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Is it possible to increase my husbands sex drive?
He's kind of a low energy guy, I knew this when I married him and once a week was enough for me. Now as I enter my 40's and am leading a healthier lifestyle, I find that my drive has increased and I am needing so much more than he can give. I have tried really spicing up my technique to no effect on him.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to make him want me more often? It's not lack of desire, he does find me attractive sexually, he just is happy with once a week and I'm ready every couple of days at least.
Is it normal for a guy to only want sex weekly? I'm so frustrated.
Sat. Mar 22, 1:55pm
Even guys have variations in their sex drive. That could be the case with him, assuming he doesn't have some underlying medical (low testosterone) or psychological (depression) issue. Has he been checked by a doctor? I
s he unhealthy? Have an unhealthy lifestyle? Overweight? If so, even then all you can do is lead by example and hope he gets inspired along the way.
If none of those are issues - I don't know that there's anything you can do (have you asked him?) I imagine it must be frustrating for the partner who wants more than the other.
Saturday, March 22, 2008, 2:01 PM
Could it be that since you're getting healthier and maybe looking better that he's feeling a little self conscious? It's typically thought of that women get all body image conscious when it's time to get nekked, but men can be just as susceptible. When you don't feel attractive (and even when someone tells you are, it doesn't always convince you) the last thing you fee like doing is putting it out there for someone to see.
And if you're still doing it once a week, that's still pretty good. I hear from friends who have the mentality of "The month's up already????" Good for you!!!!
Saturday, March 22, 2008, 2:23 PM
from what I have been reading, this might (might) indicate an overall vascular issue. The penis is a pump, and when your blood is not flowing right- it does not flow right. Hence the need for viagra etc. But when your heart is moving the blood around properly, this should not be an issue. So it may be that your husband needs to make some changes to his diet. If this is really not the issue, and he eats lots of fruits and vegetables, doesn't drink much, gets sleep, exercises-- then the issue lies elsewhere obviously.
Saturday, March 22, 2008, 2:24 PM
OP here, thanks for your responses.
He is not overweight, maybe a little pudgy around the belly but really not much. He is eating quite alot better than he used to as I am preparing most of his food and trying to get the whole family healthier as a whole. He is not very active at all and does no exercise, he has an office job and is on the computer mostly on the weekends. He seems to tire easily. He has regular physicals and there seems to be no health issues.
When I try to initiate sex more frequently he will make it clear he's too tired. I never thought about him having 'body issues', I thought it was more a girl thing but thats something worth bearing in mind.
Holy cow! Once a month, I would go out of my mind, lol.
Maybe I can try to get him more active by planning hikes etc on the weekend, maybe that might increase his energy in the bedroom. Thanks for listening to my vent.
Saturday, March 22, 2008, 2:38 PM
hate to admit it...been there
Keep in mind every step of the way, it is not you. Your self esteem is probably better than mine since it sounds like you are already cool with that. The difficult balance when married, is to approach it without one feeling pressured, and the other rejected. I think since you are the one in need, try to get creative and think back to what has moved him in the past. More spontaneous? Lingerie on your new fit body? Music that inspires him? Ultimately I found that unplanned time together enjoying whatever you have in common (usually not TV) or just talking a lot without the married habit of correcting, rigid old ideas and better listening has always increased sex in my relationships. Unfortunately the best sex was always on my way out the door! Something about them finally realizing that I was really going since they had completely given up :(
good luck with this one.
Saturday, March 22, 2008, 3:06 PM
Yes my self esteem within this relationship is very good. I have never been made to feel unattractive or unloved or had any reason to believe that my husband has looked elsewere. Within myself though, thats a whole other matter. I have lost a whole lot of weight but could stand to lose quite a bit more and I don't like him looking at me naked, maybe I need to get over that and give him more visuals. I prefer sex with the light off or low, maybe this is an issue, something I hadn't thought about.
Great ideas, thank you!
Saturday, March 22, 2008, 3:28 PM
Perhaps getting into shape will give him some energy. Being out of shape and never exercising pretty much guarantees fatigue at the end of the day!
Saturday, March 22, 2008, 7:06 PM
I'm sure you are right, thank you!
Saturday, March 22, 2008, 11:48 PM
I feel your pain. My husband is 57. I am lucky if we get together once a month. It is so hard. He has no energy at night and we are both really busy. Other tthen sex, he is a wonderful husband. Whats a woman to do?
Sunday, March 23, 2008, 3:30 AM
i agree with the no tv thing... we don't have cable (i used to be a tv addict) and now we find other things to do :) which includes lots of talking, working on the house together, reading and cuddling. the foreplay is the time we spend focused on each other with our clothes on which leads to a wonderful sex life (which i didn't have with my ex).
Sunday, March 23, 2008, 10:33 AM
This may be too simple, but, have you tried dropping hints earlier in the day, etc., that'll make him think about it all day? That might keep him in the zone of "let's do it," rather than "I want to veg out on the couch." I know once my husband and I lay down on the couch, it's not going to happen that night. And if one of us tries to start something around bedtime, the other is usually too tired. But if we're both thinking about it all day, it's a lot more likely that it'll happen!
You could try sending him naughty e-mails/text messages during the day, or slipping a note into his lunch or pocket, or into his car, etc.
Monday, March 24, 2008, 2:59 PM
My advise - talk to him...see what's up. Maybe it's something you both can work at together.
Monday, March 24, 2008, 7:34 PM
Op here, those are great ideas.
On the subject of tv, we don't have cable either but we do have a tv in our bedroom that I think was impeding our love life. He is a tv addict and would watch tv in bed till late, I talked to him about taking the tv out of the bedroom but he was really against it. We did compromise on turning the tv off every night at 10pm, no exeptions and that has really gone a long way to helping things along.
Baby steps lol
Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 2:48 PM
Just the way he is...?
Dont worry, my boyfriend is 20 and we have sex usually once a week. I want it more often but he is generally happy with once a week. He is fairly healthy, active through work and emotionally stable. His problem is that by the time he gets home from a days work on his feet for 9 or 10 hours, he is just tired PLUS he has a lower sex drive over all (thats just how he is). I on the other hand work long days too but I have troubles sleeping and I dont nod off as easily as he does... but he does suprise me once in a while with multiple times in one night or a couple times a week... just depends on how he feels. I wouldn't go straight to blaming his lack of physical activity or a TV in the bedroom, maybe thats just the way he is.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 2:23 AM
When your affection is affective the claret about properly, this should not be an issue. So it may be that your bedmate needs to accomplish some changes to his diet. If this is absolutely not the issue, and he eats lots of fruits and vegetables, doesn't alcohol much, gets sleep, exercises
again the affair lies abroad obviously.
Thursday, August 26, 2010, 8:00 AM
sometimes low sex drive or impotence could signfiy heart trouble. It's a good idea to get him to go to the doctor. Stress and eating poorly is also a killer combination to kill the sex drive. Go see a sexy movie and do it afterwards. Don't keep begging for it. Just create experiences where he is relaxed and happy and don't go out for a big dinner! The only thing he will want to do is turn over and go to sleep!
Saturday, August 28, 2010, 8:33 AM
I am in the same situation OP and I feel your pain. I am 41 and my dh is 46, we are both on very different pages but I tell him, "I am grumpy because I would like to have sex, when can you arrange it?" He usually responds within a day or two. It is either that or have me grumpy lol. I think it is amazing how having sex can change your attitude and make you feel closer. I like to spice things up too but he doesn't, that sucks also but at least I get it every now and then.....
Sunday, August 29, 2010, 2:56 AM
husband: low sex drive
What a relief to know that I am not alone. I have been married almost fifteen years and this has been an ongoing issue through out. My husband who was very physically fit when we married has never been able to have multiple orgasms. Every couple of weeks to monthly is his speed. I use to blame myself for not being pretty enough, but now that I am older and have had multiple children, some of my stretch marks, I consider to be the battle scars of pregnancy and have no body image issues as a result. I think my husbands testosterone is low. I know that he has been frustrated over his sexual performance, but that is because of my frustration not because he inherently misses it. We do love each other, but sometimes a girl just wants sex.
Sunday, August 29, 2010, 9:20 AM
I have been married 21 years and I made my husband see the doctor. He was on a medication that took his sex drive away. He had the doctor switch his medicine and it is much better now. Also there is a natural suppliment that helps as well
Sunday, August 29, 2010, 3:28 PM
siberian ginseng- called eulothora or something in the US.
It works, really well....
"A 2002 study by the Southern Illinois University School of Medicine (published in the annals of the New York Academy of Sciences) found that in laboratory animals, both Asian and American forms of Ginseng enhance libido and copulatory performance. These effects of ginseng may not be due to changes in hormone secretion, but to direct effects of Ginseng or its ginsenoside components on the central nervous system and gonadal tissues. In males, ginsenosides can facilitate penile erection. This is consistent with traditional Chinese medicine and Korean medicine medicinal uses of ginseng."
Saturday, September 25, 2010, 6:24 PM
I know what you mean except im a newly wed !
I have been married just over 4 months and i am lucky to get it once a month.
My husband is 20 years old, goes to the gym regularly(5 or 6 times a week), he has never touched steroids, almost never drinks alcohol, and is not ashamed of how he looks. He is athletic. He eats alot of fried foods and carbs, but he burns all of it off when he spends 1 1/2 to 3 hours at the gym almost everyday of the week.
I've tried lingerie, dropping hints, and being staight forward with him by simply asking why we don't. He brushed it off and didn't give a straight answer. As far as the tv, he is an xbox fan, so he does that all evening and theres no stopping him.
I know what you mean when. Its fustrating.
Friday, November 05, 2010, 10:29 AM
Have you thought of suggesting / trying sex in the morning? Even if it doesn't work Monday-Friday, it might be possible on Saturdays and Sundays. I know that I am usually totally exhausted at night, with no energy for anything; as a result, my husband and I usually have sex/make love on weekend mornings. If we're lucky, we then sleep for a bit more, then start the day.
Friday, November 05, 2010, 3:07 PM
Yes, try to take away some of his stress. The best way to do that sometimes is also an old fashioned, well, you know.
Saturday, November 06, 2010, 10:35 AM
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Saturday, February 12, 2011, 10:32 PM
Not sure if this has been stated yet but probably has. You say that he is pretty healthy but has he been checked for diabetes? The chances are he does not have it but I know my drive dropped dramatically when I became diabetic. Also, self esteem is huge for us men. Not in a conceded sense but in a more "feeling useful and accomplished" sense. I'm not sure if it is just my own paranoia but if I'm not accomplishing something or reminded how well I do something I get a bit depressed as though everyone is looking down on me and therefore my drive is greatly diminished. On the other hand, when I feel like I have accomplished something I yearn for it. May sound weird but that is me.
Thursday, July 21, 2011, 4:43 PM
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Wednesday, March 05, 2014, 9:15 AM
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Husband says it takes months for the body to adjust to the new conditions (no artficial testosterone). This makes the situation very frustrating given that we are newly weds. When we dated we had sex often. He is in his 40's, I am in my 30's. It's been a few months since we haven't had sex except for once a week or less when I insist and it feels like making love to a dildo. He rejects me until I manage to make his penis hard with a hand job.
I was understanding with some moments of frustration and some fights here and there, but last night he saw some half-naked girls on TV and stared at them almost with an open mouth. I understand that admiring beauty has nothing to do with desire to have sex, but it hurt me. I have a great body (my gym trainer says I am smoking hot) and he never looks at me when I undress. I know it's because of this steroid problem and I did tolerate that, but today when he told me to put clothes on (this is not the first time), because I was walking around in my panties and bra (I put the tanning lotion on so I didn't want to dirty my clothes until it dried up), I really got pissed and asked him why he never looks at me and suggests that I dress up, but looks at other girls' bodies. He said he has seen my body many times.
Well I have seen his body many times too and still watch him when he is naked, and he is not even hot (I still love him and desire him, not saying he's bad, but he is too skinny).
He got mad at me today and I approcahed him and said: "Why is it so hard to understand that if you don't look at me, it hurts me to see that you're looking at other women's bodies?" But he was just mad at me.
Otherwise he's the best person I've ever met, we don't have any other problems except sex. He never yells or disresepcts me in any aspect.
How should I feel? What should I say or do?
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