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what do you and your husband fight about?
We've been fighting more than usual lately and I'd like to "compare" it to other marriages out there to just see. How do you stop the fighting cycle?
Thu. Mar 13, 4:54pm
I hate to say it, but my husband and I never fight, and before someone jumps all over me and says that is impossible, that one of us must be compromising or stifling the anger, we are not. Now if we have a difference of opinions we talk about it and reach an agreement. We both have been in very volatile past relationships and have come to understand that soemtimes what you used to get upset about was completely stupid.
Our perspecive is that is this point really worth upseting the one you love?
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 5:01 PM
my husband and i don't fight either. we talk all the time, constant communication. if there's something that annoys us or we disagree on, we talk about it before it can turn into a ridiculous argument. we frequently take 4 hour drives home to our hometown to visit our families and we rarely turn on the radio, we talk the whole time about everything. it's all about communicating. in the 8.5 years we've been married, i can't think of one fight we've had.
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 5:06 PM
We fight about:
1) when he speaks to me in a short or impatient way.
2) I am ashamed to admit, I get jealous. He was very flirty when we started dating, he isn't now, but women still throw themselves at him! I get annoyed with him. I know, not totally rational......
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 5:19 PM
LOVE & RESPECT
try the book Love and Respect it is awesome, my wife and I are using it in a small group...
basically it says that women more want to feel and be shown love from their spouse and husbands more want to feel respected, but that is not natural for the other to show since they are a different gender, so you have to work at it
My wife and I fight when I am not being loving and or she is not being respectful, definitely true...
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 5:24 PM
We rarely (if ever) fight either. Been together for 7 years now and I can't believe how easy the years have been. We talk all the time, have lunch every day, eat dinner together and date night once a week. We just communicate really well - which means both knowing what and how much to say and when to just listen. We are both problem-solvers too which I think helps. If we don't agree - it's not a personal attack, it's because there's a difference in priorities, understanding, etc. He is always putting my needs first and vice versa - we really try to be considerate of the other in all things. We don't take out our frustrations of the day on each other, and we also make sure we cuddle and keep things going in the bedroom even if we are so busy we have to put it on the calendar. I think these things help a lot.
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 6:05 PM
My husband and I usually fight about really stupid things that get blown out of proportion. However they don't last long and while they are sometimes loud, they aren't abusive at all. We laugh right after usually when we realize we're both being ridiculous. We're both pretty impatient and somewhat volitile. =)
For example: he usually makes dinner and I help him by chopping veggies, cleaning up after him, doing dishes as we go, etc. Last night I was cooking and he went into the living room to play video games. So I said: aren't you going to help me like I help you? That turned into a fight about who does what around the house and who thanks who for doing what!!! It was about 5 minutes long and that was it, we laughed and kissed and made up immediately.
So no big deal really. Sometimes we bicker about money but it's usually just a miscommunication or something. We've been together 5 years
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 6:12 PM
My wife is sensitive and hot tempered but I tend to be rational and cold, so that is why we fight hard sometimes, I don't show that I care and she flips out about something I see as small. Sounds inaccurate, but she does start every fight, but I guess I cause it? At least I tend to finish them well...
Who are these perfect people who never fight?? Do you have no stress, no money problems, no lack of sleep, no kids, and both have perfect personalities or are you just lucky to be and have found someone who is even-tempered?
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 6:24 PM
Seriously, I wnt to know who these people are too who don't fight. Bpno stress? Or is there no passion? Or am I the clueless one, and there is such a thing as lots of stress and a marriage with no fights.
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 8:02 PM
yeah, the people who don't fight- they are just weird. Like the kind of people who listen to Michael Bolton without a trace of irony.
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 8:02 PM
My husband and I don't really fight, but we stop speaking to one another. Sometimes it can last for days! It doesn't happen very often, and much less so than in our first years of marriage, but it was emotionally draining to be so stubborn in our stand-offs. Now that we have kids, we are forced out of our silences when they occur just because we have to communicate to be a family. However, to answer your original question, what we fight about is usually a difference of opinion that gets heated. I find this time of year is always testy for us because we're tired, Vitamin D deficient, and work is more stressful. Usually once spring arrives, things are less "touchy". My husband is allergic to conflict, and I'd rather hash things out, so that's usually what starts the silent treatment we resort to on occasion.
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 8:19 PM
Hmmm...well we don't fight. If that makes us weird, okay! We get irked at each other, but when that happens and it gets expressed - we know how to see where the other person is coming from (as opposed to becoming defensive), and that pretty much diffuses it. And if one person was in the wrong, we don't have a problem with apologizing without trying to justify. I think fights often happen b/c each person is fighting to be right. We're not right-fighters.
We're also on the same team. By that I mean, we look out for each other, we see the best in each other, and we're on the same page with child-rearing, money, etc. I don't see us as perfect - far from it. And we had our share of drama in our 20's, we're just much more grown up as we approach our 40's and we are very happy!
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 9:54 PM
What are you fighting about, OP? And it's not the surface stuff you're fighting about - what's behind it? Figure that out, be willing to see where you fit into the whole cycle, and you've got your start to breaking the cycle. You can only change yourself - you can't change him, but if you change how you interact with him things will change.
Ultimately, don't compare yourselves to others!
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 9:58 PM
Very interesting that those who fight attack those who don't and call them 'wierd' :-) Feeling a little defensive?
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 11:53 PM
Just very happy, and yes after many years of hunting and previous failed marriages, we have found "the one". The key is communication, and FRIENDSHIP, and yes there are things that irk me about my husband, he sometimes chews very loud with his mouth open, but why am I going to freak on him for a habit that annoys me? It is MY issues not his.
For those that have asked, we are very fortunate, no kids, and a stable financial enviroment, so that takes some of the stress away. As for passion hmm ....well we get funky at least 5x week.
Again - communication, respect, honesty, friendship.
Friday, March 14, 2008, 10:26 AM
i'm the second poster, and we don't listen to michael bolton and we have a TON of passion. our passion just doesn't revolve around arguments. we have good communication skills, what's weird about that?
Friday, March 14, 2008, 10:51 AM
ooooo I forget to mention TRUST. That is a big one.
Friday, March 14, 2008, 11:01 AM
OP - I guess it does matter what you are fighting about.
I have a spouse that goes away a lot sometimes for up to 6months so a lot of times are fights aren't really about what we are saying.
I've realized that I'm fighting because I am trying to adjust to him gone and then adjust to him being home again.
When he's home our fights tend to be trivial about who did what chores - so I think the root of that is each of us needing to feel connected to each other and appreciated. Or usually I find the fighting is ok because it leads us to talking about what's really going on and how we're feeling.
I tend to not be good at saying how I am actually feeling but snap at him instead. Hope that helps.
What i hate is having the same fight over and over.
Friday, March 14, 2008, 11:37 AM
Also I think there might be a difference of opinion as to what is considred a "fight". One poster said her husband "irks" her and they discuss it and move on. Some of us might consider that a fight, some of us might not. Some might only consider it a "fight" if voices are raised, etc. So I'm sure every couple has heated discussions and disagreements but everyone handles it differently. But those disagreements could be considered a fight in my opinion!
Friday, March 14, 2008, 5:59 PM
I agree with the last poster. My wife and I have never had a fight either until you put that factor into play. I love her and respect her and I might need to take a walk so that I don't raise my voice to the mother of my children and keeper of the house. When I get upset I simply think of all the things she does and I can't stay upset over anything. I guess I'm so grateful. To me, getting my wife was like winning a prize. We've been married nearly 4 yrs. and I can't believe how quickly the time has passed.
Saturday, March 15, 2008, 12:13 AM
stop fighting with your husband.
My husband and I fight about stupid things and he is the one who starts the fights. He knows I'm hot tempored and sensitive and does it anyway. He tells me to leave and when I do he comes after me. I feel like he doesn't love me and doesn't care about me. And now I'm going through a medical condition that I need surgery to remove he knows about it and still fights with me.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008, 2:23 PM
The one poster said some might consider being 'irked' a fight. If that's the case - whew! That's really a tough standard! People can have disagreements, even BIG disagreements and not fight about it. Your spouse can totally annoy you and you voice it, but it doesn't have to be a fight. Takes a lot of maturity, but it can be done. It takes two people to fight - one can pick, poke and prod, but if the other person doesn't bite - no fight.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008, 2:32 PM
My wife starts every fight we have (b/c I apparently don't show enough love and support) and yells and swears and even throws stuff - she made our 15 month old burst into tears twice this month b/c he was freaked out by it - WHAT DO I DO ? ?
I could hit her of course - but I would never - I argue rationally and try to be sensitive - but this has to stop!
Wednesday, April 09, 2008, 2:42 PM
My husband and I have definitely had arguments, but they're always about someone being snippy or on edge and something gets misunderstood. We'll have a few oh so righteous things to say to each other and then a bit of silence. Eventually, one of us comes to the other, we talk, and it's done. I think that's one of the keys....neither of us is too proud to say we're sorry or to be the first to talk. I also think many little arguments can be avoided by picking and choosing your battles. I bite my tongue a lot because it's just not worth having a fight over.
And I kind of consider us one of those couples that doesn't fight....the above may happen 2-3 times a year. I listen to friends complain about their marriages and how their spouses are useless and mean, and I try to go along and agree because I don't want to be one of those "rub it in, super happy" kind of people. I had a really crappy first marriage, I'm not going to spoil this one with pettiness.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008, 2:56 PM
Don't fight! Give me a fucking break.....
We didn't used to fight much either because I'm a yeller and he's a quiet introvert that just takes it. But lately it's been hell. One of my friends believes that it's the position of the stars....
1. Advancement in career (not advancing at all)
2. Unhealthy habits (alcohol use...even drug use)
3. Loss of sense of security for me...from certain events
4. Lack of goals for the future or desire for anything greater than what we have now
5. Generally unmotivated and happy with it
Wednesday, April 09, 2008, 4:48 PM
2:56 - my friends do the same thing about their husbands and I find myself without a thing to say. I just feel lucky that I don't feel like I have anything to complain about! If nothing else, I feel a sense of loyalty to him so I wouldn't want to make him look bad to others (and I wouldn't want him bitching about me to his friends!) I agree - pick your battles, bite your tongue when it really doesn't matter, don't be too proud, etc.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008, 5:07 PM
My husband and I have been married almost 17 years and we rarley fight. No, that was not always the case but through the years we found better ways to communicate and treat each other. Respect is huge. My husabnd is much more laid back than me, I can hold a grudge forever but he always tried to make me laugh it out with him instead of fight. Irritating to me at first but we worked past that.
Although I've said we rarely fight I will say stress from outside situations does have something to do with it. We took a vacation last week that ended up being more of hell week than anything else and during that trip we DID fight. Our friends who went with us always said how they envied how we got along, well this past week they saw another side of us. Fortunately, that's not how we usually are but in this case NOTHING was going right. The stress of the extra money we had to spend because of certain circumstances, the wasted vacation time, etc all took it's toll and I snapped at him several times and his patience with me wore thin as well. Unfortunately, what our friends didn't hear was when we admitted to each other that we had screwed up and apologized. I said things I shouldn't have (kind of blaming him for the bad vacation and made him feel horrible) well it wasn't his fault, I was just mad. So I sucked it up and apologized because he is the man I love and respect and it was the right thing to do. The last night of our trip he and I fought big time. This time he apologized to me. It's totally a give and take!
Wednesday, April 09, 2008, 6:18 PM
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