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Don't kow how NOT to be overweight

In the last thread I read, someone mentioned this problem as a potential method of self-sabotage.

I once had a psychic reading on my birthday and the woman told me that I wasn't losing and wouldn't lose weight until I dealt with the fact that the attention I receive from men is overwhelming to me. This might sound vain, but i think it was valid!

She didn't know it but I have been the victim of too many inappropriate sexual advances from men since I was very young, even 10 years old. And, I wonder if I maintain 30 lbs of excess because of that? I have a bf and a safe, loving realtionship. Why the mental blockage?

Thu. Jan 26, 2:48pm

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I was that poster from the previous thread and I have all of those issues. I don't know how to overcome this. I too am in a wonderful marriage, and I think I am happy. But a huge part of me holds back on life. I blame my weight, but why can't I really make the change?

What are your thoughts?

Thursday, January 26, 2006, 3:29 PM

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Fat Suit

I kept a fat suit for a long, long time. Somehow it was a test - if men were attracted to me it was for me and not my looks. Of course, it still ended up being for my looks as well--I ended up being a bit fetishized by some men because of my weight and the whole power thing for them that went with that.

I think it helps - if necessary through counselling - to identify what's at the root of your "fat suit." Also helpful would be learning the tools to manage unwanted advances with confidence and strength.

Years ago there was a great book called "Lifescripts" and it was just that - it scripted some of the most difficult discussions we need to have as adults: asking for more money at work, ending a friendship, working through divorce. What they all have in common is that you learn the language, style, tone for these kinds of things. It can be quite empowering learning how to strongly and tactfully say "no" in no uncertain terms.

Good luck.

Thursday, January 26, 2006, 3:41 PM

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Thank for the last poster's comments. I will check it out. Also on the same lines and a little separate from this post is Difficult Conversations by the Harvard Negotiation Project...

I know my bf loves me for me and he tells me he loves my shape, although i know he loved it more minus the 30 lbs from two years ago. Maybe I should try counselling. Anyone else deal with the issue described above and have some advice?

Thursday, January 26, 2006, 4:37 PM

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You have to reach deep and see what's there. I know that sounds vague but I found a LOT of rage. I was molested as a child too, and over the years struggled with men grabbing me inappropriately and never finding the voice to really fight back, only to say no (and shouldn't that be ENOUGH???). But I began to heal when I confronted my family about why they kept it under wraps for so long, and made sure they heard me. I had to face the possibility that some wouldn't speak to me again, but I felt someone had to be accountable for me when I couldn't (age 2-5)! So I found my voice and some true courage, and I'm working my way out of my fat suit.

Thursday, January 26, 2006, 6:38 PM

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to the last poster.....

I think my life has been more affected, not by my abuser, but those that knew it was happening and didn't stand up for me.......just to avoid being uncomfortable.

how is it you feel?

Thursday, January 26, 2006, 7:50 PM

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Oh, yeah, it's always more convenient for the others around, that aren't affected or turn their feelings off and pretend it's not a big deal. I always told myself the "story" over and over through my life like I was detached too, as if it was a story that happened to someone else. But when I got to my mid-twenties and was settling into my life and career, I found myself crying over nothing, crying in the middle of sex with my loving and gentle partner, angry at random times, just everything. Then I started having dreams that I was violently killing my abuser. And I thought, gee, hon, think you're mad? lol
You have to laugh a little...boy did I let him suffer! And I was glad!
But once I confronted my family about it and had a big blow-up (I think my anger scared them more than my crying), it allowed me to make a big step and regain some control in my life. I can't say "heal", because unfortunately, I don't think there is such a thing. It's like losing a loved one- you're never really over it because they're never coming back. And I'll never get over it, but I can learn to reclaim myself and stand up for little 2 year-old through 5 year-old Me, so I can be the adult for myself NOW that no one else was.
Now THAT'S self-love.

Thursday, January 26, 2006, 11:32 PM

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Right on, right on...

In high school I started experiencing some of the same, anger and really a lot more guilt. No one in my family hid it, it was always out there and they fought hard and saved my brother and I from the abuse.

But, what made/makes (?) me mad is that at 2-7, it was a huge deal but later in life 10-14, when men would makes passes at me or try to touch me and my brother (which I learned about only a while ago from him), we could do nothing and not a whole lot was done.

Mom's poor life skills and alcoholism after she divorced and moved away from Hollywood kept us as children and young teens around predators and I feel like she had enough to deal with in life and she doesn't really know about the later abuses. My options are slim, hurt a very broken woman further or keep it in?

Friday, January 27, 2006, 10:57 AM

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To the last poster,

You forgot to mention a third option, talk it out with someone other than your Mom. Keeping something like what you've gone through in is obviously a really bad idea and leads to all sorts of health issues but understandably you feel bad about talking about it to your mother. Have you looked for support groups?? You need to get it out...not necessarily to her but out in general to people who will understand. I'm in Canada and "luckily" due to certain circumstances I can access a psychiatrist and therapists with no problem or cost but all the support groups I've heard of have been free, all you need to do is spend the time. They can be hard to go to but seeing that look in someone's eyes when they know EXACTLY how you feel can be sooo helpful at times.

Please to everyone in this post...I know everyone originally came to Peertrainer to take better care of their bodies but don't forget to take care of your mind and soul as well. cheesy annoucement is over.

Friday, January 27, 2006, 11:09 AM

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to poster: Thursday, January 26, 2006, 6:38 PM

i don't know if you still read this thread or not but I am giving you a standing ovation! What courage to go to your family. I was molested as well. My family felt it was shameful. My mother was abused as well but her abuse was far worse than least that is what she told me. nothing I could have done would ever be as bad as her.

I am going through the book "The Courage to Heal" and it is helping me deal with the deep, confusing and complex emotions that I struggle with. The "fat suit" is my protection. It keeps the 6yearold girl who was abused safe & warm and secure.
Its as scary as hell to remember & deal with the past. But its so worth it. To have emotional freedom.

Thursday, September 06, 2007, 2:53 PM

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to poster: Thursday, January 26, 2006, 11:32 PM

wow! you sounds just like me. i haven't had the courage to confront my family. I don't if I ever can...but I admore you nonetheless.


Thursday, September 06, 2007, 2:55 PM

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