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My husband ignores and avoids me

I started dating my husband a month after my 20th birthday. I'm 35 and we're still together. After the birth of my first daughter, who is now 3.5 and ESPECIALLY during the pregnancy of my second daughter who is now 2, he has totally ignored me. We used to go everywhere together. Now he leaves me at home and continues with his life as if he doesn't have children or a family. He's not going to bars. But he is staying late at work to surf the net, chat online, whatever, just so when he does get home we're all in bed. He plays sports all of the time: every Friday night, every Sunday morning. When he's not playing, he's watching. He leaves in the morning and doesn't come home until between 10 p.m. and 1 a.m. After both babies I needed to lose about 10 -15 pounds. But I'm telling you, this is really depressing, distressing - you name it - and now I'm up to needing to lose about 20 pounds and it's not getting better. Now tomorrow is Halloween. It's going to be beautiful here. And he won't give up volleyball (this is friendly match with old people) to go trick or treating with his children. Last year he said he forgot and left to go do something else. The girls showed up alll dressed up and excited to show daddy and of course... no daddy. It happens all of the time. I do EVERYTHING alone. What the hell is going on? Of course I've tried talking to him. What should I do?

Thu. Oct 30, 7:13pm

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Have you ever asked him to go into marriage therapy together?

Sounds like he still hasn't accepted the fact that he's a father, and that could be tied up with some sort of resentment towards you.

I hope you at least seek some counseling for yourself if he doesn't agree to it. It could help you get some perspective that doesn't involve blaming yourself when you shouldn't be.

Thursday, October 30, 2008, 7:29 PM

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Is it possible that he's going through some sort of mid-life crisis? Seems like you guys got married young so maybe he's having some sort of identity crisis? I know you said you tried to talk to him about it but you didn't mention what happens when you try to talk to him about it. Is he dismissive? Shut down? Argumentative? Defensive?

Maybe you guys can go to counseling? Or maybe he would be open to a weekly date night where you guys could reconnect and possibly talk openly with each other without the kids?

Thursday, October 30, 2008, 7:35 PM

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I'm not sure what to say I do not feel I am one to offer some advice that may steer you in the wrong direction because my heart broke reading your story and I am angry and sad for you,so I will just remember you in my prayers tonight and hope that someone here has good sound advice. Hang in there, your girls are so lucky to have you!

Thursday, October 30, 2008, 8:00 PM

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Don't worry...this is very typical of men. Very common are his actions. Just smack him in the head once in awhile and you'll be good to go!

Seriously. ;)

Thursday, October 30, 2008, 8:00 PM

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I'm sorry. That sucks.

This is not typical of men. He is seriously and completely checked out. If he wont' go with you, I would seek professional help on your own. It could be the best thing you do for yourself right now.

In the meantime, do you have anyone you can call upon to babysit so you can get out and exercise, go for a walk, anything that's just for you? What would happen if you just told your husband that at 6pm (or whenever he is for sure off work) you need him home b/c you're going to go workout?



Thursday, October 30, 2008, 9:36 PM

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When I try to talk to him about it he is dismissive and brushes me off. I got him to go out on Valentines day and he was a bitch about it the entire time. That was the last time we were together alone. So I've learned not to make him be a good person, this is something he has to do on his own. Do you think it's possible that he figures he can treat me anyway he wants and I'm not going to go anywhere? Afterall, we've been together for a long time. Dated forever, have been married 8. I've thought about moving out to wake him up, but I think this is a fantasy: I don't think it would wake him up, I think he might be happy. Been then, I think maybe this is a fear. To be honest, if I didn't have the girls, and if it was truly horrible, I would have been out of the door by now. But it's just an everyday heartache. And I wonder.. will anyone really benefit with my moving out?

Thursday, October 30, 2008, 10:42 PM

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Thank you

Thank you to all of you. You have no idea how much I appreciate your words and kindness.

Thursday, October 30, 2008, 10:45 PM

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why not - could you possibly be more alone than you are with him?

I don't mean to sound harsh there, but he sounds so checked out and unavailable, that what is his value except as a paycheck? He's not a father, he's not a husband, and he's barely a roomate based on what you describe.

It is entirely possible to be more lonely in a room full of people than by yourself, even more so when one of them vowed to love, cherish and protect you for the rest of your lives. Some of the lonliest moments in my life were in the company of my ex.

You are in my thoughts this evening and I am sending good wishes you way that all will work out for the best in the end whatever may happen.

Thursday, October 30, 2008, 11:32 PM

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OP - if this is what you're going to get and nothing more, then everyone is absolutely better off if you were to leave. You do your girls no favors by staying with a man who doesn't give you or them the time of day. Like the pp said - he is checked out in every way.

Moving out doesn't have to be the first step. If you can afford it, I would still seek out professional help and invite him along, but still go even if he doesn't. This will help you sort everything out and empower any decision you make so you can continually move forward in the best interests for everyone involved.

You're in my thoughts.



Friday, October 31, 2008, 8:22 AM

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Demand his attention...you may be being too nice.

Have a heartfelt talk with him...scream, cry, throw a motherf*&%!n tantrum...get his attention so that he knows that you STILL exist.

Otherwise...if this doesn't work....kick his tush to the curb!

Friday, October 31, 2008, 8:33 AM

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