afraid I have an eating disorder, this is a long post but please help.

Originally I began dieting again to lose the last 10 pounds. I have...but I want to lose more. I now weigh 105 pounds at 5ft tall. I am not underweight and I am certainly not over weight. There are long periods of time when I eat normally, indulge a bit, count calories and mainly eat healthy balanced meals. But then there are times like now. Friday night I spiraled out of control and ate anything i wanted to....it was all crap but I still stayed at 1600 calories or so which is fine....but it didnt feel fine to me because it was all such junky stuff. So I took a bunch of laxatives and diet pills trying to undo the damage ( I know it doesnt and I know what laxative abuse can do to you) I just wanted it all out of me. After spending the next day with horrible stomach problems I still felt like I'd screwed up because the scale said I was 3 pounds heavier. So I didnt eat for 3 days...my goal was 5.every month or so this happens. And tonight I felt light headed and out of it ofcourse. But in the morning I have an appointment with a therapist and I didnt want to seem like something was wrong ( i know thats the exact opposite of what I should be doing with a therapist), so I made myself eat. But even just that was difficult. I had a cup of string beans and an orange and a fig and I feel guilty because of it....although it was the first food I'd had since friday. I've been making so much progress in therapy but I havent had an appointment in months and I dont want her to think I've gone off the deep end. But I think I have and I don't even know what I'm trying to do anymore. The weight just comes off this way...so quickly and I know that I'm hurting my metabolism and thats what scares me about stopping. I dont want to gain the weight back but I dont know how to maintain anymore...only how to lose. I'm pretty active and I get about 40 minutes of cardio a day. Food is controlling my life, but I dont want to get better. I don't feel like I'm thin enough to ask for help. This entire post is so naive. I've had close family and friends suffer from anorexia and bulimia and I've helped them seek help and get better. but now that I see the symptoms in myself I can't stop. everyone keeps telling me how great I look and how thin I am..."so slender and beautiful" thats what my parents said when seeing me. I'm in therapy for a whole different set of problems...ones that are getting better each day, and this is one I've never discussed with my therapist, I'm too afraid she'll judge me even though shes only been helpful and very supportive with everything else. I dont want to stop and I dont want to hurt myself anymore. I need some advice, but please be kind because I'm feeling very vulnerable even writing this down. I know we are all struggling with food and weight in our own lives and it can be hard to relate, but thank you for reading this.

Tue. Mar 7, 12:23am

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