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have you ever been discouraged by the weight loss success of others?
"In a group support setting it is completely normal to be discouraged by the rapid success of others. Understand that this is a potential pitfall of group support, but that the benefits totally outweigh the drawbacks."
We wrote this based on some feedback from a long time PT user (feel free to identify yourself!), and we wanted to draw out the discussion a little more and place it into the category of "expectation setting". Have you ever been discouraged by others doing really well, and what other advice would you give new members in terms of how to properly set expections?
Tue. Oct 21, 3:29pm
it is hard to be fighting an uphill battle and watching others succeed while you're not.
it is like that in all things in life. watching friends move away because of promotions, getting married, having babies, etc.
It bums me out for a second, but then it gives me that little extra "oomph" to get my butt out of bed when I'm nice and toasty and go work out...
Tuesday, October 21, 2008, 3:54 PM
Yes. When it seems like things come easy for others while continuing to be so difficult for me, it's easy to give up & dissacociate myself. It sounds horrible, I know, but if I'm being honest, seeing a friend's weight loss success makes me feel down. I'm happy for them don't get me wrong, I just feel that it magnifies my failures.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 9:11 AM
The person that is losing has many ideas and behaviors that the person who is not losing does not share. Often times when one is losing they are developing a new self image and this self image naturally is a comparison with other self images and changes with relationships that were once aligned. Then of course there is the actual evidence of body differences.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 10:02 AM
10:02, your point is an important one
And it made me think of why one might be given to self-sabotage once they start succeeding (whether they're dealing with weight loss or alcoholism or whatever).
A person who might be losing weight (or successfuly giving up drink) could feel uncomfortable, or perhaps no longer accepted, as they start to give up old ideas and behaviors, and might head backwards in order to regain their previous standing within a relationship or group.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 10:25 AM
I think this leads to the notion "I am losing weight for myself." I have lost and gained many times over the years, and currently I have maintained for 2 years. This time there were lots of differences but one of them was that I didn't make a big deal of it except to those who were closest to me (who actually could not avoid the changes). I think part of the weight problem was being concerned about what others thought, good or bad. When I gave that up it relieved me of a lot of wasted energy.
I think we can fall back into addictions if the pull is strong enough around us, and we are not aware. We equate "thinking alike" to love and the need for love is all powerful. I think love is beyond our thoughts, our opinions, it is more a realization that we are all here now, and all confused on some level. Compassion for our mutual confusion, both when we are thin and heavy is closer to love from my view.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 12:05 PM
12:05, are you familiar with Pema Chodron, by any chance?
She talks a lot about addictions, awareness and compassion/love, especially in "Getting Unstuck: Breaking Your Habitual Patterns & Encountering Naked Reality" which I started to listen to (but haven't finished) a few weeks ago.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 12:13 PM
No I haven't. I have seen her name. I will look into it. Thank you for the tip.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 12:18 PM
12:13 that is a great suggestion. We are going to add her book to the new shop section we are building. The shop section is designed to be mostly product suggestions from the pt community.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 12:19 PM
I realize that everyone is different and loses weight at different rates. I decided long ago to just go about it steady and slow that way I don't get manic (I'm bipolar) and obsessed about weight loss to the point of dysfunction. So I've learned to fuel myself with other people's success stories to motivate myself to get my butt in gear. It's really great seeing others make that transformation which gets me so motivated to change myself as well.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 12:27 PM
12:27, helpful comment. I have often thought that what I hate most about being overweight is the obsession. I noticed quite some time ago that most people who didn't have a weight problem just couldn't understand why anyone would give some much importance to food. I appreciated their physical health, but mostly I admired their freedom.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 1:00 PM
"they love themselves"
I am happy for friends always. As a reaction to people who've changed their weight's sometimes I've felt "They love themselves enough to learn the coping behaviors one requires to fully express their true, happy selves. Why can't I?"
I still struggle with this. I know I am afraid of the jealously and rejection I experienced as a young person and also the attention. Just tonight I was in a really run down part of town and this kind of drunk guy was walking next to me for a couple of blocks telling me how beautiful I am, etc. etc. I actually led the guy to believe I was pregnant hoping he'd stop relating to me as a sexual person. I came home feeling really bad about myself for fabricating and being so incapable of dealing with my own LIFE. Sometimes its easier to be plump, but not when everyone else is in that fabulous red dress....
Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 11:35 PM
people doing well
I've actually been influenced by people not doing well on weight loss. I feel that if I lose weight then they will think that I am trying to outdo them and be arrogant. I just fill myself up with these thoughts, knowing that in fact weight loss does add to other peoples jealousy.
So I'm trying to work through other people's hang ups that become mine.
Thursday, April 23, 2009, 11:14 AM
Other people's weight loss success makes me feel like my goals are achievable. Sometimes I feel like I should leave my group if I am failing to lose weight because I am not being a good role model, but I have never felt discouraged by someone's success, only encouraged by it.
Thursday, April 23, 2009, 7:39 PM
7:39.. never leave your group for that reason.. thats when you need your group mate most.. read thier log find out what working for them and try different things to find what works for you.. you can do this. we all can... we may be reaching for different goal, but our main goal to be healthy is a common one .. thats the main reason for losing weight. dont shy away from support. we all need support and encouragement.
we can do this guys! lets finish the climb up the mountain together!
Friday, April 24, 2009, 10:57 AM
I'm in a group where one of the ladies has lost a lot of weight so far. I started the same day she did, and while I am very happy for her, I'm wondering why I haven't lost as much myself. However, she is such an inspiration and so motivating for everyone I would never leave my group. I feel like her success is in part due to the rest of us offering her support and encouragement.
Friday, April 24, 2009, 1:45 PM
encouragement from my group
I'm enjoying the daily tips and everyone's post...all are encouraging and enlightening.
I have a HUGE competitive streak and think most people do also so it is natural to be discouraged when I'm not the best loser for the week. I beat myself up for a few seconds...MAX then set my plan in motion to at least make sure I have a small loss the next week. Not to compete with anyone but me really and more importantly to build our groups "loss" numbers for the week. I look at it from the stand point of helping us reach a team goal. If I gain I feel badly knowing I've decreased the loss total for the week and let my team down more than myself.
By focusing on making sure I lose even a 1/2 pound that week and not post a gain is the encouragement I look for so I don't have to beat myself up if someone lost more than me. After all is said and done if my team member in getting fit and losing weight outdoes me for the week then obviously she worked harder at it or had her metabolism stars aligned just right that week...GOOD FOR HER!!!! Now it's time to follow the leader that week :)
Thursday, May 28, 2009, 1:41 PM
I have trouble setting fitness goals anyway because my life is so sedentary I have to begin slowly to avoid injury. Then I get embarrassed when others are doing five times my workout and still not happy with their level. I try not to worry about the weight number at this stage
Thursday, May 28, 2009, 3:06 PM
PP try not to feel embarrassed! That is why we are ALL here! Be proud of the changes you make and the progress you see!
I personally am kind of competitive too. It helps me to see others doing well because it motivates me to do well myself. I don't want someone else to do better than me!! =) I loved looking at thin people at the gym or in magazines while I was losing weight. It gave me something to work toward and I got excited about how I would feel when I finally got there.
Thursday, May 28, 2009, 3:49 PM
speaking as someone that has released alot of weight.. I find the constant support of my groups and teams is what I need to get me through the week. and just because we may be doing so well. doesnt mean we dont have our struggles along the way.. we NEED our family here, we need the accountability.. you better believeit before I put something in my mouth I think do I really want to log this tonight.. it makes me stop and think.. so yes we may be releasing each week, we may be kicking ass exercising and eating right, but its NOT easy and we do falter and we need our family here to help pick ourselves up and stay on track.. or do a U turn and get back on track.. so never think because were doing so well we are breezing through it.. were not. its a everyday process. its baby steps everyday and sometimes its a moment by moment that we don't emotionally eat with different things going on in our lives. we face all the troubles, and traps everyone else faces... I have maintained alot f the weight I have released minus the damn yo ying five pounds. which I am breaking the cycle of now. for almost 8 years, but its been a longjourney and part of its beeen discovering my self worth that I am special and I deserve this. this is for me.. so keep at it. don'tgive up.. when you see others do welll.. make it give you focus.. look attherlogs.. I have weeks I gain and I weeks I release.. I was on a plateu for 3 months.. its finally breaking, but its a constant battle, but one I am making peace with.. alot of the sabotage comes from our inner demons. face those.. address them.. take action and soom the catepillar will turn into a beautiful butterfly.. free to soar, but trust me we all need each other here.. you all are the wind beneath my wings.
My PT family is a BIG part f the sucess of my second half of my journey.. the first part I did alone.. I am so glad the second half I have all of you.
so I will say .. keep believing in yourself, hold onto your dream, keep reaching.. never give up.. I am living proof You can do it if you want itbad enough and love your self enough.. a hard lesson to earn, but one well needed on this journey.. love yourself for who you are.. work hard to be the person you know you can be and more importantly deserve to be.
I am 44 pounds from goal of 135. I started at 370.. 191 pounds released. the first 165 wason my own. alone facing everything by myself with noone that understood.. the rest I have released and the rest of the way to goal. I have all of you.. so yes. I definately agree with the poster..if someone is successful your in a group or team with. I will say with assured confidence you inspired that success .. each and everyone of you.
I know my family keeps me going and grounded here while they help me fly at the same time.. so thank you.
Friday, May 29, 2009, 10:28 AM
I don't get discouraged by the weight loss of others at all. However, I do get very discouraged when I hear of someone who worked hard to lose unwanted weight and then gained it back. It makes me wonder if it's worth even trying to lose weight if it's so hard to maintain that loss.
Friday, May 29, 2009, 3:33 PM
3:33.. I have maintained my 165 pound loss for 8 years now an now I am back releasing the rest to be as healthy as I can be.
since that I have released 41 more pounds since joining PT..a nd now I am going on to release 44 more pounds to reach my goal weight of 135. so I can definately say its worth it.. starting at 370 pounds.. worked my way on my own to 220. than I joined PT and I am now 179 and I will keep going.. so don't give up.. if your dedicated and work hard and have a plan and take action. you CAN maintain weight loss.
keep believing in yourself and go for it! your worth it.. we all are.
thanks My PT family..
Saturday, May 30, 2009, 5:56 PM
5/29, 3:33pm - it is absolutely worth it! And once you wrap your head around the idea that this is life, not a temporary means to an end, maintaining becomes less work. It just is. But that's not to say you may not have ups and downs. The key is to catch it before those 5 pounds become 50 pounds. Don't let fear of failing stand in your way.
Saturday, May 30, 2009, 9:20 PM
Not so much weight loss success...
But I have been discouraged as to success of others. While I have achieved many amazing things while being here on PEERTrainer - most notably me being a multi-marathon finisher. I'm very greatful for what others ave inspired to me to do and my mentors on PT for giving me the tools to succeed. And as such, I've took on the role of being a mentor to up-and-coming distance runners who are looking to accomplishing their first marathons.
The discouraging part is when they report back from a race they've recently completed, and the net finishing time is way faster than my previous marathon times. While I know I have to train better and just get faster overall, I'm happy to lend a helping hand out to others who're wanting to be a marathoner.
Just like me. =)
Sunday, May 31, 2009, 5:11 PM
5:11 - you have accomplished what the majority of the population will never attempt - you completed a marathon!! And not just one. THAT is amazing.
Comparing yourself to others (about anything) is a futile exercise. Someone always has to 'lose' - either you feel good b/c they 'lose'' or you feel worse b/c they 'win'. Celebrate your successes and the successes of others. Let it inspire you, but don't let it take away from what you've accomplished!
Sunday, May 31, 2009, 7:56 PM
Comparisons are odious.
The author Madeliene L'Engle says this in one of her books. I use it as a mantra in many areas of my life. When I start comparing to other people and getting down, I just say "comparisons are odious" in my mind. It is too simple for me to come up with counter-arguements to. Comparisons are odious!!
Monday, June 01, 2009, 8:46 AM
Comparisons are what?
lol - I had to look up 'odious' before I could agree :)
Monday, June 01, 2009, 3:05 PM
Self sabotage is a real thing
It's so true that sometimes we lose weight and then gradually and sometimes unconsciously regain it to fit in with a group or something...or sometimes it's just complacency that causes us to lose focus...i lost about 30lbs in 2006 and because there were people used to knowing me and loving me as a heavier person...some people flat out said that i looked "sick" or "bad" at a significantly smaller size....so...even though i felt great and more energetic and so much more confident...i gradually came off of my plan and went back to eating this and that and not exercising as much...and here i am...3 years later...with 35 pounds or more of weight gained...BACK TO SQUARE ZERO!
Strangely enough...some of those same people will now look at me and say "girl...you gained so much weight..what's going on"...and at first i began to feel so very depressed cause i was so angry that i let myself return to this weight....and now i have to start all over again...but...i'm really glad that i found this support...it really has been good so far...just started this journey again...once and for ALL...and I am really encouraged by all the sharing....i can't wait to share my own success of reaching my 50-55 pound weight loss goal....and being able to run at least a 5k...thanks so much again to everyone....
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