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Need some advice from random strangers : )

I have a question, about 8 years ago I ended what I felt was a toxic friendship. I have always felt guilty about the words that I used. I don’t feel bad that I ended it but I feel bad that I used such harsh words. I really feel like I should apologize, it still haunts me. The problem is I don’t want to start up the friendship again, just make amends. How or what do you say? How do I say “I am sorry for the way I behaved, I hope you have a great life, good bye”?

Mon. May 19, 10:37am

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remember postcards ?

emails & face to face are useless for this - write a postcard and don't leave a return address, say what you want to very nice just I am sorry and so forth and that is that.
like, "I just wanted to tell you that I have been feeling regretful and ashamed of that the way I acted when we ended our friendship it bothered me. I just wanted to express to you that I regret acting that way and I hope that you can forgive me for saying the things that I said, I really do wish you well and hope that your life is full of joy and good things, wishing you the best in your life...
-Sally Jones
something like that...

Monday, May 19, 2008, 10:46 AM

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I think the PP has a good idea.

Who knows, your ex-friend probably isn't fretting over it as much as you are but it will probably mean a lot to them that you cared to do that. I've been in situations similar to this and I would feel that way if I were the friend, although initially I might be taken back a bit.

You will feel a lot better after :)

Monday, May 19, 2008, 10:49 AM

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I'd just let it go and not risk re-opening that door. Then I'd go out and create some good karma in the world to make up for it.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 11:00 AM

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although I do like the postcard idea if you HAVE to say something ... I also think that unless you know this is also bothering the other person still, it's not fair to drag it back up to sooth your conscience.

You are feeling badly now, he/she probably felt badly then - to remind them of the incident may be relieving your bad feelings at their expense ... again.

you unloaded on someone, used words you regret - I think the better choice is to make peace with yourself and learn the lesson that harsh words are not something you want to do again and move forward knowing that you won't go that route again ... and then ya go create a little good Karma in the world.

I speak from the perspective of someone who was once VERY hurt by a good friend. She came back several years later and tried to apologize to me - i received an email asking if I would accept an appology all these years later. Honestly, it pi$$ed me off b/c I had long ago put it all to rest. I was very hurt and I had worked hard to get past it and feel better - I just didn't have any interest in doing anything to help her through whatever she was feeling about it all those years later. I felt like we were long not friends anymore and if she had something to work out about how she treated me, she needed to do that on her own now.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 11:17 AM

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I like the karma approach to this question too.

To make good on this situation pay it forward.

If there is a friend you have right now who needs a little extra attention, write an email or pick up the phone.

Talk with others in your present life about your regrets so they can learn from your mistake.

Write an "ideal ending" for that particular relationship and offer it up to the universe.

My guess is you learned from the situation and you won't repeat it in your present relationships. You are sensitive and caring and you were doing the best you could in that situation and you have some regrets. We all do this.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 11:55 AM

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Leave the 'toxic" person alone. This is your problem. You want to revisit this to make yourself fee better

Monday, May 19, 2008, 11:58 AM

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10:49 here

After reading everyone else's input, I am starting to lean towards agreeing with them.

Best of luck with your decision

Monday, May 19, 2008, 12:05 PM

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i agree with 1155 pay it forward. do something for someone currentlyin yuor life so they dont make the same mistake as you. as for making ammends i would honestly just write all your feelings out ona piece of paper maybe make a mockletter to that person seal it up but instead of mailing it burn it. that way you got all your feelings out . and the idea of burning it is to say perhaps that you are now over it and move on

Monday, May 19, 2008, 12:34 PM

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I think that karma idea is no good.
You should actaully do something that will impact YOU and this PERSON. Just apologize for what you did to this person to make it right. They will realize that saying sorry is good and you will feel a weight off your chest for trying your best to make what you did to this person right, attack the real problem.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 1:24 PM

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advice from random strangers

You've basically got the gist of it.. Be sure to include the fact that you regret the harsh words you used and though you still feel angry/ working on forgiveness.. perhaps those words were uncalled for.


Monday, May 19, 2008, 1:28 PM

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you'll feel better

Making yourself feel better is a very worthwhile endeavor!!

Monday, May 19, 2008, 1:31 PM

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OP here,
I appreciate all the great advice. I certainly see both sides. I will say I feel strongly that I need to apologize, so I will be doing something. It is not just to make myself feel better, I heard recently thru another friend that this is still an issue for this person, so it sounds like we both need closure. My concern is that it took alot for me to free myself of this friendship and I don't want to get sucked back in. I think I am much stronger now, and do not want to cause any pain. I think it is important sometimes to go back and clean up our pasts, so we can move forward.
Again thank you all for such great advice, it has helped me come to peace with my decision.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 2:25 PM

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Maybe you can anonomously send flowers and a vague apology note.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 5:23 PM

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I totally agree that the OP should make herself feel better. I disagree though that it should be done at the expense of the person originally hurt ... especially given that it's been EIGHT years! That's a long time to go back and rehash a difficult situation.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 9:29 PM

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I guess I'm not seeing the downside of apologizing for bad behavior. If the other person still has hard feelings an apology may help them to move on. If the other person hasn't thought twice about it since it happened, then an apology isn't going to be a big deal. It's not like the OP is itching to rehash a situation to be 'right', that would be unnecessary 'revisiting' and a selfish move, but apologizing...when is apologizing ever a bad idea? It's not. Sincere apologies can be powerful, no matter how long it takes to get delivered.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 11:49 PM

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I agree with the last post. Apologizing is never a bad decision. I used to get picked on in high school, because I was quiet and kept to myself. Years later, I had to work with one of the girls who used to pick on me and she. She pulled me aside one day and let me know that she really felt bad about what she had said to me and for picking on me. It made me feel good to know that she thought enough of me as a person and respected my feelings enough to know that i would appreaciate an apology...even years later. We didn't become best buddies or hang out, but it made working with her and seeing her out in public a lot easier.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008, 12:27 AM

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A question for OP

I'm assuming that you ended this toxic friendship because the other person was not good for you or treated you poorly. Now maybe your words weren't as kind as you now hope when you ended the friendship, but why should you apologize for ending a relationship in which the person hurt you? If she has issues with it still, perhaps it's she who should be apologizing for being a crappy friend in the first place. I don't know the specifics of the situation, so this is just an opinion based on assumption, so please correct me if I'm wrong.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008, 8:59 AM

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