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Help! My 12 year old daughter is overweight

My daughter is only 4'11" and is now weighing 146 lbs. Even though she is active - cheerleading, basketball team, open gym @ YMCA 2-3 times / week , gym class 5 days a week last 9 week period @ school - she is still putting on weight. (She weighted 138 in the fall after cheer season ended, and I was concerned!) So she's put on 8 lbs since Nov. I get mixed advice - her pediatrician says no to be alarmed, a girls bmi should not be considered until after she starts her period. (Which she hasn't.) Some others have said that with middle school and boys, she will figure it out herself and start "dieting" or whatever. I am afraid then she will fall under pressure from friends and start starving herself or fall deeper into eating her feelings. She doesn't eat any more than kids her age do - believe me, I have paid attention! But that's when I see her. She has a lot of friends and "boyfriends" but the fat issue always arises when the boys "break up " with her. She either feels that's why they "break up" with her or because she's heard that's why from friends. I know it's jr. high and these kids change boyfreinds and girlfriends like socks, but I remember how that felt, and I remember the pain well, and as she's lightheartedly laughing it off as she tells me , " he said I was fat - whatever!" it's killing me and I know it hurts her just as bad.

I talked to her on Sun. and told her that WE - her and myself - were going to have to start being responsible for what we eat. I told her that it was her increasing weight gain every month in spite of her activity that was concerning me - NOT how she looked, NOT what friends @ school thought or said. I want her to be concerned too because she is doing a lot socially with friends and is out of my eye. She can tell me she got a bottle of water at the dance but really had 2 Mt. Dews. She can telll me she has a good lunch in the cafeteria but can eat pizza and fries everyday. I've been packing her lunch for 2 days now (turkey sanwich, whole grain bread, celery, grapes) and have told her she needs to do her part by eating healthier because this weight gain every month is a wake up call. I told her we could encounter problems in the future if it continues - I DID NOT tell her we have a problem now. She told me after we talked that she knows she doesn't eat what she shoulld, she just doesn't want to hear about it and gave me a big hug. It's hrd to not eat as much and what kinds of food your thin friends do.

I am a SAH mom and can honestly say we have very limited junk food here. We do not have pop, juice, etc. we have water and skim milk. We have baked chips when we have them and push fruit/veggie snacks - which she doesn't want to eat.

I was overweight when I was younger, teased and had but a few friends. I wished my mom showed more concern for me and did more than tell me to suck my stomach in. I think if she would have been I wouldn't have turned to friends with Dexatrim and Vivarin to keep weight off in high school.

I just want my girl to know it's not about image, but health. They go hand in hand though. Eating healthy with junk food in moderation and being physically active leads to feeling better and having a better overall self image - no matter what size is her healthy size. That's why I'm buckling down more now. Not because I'm talking DIET.

Ok, I've wrote an entire book. Any stories, ideas or advice is appreciated!


Tue. Mar 3, 1:22pm

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Look up HAES. It stands for 'health at every size' and focuses on activity and healthy intuitive eating and positive body image, not on weight loss.

I just worry that because her weight gain is what is causing you to talk to her about her health suddenly, that no amount of talking is going to make her hear the difference between concern for her 'health' and concern for her 'appearance'. Even though your intention is to call attention to possible health issues, and not how she looks.

I think you're right to encourage activity and make available healthy food choices, such as the lunches you're packing for her and the sports she's already involved in. But at the same time, she's a girl living in this world, so she's probably already got the message loud and clear that it's easier/better/more attractive to be thin. She probably doensn't need it coming from her mom also.

I'd just have nutritious food available, encourage her to keep up with her sports that she enjoys, and be suportive of her as she starts going through her teens. No amount of badgering ever made anyone lose weight or exercise. Just encourage her to love herself, be active, and eat well, and set a good example for her. She will figure it out. :)

Tuesday, March 03, 2009, 5:21 PM

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My sister was a chubby preadolescent kid. SO much talk revolved around her eating and weight that she became anorexic and starved herself for years. She is at a very delicate age. Please do not focus so much on her weight. Encourage healthy eating andf PORTIONS and praise her for being so active!!! Sounds like she is a good kid and doing a lot to keep herself form being a cound potato.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009, 5:27 PM

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I was a chubby 12-year-old and my mom constantly rode me about it. I lost weight because I became bulimic. I agree with PP, encourage her to get active. Maybe invite her for a bike ride on the weekends or when she's not busy. Lead by example. My mom was overweight trying to tell me to lose weight, it was hypocritical.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009, 5:31 PM

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PP here, I meant I agreed with the PP in praising her for being active and encourage portion control.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009, 5:31 PM

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Whatever you do DO NOT USE THE WORD DIET...

Okay from there, a couple things...

Get her in on the cooking and obviously help the whole family to eat healthier, very few chubby children come from families who are nutritionally sound and lack junk food.

Don't just praise her for exercising... that isn't enough. Join a club and get her involved in discovering different activities. Research events and such that may be a new outdoor activity in your area, sign her up for parks and recs activities... the point is exposure... from there let her pick her cup of tea and support her in her activity.

I was a skinny kid when I was little because I was FORCED into ballet... when I finally could get my point across that I hated it, I had sworn off all activity as a protest (I didn't want another forced activity)... It took me years but I am slowly coming around to exercise and finding it fun....

Over everything your concern is wonderful but be careful not to pass off the concern to your daughter.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009, 8:56 PM

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My daughter was worried about her 10 yr old gaining suddenly so bought her the WI fit game....it is a tv/video game but takes lots of physical activity to play.....everything from jogging, to bowling, to tennis, etc...just as if you were outside playing hard. Maybe take up actual bowling with her, or a dance class, ...we love ice skating and roller skating...she will meet friends there who are also active. As long as she is moving, and you are limiting sweets and carbs, she is not being unhealthy. Check labels for sugar content...juices are high, even gatorade is high. Poptarts and chips are terrible. Learning now to eat for fuel rather than pleasure is an education in itself that she will have forever.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009, 2:57 AM

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First step should be with her pediatrician or family doctor

Whatever you do, you don't want to take the wrong steps. Make sure you consult with a doctor first before you start her on a "diet" program. And make sure you learn ways to approach her weight and physical fitness in a healthy manner. You don't want any eating disorders on your hands. There could also be underlying medical issues involved.

Good Luck!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009, 10:29 AM

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This is coming from a former teacher who has seen lots of adolescents struggle with self-image and weight.

I think your concern is great. She may not appreciate it as much as you'd like, but she's got a leg up on the kids that don't have concerened parents. And now - quite frankly you've said your piece, so it's time to stop and put your money where your mouth is, and lead by example. Just mouthing words doesn't cut it with kids. Kids desire and value consistency from the adults around them. They have very little control over their livelihood (which is why they work so hard at exerting their independence), so for better or worse they really like it when they know what to expect.

She'll listen better if she sees that you mean business and not just her business. Kids get a lot of well-intentioned lectures from adults and then they see a lot of hypocritical behavior. She has your words inside her, now give them meaning. I like that you said you both needed to pay attention. And the previous poster who said to do activities together had a good point - doing things together gives you time with each other and the message that it's not about her alone. Being consistent about it shows you value these activities and choices, and that your words can be taken seriously because your actions back them up.

My mom and I used to take a daily 2 mile walk together and whenever we visit each other we still do. It's now far more than a walk - it's our mother-daughter time, and as we each age it's taken on a bittersweet life of its own. I'm so grateful for that time with her. I really don't think sitting there watching tv with her would have become the same meaningful ritual.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009, 2:32 PM

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interesting article on mothers and daughters and food

Link

Saturday, March 14, 2009, 1:40 AM

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I am a teen who lives in a home who my family don't care about their weight so I am thinking do people in your home watch your weight?

Plus don't be so harsh on her or she's going to think and tell all of her friends that her mom thinks shes fat, and she is going to be unconfortable with you.

Say that it is you who wants to change your diet so put some healthy food in the home, if she is to eat something bad shell do it in school and it is not like she is eating at school the whole 8 hours shes there. And make sure you talk to family members before you start bringing the new foods.

Also she could be getting her period, when girls get their period weight usually comes up.

She can also be sleeping too much and/or eating and going to bed that is not good.

Don't preassure her, if you do it will make her eat more.

Tell her how people whio eat their emotions out are stupid and that instead of eating they should workout or something like that.

Also give her an example of someone and tell her that when there's a break up that the girl instead of eating it all up that she should lose weight and show the guy what he is missing.

Don't mainly direct things about her, say it inderectly.

Praise her enough when shes doing good, too much prasing can cause het to think that she's doing really really good and that she can have her slip ups here and there you know??

Hope it helps

Saturday, March 14, 2009, 2:03 AM

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2:03 - Great advice!

You can't beat a teen's advice when it comes to dealing with teens!

Saturday, March 14, 2009, 7:20 AM

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Peer trainer is a website that helps to their clients for getting healthy and slim. It has a lounge story that includes a daughter with an overweight issue. Here you can easily get linkedin profile writing service from us to solve your problems easily. She is active and plays basketball as well. Read their story and comment on your queries there. Join them.

Monday, June 22, 2020, 9:02 PM

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