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This has nothing to do with weight loss, but it is something that affects my life regularly and I wanted to get some advice from other women. After I had my first child I completely lost interest in sex. I "do" it once a week for my husband's benefit (it's better than listening to him whine), but really, I couldn't care less. I have a wonderful marriage, just zero sex drive. I am 5'5" and 138 pounds so I don't think it's about body image. I am also not gay. I've had blood tests to rule out low testosterine levels and everything checked out OK. It's not even about the romance, because my husband is very good to me. I just naturally recoil when I'm touched and have to hide it from him so as not to hurt his feelings. This has been bothering me for 11 years. Anyone have any advice on how to "want" to have sex? Oh, and I climax everytime, so it's not that either. (I know, too much info, but some of you are probably thinking my husband just isn't good in bed.)
Sat. Feb 2, 5:10pm
How old are you? After I had my first kid, sex was the last thing I wanted. Other than the 1st kids though - we had nothing in common. I was over weight, married to the least romantic man in the world, he wasn't that great in bed and I had never known an orgasm until I met my second husband! (Which came well after the 2nd kid!)
With that being said - I can safely say that my libido really didn't kick in until my early to mid 30's. But the last few years have been crazy! So your age may be something to consider. I also found that the older I got, the less "dirty" it felt to me because of the way I was raised.
When all else fails - seek guidance from a pro. Maybe you have some unresolved things in your past that you just need validated by someone who is a 3rd party. Still several variables that I don't know...
Best of luck to you though!
Saturday, February 02, 2008, 5:28 PM
Perhaps you should seek the advise of a sex therapist... 11 years seems to be a long time of feeling this way. May you feel better soon :)
Saturday, February 02, 2008, 5:33 PM
I am 38 years old and have 2 children now. Their ages are 11 and 8. I saw someone when I was in university because I had the same aversion when I was with a previous boyfriend (which went away when I met my husband, until after our first child was born). I didn't really learn anything, except maybe my Catholic upbringing made sex seem "bad" and I couldn't shake it as an adult. I even wondered if I had been abused as a kid, but I don't remember anything like that happening. My parents are great, although they were SUPER strict with me when I was growing up. Does that help?
Saturday, February 02, 2008, 5:55 PM
You don't have to answer this, just think about it - how do you really feel about your husband?
I lost interest in sex with my ex-husband when I realized I couldn't get anything I wanted out of life if I stayed with him, and all he did was make me feel bad about not wanting two kids, a dog and a minivan. I pretty much stopped having any romantic feelings toward him at all, which was his first clue that the end was nigh - we went from having sex 5x a week to zero. My body processed the inevitable conclusions way faster than my mind did...or wanted to.
Anyway, just putting it out there that you might want to think hard about your feelings towards your husband and, since it's relevant to the timing, perhaps motherhood too.
Saturday, February 02, 2008, 7:17 PM
There are so many thing that can cause this issue. You have ruled out hormonal so that can't be it. How do you really feel about you? What your doing with your life, where you are? DO you have something in your life that you are passionate about, other then the kids? Sometimes when you don't feel good about yourself, or you feel like there is no purpose the sex drive takes a dive. In you case though it is an oddity in the fact that this has been going on for 11 years. That is a really long time. I would take a closer look at how you feel about your life and how you really feel about your husband.
Saturday, February 02, 2008, 7:24 PM
I dearly love my husband, and my children. My husband is my soul mate and I cannot imagine my life without him. We knew within 7 weeks of dating that we were meant for each other (and this right after a 4-year relationship I had with someone else, so I didn't take it lightly...) My problem is just that I have no sexual desire. I've tried different products on the market to get myself in the mood, and I exercise everyday. If there was a Viagra for women, I'd take it! I think my problems started when the kids were little and I was so tired. My husband and I no longer had the same interest in sex, and I resented having to do another "job" at the end of the day. I know that sounds insensitive, but when you're tired, that's how it feels. I finally got him to agree to only once a week, and I've stuck to that, but even that feels like a chore sometimes. Once I get into it, I'm OK. It's just that initial touch that makes me want to turn inside out. Am I the only woman who feels this way?
Saturday, February 02, 2008, 9:25 PM
Wow, I find it really sad that you think of having sex with your husband another job at the end of the day. Maybe that is your problem, the way you think of sex. I also find it hard to imagine that you actually climax every time when you finally do put out for him, most women I know would love to be able to get off every time and they actually enjoy sex. I feel bad for your husband and can't imagine he is all to happy with the situation. Don't you think he knows how you feel, don't you think it comes across loud and clear that you have no interest in sex? How do you think that makes him feel? There are drugs on the market that is like viagra for women. I think what you need to do is talk to your doctor, talk to your husband and take a good long look at whats going on inside of you. Most of the time women have no sexual desire it is usually because of 1 of 2 things, either you don't feel good about yourself, or you just are not willing to admit your husband just doesn't do it for you. You have already ruled out a hormonal issue so it has to be either of these things. You can still love someone and not be sexually attracted to them, but how sad for the other person. Any woman who says that her husbands "initial touch that makes me want to turn inside out" is just simply turned off by her man. So I think you need to do some real soul searching and stop being in denial. For some reason you are not attracted to him and can't even stand to be touched by him. I think you need to go see a therapist.
Saturday, February 02, 2008, 10:37 PM
Hi All, I too can care less about sex. I try to see if its just my husband but even trying to picture myself with someone else having sex does not interest me. I too had my hormones checked even sighned up to be part of a study. The only thing with the study was I had to take way too many pills. I do know that I am not romantically passionate about my husband though. We do have 2 daughters. We've been married for 10 years and together for 17. My husband and I are close to coming to our cross road.
Saturday, February 02, 2008, 11:54 PM
thank you for having the courage to bring it up. It is unfair to your husband but it's not like you are with holding out of spite or anything. You feel the way you feel and no one can judge you. But we all can continue to engage in healthy conversation around it. Again, it took courage fornyou to bring it up. Clearly, this is weighing heavily on your mind.
Sunday, February 03, 2008, 12:03 AM
Thank you to the last two posters for your empathetic response. Clearly, the one before you doesn't realize how hard this is for me. My husband is aware of my low libido, but I don't make him suffer for it. I hardly think weekly sex is suffering on his part. I'm the one with the emotional issues. I don't think I need to feel any more guilty than I already do. And, like one poster already said, I don't want to have sex with anyone else either. What I want, is to WANT to have sex with my husband.
Sunday, February 03, 2008, 6:53 PM
Try Sexual Aids
watch a dirty movie together, or have some fun with some toys. focus on how connected you feel.
Monday, February 04, 2008, 5:31 PM
I've been trying to spice things up for awhile, to try and increase my interest (I don't have much interest either - I'm usually tired and just don't feel like putting forth the effort.) Putting forth the effort to spice things up gives you something to look forward to. For example, I bought the Liberator for my husband for Valentines Day. Not only does it make certain positions way easier, and others way more fun, but it makes the whole thing seem naughty and exciting! Toys, new underwear, porn, etc., can help get you in the mood too!
Monday, February 04, 2008, 5:33 PM
Try a few nights a week of just making out with your husband not having sex unless you want to but just enjoying oneanother without intercourse and see what happens.
Monday, February 04, 2008, 5:54 PM
I remember having young children & being so busy that when my hubby touched me it was 1 more person that i had to take care of or he interupted my housework that i was trying to get done & was resentful about. Could that just be it?
Monday, February 04, 2008, 10:28 PM
I think that was a big part of it originally. We were always on the same wavelength when it came to sex before the kids, and I felt like everything was even and equal. I really liked the fact that there was no pressure for more (like I've had with previous boyfriends) and that he respected my feelings. It actually made me "want it" more when I had to work a little to get it. It made me feel sexy and like what I did made a difference. Now though, all I have to do is walk through the kitchen and his hand is between my legs. So much for me being seductive. Isn't that part of what makes sex appealing for women?
I also came to resent the fact that he didn't seem to be considerate of the fact that I was exhausted. He was just one more person I had to please. Maybe I never got over it, I don't know.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008, 1:57 PM
"Now though, all I have to do is walk through the kitchen and his hand is between my legs."
sounds like HE needs to work on being seductive! this is not a "smooth move" in any playbook. (although i'm sure it works sometimes for some couples)
Tuesday, February 05, 2008, 2:11 PM
how true, how true...
Tuesday, February 05, 2008, 3:42 PM
OP, I remember feeling the same way, though for me it was more off and on. Motherhood-esp. early motherhood--is exhausting, and very few men understand the way women feel about sex. My husband viewed it as a way to help boost my spirits...and I felt like he just didn't care about my chronic exhaustion.
Now my youngest is 8. Sometimes my husband is more inclined than I am, and sometimes it's the reverse, but both of us are quite willing to let the other wake us up. Not every time is equal, but *in this one aspect* I view sex in much the same way as I view movie choices: Sometimes I go along with his choice, sometimes he goes along with mine, sometimes we both want the exact same thing--and the only thing that causes tension is if one person has to have his or her way al the time.
It does seem easier for guys--easily turned on, no question as to what works, big finish...whereas for me and most women I know there's more interference to push through (all that noise in our heads), more variation in what works (even from time to time with the same woman), and a less predictable ending. But that's not his fault so I try not to hold it against him....
Tuesday, February 05, 2008, 3:44 PM
What's going on outside the bedroom ?
I've felt this way. But I came to find that it really didn't have anything to do with sex. I was just exhausted by life. That sounds depressing but true. I don't have kids but I have a demanding job and just running a house is a lot of effort. Maybe you and your husband need to talk about the amount of helping that he's doing outside the bedroom.
The consisten message in your posts is that your exhausted. Sounds to me that you are trying to be too much to everyone. If you work out every day, have two kids, a house, and a husband. (you didn't mention if you work outside the home).. then you might just be TIRED from surviving. I think you need to evaluate how much work you put in.. versus how much your husband puts in.
hope this helps
Tuesday, February 05, 2008, 7:45 PM
Actually, although I am very busy (I have a full-time job and work out 6-7 days a week too), my hubby is great about doing his share. I really can't complain about that. I just don't have any sexual urges. But thanks for the support. It's nice to hear from empathetic people.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008, 7:58 PM
I feel sorry for the husbands
You choose who you want to spend the rest of your life with, when a child comes into the scenario, to turn your back on the man you are supposed to love because you are too selfish by being too tired is wrong.
He is probably wondering what happened to the wonderful woman he married, and how did she shut down emotionally?
And then women wonder why men cheat? If he lives with an emotionally sterile woman who cringes when he touches her then to find someone who actually wants to be in his arms, who can blame him.
Try being more human towards you husbands feelings
Wednesday, February 06, 2008, 11:44 AM
pp, are you _twelve_? Maybe you should try reading the posts. This is a bunch of people SEARCHING for ways to make everything work for everybody -- their husbands, their kids, and themselves. That's not selfish, it's superhuman.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008, 11:49 AM
Is it possible somehow your view of him has changed into a father figure? That happened to me with my huband, and I too recoiled from his touch - it took me years to really put it all together what happened. It didn't start out that way.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008, 3:26 PM
11:44, First of all, I am not sterile, second of all, I am not doing this on purpose. For crying out loud, do you think I like feeling this way? Have a little heart. If I didn't care about my husband, I wouldn't be baring my soul looking for advice on how to make things better.
3:26 Yes, I think I do see him as my childrens' father (because he is a wonderful father) and I see myself very much as a mother. It's changing somewhat now that the kids are getting older, and people say that as your roles change, your feelings about who you are change too.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008, 5:58 PM
final comment from OP
OK, thanks to those of you who were supportive. However, the few people who were mean and nasty made this situation even harder for me so I will no longer be checking this thread. Reading them ruined my day and left me feeling like a selfish , "emotionally sterile" freak. I do believe I am a good and loving wife who was just looking for some tips on how to get things back in the groove. But, the more I wander these message boards the more I am appauled at the sheer cruelty that is out there. I don't need that in my life, so I'm outta here!
Wednesday, February 06, 2008, 6:07 PM
Don't be hard on yourself at all - and don't take a comment someone makes to heart - I feel just like you - my libido is also gone - I don't think there is anything wrong with me and certainly don't think there is anything wrong with you. I still have sex with my husband but it isn't the same - I make every effort I can but it is getting harder and harder to pretend I'm enjoying it. I don't have the answer - it isn't that I am exhausted from work or anything like that - I'm just simply not interested. So where do we go from here?
Wednesday, February 06, 2008, 6:21 PM
This is the type of conversation healthy adults should be able to engage in. Respectfully and with integrity we should support the needs of each other. The hardest part of surviving is to be able to communicate effectively with others. Many people just long to be able to speak about an issue or feelings simply to explore other peoples views. What better way than in this type of forum. Respect each other, don't pass judgement and let's explore our thoughts together. Again cudos to the OP who was courageous enough to put herself out there. There are many us who need and who want to talk. Cyber bullies stay away or refrain from posting any hurting others feelings. This is not the reason that we are here.
Now, please someone continue to post. I for one need to continue to explore this issue. Thank you.
Thursday, February 07, 2008, 9:40 AM
I forgot to add, OP please come back.
Thursday, February 07, 2008, 9:41 AM
I think this problem is more common than people really understand. I've also felt a decline in my libido since having my son 2 years ago. I thought that it was because of the weight gain, but now I've lost most of the weight, and still cringe when he touches me. It's a horrible feeling for both of us, and it's really put an enormous stress on our marriage. We have always been a pair with very high libidos, so it's a big mental struggle now. I think my lack of interest is either something hormonal or something psychological that I'm unconscious of, therefore I'm planning to get to the doctor to check for physical problems and then get to a therapist to try to work out the psychological problems. As many previous posters have mentioned being overbusy and exhausted is my biggest hurdle right now, because I've been saying this for almost two years now and still haven't found time to make the appointments. Reading this thread has encouraged me to do so though (even those bullies out there - as untactful as people are, they do have a point to consider).
Thursday, February 07, 2008, 10:18 AM
Yes, definately. Everyone has a point to consider. We just want to be a part of a forum where points are delivered or offered with respect.
Again, my issue is much like many other posts. I know that my husband is suffering. My intention is truly not to hurt him in that way. My desire is just not there. A healthy sex life is important. This too, I understand. Thus, the issue.
Thursday, February 07, 2008, 11:14 AM
I apologize. I reread my post and realized how brash it sounded after the fact. It was one of those - what sounds right in my head, did not sound right in print.
What I was trying to communicate was that, sometimes in marriages you have to work at it, and if you don't then you can lose everything you ever had. There are a lot of loveless marriages out there, where people stay together for the kids, not for each other. Kids grow up and leave home, and then it is just you and your spouse.
You choose your spouse, you don't choose your kids, and by making your spouse a priority, you make your marriage a priority.
Don't let yourself become another statistic, you have only one shot on this big blue ball, don't let it slip away.
Thursday, February 07, 2008, 3:26 PM
What? It has been so long I forgot. I don't think my husband and I have had any since before Christmas. We rarely even sleep in the same bed anymore and we have only been married for 2 years. He told me if I got to 200 pounds he would not find me attractive anymore. So I am at 190 and working out like crazy person. So I guess his original estimate was low. 190 was the cut off.
Friday, February 08, 2008, 1:14 PM
I am a 28 year old and my libido is pretty low too. I don't have children. I just don't think about or want sex very often! Maybe it's hormones, I'm not sure, I haven't been tested for anything.
I will say though that my husband and I have sex at least 3 times a week. I try very hard to initiate it sometimes (even though I don't really want to), and to get into it with him. I do it for him. It isn't miserable while we're doing it, it's just that sometimes I'd rather be doing something else! I don't mean to be selfish, sex just doesn't cross my mind very often!
I don't have body issues, I'm lean and in excellent shape so I don't know what it could be linked to. Any ideas anyone?
Friday, February 08, 2008, 1:52 PM
PP-Three times a week. I haven't had sex 3 times in the past 3 months. I am envious.
Friday, February 08, 2008, 1:55 PM
I can't explain it. Much like the OP, I used to have a lot of drive, even after kids. The change has been more recent for me. My girls are teens now and over the last couple of years I have had much less desire. Like the OP, I enjoy sex once we get into it but the desire to initiate is never there and my initial impulse upon his advances are to recoil. I try not to make him aware of how I feel becasue I know I will get over it once we get into it. And he is very considerate and not overly demanding. But I hate the fact that I don't WANT him.
For me, I am hoping it's hormonal. I am in my late 40s and have had other peri-menopause symptoms. I am only hopeful that I will overcome this once the hormones stablize.
Friday, February 08, 2008, 2:52 PM
I do make an effort for that 3 times that's for sure!
I am similar to the PP, once we start I'm fine but it usually isn't my idea, I don't love the idea and my first instinct is "Not in the mood"
I want to WANT it and to think about it and initiate it more!
Friday, February 08, 2008, 3:52 PM
I think sex is a joke... I don't like it at all... I just do it because I know it's what guys always want. Personally, I could live a great and happy life being completely sex-free.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Friday, February 08, 2008, 4:23 PM
Same here. Not to take anything away from those who absolutely love it. I just do not in any way feel a desire to have sex. And the idea of just lying there of pretending to enjoy everytime, scares me. I will then really become resentful and trapped.
Friday, February 08, 2008, 5:34 PM
There is a BIG difference between screwing anything that comes you way, and making love with your significant other.
One distances you from yourself, the other helps you connect with the person you love.
Friday, February 08, 2008, 5:45 PM
PP, I am not sure you are answering what the post is about. I don't think there is a question about screwing or making love. The discussion is for some women there is a lack of wanting any sex at all. We are just exploring the reasons why.
Many of us do love our husbands, but when it comes down to it, we'd rather not
have sex or we want to want to have it to satisfy our husbands, but we still aren't feeling it.
Friday, February 08, 2008, 6:16 PM
I was making a comment to the pp 4:23 and 5:34
Friday, February 08, 2008, 6:50 PM
PP - Oh, OK. I read those posts differently.
Friday, February 08, 2008, 7:02 PM
WOHOO! I actully had some last night. Amazing. In order to have that sex, I laid in the bed with my Hubby for 2 hours in the morning while he praddled on and on. Then I said forget it and got out of bed. He asks whats wrong I say nope, I told ou last year I am not complaining about my sex life or lack there of. Then last night he tried to sneak into bed when he thought I was asleep. I wasn't and we had a big 6 entire minutes of sex. I am going to cheat, he knows it I told him. He doesn't like the idea but just like cheating is a sin so is withholding yourself from your partner.
Sunday, February 10, 2008, 11:45 AM
So, this seems like the other way around. Please correct me if I am reading this wrong. He doesn't want to have sex, but you do? And, I agree. If one partner is with holding for whatever reason, the other has a right to do what they need to do. Honesty and communication needs to be part of this at all times. If truly, it isn't anyones fault then no one should be made to suffer.
Sunday, February 10, 2008, 4:02 PM
Well, when I saw that there were 44 posts on this thread curiosity got the better of me and I checked back in. Thank you to those who confirmed for me that I'm not alone in my low-libido struggles. Also, thank you to an earlier poster who apologized. That was very kind of you. It is such a sensitive topic that sometimes it's easy to get your feelings hurt. In an attempt to stay positive, why don't people share what turns them on? Maybe those of us lacking in that department could benefit from some practical suggestions.
Sunday, February 10, 2008, 7:16 PM
To 4:02-You are exactly right. It is the other way around. I am 39 and I guess I am in the end of my sexual peak, my Hubby is 39 and I guess his is long over. I have always been very sexual. I enjoy sex and I am good at it. At least I thought I was. However, my marriage is really doing a numberon that part of my self esteem. After over a year of this being a topic I have no choice but to take care of it myself. He keeps saying he is going to "try harder" and "please don't do this". Then that lasts for a week and then it is back to ignoreing my needs and sleeping seperately. I can'timagine spending the rest of my life like this. So, my options are cheat, or wait until my son is done with high school next year and flat out leave. Or maybe both.
Monday, February 11, 2008, 10:43 AM
Hmm....there are a lot of separate topics here to discuss, but there are two I'd specifically like to address.
When I was in college, I took an abnormal psych course, and one of the cases I read about was this problem that the woman just couldn't bring herself to have sex with her husband, that she turned off the minute she was touched. Part of the problem was that it felt like another stressor on top of her already stressful life, just one more thing she had to accomplish, even though she wanted to please her husband. It took some time, but what she and her husband were instructed to do were to start VERY SLOWLY from the beginning. This takes two to unravel, so get the hubby involved in this. For a couple of weeks, just kiss. Nothing more. Even if you want to. Don't do it. Don't feel pressure (your hubby may not be doing it on purpose, but in this case, the woman felt pressured because she already had the enormous guilt of not wanting sex and letting her hubby down). Just simply enjoy, knowing that that's it. After a couple of weeks, then start the caressing, not including the genitals or breasts. Completely off-limits for both of you. Your hubby's going to have to get used to helping himself in this regard, but it's important. Then you can move to the petting, and then finally, to having sex. Boy, that was longer than I wanted it to be.
The other problem I wanted to discuss was all those people sleeping in separate bedrooms. STOP IT IMMEDIATELY. My ex-husband and I started doing this, and we went to see a therapist, and she advised us that we're living parallel lives when we start doing this, which means divorce is on the horizon because you're disengaging from your life with your spouse. Talk to each other. Stop blaming. This is a problem both of you need to deal with together. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, and this could be one of those worse times. If you weren't having problems in the bedroom, would you still love your husband? If the answer is yes, then go see a therapist who can work with you through this time. If the answer is no, then stop fooling yourself and get a divorce.
Monday, February 11, 2008, 11:10 AM
Oh I love my husband. The seperate bedrooms, well, one of the reasons we hit it off so many years ago is because I thought we both suffered from insomnia. Well, actually he just had a different work schedule, I have insomnia. So when his work schedule got to be 9 to 5 he starting sleeping at night. I read, watch TV, clean, iron. I can't do that with him sleeping in the bed. Also, I am regularly so horny (couldn't think of a better descriptive) That when I try to lay next to him I just end up pawing at him and he gets aggravated and leaves the room. So, maybe I love him and he doesn't love me. He says he does, we are very tender towards each other in other ways. Except for the sex.
Monday, February 11, 2008, 12:45 PM
11:10 I like your advice. I get excited just thinking about it. Not sure if my hubby could stop at just the first few things you mentioned, but it sounds a lot less stressful and much more enjoyable to me to go back to that for awhile to rekindle some passion we've lost. Might just give it a try. Thanks!
Monday, February 11, 2008, 1:12 PM
OP, you're welcome. I hope it works for you, as it did the case study couple! And yes, it's going to be hard for the hubby, but he needs to clamp his mouth shut and take care of himself - not trying to be mean, just saying it like it is. If he complains about no touching certain places, how will that make you relax? So copy what's helpful and let him read it for himself. He'll get the good stuff; it'll only be delayed!
12:45, I can see how being an insomniac could be a problem. I have no experience in that, so please forgive my ignorance. My fiance routinely reads in bed while I go to sleep with an eye mask. Your hubby may be like the OP here - maybe he's really stressed, and every time you touch him, he gets more stressed because he's guilty that he's not available to you as much as you'd like...not romantic in the least, I know, and that stinks for you. Hopefully both of you understand that libidos change throughout our lives, and that you can't expect your partner to satisfy you every time (I don't mean YOU, I'm talking generally here). Getting your groove on by yourself, if you catch my drift, is perfectly normal, for him and for you. If you connect in other ways, then make sure to keep doing those things to strengthen your bond. But since sex is really what makes one couple different from another, it is something that should be worked on by both of you. Try easing off of him; tell him that you understand his waning libido, and it's ok to feel that way because you don't have any expectations of him and can take care of yourself. You'd like him to be more involved, but it's ok that he's not (in other words, if you're nagging, cut it out ;). Maybe he could help you, or watch you, while you satisfy yourself. That way, he doesn't feel like he has to be the one and only, thereby easing the guilt/pressure he may feel.
One last thing on this situation - your comment about waiting until the kid's out of the house - if you're waiting just because you think it'll be less disruptive, don't. My parents should've gotten divorced years before, but my mother stayed because she thought it was better for me. BIG mistake. I would've been thrilled had it been just she and I. My dad was a jerk.
Monday, February 11, 2008, 4:32 PM
Oh no, my husband is not a jerk in any way and he and our Son have a fabulous relationship. I would not want to deprive him of that now in his late teenage years. There is no screaming or drama. My son thinks everything is fine as he should.
You are correct in that I am nagging. So I decided to stop that. It isn't helping the situation. Anyway, the OP wanted to know how to be more sexually available to her husband. I am just envious that he can't get enough of her and I wish I were in that position (or any position) with my husband.
Monday, February 11, 2008, 5:42 PM
OP here again
5:42 Believe it or not, I've also been in your situation years ago with another guy. I wanted it SO bad then, and practically threw myself at him, to no avail. Found out later that he was into men, so I guess that explained that situation. However, I think we naturally want what we don't have so when one person's libido decreases, the other one's increases. Maybe we should switch hubby's for awhile! haha (just a joke). Please try to be patient with him though. If he feels anything like me, it's not one bit good. Sex between two interested partners is always better than when someone is putting out because of guilt. Just give him some time. Even with my situation, I'm more likely to show some interest if I feel I have some control. Good luck!
Monday, February 11, 2008, 8:22 PM
11:10 here again:
You know how sometimes something is less interesting to you because you know you can have it whenever you want it? This could be something your hubby is feeling because he knows your libido is stronger than his. Make it unavailable to him. Don't flaunt anything. No babydolls in the house; you can wear sexy underwear that he sees when you change clothes, but that's it. He might not notice for awhile, but it might work to pique his interest that you suddenly aren't available for it whenever he wants it. Just a thought.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008, 2:45 AM
PP and OP. Great advice from both of you. I really love my Husband and I will do whatever it takes to make this work out. I will try the things you suggest and you hang in ther too OP.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008, 9:45 AM
Tuesday, February 12, 2008, 10:14 AM
Good luck to both of you! And if what you try doesn't work, don't give up hope. It may be time to bring in the big guns (as in going to talk to someone about it), which is scary, but can really be helpful, and if you think you're alone, think again!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008, 2:42 AM
I think Time's been listening in on our convo here:
Wednesday, February 13, 2008, 2:22 PM
Very interesting article. Thank you.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008, 3:15 PM
Yes, I read it too. Thanks! Just reiterated what I already knew, but it eased the guilt a little bit!
Now, here's the latest! This group we hang out with is going away to somewhere tropical in a few weeks. Last weekend when we were together we came up with some interesting "dares" of stuff to do while we're away. Each person said something sexual they wanted to try and we all agreed to try EVERYONE'S idea. Should be fun! I'm actually interested! ( I should mention that we're not swinging, these are things we're going to do with our spouses, like risky places, new positions, etc.)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008, 3:59 PM
This is Sex? I need to hang with your crew!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008, 4:39 PM
Yeah, my friends are the best! We hang out together all the time and have SO much fun together. I am really lucky to have them all in my life.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008, 7:05 PM
That is so wonderful. I moved from a beach area to a city area a few years back. It seems the people here are so motivated by money. They ask "What do you do?" before they even ask your name. Don't get me wrong, I have made a few friends since I have been here but it isn't like the old days when I had a crew of girls to run around with. Then again I am older now and everyone I know is married with kids and commitments. I treasure the friends I have made and clearly you treasure yours.
Thursday, February 14, 2008, 10:06 AM
Just read all the comments from the very beginning. I am mid-40's and experienced a drop in my libido a few years ago. I couldn't bear the thought of losing that part of my relationship with my husband. Sex is the thing that reconnects you and restores that bond that gets stretched thin by the stresses of daily living. I found help through using a bio-identical hormone cream. I was also having peri-menopausal symptoms. A wonderful source is www.womentowomen.com. I tried going without the cream just to see if it was really helping and let me tell you, I won't try that again.
Try to remember that sex is driven by emotions for a woman and by the physical for a man. I tell my husband that he has got to touch me sometimes without wanting "it" or I begin to resent his touches. A woman has got to feel emotionally involved in order to be in the mood. When we start slow and let things build, then the physical "want to's" take over for me even if they aren't there to start with.
Even with our wonderful relationship, once a week is about norm for us. It is just too hard to find the time and energy during the work week. But I try not to let the weekend go by without it happening, whether I want it or not, because he gets a LITTLE grumpy if he doesn't have sex at least once a week.
Friday, February 15, 2008, 9:49 AM
Why is it that we feel we "owe it" to our husbands to have sex? I"m just putting this question out there because I thought sex was supposed to be about a union between two people. I'm not feeling very united when I'm just "doing it" to keep him happy. I, personally, would not want anyone to feel they "had" to have sex with me to keep me happy. I mean, shopping makes me happy, but I don't make him do that with me once a week! haha Just a thought...
Friday, February 15, 2008, 10:27 PM
I don't think you should feel like you owe it to your husband, and I doubt most husbands think that it's owed them. I think that most people want to please their spouse because it's nice to see them happy...it's like cooking a favorite meal. If you know he likes salmon, you cook it every so often because you know he'll appreciate it. If you like flowers, perhaps your hubby will get them for you because he knows how much you like them, and he likes the reaction he gets from you. I think in this world, sometimes it starts to feel like a chore, and generally, guys want sex more. It gets hard sometimes to want it as much, or when, he does, and in those instances, it's easy to put pressure on yourself. I really think that's the crux - we put a lot of pressure on ourselves - to be perfect, thin, smart, attractive, and sexy all the time. If we just accept ourselves, perfections and imperfections, and stop listening to the guilt that's nagging us, then we wouldn't feel like sex is something we do just for him. We also do it for us.
Saturday, February 16, 2008, 11:48 AM
The fact of the matter is, if you made vows, to be together and share your lives this means all of your life. Including sex life. If one partner is withholding for what ever reason, then the vows are broken. So, if your wife/husband goes out and gets those needs fulfilled elsewhere that is too bad for you. You don't want to feel like you 'owe' your spouse anything. Then don't be suprised when your spouse decides they don't 'owe' you anything either.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 1:34 PM
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