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my hsuband thinks I'm fat

My husband just admitted to me today that we haven't had sex becauase he doesn't like the looks of me anymore. Should I be hurt? I feel hurt, escpecially since he is overweight and I never think such things about him.

Tue. Feb 19, 3:35pm

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I meant husband. I know how to spell, just for all of you who want to correct it!!! LOL

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 3:39 PM

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I'm sorry to hear that your husband is so hypocritical.
Have you changed your weight / body shape since you met him? Has he?

And the question is not so much "should you" feel hurt, but rather DO you feel hurt? If he loves you he would never have sid it that way.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 3:43 PM

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OP here. When we first met, I was 220 pounds. He told me to lose weight. I did, I got down to 139. He liked my body at around 140-150. Now, I'm at 188. He, too has gained about 40 pounds. But in his words, "Your a woman, you are supposed to be thin". And yes, I am hurt. But I don't know if I should be all that hurt or if I should take his words to heart and really bust by butt to get thin.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:02 PM

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OP here. After re-reading that it makes it sound like I dont' want to lose the weight. I really do want to. But it just makes me feel not so motivated to lose weight when someone else wants me to. I want to do it for myself.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:03 PM

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I agree that he should have said it in a way that would not hurt your feelings.

However I am the type of person that would prefer the truth rather than have him lie to me!

A good question is have you put on a ton of weight since you got married? Men are very visual so it may be hard for him to see you the same way he used to if this is the case. Women are not as visual so I'm sure that's part of why his weight gain doesn't affect your sex drive.

The question you should ask is: are you trying to lose weight? If so it's going to be a slow change and hopefully you are doing everything you can for YOURSELF. Don't lose weight for someone if you are comfortable and healthy the way you are. If you are unhealthy and NEED to lose weight go for it!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:06 PM

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Well, there could be a few other things. Do you take the time to wear nice things to bed? (Negligees, chemises, babydolls, whatever- or flannel PJs?) Do you put effort into looking your best regardless of your weight? Or do you wear oversized clothes trying to hide everything? If you have been doing anything that suggests your ashamed of your body, that doesn't help him like it.

Personally, I would be hurt, but not devasted. I would get to a counsellor. I admit my highest weight was 215 (5'6) and I never had a hard time finding a guy who couldn't keep his hands off of me.

I think any guy who stops sleeping with you because of your weight is a jerk. ESP if he's overweight himself.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:11 PM

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Well, if when you met he told you to lose weight, then you shouldn't be hurt, because you knew he's that concerned with looks. I met a guy I liked, who liked me, but told me I needed to lose 20lbs to date him. I told him I'd never date a guy who said that and told him to get lost. You however married the guy.

So don't be hurt, just lose the weight, and know that your how you look is of SIGNIFICANT importance to your spouse.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:14 PM

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Op if you want to lose the weight, do so for yourself, for your own healthy and happiness.
Like a pp mentioned, if you are hiding behind the baggy clothes then start making some changes in your life. It sounds like you need to get your confidence back, and if you set up a weight loss plan with reward plateaus, such as 10lbs = new make-up, 15 lbs = facial or spa treatment, 20 = new clothes (including lingerie) you will have it back in no time.

Remember it is your body and you are the one who is going to live in it for the rest of your life, make it a great place to live :)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:25 PM

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I think some of these comments have really great advice. I'm impressed. However, I just have to point out that your husband's comment about women "supposed to be thin" is biologically incorrect, and media influenced. Women have curves and carry fat at higher rates than men because they are child bearers. I'm sorry your husband is so ignorant. I hope you lose the weight for yourself as well as for him.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:34 PM

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men are from mars

U know what....don't take it personally.
Ever seen the Michael Basden (sp?) show...or heard him on the radio? men want their women to look as we had when we met...while women look to change the men from how they were to what we want.

Often times we (men & women) say things to the ones closest to us, that isn't loving or nice for that manner...but it's often from a deep down dislike of ourselves more than our partners.

I wouldn't take it too personally, least not as a negative feedback from him; but look at it as an opportunity to change. It wouldn't hurt, less you felt the same about yourself. Truth be told, we cannot expect someone to accept that which we're unwilling to accept....and that includes our bodies.

I had to come to the realization (after my spouse said something quite similar) that I couldn't possibly expect him to love me, if I didn't love me or the 80+ pounds I'd gained over our 10 yr marriage. Sure, I cried over it...but I have since decided that it was well beyond time for me to commit myself to MYSELF (u following my logic?).

U have posted here on PeerTrainer, so I assume you have made a similar commitment....Or at least trying to commit to changing some habits and feel better about being YOU... Kudos.

Don't dwell on his or anyone else's comments, dismays, or negative talk. Girl, it's high time that we women quit comparing ourselves to one another and pull together to lift up one another.
It's also high time we quit looking to another to validate our worth/value and seek deep within.

To thine own heart be true...

Tuesday, February 19, 2008, 4:41 PM

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