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Trust...OT

Do any of you have trust issues? I have a nice boyfriend but for some reason I just can't seem to trust him. He has an ex-wife and two children. Anytime he has to do anything with her, I get totally untrusting. I start to wonder what may be going on, etc. I am not sure why I feel that way. I don't know of anytime he has ever cheated. He did once tell me he and his ex were going out to dinner to talk about their daughters b-day party planning and I later found out he had asked her to go to the movies too. Is that enough? Maybe thats what I am holding onto. Any advice? Is this a counceling issue?

Tue. May 16, 4:40pm

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have you had trust issue in the past w/ previous relationships? did something happen in a previous relationship that would make you not trust people or men in general? do you trust your friends and family?

I would look into some of the answers to these questions and if you can't find something in your past that makes you distrusting in general then i would evaluate you current relationship.

sometimes we have intuition and just know when something is going on. other times we are way off w/ our speculation because the trust issue is about us, not them.

good luck-i hope everything really is okay w/ your guy!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006, 4:50 PM

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I know I'm gonna get blasted for this, but I don't generally date guys with kids/ ex wives for this reason. They loved the woman enough to marry her, she is the mother or his children. That's hard to compete with. There's a lot of happy memories with her, and you probably haven't made that many with him yet.

Fact is you will have to put up with her and that connectio between the two of them for as long as your with the guy. There are nice guys out there without that much baggage. Go find one of them..

And yes, I think inviting her to a movie is innappropriate and inconsiderate to you.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006, 5:02 PM

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As an ex-wife, I have to say, my ex-husband and I have only gone out to eat once or twice to discuss issues having to do with our daughter. NEVER did we do any kind of date-like activity like a movie. That is not appropriate for him to do when he has a girlfriend. I think you have a right to be upset about that, and I don't blame you for being suspicious that he still has feelings for her. I do think counseling is great. If he won't go with you, go by yourself (but if he won't go, I think that tells you something right off the bat).

Tuesday, May 16, 2006, 6:05 PM

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Do you think its important that the ex-wife knows he has a new (1 Year) girlfriend?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006, 10:38 AM

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Do you think the ex is going to really care if he has a new gf? It's not her responsiblity to care how you feel, it is HIS responsibility.

That being said, I was seeing (really more like sleeping with...) a guy with an ex wife, and she knew about me after about 2 weeks. So I think there's a REAL problem if he hasn't told her- because it's his job to make his position clear. I'd never date a guy who wasn't willing to tell ANYONE who asked, that he was seeing me.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006, 2:31 PM

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I guess thats just more of the trust issue. I went to one of his games once when we were first dating. They ended up having a huge arguemnt anyway because she felt that he disrespected her by bringing his new girlfriend there. At the time he told her we were just friends. I don't know what he tells her now.

I am starting to think I may be too young for this type of relationship. Maybe I need to be more secure with myself to handle this.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006, 2:43 PM

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From everything you've posted so far I don't think 'you're' the one that's too young for this relationship.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006, 4:36 PM

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I wouldn't say you're too young, but you're probably not prepared to deal with someone with that kinda baggage. And you don't have to be. Drop him and find a new guy. Don't fall for the "But I love him" "I won't find another guy" "but he really is a good guy" or any other excuse that starts with a "but". Simply drop him and move on. Time with mr. right-now, is not time looking for Mr. ALL Right.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006, 5:57 PM

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OP.

I decided to call it off last night. Just don't think I am ready for everything that a life with him would entail. I am a little sad today because of a year of time that I can't get back. Any encouraging words? Also, I am afraid he is going to come asking for me to take him back, what can I do to be strong?

Friday, May 19, 2006, 9:11 AM

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I'm glad you dumped him. A ex wife here and I'm with a man who is also divorced. We both have kids which are in their 20s but neither one of our ex's every call which I'm glad lol. There is alot more single men with no baggage out their. If you are only sad I guess you really didn't love him. Cause if you loved him you would be heart broken. Never give up Mr. Right could live next door. Chin up, keep smiling.

Friday, May 19, 2006, 10:25 AM

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I had a boyfriend for 3 years, and I knew in the back of my head that there were things about him that I couldn't deal with forever. But we had a ton of fun and he treated me well, etc. So any time we'd break up, I'd end up back with him. It finally took a decision on my part to leave - I looked for a job in a different city and moved (it happened to correspond with the end of college, but we had planned to stay in the same city together afterwards). I knew it was the only way that we'd break up for real, and until we did, I knew I had no chance of finding the right guy. Now, 2 years later, I'm engaged, and about to marry the right guy in September!

I don't think you need to move, necessarily, to move on. You do need, however, to stop talking/communicating and try and be sure to not run into him. If you keep finding your way back to him or keep attached in any way, there's a good chance the cycle will continue. Break it off, and break it off completely. Do things for yourself. The rest will work itself out. But just think, if you're upset now about losing a year, if you continue to hang around him, you'll only lose more time! Don't lose 3 years like me; cut it off after this one.

Good luck!!!

Friday, May 19, 2006, 10:49 AM

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Thanks ladies. I think in a couple of days I will be heart broken. Right now I am finding it hard to believe that its over. We have broken up before and got back together. Its just this time, I don't want to waste anymore time. He already called to ask me to lunch and I declined. Its super hard though, a part of me wants to have him back and have all the fun we had together again. The other part knows that I cannot handle the stress of not being able to trust him. I wish there were a way to get past it but it doesn't seem to be the case.

Friday, May 19, 2006, 11:22 AM

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Its getting more difficult now. He was my best friend for the last year. We did almost everything together. Now I am thinking "what am I going to do this weekend". Sure I have so girl friends to hang out with but I am going to miss his company. =(

Friday, May 19, 2006, 4:12 PM

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I just called it quits with my boy toy, so I kinda understand where you're coming from with the "now what am I going to do with myself". Just make a lot of plans in advance to keep you busy, and so that if he calls to say are you free? You can honestly say "No."

You are going to miss him, it's gonna suck for a while, but it's really worth it.

Friday, May 19, 2006, 5:01 PM

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Okay heartbreak has set in...cried all day. =(

Saturday, May 20, 2006, 8:37 PM

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oh I've been there. It's awful and so so so hard but you know in your heart that it will all be worth the agony. Listen to me now and believe me later 'cause I have come to pump *clap* you *point* up. :)

One of the things that really helped me was to make a list of all the things I really enjoy doing and by forcing myself to get off the pity pot about doing them alone I began to truly feel the freedom in it. Go rollerblading and feel the wind in your hair... go to the movie and if t's awful, leave (or if it's wonderful, stay past the ending credits) go out for a cup of coffee and really look at the place and the people, smell the coffee, listen to the chatter (are you getting the idea yet?). I think there's a lot we don't experience in life when so much of our focus is on one other person. Also I found that being in so much pain made me more open to other people. Ask someone you don't know all that well about their worst break up. Everybody has a story and I'll bet most of them have a happy ending, mine does. :)

Congratulations for finding the strength to do the right thing. You will feel better. Until then cry all you want, breathe deeply and try to focus on the opportunity to get to know yourself better.

*hug*

Sunday, May 21, 2006, 1:12 AM

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Agg! I just keep wondering what he is doing and if he is as sad as I am. Haven't talked to him since Friday when I declined his lunch offer. Will see him tomorrow because we work close. I wish I had more to do to keep busy but family is in another state..guess I better make some more friends!!

Sunday, May 21, 2006, 1:51 PM

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Anyone have any ideas for staying strong when talking to an ex? We have to talk today and I don't want to be emotional or give into getting back together.

Monday, May 22, 2006, 10:40 AM

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accountability. Have a friend scheduled to call you after- a friend who will give you hell if you cave to the ex. that can be motivation enough to be strong.

Monday, May 22, 2006, 12:48 PM

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That's right! Get back here and post! ;-)



Monday, May 22, 2006, 4:21 PM

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Saw an article today that made me think of this thread. It's advice to folks who have broken up with someone that they may be running into frequently and how to cope. Posting the link here....

Link

Monday, May 22, 2006, 5:23 PM

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I sure wish I could "divvy up the places we go" unfortunatly we work right next door to eachother. We will see eachother everyday until one of us moves, which isnt going to be soon, as far as I know. Today sucked. I cried a couple times. Tried to hold it all in. He is still mad because I wouldnt have lunch Friday. I just want to be strong because I know he isn't the right guy for me.

Monday, May 22, 2006, 5:43 PM

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Great book to check out "How to Survive the loss of a love"or something like that, I think It's by Harville Hendricks. Had some great techniques that helped me stop thinking of "him." Also, get busy,busy,busy! Now is the time to focus on you and you alone! Work out, attend meetings, book lectures, anything that interests you, movies. Call up friends and old friends, get together. Sign up to volunteer for things, even temporarily. Download "I will survive" with Gloria Gaynor.

Don't see him, because you know he has sucked you in before. Let him be mad, just tell him it's just not possible to get together right now, you have no need to justify yourself. Go for it Girl!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006, 4:37 AM

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Here's a question:
Before breaking up, why didn't you guys try to come to a middle ground? Why not have asked him to tell his ex about you, and make sure that she knows how serious he is about you. Going to lunch or even a movie is not a big deal, he probably just feels comfortable with her. But more important is your feeling like you can't trust him. He needs to compromise with you and be willing to deal with uncomfortable situations with her so you can feel more at ease. As his GF, you have the right to be places she will be as well. He has to deal with it, and make her suck it up. Too bad if she's unhappy with it.
Now that he's trying to get you back, make your demands known. If you really loves you, he will make the effort, If he keeps making excuses, move on!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006, 1:00 PM

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I did talk to him about how I feel. He told me it was silly and I need to be more secure with myself. Part of me thinks he is right, the other part thinks he needs to give some too. I was a little mad about the going to dinner with his ex but what realy put it over the edge was that he didn't tell me about the movie part. That's where the trust is lost. If you are going to lie to me or hide things from me, how can you expect me to trust you? As much as it hurts right now, I know in my heart we aren't right for eachother. I miss him terribly but we are just in different places in our lives.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006, 1:44 PM

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who gives a flying f*ck if he loves you? From the little about him you've mentioned, he's disrespectful and uncourteous. People who truly love you are neither. There's lots of men out there who will love you. The goal is to find one you can love and you can trust- one who you adore and have no reservations about. This guy isn't the one, and the smartest thing to do is move on- not try to make things work with him. You've broken up before apparently he's not that interested in keeping you happy all the time.

Like I've said before, time wasted with Mr. Right-Now, is not time looking for Mr. Right. Mourn the loss, but go forward to better things.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006, 7:00 PM

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You said the key thing yourself, "I know in my heard he is not right for me."
Just keep repeating this to yourself. You deserve better and better is out there for you!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006, 6:04 AM

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Ok ladies, easy there. lol :)
The reason I said she should make some demands is it's not all time that you really connect with someone and share something special enough to feel they are your best friend, which is what she said. Us girls sometimes jump all over another girlfriend's guy's case whenever he makes her unhappy. That's ok. But a couple going through a rough patch doesn't mean things have to be over. They only have to be over if the OP feels it is, because there may be other things about him she doesn't like and can't get past. But a relationship can be worked on if both parties are interested in doing the work to get there.
OP: Both he and you are right. You may need to work on some insecurity issues, and (I guess for a future relationship) he needs to work on fully disclosing his actions so they don't look suspicious. It's definitely a two way street! But my guess is that him going to dinner and a movie with her was not the only thing that got your spidey senses tingling.
Stay strong, and good luck!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006, 8:36 AM

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You are both right. I love him but at the same time I know I deserve a man that adores me. Thats the hardest part of all this. We did connect and have been together for over a year. I know I can look past the ex issue but I think it will keep coming up. I just don't think I can handle it all, at this point in my life. This is probably the best time for me to work on me. I keep telling myself this but at the same time I have the urge to run back. I assume it will get better with time.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006, 9:02 AM

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OH YEAH! It will totally get better with time, have faith in that!
And good for you for taking this time to work on yourself. It's a lot easier to blame the other person for everything that went wrong.
You can take the road less travelled! :)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006, 11:05 AM

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Oh no! Now he wants to meet for lunch to give me some of my stuff back that I had at his place. I don't think I am strong enough for it yet. I may have to call and ask if we can do it on the weekend. I don't want to crumble and I know how his charm works. If I go I will tell him that I need to take some time to work on me. I need to stay strong and move on.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006, 11:47 AM

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Oh, it's the predictable ploy! Make an appointment to go by and do not go alone, take a friend with you, say "we're on our way to ____". That will keep you from any temptation. You can do it!

Thursday, May 25, 2006, 5:32 AM

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Tell him to leave it on the porch & pick it up when he's not there. I also like the take a buddy on the way to someplace else.

You do deserve better. It's his ex wife, he shouldn't be going to dinner & a movie w/her out of respect for his relationship w/you. If they need to discuss things do it over the phone or on the front porch of each other house or in the living room like most ex's. Dinner & a movie implys more to their relationship. They have history & a child. But it didn't sound like he even tried to see where you were coming from or offer to change what he knows bothers you. By staying with him you gave him the best of both worlds. By leaving you told him you don't come in second to the ex wife. Good for you. A year is long enough to know if you were going to marry him, it didn't sound like you wanted to marry him. So if you had stayed w/him you would be wasting your time, & maybe miss out on mister wonderful that may be just around the corner! Remember don't let a man become your entire world, keep your friends and family close so when you let a man go your world does not go w/him. I've been married 20 years & you have to hold onto yourself or you risk losing everything.

Monday, May 29, 2006, 6:32 PM

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Sounds like he may have some issues letting go and believes that everthing will work itself out just because you still feel for each other instead of actually trying to make any changes to his behavior. Bet he does this with the ex too.

Normally I am not one of the 'dump him' crowd, but from everything you've written this guy has problems with relationships and you are much healthier without him (although I know it hurts now). I am definitely in agreement that you may not be emotionally ready to be one-on-one with him, so the 'leave it on the porch' or 'take a friend' suggestions are great. Where do you live btw (city)?

Monday, May 29, 2006, 6:47 PM

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Trust O

You really need to try and have some confidence in yourself first. If you can gain some self confidence, you will be able to trust your boyfriend. If you do not try and do this, you will push him away from you, because he will eventually know you do not trust him.

Has he ever done anything for you to mistrust him?

Monday, May 29, 2006, 7:39 PM

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It's also possible if she had more self-confidence she never would have dated him in the first place ;-)

Monday, May 29, 2006, 9:15 PM

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Boyfriend and ex-wife

The year of time you can't get back can also be viewed as a year of schooling in "boyfriend 101" in which you learned some valuable lessons.

My own opinion is that dating a man with an ex-wife in the picture is ok, so long as there are clear boundries and he has made a clear commitment to you. His first priority though should always be his children, then girlfriend. (I am sure some of you will not agree--but this is my view)
Good luck. I am sorry you are feeling sad. Feel it and go through it, and try to move forward not backward.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006, 12:54 AM

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