People of all sizes, shapes, and colors cheat. If you think there is no one out there who will have him at his size, you need to think again because there is someone for everyone. There is a very real possibility that a huge charge like that at a nice restaurant is not all him. Maybe he is sensing you don't love him for him and love him the way you should as a spouse for better or worse. I get that you aren't attracted to him anymore, but there has got to be more to it than his physical appearance or you wouldn't be here saying these things to us, I mean you said "just looking at him disgusts me and the thought of having to continue to stay with him is really hard". When you were 120 lbs overweight did he stop being intimate with you because you disgusted him? I think the real advice you need is to start looking at what you really want out of life and this marriage, not how to talk to him about his behaviors and eating habits. I think the obvious change here has been your weight loss success and attitudes towards him. Whether or not you truly love this man regardless of his physical appearance is a key factor in the success of your marriage. Good luck.

Monday, October 29, 2007, 5:35 AM

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5:35 I think you are right on a few things but I also think you were a bit harsh on the OP. When she was at her biggest I believe she said he was about 80 pounds overweight then. Now he is well beyond the 80 pounds he was originally overweight. A lot of men carry weight in their bellies, but when you get pass a certain point it spreads out. Sounds like his weight has spread all over and while she does sound mean she also has a right to say that at his current size she has no intimate feelings for him. I know if my husband gained 100+ pounds I wouldn't want to be with him either. I think its very clear she still loves him and I do think she might be wrong in thinking no one would want to be with a man of his size. If he truly has no desire for her and hasn't touched her in a long time then I think she needs to readdress the having an affair issue. It could be a real possibility. Maybe he likes his women big and doesn't find her attractive anymore. There are definitely men out there like that. Or maybe he enjoys being fat I believe there is a whole slew of fat lovers out there, I think the term is fat admirers or feeders and feedees?

Monday, October 29, 2007, 12:11 PM

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I've been there and done that but the tables were reversed. In my case my husband and I agreed to get fit together and be healthier and lose weight. I had about 70 pounds to lose and he had about 50. I started losing and managed to lose 35 of it but then I starting getting discouraged and was laid up with a back problem. My husband made his goal and looked awesome which made me feel even more depressed. Needless to say I gained the 35 back plus another 30 pounds. So with 100 pounds to lose I found myself miserable and distant from my husband. We had a lot of problems until he finally shared his feelings with me. He was really worried about my health and wanted to help me lose the weight. So we started doing more things together and after a year of him gently encouraging me and doing things with me I have lost 76 pounds. I guess I needed to hear him say that he still loved me and was attracted to me even though I felt horrible about myself and thought that now he was all hot and trim that he would leave his fatty, lazy wife for something better. I sort of stopped caring until he talked to me. At first it was hard to hear what he had to say and I felt defensive and angry but after a few days I realized he was right and only wanted to help me. Maybe your husband needs something like this from you?

Monday, October 29, 2007, 9:15 PM

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I do believe the OP said she lost 107 lbs and still has 15 to go... that is significantly obese. Her husband was the one who was supposed to only lose 80 lbs but then ended up gaining.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 12:41 AM

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12:41 What is your point? It is unclear what you are saying or replying to. We all read the OP had more to lose then her husband but now her husband has a lot more to lose, so enlighten us as to your point....

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 2:15 AM

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12:41 poster again

My point was... that the poster at 12:11 said that she only had 80 lbs to lose and that was a big difference between her husband being 100 lbs overweight. I am pretty sure it all looks the same in terms of attractiveness... 100 lbs + is 100+ however you cut it, male or female. And what part of this OP's post is very clear that she still loves him when she is saying the thought of having to be with him is hard and looking at him disgusts her? There is obviously a problem here. He loved her at her heaviest and told her she was beautiful. She is becoming distant and cruel because she has lost weight and he has not been successful. I think we can all relate to not being successful at times. Give the poor man a break. Sorry to be so unclear the first time.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 7:26 AM

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7:26 I think you need to reread her posts. She never says she only had 80 to lose it was her husband. Also not only did he start losing weight but ended gaining it all back plus some. And yes it is very possible to love and care for someone while at the same time not be attracted to them. I think you are jumping the gun here and assuming she is a terribly cruel wife to him. The only problem she sounds like she has is not being abe to share her feelings with him because he is overly sensitive about his weight. So it is clear that he is aware that he has gotten morbidly obese.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 11:17 AM

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I have a few questions for the OP. I am sure we all want to know who and when the communication shut down between the two of you? How long has it been since you have been intimate with your husband and who approached who first? Do you two share anything anymore? Does he talk to you about your success? How long have you been married or together? I ask so we can maybe better understand the relationship. It seems normal to me that since he's gotten so big you are not attracted to him. The fact that he thought you were beautiful at your biggest makes me wonder if he actually likes heavier women, what were his other girlfriends like, do you know? Has he always had a weight problem? When was it that you started feeling different about him? Was it when he gained more weight then he originally had to lose?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 11:59 AM

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I was in a similar situation with my husband. A few years ago he weighed himself one day and realized he hit 330 - the highest he's ever been and he got scared. He actually decided to get the Lap Band (a band placed around the stomach to constrict food) but he only lost 40 lbs on it over 2 years. He got discouraged and then put 10lbs back. He goes through spurts where he watches what he eats and walks daily, but then something happens that de-rails him. I've reached my goal weight after 1 year and he still has a lot to go. I agree that depression/stress plays a huge role here, but its very hard to get guys to address these stressors. Maybe you can encourage a male friend of his to take up a sport with him - like golf, anything that gets him moving. My husband uses calorie-count.com to jot down his caloric intake and it has helped to keep him on track when he's done it.

I tool felt disgusted with my husband - in fact I felt repulsed especially when I reached my goal weight and found that he wasn't trying. It was a terrible place to be in b/c I loved him and thought I was being so vain and terrible in having these thoughts. At the same time I knew that he would feel the same way if I was 100lb overweight. Now, he still has about 60lb to go, but I know he is trying. I deal with the kids so he can take uninterrupted walks. We weigh in every week and have sex the night before the weigh in - it really makes a difference on the scale. I am turned on now b/c I know he is trying even though he has a lot to go. It took months for me to get to this point emotionally. Don't give up - your marriage will withstand this. I hope this helps.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 12:09 PM

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12:09 that is interesting. My friend has a lap band also and when she has a few months of not losing and she is definitely sticking to her regime they adjust the lap band and it kicks her into gear and she starts losing again. She has had it for almost 2 years now and has lost about 100 pounds and has another 50 or so to go.

To the OP the questions posted by 11:59 are good ones. I hope you get a chance to answer them.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 1:21 PM

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Ok, so here is a little different point of veiw, is it possible that the anger / disgust you feel is more about you than him?

For so long you were overweight and held the hate and disgust for yourself, and now that you have lost it you have to place that feeling somewhere else. We can lose the weight, but sometimes it takes so much more to gain control over our emotional demons.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 1:37 PM

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Strange that you would think the OP hated and felt disgusted at herself. It sounds like you just assume everyone who is overweight hates themselves for it. Maybe your the one with the disgust/hate issue. I would think that the OP loved herself for doing the hard work she's been doing.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 5:01 PM

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OP here, first I want to thank everyone for their input and some helpful advice. To 11:59 I have been with my husband for 6 years. We both had a weight problem and both got fatter while together. We haven't been intimate for almost 6 months mow and I was the one who started it last. His past girlfriends were always a bit chunky but not fat or obese. He doesn't talk about my success at all and nor do I bring it up in fear of how he will react. I started feeling differently about him when I saw he wasn't even trying anymore, shortly after I realized he had put on all his weight he lost. He acts like a different person, he doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything. His whole personality has changed and he just doesn't enjoy anything at all. He isn't even active at home, he was before the big gain. Sometimes I feel like we are just roommates.

I will update you all, I spent most of Sunday writing down what I was feeling and what I wanted to say and share with him. I got up the nerve to talk to him last night and it went surprisingly well. It was hard and we both cried but in the end he listened to me and then shared some things with me. I felt like I had my husband back, my friend especially. He is also concerned about how heavy he has gotten and admitted he needs help but doesn't know where to start. I am going to help him with this and I will support him. This morning we did a weigh in and called the doc to have him checked out. I was shocked to see that he was heavier then I thought and he was really ashamed that hes gained that much weight. He weighed in at 352, I think it did him good to see the number. We then went for a walk. We will start walking every morning and after dinner. He promised me he will not do anymore binge eating and will think about OA. He expressed his biggest fear in all this was losing me and he denied having an affair. So I am hoping that together he will start losing again and I can finish off my last 15 pounds. But right now I am more concerned about him. I will not be to pushy but I am going to see that we get our walks in every day. I will check back in a month and update you all. Thanks again.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 7:37 PM

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Wow OP - that took some inner strength to reach out to him. I hope I speak for everyone when I say we are so proud of you! Yes, things won't be resolved in a day, but you took positive, proactive steps to address something that's been bothering you and to help a loved one.

I dearly hope you two are able to keep up your forward steps and reclaim your marriage (sex life and all!).

Lots of people have trouble losing weight without the support of a peer group (one of the reasons many of us are here) - maybe look into programs where he can interact with others? From what you describe, it's a very good thing he is getting a check-uip. Best wishes to you both!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 9:43 PM

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Op I am so glad you spoke to him and the outcome was positive. I hope you can give him the support he will need. And remember have patience he won't lose the weight over night. But I bet within a year he will be a different man again, hopefully the man you fell in love with. I also think that someone posted a comment about asking a buddy of his to start doing a weekly sport or activity with him. Thats not a bad idea, you should think about doing that.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007, 10:24 PM

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how great it must feel after this breakthrough.... interesting.. because a lot of the pent up feelings had to do with losing you I guess because you are becoming more attractive.. what you did was great.. showing him that he wont lose you and that you are with him 100% of the way.. I think its what he needed to hear.. good for you and good luck to both of you. slowly things will start getting back to normal....

I just want to share somehing, though, about OA - just consider it.. if he is an extreme kind of person, it might no be great for him because its black and white - no gray areas.... either you are abstinent (stayed on your plan) or you are not. I was abstinent for 88 days.. felt GREAT.. something triggered me and I "broke" abstinence then I went crazy because I had blown it and had to start again at day 1 of abstinence... couldnt get back and just ate like a crazy out of control maniac.. even to the point of purging because I couldnt handle all that food in my body after not having it for so long. i stopped hte purging shortly after but i kep on binging.. the thought of starting again was too hard. anyway.. for some personalities it wont work. i would advise weight watchers online because its so flexible and easy to stick to - or fat smash would even be good. In any event, buy him the Beck Diet solution to stick to his plan. he will LOVE it. its very straight foreward and I think will really help him change his thinking.

anyone else have a different experience with OA?

Wednesday, October 31, 2007, 5:24 AM

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OP its been a few days and I just wanted to know how things are going so far?

Friday, November 02, 2007, 12:33 PM

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OP again, 12:33 its going good, thanks for asking. He seems less depressed and we are walking everyday after dinner and most days before we get going for work. The am walks are shorter though. He is also trying to eat well and healthier and he is eating mostly at home. He seems sort of excited about the whole thing and I certainly feel better about everything. I especially feel more attracted to him since we had the talk and he seems to have really listened. Its only been a week but he has lost 4.6 pounds and I think he feels great about that.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007, 10:44 PM

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I'm SO happy for you guys! Communication really is the key!

Wednesday, November 07, 2007, 2:07 AM

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Wow, OP, it sounds as though he is making great progress! 4.6 pounds is quite a bit in one week. And YOU are the major contributing factor! Good work! I hope you are proud of yourself as well as of him.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007, 7:45 AM

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Update, So its been almost 4 weeks and my husband has stuck to the plan and we walk everyday and now he is talking about maybe joining a gym. I haven't pushed the gym idea, I want it to be his decision. So far he has lost almost 22 pounds and I can tell he feels good about it and himself. I feel so relieved that he is sticking to it and I talked to him. Our relationship is getting much better and I feel closer to him again.

Saturday, November 24, 2007, 11:56 AM

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Update, hubby is still going strong and is actually excited about the weight he has been losing. I am excited and proud of him. He has stepped it up and joined a gym and goes 5 times a week after work and we still walk after dinner. Our personal life is much better and I feel happier then I have in a long time. I feel like I have my husband back. He has lost 35 pounds so far. His goal is to lose another 100 or maybe 110 pounds but he plans to set 10-20 pound goals. He seems a lot happier and more energized.

Saturday, December 22, 2007, 2:18 AM

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that's really fantastic. I am very happy for you! and its the hardest time of year.. good for him for sticking to his guns.. I'm sure this will brighten your holidays together.

Saturday, December 22, 2007, 8:15 AM

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