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OT: Unhappy Husband

Sunday is my one-year wedding anniversary and I can honestly say it hasn't been the greatest year. In fact, it's actually been kind of rough dealing with my husband, who seems to be so unhappy and dissatisfied.

We have a nice life. We both have jobs although his is more demanding for slightly less money. As a VERY generous gift, my parents bought us a house, so we don't have to pay mortgage or rent. Every, single, day he calls me at work complaining about his job, about money and talks about how he wants us to apply for jobs in his hometown. I've applied for so many jobs, and so has he, but he doesn't see that even if we move, and he makes more money, we will have to pay rent, or mortgage, and we might even have less money at the end of the month.

I'm so tired of his unhappiness. I need help.


Wed. Aug 4, 3:26pm

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Have you addressed this with him?
Why is it ok for him to call you at work on a daily basis (essentially to whine)? To me this seems disrespectful of the demands on your time.
Does he know specifically what makes him unhappy? or would any job that is not in his mythically perfect hometown do it?

What makes YOU happy? Isn't this just as important? if not - why not?

I'm not saying his gripes are invalid, but the level of maturity he's showing is appalling. Also - you are not responsible for making him happy. He's supposed to handle that for the health of the marriage (as are you - miserable people make miserable marriages, and happy people don't dump the burden of their emotional health on others). What he's doing isn't fair.

When you find a solution that makes you both happy - that's the right one. But if he's just basically miserable, then consider if anything will make him happy or if it'll just be the same situation in a different location within 6 months. Becacuse maybe I'm reading this wrong, but he comes across as very childish and self-centered. That's not going to change no matter where you move. Everyone will always be 'picking on him', he'll never get the job he feels he deserves, he'll always be working too hard, and his job will always be more demanding than yours because that's how he perceives things.

So my advice would be to stop being so nice (and I'm assuming you are because I would have started hanging up on him months ago) and start asking what he would like the outcome of a given situation to be and how he's going to acheive it. Don't get into blame, fault or finger-pointing - just point out that this is the situation now and what would the desired outcome look like?

Good luck! BTW - I agree that you have a great situation, but if it's truly not right (and you agree with him), then my advice still applies. Methodically plan where you both want to be in a few years and the steps you are going to take to get there. Have plan A (get jobs there), B (go back to school for something that's more in demand there) and C (mooch off his family ;-) ) if necessary.



Wednesday, August 04, 2010, 4:12 PM

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I'm sorry your first year has been hard! Mine was too! But each year since has only gotten better.

Have you talked to him specifically about why he is unhappy and dissatisfied? What is it about his hometown that he thinks will make him happier?

I have learned that one of the things that a man needs most is to feel respected. Maybe he thinks that if he makes more money or has a higher position at work, he will be more respected. The respect he needs most however, is from you! I'm sure you do respect him, but why don't you make a list of some ways to show/tell him that you respect him. Try one tonight, and maybe two tomorrow!

If you make a habit of showing him respect, the result will be a happier, more confident husband. A happier you too, because he'll want to respond positively back to you, showing you his love!

Best wishes to you!

--By the way, I heard some good advice for dealing with conflict in marriage, and it went something like this-- 'Who should make the first move to reconciliation? Whoever is more mature.' :)

Wednesday, August 04, 2010, 4:47 PM

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It sounds like your husband is depressed. Hating your job can take so much out of a person. But like you say, there is no guarantee that a new job will suddenly make things better.

Two questions:

1. Why do you think you will have to pay rent or a mortgage if you move? If your parents gave you the house, is it not yours to sell? Wouldn't you be able to buy something else?

2. Why do you have to move? What makes him (or you) think moving to his home town will be better? If it truly is the job, can't he look for something in the same area so you wouldn't have to move?


Wednesday, August 04, 2010, 5:06 PM

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Your husband sounds homesick.

You guys need to sit down together and talk about what you want for the future in concrete terms -- it might be that you want different things, in which case both of you will have to reach a compromise -- set realistic goals, and make a practical plan that will allow you as a couple to reach those goals.

Second, it sounds as if he has slipped into the habit of whining without even realizing that he has done it. If there is a gentle way to point this out, he might feel better for it, too -- it does tend to get one's thinking in a bad loop.

If you don't want him to call you at work, you might have to remind him to respect you and your job. (I did have one bf on whom this did not work -- and I fired him from the bf position.) If you do want him to call you at work but be more positive, you might ask for his help cheering you up and cheering you on. Remind him that he has the power to make your day better! And if he achieves that goal it will make his day better, too!



Wednesday, August 04, 2010, 9:27 PM

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He does sound a bit homesick. I can relate because I live far away from my home town to be with my husband. It really did take me a long time to adjust. It wasn't really until I was able to make some really good friends and find some activities/hobbies that I really enjoyed that I started to like living here. (though I tried really hard not to complain about it). Maybe help him by emphasizing all the good things that are unique about where you live now. And encourage him to take up some outside interests. Good luck!

Thursday, August 05, 2010, 3:32 PM

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Give the guy a break! Build him up!

Friday, August 06, 2010, 9:58 PM

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OP

Hey everyone! My husband is homesick -- and so am I. We're both dying to go home (we're from same state, but I'm so willing to move to his home town) and we've applied for a million jobs but nobody wants us. We talked it out and I told him to have patience, that it will happen when it's supposed to happen.

Thanks for all the advice!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010, 4:41 PM

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Also lets not forget the golden rule: the first five years are known as The battle Zone. I have been married 3 this next May and we are happier than ever. Our first year was truly hell though. Constantly fighting and bickering. We got through it one fight at a time and it has made us stronger. Everyone goes through a period of home sickness to a degree. It gets better with time. Just remember, you are still within your first year or two which are definitely the toughest. Hang in there and be supportive. You'll work it out.

Thursday, August 19, 2010, 11:05 PM

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