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Anybody Have a Hard Time Due to People Holding a Grudge On You?

It's so hard to hold everything together when there are people in my family who won't talk to me or look at me because of something that happened 32 years ago.

First, I thought it was because I started dating someone of another race and religion. He turned out to be a really bad guy. Besides trying to put me on the street, and beating me terribly when I refused and fought back, he turned out to be a serious criminal. I ran away from him many times but he kept finding me, beating me, and bringing me back. On several different occasions he broke my foot, my leg, my hand, 2 of my teeth and my nose.

I don't know if there was such a thing as a battered woman shelter back then because I never heard of it. And my family wouldn't help me. Whenever I called them for help, they hung up on me. Like it was my own fault I was a victim. Even the police wouldn't help me because they said it was a "domestic issue" and they didn't get involved in those things back then.

To get completely away from the situation, I ended up writing a lot of bad checks at places that let me get cash back so I could buy a bus ticket, and I went as far away as I could get. Then I cut my hair and dyed it and started eating a lot so I would gain weight. I moved around a little at first and worked in restaurants because I could work for cash and tips and eat for free. After about a year I had gained 65 lbs and looked so totally different that I wasn't afraid anymore. I moved one more time, ending up more than 1000 miles away from my home town. And started using my own name again, went to school, got a job, etc... Never saw or heard from the bad guy again. After about 5 years I contacted my parents again and they talked to me, but didn't seem happy about it. My siblings refused to communicate with me.

Here we are 32 years later and my parents talk to me but my siblings act as if they never had an older sister. When I bring my children & grandchildren to see my aging and very ill parents, my siblings stay away. And when "the family" goes out to dinner while we are in town, we aren't invited because it would upset my siblings. My parents must defer to my siblings.

Now when I called yesterday to wish my dad a happy father's day, I was told by my parents that they are still upset with me because I was so "under serious drugs" that I stole from everyone to get "a fix". I was never on drugs. Except the ones prescribed by a doctor for sinus infections, etc. Antibiotics that you take for 10 days. Or the occasional aspirins for a headache. And the incidents of theft they mentioned to me are absurd. I wasn't even still living in their state at the time they say the thefts took place. And when I was living in their state, I had never been to the locations where they say the thefts occurred.

So yes, I got fat on purpose. Then several years later I had a baby and of course gained weight with the pregnancy. So for decades I've been hefty and finally decided I have to get height/weight proportionate and try to be healthy again so I can spend quality time with my children and grandchildren. But with all this crap coming at me from my "first" family, and knowing they are holding serious grudges against me for not only being a victim of domestic violence by a terrible person in general, but for things I didn't even do -- how am I supposed to focus on taking care of me?

Mon. Jun 21, 10:53am

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Not sure what you want to hear!

Well obviously I dont know you .....I am only picking up on what I am reading. First of all it sounds like youmay be in denial of what really took place. For a parent to "cut you off" like you say they have,,,you must have done some pretty awful things! So much so that they finally just threw up their hands and said "thats it, enough!" As a parent I could not see myself banning my children unless I was COMPLETELY at wits end. I do not agreee with bi racial relationships personally but I certainly WOULD NOT be upset with my child so much that I stopped all contact with him/her. I may disagree but would try to have an open mind and get to know the person before judging the realtionship. Now you are older and want the realtinship, but they are hesitant. I am truly sorry you were beaten, but perhaps your parents sensed the trouble in this man and tried to tell you, but you did not listen! And also, just reading the things you have been through and the life you led, it does sound to me like there were drugs involved WAY beyond the antibiotics.....I have known several people who remind me of you and your story. Iwould suggest being honest w ith yourself first of all and work on the realtionship with the family.
Best of luck!

Monday, June 21, 2010, 12:11 PM

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Wow PP, you obviously know nothing about the race relations, segregation and integration issues of the 1970s. Most people on both sides went apeshit when their daughters dated out of their race. A lot couldn't abide inter-religious dating either.

Though I can certainly see how someone in this situation might start drinking or using drugs, for you to say that a person MUST have been on drugs and should be honest with herself, well that is just an unfair leap at a conclusion. Being abused does not mean the person is on drugs.

Anybody could make a mistake in dating the wrong person. At first almost everybody is on best behavior. The really wicked ones don't show their true selves until the other person is so hooked and so dependent that there's literally no way out. And this has nothing to do with race. There are evil people of all races and religions. Though the alienation that the abuser depends on comes quickly with racial/religious differences that the family can't tolerate or accept. Once he has the family and friends out of the way, he can do whatever he wants.

Monday, June 21, 2010, 1:24 PM

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She wants opinions..I gave her mine! And I am well aware of how things were in the 1970's. I'm just saying it sounds like she must have really done some bad things for her parents to shut her out like that! I wish her all the best!

Monday, June 21, 2010, 1:39 PM

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12:11--I haven't spoken to my parents or sister in almost 2 years because my husband and I disagreed with my mom's politics. That's all it took. Oh, and she disowned her sister for 11 years because she bought their mother's headstone and put what she wanted on it, not what my mother wanted on it.

Here's my tough love opinion OP: life sucks. You were in a bad situation and did what you had to do to get out of it. You know have a family and a life of your own. Screw them! Move on and be the best wife and mother and person you can be. They don't deserve you.

Monday, June 21, 2010, 1:47 PM

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I do know that people get tired of helping those who do not seem to help themselves. Why help someone get away from an abusive BF when they run right back to him and then turn around and bad mouth you? But the second he gets angry again - where do they turn? After years and years of watching someone make a mess of their life and constantly wanting you to pick up the pieces and then dropping them all again - it's just less painful to stop watching.

If that sounds familiar - that may be why your family avoids you. If not, then I'm sorry but you won the bad family lottery.

In either case the strategy is the same. Take control of your life and make it the best it can be.

Keep moving forward taking positive steps. If the chance comes where you can try to do some fence-mending, then do so, but you may also have to accept that your family may have a hard time with the healthy new 'you' and show them over time that you've made healthy changes.

Monday, June 21, 2010, 2:04 PM

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