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OT- Why?

I broke it off with my boyfriend last night and I seemed to have very understandable and valid reasons, but today, like every day after the million other times I have broken up with him, I regret my decision. We aren't good together, we bicker and yell, we curse at eachother and have been physically agressive with eachother, we have different veiws on money, religion, and parenting (we have a 17 month old). We have been perpetually trying to "make things work" and nothing sticks. Maybe it is the comfort of the known (we have been together for 4 years), maybe it is a crappy self-esteem, maybe I am addicted to the irrational fighting... whatever it is, I need to get over it.

Mon. May 19, 3:38pm

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Your answer is in your own paretheses.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 3:50 PM

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You don't want to split up b/c it's what you are used to. Humans are by nature resistant to change. My first husband and I were together five years. The entire time our relationship was exactly like you described--we split up and got back together on about a monthly basis. I'm sure our relationship was a joke to many. I didn't care. I stayed with him anyway b/c we had two children together, and I thought that meant I was supposed to make it work. But, it's not best for your children to be in a home where there is fighting constantly. So, you have to pick one of two choices---stay together without fighting (you'd both have to commit to this) or split up and try to remain friends b/c of your child.

You will never 'want' to split up. It's never a good thing. And whether you do it now or five years from now---it will hurt, it will not be easy, and it will take some time to get through. Keep in mind though---the longer you stay together--the harder your split up will be--it may be tough now--but what about when your child is 5 instead of 17 months? It only gets harder by putting it off.

I'm not telling you to split up either. You have to make that decision. When I was married to my first, I was so young (got married at 18). Everyone told me I should leave him after the first year. I never listened to anyone's advice. I'd ask for it--but I didn't take it to heart. I had to decide on my own that I needed to move on with my life with my children and try to find a healthy relationship.

You probably won't split up today--b/c you are already regretting it. But, you'll get to the point where you're tired of fighting and you'll know in your heart it's really over. If you can't get along, you don't need to be together.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 4:05 PM

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i'm not sure you actually regret it as much as the feeling of familiarity isn't there. Give yourself three months and I bet you won't be regretting it.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 4:07 PM

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I thought it might be helpful to add that six months after I finally left my first husband, he died tragically in a car wreck. I loved him very much. I always loved him. Sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship work. You just can't fight constantly when there's kids around.

I had to live with my decision to leave. It hit really hard after he passed away. Looking back now--that's been four years ago--I know in my heart that our relationship would have never worked---even if he'd lived. If you're honest with yourself, you can look at your relationship and know that no matter how much love is there--love isn't the magic fix-all---there are things that aren't acceptable or healthy.

Figure out how to fix it....or move on. Hope this helps.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 4:09 PM

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you should be proud of yourself for making the decision you did b/c deep down you know exactly what is right for you. but, change is hard for everyone. that is probably why you are regretting your decision today. stick to your guns!
I hope you take the extra time to focus on your son or daughter. think of all the time wasted fighting that you can now spend with them!!!

Monday, May 19, 2008, 4:46 PM

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Why do you love him?

Because he makes you feel warm, happy and loved when you are with him?

Because he's kind and considerate of your feelings?

Because he is a wonderful father?

Because he is caring and sharing?

Because he treats you with respect?

Because he treats your family members and friends with respect?

Monday, May 19, 2008, 8:06 PM

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I loved him because when we met he was considerate and caring. He was free spirited and taught me to have fun. We WERE great together.

When I found out I was pregnant, I begged him to join me in budgeting and spending wisely. That request created a rift between us. His current spending habits, have turned that rift into a canyon. It has been over 2 years and his spending and his attitude have because vicious and horrible.

I know in the "real wolrd" love isn't easy. It is difficult and takes actual work. I used that excuse for over a year... I just needed to work harder. Then I gave in, I started walking away emotionally because it hurt too bad to love him while he was yelling, screaming, acting irresponsibly and not taking myself or his daughter into consideration. He is over all a great father my daughter LOVES her daddy, and he shows her the kind of love I know she deserves.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 8:58 PM

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Well it's important to remember that whether or not you stay together he is still going to be her daddy and she will still get to love him and enjoy him in her life! That's imperative.

Honestly, I think some parents are actually better off coparenting from their separate lives - it takes a LOT of work and a LOT of effort to create such a post-divorce/separation environment for your child but it absolutely can be done.

Wether or not he is a good father is not necessarily relevant in whether or not he's a good partner for you. Of course if he were a bad father that would not be the same, but good or bad he is her father whether you and he are together or not.

It may be, MAY BE that having to fly solo might be what he is going to need to figure out the financial responsibilty thing.

What he was, is the reason you got together, were together ... it's not a good reason to stay together.

Monday, May 19, 2008, 9:34 PM

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7:24 why would you ask her to stay? She said in her post that they were physically abusive toward each other. That, in itself, is reason to get out. yes, couples argue and they can be hurtful at times. But this seems above and beyond that.
OP, if you've left him several times, then something tells me you know it's really over but the comfort of having someone is what brings you back. The prospect of being out there alone and as a parent is scary, I've been there. But trying to make it work and delaying the inevitable are two very different things. I can tell you from experience that it is far better to have the split now while your child is so young. He/she will not know anything different than parents who live apart, and that is far "healthier" if you can call it that, than having them deal with a split when thy are old enough to mourn the loss.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008, 8:53 AM

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Right pp... think about the daughter. Think about the fact that the OP's daughter watches her daddy put his hands on her mother. I wouldn't want my child to think it was okay to have a man hurt her, physically or emotionally. By staying, the OP would be showing her daughter that that type of behavior is okay. Its not!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008, 2:32 PM

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