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MIL problem...regarding my weight
Okay, now to preface all of this you have to know my MIL. She is a kind person, but very selfish. Likes to TALK... a lot! And to get into the middle of everyone's business. But she does it in a sweet way, so it's hard to take offense. I mostly just find it annoying...
So, anyway, at my son's bday party last weekend she was just going on and on about my weight loss. (FYI, 240 down to 168) So, then she tells about their recent trip out of town with some friends. So she says she took along our Christmas picture from last year and when they were at dinner passed it around and told everyone to look at me (6 others and FIL). Then, she says she pulled out our Christmas pic from this year and passes it around and says something about look at her here. Okay, I know she is proud of me, I understand that. But, isn't it my choice to share my before and after pics? Can't she just say, "Here is my son and his family. Aren't they beautiful?" Or, each time she sees me say something about how nice I look or how healthy I am. Not, "Wow, honey, how much've you lost now!" I just feel like a freak show. Let people know me now, I don't need her to constanlty remind me and everyone else how gigantic I used to be...
On the same note, the woman takes a family picture at every gathering now. Ummm......it's been 13 years and this just started. I feel like she didn't want pics of me before and is now just getting her most recent "after" pic.
So, my question is...Do I say something, have hubby say something. Make it a planned talk or wait til the next time and call her on it? Honestly it really hurts my feelings, I was very upset the night after I found out and it has just kept bothering me...
Thanks for listening and any advice you may have!
Tue. Jan 29, 10:57am
I would say talk to hubby. He may be able to shed some light on this. If not, maybe he could at least talk to dear old mom and find out what's going on or ask her to cool it a little. He could say something along the lines of your not quite used to your new svelte self and need a little more time to get used to how fab you've gotten. Worse comes to worse, take it as a compliment that she's proud and be proud of yourself too.
Hope all works out well for you.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 11:04 AM
I would say change your perspective.
You have a MIL who is obviously very proud of you. She compliments you and perhaps leaves out the weight so you don't feel offended, which you're doing anyways.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 11:34 AM
11:34 she doesn't leave out the weight, she's pulling out old fat pictures to show and compare for people the OP doesn't even know.
OP it is clear that your MIL is proud of you. Could it be she just never has known anyone to accomplish so much? I mean you have lost 72 pounds, thats huge, she might not know anyone who has been able to do that and so seeing it is like wow. Maybe she just can't help herself. I would say next time she brings it up you should just mention to her that it sort of embarrasses you when she makes such a big to do over it. Say it nicely and I'm sure she won't have a problem with that. I think if you have a good relationship with her it will be fine, if its not so good have your husband mention something. But clearly this is a women who is going to need to have something said about it lightly. As far as the new picture taking, maybe she has realized she has hardly any pics of her family and is making up for it. Either way, you should think of yourself as an inspiration to many. So many try to lose weight and fail. You have loss 72 pounds, you should be proud and feel good about that. Not shy and embarrassed about it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 11:55 AM
It could be a jealousy issue not many people are able to achieve such a goal, some people like to point it out in a neg. way , reagrdless just be proud, so what if you were 72 lbs heavier it is part of who you are and your journey to get here, Regarding the pictures I could see how it would bother you , is there anyway you could just say to her that it bothers me that you take outt hose photos, I feel judged or ...I appreciate your support in showing pictures, but I truly keep those as a personal reminder not for others, I am this little person now so let's skip the photo ritual...I guess being kind is the route to go another words gently let her know it bothers you and after that if it persists yaeh it is time to either get firmer or ask hubby to get involved.
Good luck, And above all GIRL BE PROUD!! You rock many congrats on your success!!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 12:11 PM
I wouldn't read into the sudden interest in taking family photos. You never know what could've set that off.
I understand what you're saying about the pictures. I wouldn't have been real happy about it either. But, if she's a genuinely nice person then it sounds like she's just a bit off in demonstrating how proud she is of you. If there was ill intent she would've only showed the 'Before' picture! If you have a good relationship with her, I would mention it now and avoid the 'next time.' You could always frame it as a request for the picture back - 'It embarasses me that this picture is out there! Do me a favor and just share pictures of the new me. "
As for the constant references to your weight loss...keep in mind you've done an amazing thing! I couldn't stop saying 'wow' and checking for a weight loss total everytime I saw one of my friends and she only lost 30 pounds! And she seemed happy to share her progress. I think seeing you just provokes that 'wow' response in her - she's amazed and proud.
If you're not that close to her have your husband make the request about the photo. Assume good will and move on. And congrats on your weight loss! That represents A LOT of hard work!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 12:27 PM
Hey, OP here. Thanks so much! I think I'm letting her "total" annoying-ness get the best of me. She is calling 3-4 times a day and takes everything I tell her and broadcasts it. Not even regarding weight. I just need some space. I was going to avoid the all out conversation of everything, and just mention small things as they happen, but she just keeps calling. I mean, house, then cell, then hubby's work, hubby's cell. And this is almost a daily routine. I don't even want my phone to ring anymore because I know it's her. She needs to be told, I know. I just hate to cause any conflict and have been avoiding it...
BTW, thanks for the great comments on my weight achievement!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 1:55 PM
Sadly - avoiding conflict does nothing but give her the message that she should keep doing whatever she's doing, because obviously you're fine with it or you would have said something right? The hard part is feeling your way without hurting her feelings. Some of this needs to be in your husband's lap and guys are surprisingly worse about conflict than us gals. However it's his mom and pressumably he can tell her things that wouldn't be ok coming from a daughter-in-law. Don't break it down into individual issues, but instead address the behavior that causes the issue. Quite frankly she sounds really lonely and possibly bored - is she retired? You guys need to set some boundaries (which is hard when you haven't been) and make yourselves off-limits and communicate your availablity to her. Good luck!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 3:47 PM
Honestly, I think you should be glad your MIL is so proud of your weight loss. Years ago I was VERY heavy and at one point I was taking diet pills. Well, one of my kids said "grandma said to so and so, I don't know why she's taking those, it's obviously doing nothing for her, as a matter of fact she's only gotten bigger!" Yikes, so you would think when I lost over 100 pounds and have kept it off for over 10 years SHE would say really make a big deal about it. Now here and there she had said initially, wow, you DID lose some weight. But never anything after that. Now she comes to me to find out what new things I'm eating that she can start buying because I like to eat but I'm doing it much healthier these days. I never really had her say she was proud of my weight loss, etc. Sometimes she has said I place too much emphasis on it and my workouts. So, the moral of my story is sometimes these poor MIL's are damned if they do and damned if they don't, right?! LOL! I really think you should stop and think how great it is that she is so proud of you. I think that's wonderful, it is a huge accomplishment and not only should she be proud but so should you! I don't think she was embarrassed of you before, truly I don't. I just think she thinks what you did was so incredible that she wants to show everyone this huge improvement you made in your life. I'm not trying to be judgemental and have definately had my differences with my own MIL but age has softened me somewhat and regardless I'm lucky to have her. That's how I feel these days, 6 or 7 years ago I would have killed the bitch! I finally figured out it was partially my fault for reading too much negative into the things she was saying or doing. Just a different perspective trying to get you to see it from both sides. Congrats by the way!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 4:37 PM
First off - damn i wish i was in your shoes LOL i know you only got there by hard work - so good for you. Second of all, your MIL might be kind of a freak but she certainly is proud of what you accomplished. Its not even worth saying anything, unless you have to see her multiple times a week or something, just roll with it.
Also would like to know - what were you doing to lose the weight? Very impressive. : 0
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 4:44 PM
I would prefer what your MIL did than what my sister did this past weekend. She told me that her sons who are in Junior high and high school thought I looked anerexic. (give me a break I weigh 148 and boys that age are not saying that). later she told me that my boobs looked smaller and was I planing on getting a boob job next, (my cup size has not changed). So I would prefer to have someone say look at how good she looks she worked hard.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 5:10 PM
I think its clear your MIL is maybe going through some sort of thing. Calling anyone that many times is crazy, either she is really lonely or obsessed. The constant calling needs to stop. Don't you have caller ID, if you do don't answer her calls, let her leave messages. Ask your hubby to talk to her about that. As far as the weight loss goes, enjoy it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 9:29 PM
hey there! OP here...
Thanks so much. I agree with ALL of you. Mostly that my MIL is a freak. No, just kidding, but funny 4:44.
Ya, she is lonely, and obsessive. I do screen her calls, but if I don't answer the house or my cell she starts calling my husband at work. Which he doesn't appreciate, but also doesn't relay to her very clearly.
Actually, without my knowing he had a talk with her on his way home tonight - she called him, go figure, cause I didn't answer. LOL Anyway, he brought up some specific incidents and she was completely oblivious to anything she is doing that could bother anyone. I think I will call tomorrow and clarify the real problem. And that is that she needs to back the heck off! I mean, I wake up dreading the phone ringing - and it starts at 8:30 a.m. I'll be nice about it, and maybe throw in some "I'm concerned about you...blah, blah, blah's" I'm really not trying to be mean - I am not a MIL hater. I just have a limit and I thinked she has reached it. But, I think she's in a place right now where she needs help. I didn't mention that she is a hypochondriac and I am almost sure she is addicted to pain killers. She LOVES having surgery - I joke that she is rebuilding herself piece by piece so that she can stick around and bug us forever! LOL Wow, so much to realize as you finally get it out in writing. Sorry for the rant, but I truly appreciate all your insights today - it helped a lot!!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008, 11:40 PM
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