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My relationship is falling apart!
I think in the next few weeks me and my partner are going to split. We have been togetr two years and everything was great until recently. We have started arguing over things but never seem to understand each others point of view. WE suddenly seem to have different priorities in life, mine being my son and his is doing what he feels like i.e. going out even if we either have enough fo him to go out with his mates or to take my son out.
I dont know what to do as i really love him and really dont want to be without him but i can only see things getting worse at the moment.
Tue. May 13, 1:50pm
Your probably not going to like this answer, but you only have three priorities in life right now. 1) your son and 2) the well being of your son. 3) you.
Do you really want your son to grow up in a house where everyone argues all the time? You need to teach him that being alone is ok, in fact, it's better than being with someone when you're miserable. You need to teach him it's not ok to treat his future wife or girlfriend that way.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 2:07 PM
I am sorry hon, its never easy.
Since there isn't a lot of information on your post, I am not sure who is changing, but its time to just chill and take care of you and your boy. The rest will fall into place.
PP is very right, your son and YOU are the priorities.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 2:16 PM
You can never go back and be a good mommy, you must be the good mommy now. Time goes by and then they are grown.
Do what you know is right (your son) and not what you feel.
I know you have heart ache ahead with this one, but....
Dump the Chump.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 2:23 PM
How old is your son? you mention that your partner enjoys taking your son out! I am guessing that your son likes him and he is a good father figure for him. If this is true, then you need to work on finding out why your partner is pushing you away. Is he interested in someone else?
Are you his friend first and then his "girlfriend"? The best thing to do is to have a heart to heart talk with him. Be careful not to be emotional about it. Be his friend. Approach it as if you want to help him rather than attack him. He maybe thinking the same thing that you are.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 2:33 PM
He is good with my son and they get on well but he doesnt want to be seen as a step dad. Where will that put my son if we have kids? I know my son already has a dad but its hard.
There is definitely not anyone else in his life. The change is both of us. We used to be happy to sit in with nothing on tv to watch and keep each other company but now we get down in the dumps about it. It sounds petty but thats what is happening.
Also at the beginninghe ud to ask me to go out with him and his mates but now he would rather go out on his own cos he says we need to have time on our own.
Dont get me wrong im not clingy and like my space too but we never seem to do anything toether except stay in and bebored.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 2:39 PM
work on the relationship
"parents" breaking up is REALLY hard on the kid -
you "really love him" but "argue a little" and have "different priorities" - and people are saying you should split - that is crazy - try hard to fix the relationship. Relationships take a lot of work.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 2:47 PM
OP--if you can't see how "he doesn't want to be seen as a step dad" affects your son, then you're being selfish. How do you think that makes your son feel knowing he's living with a man that doesn't want to be his step father?
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 2:49 PM
let me clarify that statement, because i realized after i wrote it how harsh it sounded.
When we become mothers and fathers, our priorities change. That also means sacrifice on our parts to protect our children and do what's right for them.
I know it's not easy being a single mother, but you're going to need to give up something that's familiar to do what's best for your son. Sometimes you need to sacrifice your own wants and happiness to do what's best for your children. The key is not to let them know that's what your doing. Don't take it out on him or indicate in any way you broke up with this guy because of him. He's already in a situation that is up and down, fighting and happy, someone who doesn't want to be seen as his step dad, etc. Make this as easy for your son as possible.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 2:59 PM
It sounds like you got into the relationship with this guy a little too early. Now that you are a single Mom, you have to be carefull about introducing a new potential Dad to your son. I would go as far as saying that you should keep the guy at arms length until you are sure that he want to spend the rest of his life with you. You can date, but be careful about moving in with a guy. If you go through relationships, then your son will learn that relationships are not supposed to last. Or, maybe you need to take a healthier approach towards relationship. Maybe it is not all his fault. You know, we women can be overbearing at times. We dont want someone changing us, so why do we expect to change them. Ask yourself, are you naging at him for anything?
Also, some guys are great at the begining of the relationship and after 6 months to a year they start looking for something new. It maybe that your guys is back in the market and is looking.
If you want to turn it around then maybe you guys need to consider counseling. You may learn something about yourself and what you are doing that is contributing to the problem, or you may find out that he is a loss cause. Relationships are work, and you both have to be willing to do what it takes.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 3:47 PM
Can i just say that when I said he doesnt want to be seen to my son as a steo dad it is because he thinks kids generally despise their step parents. He calls himself my son friend who always looks out for him.
And yes I have been nagging a lot. I think Im maybe a bit too fussy about how things should be whereas he is relaxed and just generally laid back.
He moved towns to move in with me and this is why he says seeing his friends is important to him as he has gone from seeing them almost daily to once a week or fortnight.
I think I have, accidentally become too dependent on him and plan my life not just around my son but around him too. I am going to start making my own plans without worrying if he wont like it (my ex husband used to make me accountable to him for everything and old habits are hard to break).
We also dont argue as you would imagine. An argument to us is a look and a huff and then not talking for an hour or so. My son never picks up on it and neither do people who are with us but weknow. Does that make sense.
I spoke to him last night and we have set a few goals like having our own lives but ebjoying quality time together and being honest about how we feel. We both said we dont want to split up.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 4:32 AM
Don't kid yourself, your son picks up on it...he might just not be saying anything. Kids are very perceptive. And being a single mother myself once, I would never want to be with a guy who doesn't want to be some sort of "parent" to my child. I get the whole idea of not wanting to be the wicked stepparent, but that sounds like a cop out to me. If you're expecting this guy to be with you for the long haul and live with you,then he's going to have to accept the good with the bad in being a parent. That's the cardinal rule of being a parent...you can't be their buddy and still be in charge. Think about it, if he's just the child's "friend" then that will make you and only you the bad guy when it comes to cleaning rooms, doing homework, curfews etc. That's not fair. Find yourself a guy who really wants to partner with you in parenting this child.........your son is going to have enough friends in his life, he doesn't need a grown man to be one of them.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 2:36 PM
Oh come on, if it was her actual husband, everyone would say "work it out"! Yes, kids pick up on fights, but parents fight sometimes and that's that. Just try to fight in a reasonable way, and then your son might learn something from it! You sound like you still want to be in this relationship. Then make it work. And yes, sometimes yoiu have to move a step back in order toi become close again! :)
Wednesday, May 14, 2008, 4:42 PM
If my husband said he didn't want to be a parent, but wanted to be our child's "friend", I'd have his bags packed. Why should I shoulder the responsibilities and be bad cop all the time while he gets to be fun daddy? Marriage or no marriage, it's not a fair situation.,
Thursday, May 15, 2008, 9:50 AM
Thursday, May 15, 2008, 10:38 AM
Either end it now or let things get worse
You really only have two choices in the matter, because it's quite clear by his actions that he wants out.
If you end it now, you'll feel better about yourself because it was YOU who made the decision. Plus, you'll start to heal sooner than if it drags out.
Let it go on and the decision will be made for you.
Thursday, May 15, 2008, 10:39 AM
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