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Boyfriend & Self Esteem

I’ve been thinking about my weight issues and I think it has a lot to do with my self esteem. Before I met my BF (1 ½ years ago) I was very confident and felt that I was an attractive person. Lately (past year), I haven’t been feeling that confidence and am wondering if my BF could unknowingly be contributing to my lack of self esteem. Since we’ve been together he’s NEVER told me I was beautiful, pretty, smart, etc. The most he’s said was “you look nice”, if we’re going out. I’m not saying he doest think those things (I actually don’t even know), he’s never been the type of person to say that sort of stuff. I’ve mentioned it on several occasions and he basically says he’s not like that.

He does however buy me gifts, pays for almost everything, and has even given me incentives ($$ gifts) to loose weight. The incentives may sound superficial on his part, but it was more about giving me a challenge that I needed.

I know that we can’t rely on other people to make us feel good, but I would hope my BF thinks I’m sexy, beautiful, smart, etc. and when he doesn’t say those things it makes me feel like I’m not any of those things. There are so many times that I wish he didn’t buy me that gift and instead just pay me a nice complement. Sometimes I think I’d feel better about myself with out him. Thanks for listening.


Tue. Mar 28, 6:26pm

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Hey, your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy to me -- congrats on finding one like that. If he gives you a gift, that is his way of paying you a compliment. Not everyone does it in the same way! And he wouldn't stick with you if he didn't think you had some excellent qualities.

SELF-esteem is just that; no-one else can give it to you. Take control and list those good qualities: pretty, smart, fun, whatever... and I mean LIST them, in EYELINER, on the MIRROR, just above where your face is when you stand there. Then smile. :-)

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 7:02 PM

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Have you ever told him how you feel? Give him a chance. If you're really happy with him in every way other than how he expresses his support for you, then the issue is definitely yours, like the last poster said. And maybe all you need to do is tell him, "I appreciate the gifts but it would mean more to me if you complimented me instead." If there are other reasons you're unhappy with him, then focus on your relationship as one issue and your weight as a separate issue.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 7:08 PM

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Have you read The 5 Love Languages? Seriously, one love language is giving gifts. Others are acts of service, touch/feel and so on. I think the more important thing is how he treats you and if he really loves you.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 7:34 PM

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OP here, we definitely have more issues. I asked him if he loves me and he said “I don’t know, I’m not sure I’m capable of loving someone”. He’s an emotionless person.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 7:37 PM

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my bf does that too. we broke up over a yr ago after a 1 and 1 month, and ever since we got back together he wont say it, or maybe once in a blue moon, but when i ask he says he doesnt know what love means. it really hurts to tell you the truth. why are we together if you dont love me. it makes me really wonder about the future, if i should break it off because it's not going anywhere? we are both at a pt (almost done with school) that soon with in a few years it's time to settle down, but i have a feeling he might never be ready. its a terriable feeling, i love him, but i need to look out for myself too

Tuesday, March 28, 2006, 8:09 PM

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