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how important is sex in a relationship?
Okay ladies, I interested in how you all feel about this one. I have been dating my boyfriend for seven months, I am 25years old and when we met I felt like I finally found the right guy. I am very much in love with him and could see him fathering my children, but there's one catch (why does there always have to be the catch) our sex life is okay. We started off having great sex and at this point itis not as exciting. I faked a few orgasms the last few times, and if I really look back I haven't had an orgasm in 2 months! He makes me feel good but I am not really turned on like I used to be.
He sexy but he like to be funny and is taking his playfulness into the bedroom where I would just like him to be more seroius. I've tried to tell him but he makes a joke.
Any suggestions or personal experiences you might share with me, I really want this guy to be around forever. I hate feeling this way.
Fri. Mar 3, 10:09am
If you want him to be around forever, your going to need to start talking to him. Just tell him what you want in terms of a suggestion. i e whatever behaviour he does but you don't like, suggest the opposite without critizing him. If you read any cosmo mag they help you with these things. You need to start a conversation like " what would make you happier in our sex life" " is there anything different you'd like to do" etc. That way ifyou ask him, then there is no need for you to not chime in or for him to ask you himself! Just be honest, because if you can't bring it up with him, you probably dont have as good as a relationship as you think you do. Best of luck
Friday, March 03, 2006, 10:24 AM
For goodness' sake, quit faking orgasms!! How is he supposed to know whether or not something is working for you if you aren't honest?? This isn't his fault, it's yours! Tell him what you want. And don't act like something is working for you if it just isn't, because then he is going to conclude that you don't KNOW what you want.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 10:28 AM
wait a sec
let me clarify, I don't fake all the orgasms, in the last say 10 times we've had sex I faked 2 because I felt bad for him and I remeber one of those times I really just wanted to go to sleep. I have talked to him and approached the situation like you have both suggested but he just makes a joke, the other night I got upset with him for the first time but I told muself to calm down and let it go. Listen to what happened.....(this gets personal)..stop reading if you don't want the extra info....
We didn't have condoms so I went down on him, something which he doesn't do in my case (which kinda sucks but I can get over it) after a good 20 minutes and a neck cramp, he was like well let me use you vibrator on you. I have a vibrator but I honestly don't use it ever, it was a gag gift. He took it out and proceeded to try to use it on me, every one in a while he chuckled and I said,"stop laughing, it's making me hard to focus why are you laughing?" Then after 20 minutes of this I finally said "stop this isn't working!" and I took the think from his hand and threw it on the floor and ran out the room. He said"come back here, let me try it again." But at that point I was like forget it, and then we both just got ready for work and that was it.
I kind of felt hurt because sometimes it's like he thinks it's mission impossible to get me to have an orgasm, but it's not. I have had boyfriends in the past who soul purpose in the bedroom was to make me have an excellent time. It also doesn't provide that "close" feeling you share after a great sexual experience.
Then last night we started to have sex and he came in a matter of 15 min. and said he was sorry, then tried to put on another condom but it didn't work, so I gave up this time just got off him and laid there to see what he would do, and he touched me a little and I got up after a while cause I could tell it wasn't going anywhere from there, last night I was real pissed but I didn't say much and went to bed.
Hey ladies I know this is peer trainer and not sex and the city, but I don't have many girlfriends. I am trying to stay fit and healthy and I am thankful for your support.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 10:58 AM
This early on your relationship I say sex does matter. If it is not working now, it probably never will. I believe that sex is very important. I have been with my husband now for 15 years, and we have our ups and downs in the bedroom, but I know that when it isn't going well it will get better. I let it go because we have a history togethe - we have kids together - and having him in my life is more important than having him in my bedroom.
However, if I were at the start of my relationship and it wasn't working in the bedroom - if we were not a fit, then I would tell him so and ask tell him that if you guys want to try and work on it, great, but if not, then you're out of there.
Of course, in the good ol' days - supposedly - people didn't have sex before they were married so you never knew. Of course in those days the woman's job was to please the man and the man could have as much pleasing from as many women as he wanted.
But it's not those days anymore. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Don't stay with the guy just because you told yourself "he's the one." There are lots of "ones" out there.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 11:05 AM
I agree with the above poster.
If you stay with him and the situation won't work itself out, it won't be a matter of having a relationship in which sex just isn't that important, it will become a source of emotional hurt and resentment and it will sour other aspects of the relationship.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 11:28 AM
I was with my ex husband for 29 years and never had a orgasm. He never asked me if I did. We had great sex but I never felt satisfied. I finally left him and I'm now with a wonderful man who makes me feel forfilled. The first time we made love he asked me if I had a orgasm which I did but nobody has ever asked me that before I thought it was kind of strange. My new husband is my best friend, we talk about everything. To me it sounds like you have to please him and not the other way around. Try new things. Dress up for him etc. In my past relationship that's all we had between us was sex we never talked or anything. Sit down and have a heart to heart talk if he won't do it then he's not worth it.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 11:46 AM
Step back and look at this in the context of the rest of the relationship.
The fact is, he's either not concerned about your satisfaction or he's both ignorant and uncomfortable talking about sex. Guys tend to not want to admit they don't already know everything about it, so that's a possibility.
So look at other situations: Is he in general generous and considerate to you, or are you brushing little annoyances under the rug all the time? In general, how does he act if he doesn't know something? In general, how would you rate his psychological comfort with sensuality and sexuality?
Sex is important for itself, and also because when it is NOT working it can tell you something about the rest of the relationship. There are many inconsiderate things a partner can do that you can pretend not to notice for a long time, but it will stand right out in the bedroom, for instance.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 11:50 AM
wow thats a good point thank you so much!! You guys are good
Friday, March 03, 2006, 12:10 PM
Another thing to consider is that 80% (or so I read) cannot have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation, so it sucks (no pun intended) that he won't go down on you.
But they DO have these toys called "Little Butterflies" that you can attach to the clitoral area so while he's penetrating you you can get stimulation there at the same time, and VASTLY increase the likelihood of having one, or maybe a few, lol.
Keep us posted, we can be your PT Sex and the City!
Friday, March 03, 2006, 12:44 PM
The original poster wrote that they "didn't have condoms so I went down on him, something which he doesn't do in my case (which kinda sucks but I can get over it)" This is a MAJOR problem, in my opinion. You shouldn't have to "get over it." There should be no taboo around oral sex. You two should watch the movie "Kinsey," in which this point is made. Also, there should NEVER be a double standard in a relationship: you'll do something for him that he won't do for you. Like someone else said, there are lots of others out there who would be more respectful of you and your needs.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 12:45 PM
I totally disagree with the last poster. It's not healthy in any way to REQUIRE someone else to do something they don't want to do. What if your bf liked you to anally penetrate him but you don't like to be anally penetrated yourself? What if one partner likes to be spanked but the other one doesn't? Not everything needs to be tit-for-tat reciprocal -- but couples do need to work around each other's preferences.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 1:06 PM
I'd just like to add in a point about him not going down on you.... that’s complete garbage... I think its disrespectful and flat out ludicrous that you go down on him and not you... I don’t know if he expects you to go down on him, but for pity sakes, I think its wrong to not reciprocate like that. It can bleed over into other aspects of your life, I’d be very distressed if he wants you to do something, but won’t do it himself. I’d be flat out alarmed. Red FLAG!
Friday, March 03, 2006, 1:22 PM
I don't think that it's required for him to go down on you, especially if you're ok with that...but why are you ok with that? I've dated one guy who would t do it (and he had a really good reason, sexual abuse) but barring that why wont he do it? Not as a tit for tat thing but as an openess and a pleasure thing.
Its also VERY disturbign that youve faked orgasms...please, for your sexual satisfaction, dont do it ever again... If you're not coming, he needs to know, if you want to sleep in setad of have sex, he needs to know. It soundts to me like you need to have a serious conversation about this outside of the bedroom. and if he jokes about it, which he might because its uncomfortable, its ok, as long as you steeer him and the conversation back to where it needs to be with the seriousness this situation deserves...good luck! :D
Friday, March 03, 2006, 1:24 PM
I have never met a man (in bed) who did not enjoy oral sex in both directions ... he might be afraid he doesn't do it well ... in which case you can very easily teach him! his joking around might also be a sign of insecurity.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 1:27 PM
Well I think sex is very important in a relationship. Now I don't think it is the most important thing, but if there are problems in the bedroom, then it is going to affect the relationship. Now if you were in a relationship and you were not having sex at all for personal or religious reasons, then I think that is another matter entirely, but if you are having sex and it is not going well, then, yes I do think it is a problem. First off all, (and this is just my own personal opinion, so don't get offended and just ignore me if you don't agree) I do not think it is right for one person to expect certian things from thier partner,but not be willing to give it in return(ex: oral sex).
Second if you have any problems, even small ones, in your relationship(they don't have to be about sex) then it can affect your sex life without you even being aware of it. So I would look into that also. If you don't feel comfortable talking openly about things that bother you in your relationship then how can you really express yourself sexually since it is all entertwined?
Third, there are always going to be ups and downs in the sexual part of your relationship. So many things can effect it, especially for women. I know while pregnant with my first child, I had no desire for sex whatsoever, but felt guilty and had "pity" sex for my husband. It caused a lot of strain on our relationship at the time, because I was too afraid to tell him that I just didn't want to. Now things are different and I have learned that to be completely honest about it all is the best way to go. After learning to communicate better it has only gotten better, two kids and 8 years of marriage have only made our sex life hotter:).
okay I'll stop here!
Friday, March 03, 2006, 1:29 PM
original poster here
hey everyone I just wanna say thank you, I feel like everyone has great imput. I totally believe in not faking the orgasms and and I only did it a few times, that being said he knows very well that it has been a while for me. I have seen Kinsey, and I agree that I shouldn't have to do it cause he's not either, I don't mind and I was thinking that if I was doing it he would find another way of doing something for me. I think I am part of the 80% that needs clitoral stimulation, and I am all about getting the toys thanks for that idea.
The funny thing ladies is that when we first started dating he went down on me a few times but I could tell his head was there but his fingers were doing the work, it was okay, but I could sense that he might now like it. He doesn't do this because he said he a germaphob, and trust me I know that the vagina is one of the cleanest places on the body but still, he has this thing with his face, he doesn't like anything on his skin or whatever. So thats the reason for that.
Up until now there is nothing wrong with our relationship, and sex was wild in the beginning, I'm talking up agaisnt the wall, he the most patient and understand guy, very caring and we have so much in common. I totally think that we will end up talking about this, next time the situation presents itself, I am a ver open person and I come from a family with three sister and a brother who let it all on the table whenever there is an issue. So I think thats the best thing for me to do. He told me that I don't have to go down on him if I don't want to, but I do it because I really care about him, and I kind of enjoy it, I think it is a power thing for me.
I agree I have never met a man that doesn't enjoy it, this is a first for me. I'll keep you all posted - Damn this could be the first ever peertrainer soap opera!!
Stay tuned girls!! ;D
Friday, March 03, 2006, 3:27 PM
There are always going to be ups and downs, that's what I've learned. I'm one of those 80%-ers too, and at first, my current fiance worked really hard to make sure that I got stimulation both places, and we both had a ton of fun! Then on occasion, he'd ask me to touch myself while we were having sex, which was very hot and also got the extra stimulation. Then over time, that became more and more frequent, and then routine, b/c it was "easier" than either of us working hard at it. But it also became way less exciting! So I got kind of disenchanted with our whole sex life. And after awhile, he noticed. Now we're working through it, experimenting with different things. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But the communication is open, which is what's really important. And it's getting better!
On a side note, my fiance also doesn't go down on me often, and we've talked about it. The reason, really, is me! After he's down there, I have no interest in kissing him, and even after an altoid I think it's kind of yucky. He gets really insulted that I don't like to kiss him, so that's why he doesn't do it often. But again, I wouldn't have known that if our communication wasn't open!
Friday, March 03, 2006, 3:55 PM
you definitely need to be honest about your feelings and bring this up w/ him (especially if you really do care about this man)-it doesn't matter if any of us think sex is important in a relationship, what matters is that YOU feel it is important in a relationship, and you aren't getting the best sex that you deserve! Tell him that you love his playfulness when you are socializing, playing sports, watching t.v. etc (whatever) but that it doesn't feel right for you in the bedroom.
And on a side note: really, if he is as much of a germophobe as you say, he wouldn't want to have his penis in YOUR mouth as the human mouth is one of the germiest places EVER. I think it is great that you enjoy going down on him, and I (am not judging you here) am sad for you that he won't reciprocate the favor. You could always suggest oral sex using dental dams (or a condom cut open) -that way, you could enjoy the sensation (and have fantastic orgasms!) and he could pleasure you w/o getting "messy". Girl, i'm just looking out for you . . .ask for oral sex! heck demand it!
also, you could try some role playing, a little light bondage (tie him up w/ scarves or have him tie you up), watch an erotic film together. the options to spice up your sex life w/ your love are endless, but first you need to have a talk with him. guys aren't always as intuitive as we want/expect them to be. i often think my boyfriend knows exactly what i'm thinking/feeling because he's incredible sensitive and emotional . . and then i remember, that i am dealing with a man either way. lying there, hoping he's going to figure out doesn't help, trust me i've been there (and cried myself to sleep over it), the only thing that will help is by being honest, but gentle with him. good luck, i really hope this works out for you!
Friday, March 03, 2006, 7:01 PM
WOW ! I can't believe you were able to fake a orgasm without him knowing My DH would know If I faked it . So I never even go there. If you really love this man and want to be with him I say do not let the sex stand in the way of your happiness. Its your orgasm so go get it GIrl even if it means you may have to do a little touching this will show him what you like and where you like it at.
Friday, March 03, 2006, 7:59 PM
In my experience....
Ok, since we're sharing! lol
I am physically UNABLE to have an orgasm without clitoral stimulation, and my BF is a VERY oral guy. Great, right?
Not really. I prefer penetration and how it feels, so I think I'm going to try that Little Butterfly thing. Ladies, I found one on www.pinkpussycat.com. Here's the description:
The Micro Butterfly (SE061707) (v-se-0617-07)
Soft, tiny and flexible, this micro-bullet vibrator gives you hands free clitoral stimulation. Adjustable "thong" design for maximum comfort and perfect placement. Powered by a quiet, powerful 3 AA interactive battery pack.
LOL I know, it seems weird. But I think $50 is worth it for a big O!
Also, I've tried that K-Y warming gel stuff- feels FANTASTIC when you put it on your clitoral area and touching yourself and he's penetrating. But then he can't go down on you, or his mouth will be tingling in a weird way! :)
Saturday, March 04, 2006, 9:52 AM
hey good point about your mouth being the germiest place, I should tell him that. Thanks guys you are all so helpful, like I said I will keep you posted we've both been working so we haven't seen eachother today definately tomorrow, I'll let you all know if anything comes up (no pun intended). :)
Saturday, March 04, 2006, 11:41 AM
so last night, we were together and he was being sweet, saying things like," I really want you to come, and tell me what feels good." I think he had a sense that it has been getting to me. Anyway we did it for a while, the whole time I am remember what you girls suggested, and he finally came and I didn't. I know he wanted to try other things but it was weird I just wasn't interested. After I got really sad and he asked me what was wrong and I almost started to cry. We probably said two words to eachother and then went to bed. I know that I have to talk to him about it, but last night I thought maybe he'd be smart enough to ask me what was wrong. From the sound of his breathing I could tell he didn't fall asleep right away, he must have been thinking about it.
Monday, March 06, 2006, 9:57 AM
Grrr-that is frustrating! really, since it doesn't sound like he is going to bring it directly (by saying "i want you to come" he really means "help, i have no clue what i'm doing"), you REALLY need too. Be gentle about it, but next time you are in the bedroom and he wants to get frisky, either lay ALL your cards out on the table (feels scary, but you will feel REALLY good once you get this all off your chest!) or something more subtle, like "this is what turns me on" and show him!! there is nothing wrong with using your hands (or his) to get yourself off! You probably weren't that into last night because you have a lot of pent up anger/hurt from the situation-you want him to understand the situation, but he's not going to w/o a talk. the longer you wait to talk to him about it the harder it will be, and the more obvious it will be to him that you've been steeping over it. As sweet as he was by "saying" he wanted you to come, and even though it may have seemed that he was having trouble sleeping too, it clearly doesn't matter to him as much as it does to you! Take control of the situation-it's your orgasm, and if you really want things to last with this man long term, your ability to orgasm w/ him, by him, from him (any which way-toys, penis, oral, hands etc) is going to be important. (can you imagine 5 years down the road not having orgasms? AHHH! the horror!). Good luck! Now go talk to him and report back!
Monday, March 06, 2006, 10:19 AM
I'm saying this to help...
You know... really the problem here now is you.. not to be mean.. but this guy is trying.. and you expect him to ask you what’s wrong?
You want to spend the rest of your life with someone you can't even talk to?? Smarten up girl. Men need to be told, they like being told, and they appreciate being told. I wouldn't be surprised if he was thinking more about the relationship then sex at the time before bed!
You need to talk about it before bed.. or have a complete training thing where it is specifically on instruction as opposed to one party getting off and the other being upset. Don't make it about getting off.. make it about the fact you are supposedly in love and want to be with each other!
I'd have to say that most of the pain and upset ness your having is purely your fault. He asks what would make you come in bed... he asks what’s wrong afterwards... you know he wants to try other things... I mean he's giving 110% here, and you keep pushing him away!
Don't put off talking to him about it. From my experience the chances of you making the choice to talk to him before he makes the choice to leave are very low. GO AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
Monday, March 06, 2006, 10:30 AM
To the OP.
The old "never go to bed mad" saying is true...
You shouldn't go to sleep if you have un-resolved issues... Obviously, you are feeling very sensitive about this issue, or you wouldn't be posting on PT about it, and you wouldn't be feeling like crying...
You definitely need to talk about it, or the hurt or resentment won't go away, and things will really deteriorate in your relationship...
Try doing this-- Pick a time (maybe on a weekend) when you are not rushed because of work or things to do.
Cook a good dinner or order some of your favorite foods, light some candles, have a glass of wine, put on your favorite "romance" music, light a fire, etc... and then have a good heart-to-heart about what is bothering you.... You need to let it out... but try not to be accusatory....
A few years back, my hubby & I attended a couples retreat for church (Marriage Encounter) and one of the things we learned there was a way of communicating... Setting some ground rules and then allowing ourselves to open up to each other and bare our souls.
One of the ground rules in the communications exercise was that we were to be aware that "Feelings are OKAY". You have the right to feel frustrated, sad, hurt, etc... THat's the way you feel. You are neither good or bad, right or wrong when it comes to how YOU feel.
The 2nd part of the exercise was that we would explain to our spouse WHY we feel that way, WITHOUT assigning "Blame" to the other person... We were to describe what our issue was, and how we felt in a way that the other person would "get it" without putting BLAME on the other person..
Instead of saying "YOU are making me feel this way", we would say: "I feel this way, when this happens...." Taking into consideration that if you feel mad, sad, resentment, etc. That is OKAY. That is just the way you feel.
We then try to give examples to put the other person in our shoes... WITHOUT assigning BLAME to the other person... Use examples to help him understand how YOU are FEELING... do NOT assign blame, but try to get him to step into your shoes and understand what you feel. i.e. don't say "YOU do this to me, You make me feel this way, etc."
Don't use terms like "You ALWAYS...."
For example: You may say "When I give you a BJ, but you do not want to reciprocate, I feel undesirable, dirty and unsexy. This is neither right nor wrong, this is how I feel."
To have him understand, you may give him a scenerio like the following.
I feel like someone who has taken the time to shop for the "perfect" birthday present and have given it to another person to make them happy and to fill them with joy. However, I feel as though in return, I've received a hand shake from someone who then runs to the sink and used hand sanitizer because they've received "germs" from my gift to them. The recipient seems to appreciate the gift, but has difficulty in reciprocating in the same way.
Third: When we did this exercise, we had to "Write down our feelings in a "Love letter" to the other person"--we had a time limit (15-20 minutes) and each got a pad of paper and wrote our our feelings to each other about our issues in a loving and caring manner.... Yes, this sounds hokey, but in many ways, it is very cleansing... You can "organize" your thoughts and then re-read them to see how it will sound to the other person... Then once the time is up, you give your letters to each other and read them through without speaking....Give yourselves a few minutes to absorb what you've said to each other, and THEN have a discussion....
Trust me, this really works--But you may want to start with a few more mundane topics before delving into the deeper issues...i.e. are you worried about work? about money? About other little things in your relationship?
Come up with a few questions (together) to "discuss" before you get into the deeper topic....
It is an exercise about trust and LOVE torwards each other. At the end of
the conversation, you can burn the papers or shred them, to symbolically put the issue to rest, but maybe you will learn some things about each other in the process...
Okay, I know, that may be an extreme, but the point I'm trying to make is that
you need to get him to understand how much you are hurting and feeling sad that he cannot share with you the "joy" you are sharing with him.
Talk to him about it... You are obviously feeling neglected and lonely or you would not have turned to a group of strangers to seek some advice....If you continue to let your hurt and sadness fester, it will eventually lead to you breaking up as a couple.
Think also about other issues that might affect his ability to talk to you about things-- Maybe he was brought up in a strict household, or he is just shy about talking about intimate details. Is he "less experienced" than you? Maybe there are deeper issues....
I hope that this is helpful!!!
Monday, March 06, 2006, 10:42 AM
your so right!!
Monday, March 06, 2006, 8:20 PM
op here again
wow thank you for the help and suggestions, I know I have to talk to him, I am just avoiding it in hopes that things might get better, but I will try to do this either tonight or by the end of the week depending on when I see him next.
Thank you so much.
Monday, March 06, 2006, 8:27 PM
I hope things are going better for you. I have read and reread your question and I guess I just would like to say this. Sex is an amazing thing, but it is not the be all and end all of a relationship. (in my opinion) My husband and i have a great sex life, but 75% of our life is talking, hanging out with our kids, cooking dinner, cleaning the house and so on............ We waited to have sex until we were married and it took us awhile to get it "just right", but after 9 years of marriage we are still having fun and learning more about each other. It just keeps getting better. If this guy has all the rest of the "package" you are looking for, I think the rest will come. Hope this helps, and again, this is just my opinion. Good luck to you!
Monday, March 06, 2006, 9:42 PM
so last night, we went to bed, no sex, he was really tired, and we talked a little, he made a joke and said that maybe he was so tired cause of all the wild sex we had the night before and i said, it wasn't wild for me. He then said, " I know, and I am gonna work on that, just know that I am thinking about you." So I sort of left it at that, I thought it was nice to know that he is thinking about me and I could hear him start to fall asleep so i did too. We'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 10:00 AM
have you read the book "Hot Sex and how to do it" by Tracey Cox. It totally transformed our sex life. it emphasizes masturbation, which we didn't really agree with, but it helped with everything else!!! We have been married for awhile but still refer to it for inspiration!!! :)
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 10:30 AM
i'm not trying to be mean here, but why do you keep leaving it alone?-that was a perfect opportunity to talk to him about what has been going on. Just because he's thinking about you doesn't mean it's going to fix the situation. Sex, love, relationships-all of that takes work! This is obviously in the forefront of your mind, be clear about it with him, it can only help! You keep saying in your posts that you "know I need to talk to him" and then "but". Yes, it is difficult to discuss this type of things with someone the first time you do, but after that it gets so easy! You can bring up concerns, desires, etc whenever you want because you will see that things get better in the bedroom w/ openness!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 5:05 PM
Suck it up, and talk to the man.
No one is stopping you, but you.
What happens if something happened to either of you, and you left that on the table. You'd regret it.
Don't live life in ifs and buts.
You're not just wasting time, you're wasting time spend in your life.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006, 5:20 PM
Maybe you should try something different. Spice up your sex life. Toys are great or if you are into such things a sex video might help. Try new places or times. Go on a date: movies, dancing, dinner, etc... You both just need to connect emotionally before you connect physically.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006, 9:51 AM
To the OP-I just want you to know that your post opened my eyes and I began to talk to my bf about all these things last night. He was totally receptive to it and it feels wonderful. I always thought these were issues that just didn't get talked about. I didn't want to hurt his ego. I don't know if this is how you feel too but I want you to know that talking makes it feel a TON better. I hope your bf is as open as mine was. Good luck!
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