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A Polite Letter To My Boobs...
I just wanted to let you know how I really appriciate you being around. I really like you guys! Here's the thing. Lately I've been noticing that you're, well...shrinking! I know I've been working out and losing weight. It feels great and all, but I think you've done your fair share of getting smaller. You should really let my Butt have a chance to get smaller. There you guys are, sitting lighter and lighter, while big old butt continues to do the chunky monkey. So anyway, I just thought it would be very gracious of you to take a rest and let dear old butt step up to the plate for a while, if you don't mind.
Thanks for listening, Boobs! And remember, we're all part of the same team!
Thu. Apr 17, 11:04am
Seriously? YOU shrunk a size?? I appreciate the effort, but honestly, you know how I hate shoe shopping so you are doing nothing but causing me problems. I had no problems with the size you were before, please keep all the carbs you want...to get back to your original fattiness...feel free to take them from my midsection.
PS Sorry about the blisters yesterday...
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 11:18 AM
Dear Thigh Cellulite,
I do a million lunges a day and still you persist! Let's face it, things with us haven't been good in quite a while. I don't want you to blame yourself; Pizza Hut and Chinese take-out had a lot to do with it. Regardless, you aren't attractive and I need a break. If you could kindly pack up your stuff and get out, me and the rest of team would be a lot better off.
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 11:37 AM
Stretch marks, I know many women regard you as a badge of courage for bringing children into the world and dont get me wrong, my children are a blessing but Can you find a way to disappear??? I mean come on, I can improve and reshape every part of my body but there you are in all your glory all stretchy and shiney. It is just not fair to have you around anymore, I dont deserve you! I have worked to hard to hide myself in a 1 peice swimsuite because of you!! So if you will not go on your own, I shall be forced to remove you. Consider this your first warning! Thank you kindly, Me
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 12:06 PM
While I am glad you support the weight of my torso I would appreciate it if this summer you would try not to rub together. Our Butt is a little upset because all that rubbing together causes my shorts to ride up our crack. Thighs, lets face it you can't be happy rubbing together. I have to keep you baby powdered when I wear skirts or else you chaff. Nobody likes that.
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 12:12 PM
A Letter to Cease and Desist:
Dear Baby Belly,
This is to inform you that I do not appreciate your attention seeking behavior any longer. The rest of the body has obliged by getting smaller, but your determination is wearing on my nerves. You have managed to make yourself look even bigger because of the hard work done by the rest of your bodily friends. The upper abs do not take kindly to the fact that they have gotten tighter and you are just hanging there like a fanny pack. The lower pubic region does not like being referred to as a "gunt". And as PP mentioned, no one finds your outlandish stretch marks appealing. Stripes are SO last year!!! Get your act together or you're going under the knife!!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 12:14 PM
Oposing side of OP's Letter
Ok girls, it's time we had a talk. Betty, Veronica, you are larger than life!! I need you to shrink some already. I'm starting to get my own confidence, and I don't need you in the way of my happiness. Also, I don't know if you realize this, but all the hard work I've been doing, you girls are hurting me terribly!!! The bras I have found just don't seem to keep you in place while I work on me. Don't you two realize the pain too??? I'd really appreciate it if you stepped back. If not, once I have regained full confidence in myself I will make an executive decision. You will be phased to a smaller size. You can either go willingly and make this easier on all, or you can keep ticking me off and face the consequences.
Your owner and decision maker,
P.S. the guys that notice you all the time...most of them are jerks. You two are way too big and keep attracting the wrong kind of attention.
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 12:24 PM
Clearly all my hard work is doing nothing, you are still heading south. I believe you would be much more comfy if you headed north again, not to mention the nice cool air flow the northern region has. I do not appreciate the fact that you are forcing me to seriously think about having my hills and valleys sculpted. So lets just be friends again and rise up, come visit the north again. Stand tall and proud and lets show the world how beautiful you all could be again. And if not maybe we could find comfortable ground and meet in the middle.
Love you, miss you, hope to see you soon - Me
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 12:29 PM
LMAO....this is priceless...thanks for the chuckle!!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 1:03 PM
Thanks for the laughs! I don't remember the last time I laughed until I cried!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 1:14 PM
Dear Body Fat,
Please consider this letter as your official eviction notice. I don't feel this living arrangement we have is working out. Please pack your bags and vacate the premises. If you put up any kind of fight, drastic measures will be taken. I think the skinny lady next door has a vacancy!!
Thanks for the memories,
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 1:18 PM
Dear Extra Skin ....
You once covered a larger area and now your're not. Get a grip! Tighten up or ship out dammit!
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 3:29 PM
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 4:20 PM
I wish we could go back to the way we were 6 years ago. Remember how good we felt? How good we looked? I know I messed up and started being less active with you and filled you full of empty calories. I am sorry. We have new occupants that if we work together we can get rid of. I no longer care for Thunder Thighs, Excessive Fat, or Baby Belly. We could be happy again... we just need to work together.
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 4:28 PM
What's going on? I've been good to you. I've been working out every day. I've stopped eating junk food. I drink water. Heck I've stayed under a very nice calorie limit too. So why aren't you getting thinner? The scale says you've gained two pounds and the tape measure says you're exactly the same size. I know some people say that constancy is a good trait but really, in this case, it isn't. It's time to change sweetie. Change is good.
a concerned inhabitant
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 6:02 PM
1:18 - you win my vote!
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 6:33 PM
if only I could LMAO! That would be much easier than dieting and exercising!
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 7:34 PM
Thanks so much for the laughter. I needed that! And what a great little workout for the abs.
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 7:40 PM
Dear tummy flap and casaerian zipper:
I know you are there since the baby. I know the Zipper is there to stay. But Flap, you must go. As I get smaller, you seem to get flappier. My friend calls you her apron. I tighten, but you don't. Why? Can't you tighten too? You are starting to show in my tight jeans as a weird little thing that pooches out in a funny spot near my ... I see other women who have lost a lot and they have you too. Give it up! You are no fun and not wanted. Soon, I will have to cut you loose.
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 9:25 PM
Dear Arm Fat
I'm sorry to inform you that you are no longer wanted. Though you were never wanted here in the first place and you sneakily snuck on with Boobs, you have never been such a problem until now. The Muscles have been slowly growing under you, and your refusal to vacate the premises have made Arm look bigger. Arm can just barely squeeze into Sleeves and she is getting angry at being stretched. Do everyone a favor and please just leave before you irritate the rest of the inhabitants of this body.
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 9:45 PM
Was that really you I saw in the mirror at the gym this morning? Maybe it was the morning sunlight, but I think *you* had something to do with the symmetrical shadows on your downstairs neighbors, Cheeks. We're not sure though, because you've been absent for 15 years and our memory of what you look like is a little hazy.
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 11:35 PM
dear hips I know some people like to be curvy and I am one of them, but its time the curves You have for me get more proportioned with my body.. no more pizza for You for awhile.. consider yourself grounded untill you release the weight Your holding me down with.. No junk food for You.. its time to get moving!! you have no choice.
Thursday, April 17, 2008, 11:52 PM
A dear John to my cellulite
My dreaded cellulite,
YOU SUCK! Now, I know that I led you on, with my Snickers bars, McD days, and salt and vinegar potato chips. That was my fault; I ws in a bad place, a place called Denial. But those days are over for me; I no longer wish to live in a world of fat, fear, and jiggles. Please, please quit clinging to my legs - it really is pathetic and you've just gotta learn to let go. These thighs are mine. I'm working hard to get them back, and you're messing everything up! Dimples are cute on baby cheeks, but NOT a womans butt.
Please leave. Thank you in advance,
Friday, April 18, 2008, 2:06 AM
I have struggled with ways to break it to you as gently as I can. You have been a "huge" part of my life, helping me train for track and field in high school, and holding me up on all the those skiing trips. Lately it just seems that well.... you have become a little domineering. I mean I still like you, haven't we had great times during belly dancing classes, and wiggling our way out onto the dance floor, its just that you seem to take over just a bit too much. So I propose we work on some personality training courses, just a few to help you slim your outgoing nature down just a bit.
I still love you and want you to be a part of my life, and with these few small changes I think we can make this work. My size 6 jeans really miss you too and are rooting for you aswell.
We will get back to where we were before, I know we will, we are far too important to each other not to do so.
With lots of love,
Friday, April 18, 2008, 8:45 AM
A letter to my Baby Belly,
What 12:14 said.
Regards, you're otherwise in-shape owner
Friday, April 18, 2008, 9:14 AM
To Whom May Be Jiggly (yes, I'm talking to you butt)
After years of consideration and keeping you on, I am putting you on probation. Your style of not keeping up with the legs, abs and arms, shows me you're not a team player. We're all working together here to accomplish our mission: weight loss and health. Legs have spoken to me on several occasions that they are picking up your slack, literally. I am sure you are aware of my policy regarding excess baggage--I have a zero tolerance policy.
This letter is to inform you that you have been given 90 days to shape up. I even have a plan as you are an "asset" to me. You will get your butt (or my butt) on the cardio machines at least 4 days a week for 30 minutes. I also insist you continue walking and biking on the weekends.
If you have any questions or do not understand, you may speak with me directly. If you don't want to comply, you can stick it (and you know where).
Thank you for your time.
Friday, April 18, 2008, 9:28 AM
I understand that you need to be fed a ridiculous amount of food to be satisfied, but you have to realize that you are making me sick!! It's kind of hard to look super hott when everytime you see a cheeseburger you go for it! And whats with the growling huh?? If your that upset then you really have issues. Seriously...leave me a lone...this is your last warning. Next time this happens you will suffer severe consequences! I mean it!!
Friday, April 18, 2008, 4:02 PM
Dear Gluteus Maximus...
I realize that in the course of our time together our relationship has been a pleasant one. Even at my heaviest you supported me and never became a burden. And now that I am taking care of myself you are leaving me. It was not my desire to get rid of you altogether...no! Rather I hoped our relationship would become tighter, firmer, and more friendly. I wanted to introduce you to the world of bikinis and shorts. Instead I don't see much of you anymore and I think it's a pity - for your subtle curves round out my jeans nicely and make pencil skirts that much more fabulous.
My plea to you is not to abandon me!! Please don't leave me, I am not sure what I would do without you!
Desperately missing you....
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 6:37 AM
It's been a year since the first post. Was just curious if everyone else still has those unwanted occupants. Or is it just me?
Friday, April 24, 2009, 1:59 PM
I know that you're hurt and afraid of change, but it's time to get over your past and your built-in behaviours and change your life, once and for all. I know that you don't know better, but you can't cower in your corner for the rest of your life. We're only 23 years old, and will not continue with this kind of life past our mid-twenties. This stops here.
Your body (who wants to be healthy & confident)
Friday, April 24, 2009, 4:06 PM
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