-To daily eat a healthy responsible food plan without insanity.
-To exercise almost daily,
-to meet my obligations to my self and family without resentment or selfishness,
- to be a healthy weight for me (under 130 lbs)
-To deal with emotions, whether positive or negative, without eating over them
-To be strong in all areas of my life and continue to grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally
-To never again feel that I am somehow deficient or less than everyone else, realizing that I am a whole, competent, and worthy person as I am.
-to be happy- that means to not give in to sadness, and to dwell on happy thoughts. to assert my will and my efforts toward accepting my life as it is now and not wish for the past.
"We dont change the world through epiphanies, but by doing lots of little things that add up to sustained transformation. Simple things are not always easy to change, but by improving one thing at a time, we make progress toward great things" Dave Ulrich
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tonight I am going to a group reading by a psychic medium. I have never done this nor ever gave them any credability. I am very much a realist and a skeptic. However, I am setting all that aside tonight in hopes of getting some kind of anything- I dont even know what- that will tell me Erv exists and that he is happy and that he is with me still. Then of course I will be mad at him again for leaving me because I am not happy at all! Grief is tangible, though I always thought it was more metaphysical like other feelings. It is almost like PigPen in Charlie Brown- a dark cloud not just hovering but surrounding, that goes with me. Maybe tonight I will get something else that is tangible to hold on to.
Before Erv and I married 22 years ago, he was living by himself, in a wheel chair, his kids in another city. He said every day he just got up and did what had to be done and wondered how long he would even stay alive with his MS and didnt really care if he lived or not. He was not suicidal but resigned to just existing for however long he had. All through our marriage he wrote me cards and poems that said I gave him that reason to want to fight for life, for just one more day. That kept him alive much longer than anyone thought. I am finding I am like he used to be- I just dont care. I will do what is expected since I have kids but being alive brings no joy or pleasure. Even Elvis is not much of a comfort right now though his music still touches me- just different songs now.
I am not really desiring to change any of this. I almost prefer to stay wadded up in a tight ball of grief rather than let it go. It is the closest I can feel to him. I am educated and rational so I truly know this is normal for someone grieving such a loss. However, no one has or can experience the loss of my husband. It is personal. Someone else's grief for their husband would be different. So this is my very own sadness and emptyness that I carry. It is what is left when he left.
So tonight if anyone reads this, say a little prayer or think a little thought for me tonight. I have a private meeting with her next thursday as well.
I get off at 3, have a nail appt from 330-5. I need to be to the church where the reading will be by 630 at the latest. So if I have time I will go home to eat but I want to leave my house by 545. They close the door at 7 and no one can come in or out until 9. Food is not much on my mind.