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Sexless Marriage

I know that this is not SEXtrainer.com, :) however this is a place where we can seek support. And since those of us who battle with our weight also battle lack of self esteem, and lack of sex can further hinder these feelings, I though it might be somewhat appropriate.

Basically my husband hasn't touched me in over 1 1/2 years. It happened when I got pregnant - and even though the baby is now over a year old, he has no sex drive. He won't talk to me about it at all.

I feel like his best friend - his roomate - sometimes his maid and nanny. I have been so depressed because I constantly feel rejected. I'm scared to reach out to him because I know I'll be rejected again. No hugs, no holding hands. It's like every molecule in his body has been trained to stay as far away from me as possible.

I've lost 15 pounds in the past couple months, and even though I'm still overweight, I look good. I think I'm very beautiful, and with another 40 - 50 pounds off, I'll be turning heads for sure. I keep telling myself this because my first instinct is to think it's me, and we have learned that men really want to have sex with a beautiful woman - so if he doesn't want sex I must not be beautiful.

Anyway - ant men out there ever lost your sexual desire? WHY?

My husband will not see any kind of doctor and he can get an erection.

Anyway, thanks for reading.


Sat. Mar 25, 8:27am

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OP Quote "I keep telling myself this because my first instinct is to think it's me, and we have learned that men really want to have sex with a beautiful woman - so if he doesn't want sex I must not be beautiful. "

First off... Just because you are overweight does not mean that you are not beautiful. Second, just because he doesn't want to have sex at this time does not mean you are not beautiful. Please do not put yourself down. You do not have to be skinny to be beautiful. So men actually find skinny women a turn off.
Some men just have a very low sex drive and are not interested in Sex that much. Also some men have a mental block when it comes to having sex after there wives get pregnant/ or give birth.

There was just an article out this week on Asexual people. They don't care about sex, don't care about having sex.

I know its hard, not having the comforting feeling of husbands arms around you, whether sex is involved or not. My husband & I went throught a period of several months 8-9 with no sex. It took a while but I started asking questions, and come to find out he was mad about something that happened almost 25 years ago, before I met him. After having a major discussion about it, we where able to work it out, but I know it is still not out of his mind. A man's mind is complicated to say the least.
Good luck... hope to hear things improve.


Saturday, March 25, 2006, 8:51 AM

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Wish I could trade

my hubby wants it ALL the time, but not me. if we could do it only once a month that would be just fine w/ me.
on to you...make sure you feel good about yourself and you lose weight, exercise for yourself. may want to try a weekend get away or even a date night with just you and him, maybe go to a place you use to frequent before the little one came along.

good luck and don't lose faith, he'll come around.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 9:49 AM

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I think I have seen this type of situation on Dr. Phil. From what I remember he said that both parties have to want to make the effort to try and be intimate. I also went through pregnancy and a lot of nursing/pumping struggles and did not want anyone near me for a long while. Though before that even our frequency was scattered at best. It took about 8 months to solve the sore nips and get them back to normal, and another few months to relax about being touched or hugged.
To his credit he did try and got me some new toys. I would reccomend being extra sweet. Do more for you... pedicures, manicures (even at home)- massages... perfume... get yourself something sexy to wear around the house and or for bedtime... at the very least try and pamper yourself. Start with slowly brushing by him, softly bumping into him. See what happens.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 9:53 AM

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Tried for the date night thing. Got dressed up in a new black and pink pant suit, little pink high heels, perfect makeup. Asked his brother to watch the kids, and he agreed - but my husband wouldn't hear of his brother watching the kids for a couple of hours - "he's not a babysitter." So me, him, his brother and our two sons went out to eat together. Some romantic dinner, huh?

I mention at the dinner table that I would like to take up tennis again - his brother chimes in and says yeah, I've been meaning to pick it up again too. My husband says, "Yeah, we could go play tennis." Directing this comment to his brother, not me.

I have so much anger inside of me sometimes - his indifference and passivity is so hard to deal with. I wish he would talk to me, but that's not his way - and thats part of who he is and that's fine. I don't know, I keep remembering the good times and I just want to be there again. I've told him I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get us to that point, but in order to fix the problem I have to know what's causing it. Maybe he doen't know. But he won't really admit that there's a problem. I guess for him there isn't. He doesn't want sex and he doesn't get sex. Yep, no problem there. What's hard is that he has gone from having a very strong sex drive to having none.

I keep trying to hold out, to be understanding, to tell myself that it will be like it was before. I battle daily against the rejection and feel that I am losing. I was ignoring it for a long time, but I just can't anymore.



Saturday, March 25, 2006, 10:02 AM

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I suggest going to see a professional. I couldn't imagine standing for that type of garbage and if you are, you need back up. Go to individual counseling and they will no doubt suggest couples counseling. If he doesn’t want to go- which I would imagine he should, but if he doesn’t you; need to make him understand what’s going on. Do that for your new child, you both deserve better.

Saturday, March 25, 2006, 11:39 AM

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