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I can't stand my future sister in law

She plans a wedding half way around the world. The flights alone, with the rising price of gas, are over $3000. I think it's beyond rude. Yes, I know that this is her wedding and it's not about her husband's family but I can't imagine planning a wedding without thinking about immediate family and their ability to get there.

Fri. May 23, 10:42am

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Don't go?

Friday, May 23, 2008, 11:13 AM

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I think you should make the trip a vacation for you and you hubby, that way you can go to her wedding and also feel like the trip is about you guys too.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 11:15 AM

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If you can't stand her, why aren't you glad you've got the perfect excuse to not go to the wedding?

Friday, May 23, 2008, 12:43 PM

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sounds like you are jealose.
Remember your brother made this decision as well. Why should they compromise their special day for you?!??!

Friday, May 23, 2008, 1:56 PM

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I think it's rude of them to plan something like that. No two ways about it.
1:56 is right also that your brother was in on it too, unless his fiance is the type to railroad any opposition and he didn't have a say so in the matter.

Yep, just rude/inconsiderate.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 2:10 PM

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I think it's rude for you to expect someone to plan their wedding around you. They are throwing a wedding and you have been invited to it. If you don't like how they've planned it, it's none of your business, and if you don't want to go for some reason, then don't go.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 3:19 PM

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weddings set in exotic locations and involving family travel seem to be more and more common. I guess it's important to remember that it's supposed to be the wedding of their dreams but reality is reality and if you can't afford it, or don't want to spend that kind of money to attend, you'll have to just tell him that. He's entitled to have his wedding the way they want it and you are entitled to decide whether or not it works for you.

honestly though, deciding to hate your new sister-in-law is not a great way to start a potentially very long relationship. This is as much your brother's wedding as it is hers and if these are the plans he has either a) agreed to let her do it her way or b) agreed to plan it this way. Either way, it's his choice too.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 3:23 PM

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Don't worry, with the divorce rates in America, she won't be your sister in law forever. Chances are you or your brother will probably get a divorce. :) Sorry! Just a thought though.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 4:52 PM

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It's not my brother, it's my husband's brother. Not jealous. I know this isn't about me, I'm annoyed that the entire wedding is going to cost well over 6k with travel, hotel, gift, etc.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:04 PM

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Is it a beach wedding or is she going home to her country of origin? If it is country of origin, your definatly can't fault her for that, and if it is a beach wedding, either shut up, spend the money, make a holiday of it, or don't go.

It is completly irrational to hate someone for having the wedding they want.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:08 PM

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I agree with the poster that said these types of weddings are becoming more common. That being said, you don't have to go. Not everyone has the money to travel around the world and people do understand that. If however you do happen to have a lof of money, it may cause a rift in the new family if you choose to use your money for something else and not attend. In that case I would go and make it a vacation as well so you will feel that it was not all about them.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:09 PM

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It's not rude to plan a wedding half way around the world, but there should be no expectation that ANYONE come.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:10 PM

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It's a beach wedding. We are immediate family and it will be over $6000. Not going is not an option. I think it's selfish of her to not think of immediate family and have a wedding 1/2 way across the world.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:10 PM

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take responsibilty

Not going IS an option.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:15 PM

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No, it's not an option. My daughter has to be there. The rest of the family is there. My future sister in law didn't care at all about family, only the wedding she wanted. She's from the US, she doesn't not need to get married in this exotic place. This is all about her and I think my brother in law is in for a long road. This kind of selfishness will pop up in everything.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:18 PM

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Everything in life is an option. Your daughter doesn't have to be there. No one has to do anything. And if spending that money is going to create a hardship then you do have the right to politely decline. There are consequences, but you have a choice. That said, it is not reasonable to expect participation, close family or otherwise, with that kind of cost and travel. However, if you accepted the invitation to participate, you accepted the expenses that went a long with it.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:23 PM

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Whatever. People are arguing with me just to argue with me. I said I understand this is about her. I understand this is her dream wedding. I think it is a selfish action. It's bridezillaish to plan something that's only about you. I am entitled to my feelings about it.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:26 PM

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I'm sorry you don't like the input. I'll give you this - your SIL IS selfish if she absolutely expects everyone to go, expenses be damned. But that shouldn't be a factor in anyone's decision. That's just giving in to Bridezilla at the expense of your financial health!

Friday, May 23, 2008, 5:29 PM

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I planned my wedding to my family's (primarily my parents) expectations. My fiance and I wanted to go off and have a small, intimate wedding; my parents threw a fit similar to the one you are, guilt-tripping me like crazy about how I was letting the whole family down, people wanted to see me get married, it wasn't fair to expect my grandparents to travel for a wedding, etc. I didn't expect anyone to travel and I didn't mean to inconvenience anyone, but I did not want a huge local wedding. Eventually I gave in to my parents, had the wedding my mother wanted me to have that was local and all my relatives could come to (my fiance's family all still had to fly in) and I hated it. I was miserable, it felt like we were all puppets in a play, and even though I'm divorced now I still feel very bad about the wedding day. I'm glad my parents got what they wanted, but I would never wish that experience on someone else.

Why aren't you happy for your sister in law? If you truly cannot afford to attend, then it is perfectly reasonable to not go. If your daughter "has to be there," it is because your family agreed to let her be in the wedding, fully knowing what that entailed. It's not fair to your sister in law for you to harbor resentment towards her for planning the wedding she wants and inviting you to it. You say she is being selfish--she might be--but she is planning her wedding. I do not understand why she and your brother in law should be expected to plan their wedding to other peoples' specifications, and if they did, there is no way they could make everyone happy.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 6:27 PM

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I'm sorry that you were guilted into a wedding that you didn't want to have and you still have regrets about it. You have an excellent point - that if people expected to plan their wedding to others specifications that there is no way that everyone could be happy. I am not guilting her into anything. I haven't said anything to her at all. I have vented in this forum about my feelings because this is a great place to do that. I still think that it is selfish. We are expected to go and the assumption is that spending $6000 is no big deal. It's a big deal no matter how much money you have. I find it selfish, I think she is selfish and I would rather not go but know that I will be going and I've chosen this forum to vent. I bet if some of you were in this situation yourself, you might not have the same words for me.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 6:46 PM

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6:27 - that stinks :( No one should have such miserable memories of their wedding! Next time, do what we did - plan a wonderful destination wedding with just you and your fiance and tell no one else until after the fact! There were some sourpus responses, but we paid for it ourselves and 14 years later everyone is over it!

And I agree re: your second paragraph. With agreement to participate comes agreement to the expense.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 6:47 PM

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It is your own self betrayal in the beginning, that is the source of your resentment, not your sister-in-law. You feel trapped because you now have to do something you don't want to do. You were not honest.

In the future you might want to put some time between answering someone with regard to big decisions, then when you do make the decision you will have made it for yourself.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 7:08 PM

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what an asinine comment. The op is venting. Too many therapists on here.

Friday, May 23, 2008, 7:41 PM

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With all due respect, it is no more selfish of her to plan it this way than it is self centred of you to think that your attendance will make or break this wedding and I don't mean that nearly as rude as it sounds !

honestly, think about what you are saying - according to you she has planned it with NO regard for immediate family in one breath and yet there are dire consequences to not going and somehow your daughter NEEDS to be there! If she NEEDED your daughter there, she would have made sure that the plans worked for you.

You have a choice, you just don't want to exercise it - it's easier to do it, spend the money and have something really good to be bitter about. *shrugs*

Friday, May 23, 2008, 8:53 PM

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Venting yes, but doing so about something she has complete control over!

Friday, May 23, 2008, 11:21 PM

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"You have a choice, you just don't want to exercise it - it's easier to do it, spend the money and have something really good to be bitter about. *shrugs* "

This won't make the OP happy, but EXACTLY!

Friday, May 23, 2008, 11:27 PM

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I think it goes beyond where the wedding is. Sounds like you might have disliked her for some time? You do have a choice, and really if you can't afford it then why would you even think of going? You just tell your b-in-law that you guys just can't afford it, end of story. At the same time you might mention that you would have loved to come and celebrate their day but with it being so far it just not in your budget. Its not selfish of her to plan a wedding where she wants it, I am sure most people who do that sort of thing will realize that some people, even close family, might not be able to come. So you bow out, and if they live close to you you ask them if they would like to celebrate when they get home. Of course the other train of thought could be that she did it on purpose, so some people wouldn't be able to make it. Maybe she knows you don't like her and the feeling is mutual. Just a thought. So are you the same person who bitched about this a month ago or so?

Saturday, May 24, 2008, 2:48 AM

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I think there are MANY great ideas and perspectives here. I'm also glad that there weren't too many rude comments made on a personal level, although there were some.

If I were to weigh in on this and make a decision, I would simply bow out, be polite, give the reasons why. Seriously, $6000. That could be a good piece of your daughter's college education there, or medical emergencies. Who knows.

I'd say try to put all of the personal issues aside for a moment and just look at the common sense factors. That's a lot of money for ceremony.

Also, I still think it was rude/inconsiderate:-)

Saturday, May 24, 2008, 11:35 AM

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Op here. Tickets to thailand had to be booked today and I've decided not to go. Decision has been made and I still can't stand her. she is selfish. The end.

Saturday, May 24, 2008, 1:01 PM

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Good for you OP for deciding not to go. Thailand? Seriously? Why on earth would she plan a wedding there? Does she know someone there? Sounds to me like she might have done that on purpose to keep the wedding extremely small. With everything going on over there right now I'm sure a lot of people are put off, I'm sure some don't even have passports. Seems really odd to me that someone who doesn't come from there would plan a wedding there, especially knowing that family, even hers are in the states. If she wanted exotic why not have it at some beautiful beach, maybe in Mexico, the Keys or even Hawaii, of course Hawaii might be just as expensive.

Saturday, May 24, 2008, 1:41 PM

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Good for you, OP. Now just let it go. It's not worth all the energy you're devoting to hating her!

Saturday, May 24, 2008, 2:41 PM

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Thank God, thread dies... lol

No offense OP, but the arguing, SHEEEEESH

Saturday, May 24, 2008, 4:06 PM

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The real problem here is in the cultural atmosphere that has turned a wedding from an elemental celebration of family, love, and new beginnings into a huge commercial moneymaker. You can bet the airlines, destination hotels, and wedding planners LOVE it, but it's sad to me that people's dreams have gotten so overwhelming, so that they can't be happy unless they have something huge and exotic and perfect.

My wedding was small and local and wonderful, filled with all the people I love. My marriage is 20 years and going strong. I wasn't fully happy with every detail of my wedding--my mom and I had a few different ideas. But the marriage is really what has mattered, and as it turns out, my wedding day--important as it was and still is--isn't even in the top 5 of most important days. Some of the best hours of my life were unplanned, unexpected, and unforgettable--and there are quite a few of them that I'd keep over memories of a perfect wedding of any size. Right now I'm thinking of the day my son and I spent two hours talking and skipping a rock back and forth in a shallow bay on Lake Koocanusa...Or the days of any of the kids' births...The day another teenaged son asked me if it was okay if he gave away some theme park tickets he'd earned 9which he'd planned to use for our family) to another family because they were going through some rough things and he wanted to give them a good day out...Oh, yeah, honey, that's okay. That's totally okay.

My wedding day? It was nice. But it pales in comparison. And it would even if we'd been married at sunset on an island while the ocean waves rolled. It's what comes after the wedding, all those years, all those moments, that take precedence. We made the commitment, we were surrounded by people we loved, and that was a good beginning to a lifetime of even better things.

Sunday, May 25, 2008, 11:21 PM

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OP - good for you for beng genuine about your needs and wants as opposed to what others expect from you.

what were the reprecussions of your decision? how did the family react? I'm sure they had to know people would decline... is hubby and daughter still going?

Monday, May 26, 2008, 3:32 AM

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Well I'm glad you exercised your choice to decide whether to go or not!! I hope the "fall-out" (if any) is minimal and passes quickly.

now ... any ideas on how to start mending fences with your future inlaw???

Monday, May 26, 2008, 10:51 AM

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Your right..I guess she is just caught up in all the excitement! But, the right thing to do would be to go, unless you just CANNOT afford it! But doing the right always the best choice! And God will bless you! =]

Monday, May 26, 2008, 2:19 PM

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Ooh, really? In this scenario I don't think there is a 'right' or 'wrong' for family members - it's not like the wedding is within a day's drive or even a short plane ride. Not everyone has the means to participate in weddings -whether it's funding the outfit, paying for travel and accomodations, whatever. This is why people are 'asked' to be in weddings.

So, really, I guess the 'right' thing is for the engaged couple to make it clear to friends and family that while this is their chosen destination to marry - they completely understand if others are not able to attend due to time, distance, and cost. And if family and friends do go - I guess the 'right' thing is that they do so without complaints.

Monday, May 26, 2008, 7:07 PM

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woah 7:07 - don't get your knickers in such a knot. 2:19 said it would be right, unless you cannot afford it. CANNOT was written in caps and everything. How could you miss that?

Who knows? Maybe the Thai-bound bride doesn't care who goes. The OP did say she was selfish.

So OP - what is the outcome? Did anyone get upset?

Monday, May 26, 2008, 7:29 PM

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7:07 here - LOL - sorry bout that! Not the intention of my words. Knickers are folded very neatly in the drawer :) It was more a stream of consciousness going on there and reacting to the issue of right or wrong. Peace.

Monday, May 26, 2008, 10:35 PM

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2:19 what the heck is wrong with you? Why is going the "right thing to do"?

Monday, May 26, 2008, 11:21 PM

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Another option

Instead of complaining about how expensive the trip is, try to find another solution. If you are complaining about the trip, then I bet you are not the only one. One solution would be not to go to the wedding and then pool your money to hold them a small reception when they return. Invite all the people who could not attend the destination wedding and make it a big party. After all, it's about the MARRIAGE not the wedding (as so many people tend to forget this).

Tuesday, May 27, 2008, 2:58 AM

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So what happened?
If the Sister in Law is really selfish, she won't care one way or the other if you, she only will be concerned if it affects her ceremony somehow.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008, 10:45 AM

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2:58, you get the diplomacy award. What a nice idea--to let the bride have her wedding, however overdone it may seem, and find a way to celebrate with her anyway.

I have a LOT of sisters-in-law (13) and a good number of brothers-in-law as well (17). I get along with all of them, although I am closer to some than to others. I also love my mother-in-law, and we have a great relationship despite being very different and despite one serious incident a few years ago. At the time, I remember thinking it was the kind of thing that led to those Dear Abby letters--you know the ones--"Dear Abby, I have not spoken to my husband's mother in 15 years, and my husband only talks to her when she calls him. Even then they are off the phone in five minutes. We have three children who barely know they have a grandmother..." I didn't want that, no matter how horrible her letter to me was (and it was pretty horrible). It was my brother who gave me the kind of advice you just gave--advice that would preserve the relationship not only for my sake, but for the sake of my children and my husband. It was HARD to follow but now it's as though it never happened. My husband is still free to love his mother, my children to love their grandmother, and I love her myself.

The trick about hating inlaws, any inlaws, is that some of them are beloved blood relatives to people you love. You can't hate them without putting a rift between yourself and your loved ones, or between your loved ones and the people *they* love.

(I'm also 11:21. There are things that matter more in life than other things; as Antoine d' St. Exupery put it in his litlte prince tale, that which is essential is invisible to the eye. It's not the wedding dress, the beach, the sunset, the plane ticket, the gifts. It's the love, the forgiveness, the acceptance of each other, the kindness, the comfort, the peace.)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008, 10:52 AM

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Ehh, so we never find out what happens hunh?

That last idea does sound awfully nice, that's all your sister in law needs, another celebration.

Let us know how it goes.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008, 5:41 PM

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Well, what ever happened with the wedding? Or has it even taken place yet? Waiting to see if brother and daughter went!!

Monday, June 23, 2008, 12:19 PM

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