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OT- Why?

I broke it off with my boyfriend last night and I seemed to have very understandable and valid reasons, but today, like every day after the million other times I have broken up with him, I regret my decision. We aren't good together, we bicker and yell, we curse at eachother and have been physically agressive with eachother, we have different veiws on money, religion, and parenting (we have a 17 month old). We have been perpetually trying to "make things work" and nothing sticks. Maybe it is the comfort of the known (we have been together for 4 years), maybe it is a crappy self-esteem, maybe I am addicted to the irrational fighting... whatever it is, I need to get over it.

Mon. May 19, 3:38pm

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Your answer is in your own paretheses.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 3:50 PM

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re

You don't want to split up b/c it's what you are used to. Humans are by nature resistant to change. My first husband and I were together five years. The entire time our relationship was exactly like you described--we split up and got back together on about a monthly basis. I'm sure our relationship was a joke to many. I didn't care. I stayed with him anyway b/c we had two children together, and I thought that meant I was supposed to make it work. But, it's not best for your children to be in a home where there is fighting constantly. So, you have to pick one of two choices---stay together without fighting (you'd both have to commit to this) or split up and try to remain friends b/c of your child.

You will never 'want' to split up. It's never a good thing. And whether you do it now or five years from now---it will hurt, it will not be easy, and it will take some time to get through. Keep in mind though---the longer you stay together--the harder your split up will be--it may be tough now--but what about when your child is 5 instead of 17 months? It only gets harder by putting it off.

I'm not telling you to split up either. You have to make that decision. When I was married to my first, I was so young (got married at 18). Everyone told me I should leave him after the first year. I never listened to anyone's advice. I'd ask for it--but I didn't take it to heart. I had to decide on my own that I needed to move on with my life with my children and try to find a healthy relationship.

You probably won't split up today--b/c you are already regretting it. But, you'll get to the point where you're tired of fighting and you'll know in your heart it's really over. If you can't get along, you don't need to be together.



Monday, May 19, 2008, 4:05 PM

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i'm not sure you actually regret it as much as the feeling of familiarity isn't there. Give yourself three months and I bet you won't be regretting it.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 4:07 PM

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PS

I thought it might be helpful to add that six months after I finally left my first husband, he died tragically in a car wreck. I loved him very much. I always loved him. Sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship work. You just can't fight constantly when there's kids around.

I had to live with my decision to leave. It hit really hard after he passed away. Looking back now--that's been four years ago--I know in my heart that our relationship would have never worked---even if he'd lived. If you're honest with yourself, you can look at your relationship and know that no matter how much love is there--love isn't the magic fix-all---there are things that aren't acceptable or healthy.

Figure out how to fix it....or move on. Hope this helps.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 4:09 PM

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you should be proud of yourself for making the decision you did b/c deep down you know exactly what is right for you. but, change is hard for everyone. that is probably why you are regretting your decision today. stick to your guns!
I hope you take the extra time to focus on your son or daughter. think of all the time wasted fighting that you can now spend with them!!!

Monday, May 19, 2008, 4:46 PM

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Why do you love him?

Because he makes you feel warm, happy and loved when you are with him?

Because he's kind and considerate of your feelings?

Because he is a wonderful father?

Because he is caring and sharing?

Because he treats you with respect?

Because he treats your family members and friends with respect?

Monday, May 19, 2008, 8:06 PM

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I loved him because when we met he was considerate and caring. He was free spirited and taught me to have fun. We WERE great together.

When I found out I was pregnant, I begged him to join me in budgeting and spending wisely. That request created a rift between us. His current spending habits, have turned that rift into a canyon. It has been over 2 years and his spending and his attitude have because vicious and horrible.

I know in the "real wolrd" love isn't easy. It is difficult and takes actual work. I used that excuse for over a year... I just needed to work harder. Then I gave in, I started walking away emotionally because it hurt too bad to love him while he was yelling, screaming, acting irresponsibly and not taking myself or his daughter into consideration. He is over all a great father my daughter LOVES her daddy, and he shows her the kind of love I know she deserves.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 8:58 PM

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Well it's important to remember that whether or not you stay together he is still going to be her daddy and she will still get to love him and enjoy him in her life! That's imperative.

Honestly, I think some parents are actually better off coparenting from their separate lives - it takes a LOT of work and a LOT of effort to create such a post-divorce/separation environment for your child but it absolutely can be done.

Wether or not he is a good father is not necessarily relevant in whether or not he's a good partner for you. Of course if he were a bad father that would not be the same, but good or bad he is her father whether you and he are together or not.

It may be, MAY BE that having to fly solo might be what he is going to need to figure out the financial responsibilty thing.

What he was, is the reason you got together, were together ... it's not a good reason to stay together.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 9:34 PM

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7:24 why would you ask her to stay? She said in her post that they were physically abusive toward each other. That, in itself, is reason to get out. yes, couples argue and they can be hurtful at times. But this seems above and beyond that.
OP, if you've left him several times, then something tells me you know it's really over but the comfort of having someone is what brings you back. The prospect of being out there alone and as a parent is scary, I've been there. But trying to make it work and delaying the inevitable are two very different things. I can tell you from experience that it is far better to have the split now while your child is so young. He/she will not know anything different than parents who live apart, and that is far "healthier" if you can call it that, than having them deal with a split when thy are old enough to mourn the loss.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008, 8:53 AM

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Right pp... think about the daughter. Think about the fact that the OP's daughter watches her daddy put his hands on her mother. I wouldn't want my child to think it was okay to have a man hurt her, physically or emotionally. By staying, the OP would be showing her daughter that that type of behavior is okay. Its not!



Tuesday, May 20, 2008, 2:32 PM

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It's hard to end a relationship regardless of how positive or quite negative this one seems to be. I applaud you for taking time to think about it and know that you will do the right thing.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008, 7:49 AM

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8:53, you're damn right that's a reason in and of itself to go! I had a boyfriend shove me once. done. over. he was history. and I never regretted it because I wouldn't have respected myself for staying. And a pp said it perfectly, there's a child that's watching all of this go down. You're right, maybe she shouldn't have had a child with him, but just because she did doesn't mean she has to stay with him. What's healthier, staying in a relationship that's abusive and dysfunctional just so a child can say she has both parents together, or two people that parent a child together but have moved on to safe happy relationships with other people? "That poor child" will be a well adjusted adult if she learns that people who love one another don't hit, push, shove etc.

Good for you that you sink to getting physical with someone you claim to love. I have too much respect for myself and my husband to even consider that as being even close to ok. And doing it "not that often" is no victory.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008, 9:11 AM

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There'd only be a once if my husband laid a hand on me. I'd be in county and he'd be in the morgue.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008, 9:53 AM

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As a grown woman if you stay with someone who is physically abusive you are a mo-ron.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008, 9:56 AM

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If any guy raised a hand to me, he better make sure he knocks my ass out or kills me or else be prepared to be gutted like a fish...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008, 9:58 AM

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Children are not automatically better off b/c their parents stay together!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008, 10:02 AM

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8:16-
Don't post if you have nothing intelligent to contribute...

Thursday, May 22, 2008, 7:50 AM

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8:16 I would consider myself intelligent for not letting someone push me around. If that makes me a know it all, then I'm glad to be the Albert Einstein of know it alls!!!

Thursday, May 22, 2008, 8:45 AM

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I'm an asshole for believing people shouldn't hit each other?????
I'M AN ANIMAL!!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 22, 2008, 2:03 PM

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it sounds liek 8:52 is in an abusive relationship and too weak to deal with it.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 3:13 PM

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OP here

Wow this thread went here and there... but to get it back again, I thank you all for your words. I have kept to my words and we are still currently separated. It has been difficult, but he has been doing an amazing job of reminding me daily why we shouldn't be together (mostly just starting fights)

I am seeing the blessing in all of this.

Saturday, May 24, 2008, 6:40 PM

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op,
my husband and i have also been together for 4 yrs in august and we will have been married for 1 yr in june and we have a 16 mnth old together. he isnt physically abusive to me or me to him because the first time would be the last but i have to tell you we never fought not even argued until we move in together last year and then for the first 5 mnths or so it was hell we had fights so often that my mother refused to come over for a while and it was all over money, spending habits, personal habits. but about 6 mnths ago we resolved all those issues. by coming to an agreement. we keep our finances seperate except for the household which we split. this might sound silly because we are married but our marriage is complete bliss since we started doing this. if ones is short money the other lends it but we pay each other back that way if no one is telling the other how to spend their money and if a bill doesnt get paid its our own fault. we also agreed that when one of us is doing something one way, whether or not the other agrees the other person is to just "shut up " and let me/ or him do it our own way as when we first got together we agreed that we would not try to change each others habits. ilove my husband the way i met him even with some of his ways . as for raising our daughter we have pretty much the same values there we try to keep that the same for both of us so she doesnt get confused. but if your boyfriend is being abusive i commend you for leaving him. as i watched my sister be in a physically abusive relationship for 11 yrs before she finally left for good so it is not worth staying and they have 3 kids together and get along fine now

Saturday, May 24, 2008, 8:18 PM

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First rule, never ever stay for the kids. Believe me the kids know when a relationship is bad and feed off of it. I come from one of those relationships. If you know you are no good together and have been trying for 4 years its time to stop, move on and find a way to be friends for the sake of your child. In the long run you will all be happier. Don't dwell on it and don't regret it. Anything you ever regret can be taken and learned from. All your reasons are valid. Ask yourself this? Are you willing to go through another 4 years of the same thing? Do you think that sort of life will be enjoyable? And what and how do you think your child will feel by then? Kids know everything, even if they don't understand it. They also can feel the stress, tension and anger. You did the right thing.

Saturday, May 24, 2008, 8:28 PM

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