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can men and women really be just friends?

this is a topic that is being discussed in another thread, but i wanted to bring it to the other readers' attention and get some feedback.

i happen to believe firmly that men and women can and do form friendships that are not stepping stones to something more. i am a woman and have many male friends with whom i have great, solid friendships. please share your thoughts. thanks!

Wed. Jun 21, 3:33pm

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I definitely think men and women can just be friends without the undercurrents of the man or woman wanting more than friendship. I am a female who works in a very male-dominated field so most of my frineds are guys, and I have certainly had the occasional problem of some guys wanting more, or believing that if they befriended me and waited long enough that one day I would fall madly in love with them. Sex does add a dynamic in that you must first establish that neither of you is looking for anything other than a friend. However once that bridge is crossed and both parties are on the same page, then friendship can commence.

That said, I don't mix friendship and romance - I'm after one or the other and I don't let the lines cross and I am very open and frank about it to guys who may be giving hints about wanting something more. When I met my husbnd I made it abundantly clear that I was not interested in 'just friends' ;-) Also it helps that when my husband met me we were in enginering school and I was one of two girls in my entire graduating class, so he completely understands that I don't often have the opportunity to make female friends and that I truly am 'one of the guys'. To make it in the field that I am in you kind of have to be, so that may explain why I have so many friendships with men and have no problems with it.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 3:58 PM

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I feel just the opposite. Men and women cannot be just friends. Atleast in a sense of women-women friends. Men and women can't go to movies togther, shopping together, hang ouot together, etc. and then expect no emotional relationship to develop. There is just something in people that makes them gravitate toward eachother. Especially when they start discussing problems in current relationships with eachother. It just gets messy and can lead to awkard situations.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 4:07 PM

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I think a woman can be friends with a guy if shes not at all sexually attracted to him, or if she is in a happy relationship with someone else.

It's all a matter of ladder theory.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 4:19 PM

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hmmm, I find your comments contradictory 4:07- of course friends will (and should) form an emotional bond to one another... otherwise they would just be aquantences that hang out.

As for the topic- I think men and women can be just friends. I have several male friends that I have had for years.... I did end up sleeping with one of them, but we weren't dating and we continue to be friends after the fling was over. My theory is, who better to have casual sex with then a good friend? Just don't sleep with all of them!

I noticed on the other thread someone's agrument was that it was impossible for a man to be friends with a woman because they are bound to have a sexual fantasy at one point or another about their female friend- I don't think that if a male has a fantasy that it means they are no longer friends with the female, or that he intends to sleep with her. I think the fantasy is just that- a fantasy.
Come on ladies- are you going to sit there and tell me you've never had a fantasy about a guy friend??? OK, so after this fantasy did you just have to act on it? No, of course not.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 4:25 PM

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I totally agree with the first two posters! I work in a male-dominated field and play an almost all-male sport, and practically everyone I meet is a guy. Heavens, I would hardly have any friends at all if men and women couldn't be friends.

And I TOTALLY disagree with the 4:07 poster that friendships are not emotional relationships! I have had (male) friends call me to talk about their romantic relationships, their problems with their parents, their frustrations at work, their depression problems/meds and other highly emotional issues. (Of course it's not all boo-hooing or we wouldn't be friends -- we go boating or running or whatever, too!)

Also, I'd add that many of my male friends are married. I have only once had a problem where a friend's wife was a little suspicious that something else might be going on -- and she was really sane about it and just asked.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 4:32 PM

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If both the man and woman are single I could see feelings involving more than just friends. Now if one is married, then the boundary should be set without having to say a word. Although there are many married people cheating out there.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 4:52 PM

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I've had many realtionships with men that were great friendships, but;
-one guy is gay
-one guy was totally in love with me but accepted unrequited status
-I was in love with another guy friend and hopeful way too long
-another was my old boyfriend
-finally, one was married to a dear friend

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 5:09 PM

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above poster - cut myself off too soon!

my point is that freindships between men and woman can be wonderful, but they are complex and defy definition. If there is no natural boundary to sexual invovlement, then it the attraction will be present, even if it isn't acted on.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 5:12 PM

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To the 4:07 poster, how can you have any meaningful friendship with a female without having an emotional relationship? You must have some very one sided friendships.

My ex-husband says that men and women cannot be friends because even if a man isn't attracted to the female to begin with eventually they want to sleep with her because he gets to know her on a different level other then sexual attraction.

I on the other hand I always thought that was bull. I have had a ton of male friends some for over 15 years. When we were younger we hung out all the time, saw movies together, etc. When girlfriends or boyfriends came into the picture they became part of the group. One is still my best and closest friend in the world, I tell him everything and vice versa. It doesn't matter if that we are both married with kids now. So yes, we of the opposite sex can have meaningful relationships without sex being involved, and he doesn't have to be gay.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 9:45 PM

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I don't think fantasy or "wanting to sleep with" someone precludes friendship. So the thought crossed your mind. It crossed. It didn't stop in the middle of the road and try to play chicken with a Mac truck.

There's a huge gap between having a thought and saying anything about it, never mind DOING anything about it. My best friend is a woman (I'm female) and occasionally (50th pair of shoes tried on?) the thought has crossed my mind that I wanted to smack her upside the head -- but you know, I wouldn't DO it. It's momentary frustration, and like a lot of other momentary urges, it passes and leaves the friendship intact.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006, 11:35 PM

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i think that men and women CAN be friends.

however, on saying that, i have to admit that every man that i have ever been close friends with i have either been interested in romantically or vice versa (they being interested in me). Some of these men i had no idea had a crush on me but it was revealed later down the road that at the peak of our friendships one of us had a big fat crush on the other! haha!

men and women can be friends . . .but someone might be wishing for something more . . .at least at one time during the friendship!

Thursday, June 22, 2006, 12:29 AM

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I think it's often unequal with male/female friendships. If the truth be known, often one or the other is hoping that eventually they will get together. As I've gotten older and married it's harder and harder to maintain friendships with my male friends unless they have gotten married and I liked their wives, and then we all became friends together with my husband too. It's just balanced. It just wouldn't work now for me to independently become friends with a man if my husband were excluded. But if you are single and in and out of relationships it can be tricky.

Thursday, June 22, 2006, 6:07 AM

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I'm thinking through the friendships I've had with men throughout my life and have to say that most of them were either with gay guys or guys with whom there was some type of attraction on one side of the relationship spurring the friendship on. I've had a number of more casual friendships with men where I've hung out with them but not developed a deeper friendship, but can't think of a single friendship I have with a man that was completely "just friends." Now that I'm married, maybe that will change.

Thursday, June 22, 2006, 8:56 AM

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i think men and women can be just friends just like gay men and women have heterosexual friends of the same gender and do not expect more. i think people who are looking for friendship find friendship and people who are seeking a partner to date make that known pretty quickly, too.

Thursday, June 22, 2006, 11:20 AM

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You all make very good points for both sides of When Harry Met Sally. I love this question. Upon reading all your posts, I quickly went through all my close friendships. I'm a woman. I have three best friends which at the moment are all long-distance friendships. Two are women. One is a guy I've had a crush on since three days after I met him over two years ago. I moved away last July, saw him around Christmas, and made out with him for the first time when I saw him last month. He knows how I feel about him and was honestly very worried that kissing or sex or whatever would ruin our friendship. We're still best friends and we continue to share with each other information about our dates or other people we meet or may be interested in. In a way (possibly because most of the emotion was on my side), I actually think that making out helped our friendship because now I think I finally understand that while he might find me attractive, feel close to me, etc, he will never want that exclusive relationship with me. His loss!

But also, I have other guy friends who are just that. Told one of them the other day that he's such a great guy that I often wish I "liked him" liked him. But that attraction just isn't there on either of our sides. So instead I get advice from him on guys I like, he gets advice from me on how to snag the girl he likes, and it really is just frienship.

I hope this wasn't too long winded for you all. I also don't think we'll ever truly answer this question, but it's fun to try!

Thursday, June 22, 2006, 4:42 PM

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if you are a woman, do you feel comfortable with a male gynecoligist?

Saturday, June 24, 2006, 9:32 PM

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Honestly, not if he was attractive. If he was cute, that'd just be weird. But if he was older, or just generally unattractive to me for whatever reason, I'm pretty sure I'd be okay with it. I prefer female docs, but I wouldn't be completely against having a male doctor. It's their job, it's not like they get turned on.

But, I couldn't have a friend as my gynecologist, male or female. If I thought we could be friends, get invited to BBQs at each others' houses, etc, I don't think I could have them as my podiatrist, let alone my gynecologist.

Saturday, June 24, 2006, 9:51 PM

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Same boat

I really like this thread because I am kind of in the same boat. I met somebody not too long ago and I think she is gorgeous, but the best thing about her is she is so funny she makes me laugh almost everytime she opens her mouth to say something and sometimes she doesn't even have to do that. I would love to be more than friends with her, but more importantly I would hate to lose a friend. The weird thing about it is that I can't really tell if she is in to me in a way that is more than friends or if that is all she is, is a really good friend. I guess I could just be patient but it drives me crazy sometimes thinking about it. It's a very heavy topic. I would also like any input, if anybody is willing. Did I mention she is really funny.


Saturday, June 24, 2006, 10:57 PM

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Ask her out!!! If she's anything at all like me, she's waiting for you to make a move. Sorry, stereotypical, but I want the guy to make the first move. If she's really a friend of yours, she'll let you know that she just doesn't think about you like that, and, hopefully, you can get back to being "just friends." But, seriously, ask her out!

Sunday, June 25, 2006, 12:03 AM

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I agree with the above poster. Ask her out. Since you haven't known her for too long I think it will be easier to move back to just friends if she's not thinking the same thing as you are. Sure, things might be akward for a little while, but it would be pretty easy to move on from at this point. If she's not into you like that then graciously accept it and move back to being just friends If she is thinking the same thing, they way to go! You have to give it a shot.

I've dated several guys who later told me that they were initially too scared to ask me out because they were sure I had a boyfriend or would not go out with them so they waited and waited. Sometimes you just have to take a risk, and sometimes those risks pay off. Of course, I don't know this girl, but I know that I wouldn't freak out and quit being friends with a guy I'd recently met if he asked me out.

Sunday, June 25, 2006, 12:32 AM

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you gotta ask her out man!!

guys these days are so shy, it's refreshing to have a confident guy speak up, why do you think she makes you laugh cause she probably enjoys it and likes your attention!

go for it you only live once, and if not then it will make her feel good about herself!

Sunday, June 25, 2006, 11:05 AM

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my 2 cents

defiantely guys and gals can be friends. I have always been closer with guys then gals, I don't like to shop, so guys do better for me that way, and I am not gay and none of my friends are gay. We go to movies, we eat lunches together. I like many of the other female posters work in a male dominated field. Some feel I shouldn't be here doing this work but most are like hell she is here putting her life on the line like me, and well once they see me in action most of them would choose me to cover there backs then most of the other guys. My ex husband didn't have a problem with the work just that I hung out with a bunch of guys.... He said it was cheating even if you talked to a person of the opposite sex about your personal issues with your significant other. I think that is a major reason why we are divorced. Wow am I rambling....

Sunday, June 25, 2006, 12:07 PM

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hmmm, 4:07pm poster, i've been going to movies and shopping with male friends my entire life and it has never led to any issues! as an engineer, many of my friends end up being male, because that's who i'm surrounded by.
and i find my tastes in movies and concerts often fit better with my male friends than my female ones.

it's a case of chemistry - there will only be problems if there is some form of chemistry, and, at least for me, i dont feel that about all guys, not even about most guys, and ditto, i guess they don't feel it for me. easy peasy!

harry and sally were both dweebs if you ask me, and thus rather destined for each other.


Sunday, June 25, 2006, 2:28 PM

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some people make friends because they are ultimately after something else, but i think this happens with same sex friendships as well as co-ed friendships. i totally think men and women can be just friends.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 10:00 AM

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I think it completely depends on the people. I have friends that are guys. My husband has friends that are girls. But earlier this summer I found out that he had more than just a friendship with one of these girls. Not anything sexual, but they have the same intrests and they ended up having a little crush on one another. To say the least, they are no longer friends. And I am now very suspicious of any woman that he becomes friends with. But I don't think this is always the case, I still have friends that are guys.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 10:21 AM

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98% of the time - NO

Not straight men anyway. They will always have the thought of wanting to sleep with you. It's the only reason straight men entertain the idea of talking with women. Men and women are just too different.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 10:29 AM

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does someone wanting to sleep with you prevent them from being your friend if you never actually do sleep together? i'm not suggesting that people of the opposite sex can always be friends without thinking of engaging in some sort of sexual activity with the each other, but thinking about this and following through are entirely different. if a girl imagines a same-sex encounter with one of her female friends does that mean they can no longer be friends?

Monday, September 18, 2006, 10:32 AM

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Men just think differently than women. If they thought that there was no chance they would ever have sex with you, they wouldn't want to be your "friend". So, that is really not a friendship.....

Monday, September 18, 2006, 10:39 AM

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i think the comments about men only talking to women for one reason-ever-are very sexist and prejudiced. do you really believe that men find no other benefit to women except sex?

Monday, September 18, 2006, 10:49 AM

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It may be sexist, but it is true....ask your brothers, male friends, relatives, etc. They are just wired differently than women.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 10:51 AM

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how can i ask my male friends if they cannot exist?

Monday, September 18, 2006, 11:06 AM

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I was told by one of my guy friends....

Any guy who is your friend would sleep with you... even if it'd never happen, they would.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 11:13 AM

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and do you think this guy friend of yours speaks for ALL men, everywhere? i have plenty of male friends and sex is not and has not been an issue. do you think gay men really only are after sex with their platonic male friends?

Monday, September 18, 2006, 11:27 AM

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11:06 poster...your male friends can exsist (atleast in your head), men are usually after more than just friends though.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 11:40 AM

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Yes, gay men are the same. Men are still men. They will take sex whenever they can get it. Men are sluts :) LOL Both straight and gay.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 11:45 AM

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i cannot believe the opinions expressed regarding this subject!! way stereotypical!! and quite rude to the male gender...maybe it's women who don't believe men and women can truly be friends that encounter the men who are after more? my belief is that people of all kinds can be friends or pursue something else, but these choices are not limited to the people's gender!! and i have friends of all persuasions, genders and mind sets who agree with me.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 11:51 AM

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the question about gay men...

i am curious if the poster who responded is a man or is a woman who is representing a man's viewpoint?

Monday, September 18, 2006, 11:52 AM

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I am a female but have many gay friends and relatives. Haven't you ever watched Queer As Folks? It's real babe. And no harm in that, it's just the way it is. The sooner women accept men as they are and stop trying to change them or make them more like women....the happier everyone would be! :)

Monday, September 18, 2006, 12:04 PM

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i have many gay friends, too, but would not presuppose that i could speak for their beliefs or experiences as a gay person since i am not a gay person. it's nice that you have your opinions, but to try to represent a group to which you do not belong is a bit pretentious, no?
secondly, i would not try to change a man or make him more like a woman, but i think your attempt to get me to think like you on the subject of men & women being friends is futile. i base my opinions on my experiences, not on some tv show.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 12:12 PM

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One of my best friends is a straight male and we do a lot together. I have never felt anything but friendship towards him, and him to me. We have been best friends for about 10 yrs now. No problems here!

Monday, September 18, 2006, 12:27 PM

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I am partially speaking opinion and the other half is from what my gay friends and relatives have told me over the last 15 years.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 3:24 PM

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I am not trying to get you to think like me. I am merely expressing my opinion and what I have noticed as women trying to change men.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 3:25 PM

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i firmly believe that men are not only interested in sex from women. i have a lot of respect for different gender friendships. my relationship with my father is much stronger than that with my mother and me, so maybe this is why i have been able to form and develop friendships with men that are not sex-based.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 3:33 PM

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Maybe, but it would be more insightful if some men actually responded here.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 4:07 PM

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Dont' get me wrong -- I definitely think women can do it. But a not really interested in it. Of course a father-daughter relationship is something completely different. But "friends" between men and women? Just think they are too different. Even as kids -- boys like to play rough, play sports. Girls like to "talk" about feelings and have tea parties. Just too many differences for them to be "real friends" in my opinion.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 4:13 PM

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i am a woman and did not fit the mold described here when i was a young girl. i enjoyed sports and bugs and definitely did not host or attend tea parties. i have always had a better bond among my male friends than my female friends. i know many men who have female friends without the sexual tension, too.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 4:18 PM

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as I said before...women CAN do it. But I don't think MEN can or really care to.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 4:30 PM

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how can you say that a woman can have men as friends but men can't have women as friends? are these women, these so-called friends, just fake friends about to be jumped at any moment?

Monday, September 18, 2006, 4:33 PM

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it's possible for a woman to do it....but not for a man. That is why I said initialy the answer is no, men and women cannot be friends in 98% of the situations.

Monday, September 18, 2006, 4:42 PM

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i really feel sorry for those of you who deny your opportunities to have men as friends. it's fabulous to have a diverse social circle instead of a dot.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 9:09 AM

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I am female with almost exclusively male friends. I'm baffled by the posters who are saying it is "not possible" for a man to do this.

I have known my best friend Adam for almost ten years, since our junior year of high school. In that time, we have each dated many different people, we lived together as roommates for two years, and he is now married to his college girlfriend and I am living with my boyfriend of four years. I've shared a bed with him and gone camping and shared a tent with him. We have not so much as talked about kissing, let alone actually done anything. We have just never been attracted to each other. (I think we have probably talked about how we are not attracted to each other at some point or another)

I really doubt he is hiding some secret desire to sleep with me, so I'd just like to know what is "not possible" about this for him. Maybe I'm just in the minority. (Might I add, I am not an ugly troll or anything).

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 9:12 AM

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Adam falls in the 2% category. For some reason, he was not attracted to you at all.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 9:15 AM

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i would like some research information to back up your figures of 98% and 2%. you obviously do not have men as friends and i find it insulting that you would deny that my friendships with men can exist beyond a 2% chance. how can you speak with such "authority" on this topic?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 9:43 AM

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I have had discussions with several men on this topic. And with the 12-15 or so men I have discussed this with, they all say the same thing. So the number in my resarch was 100%, but I am sure there are some strange anomalies or some overly feminine men, so I gave it the 2% in my experience. And the men were from all sorts of backgrounds and lifestyles. I have men "friends" but I do not consider them "real friends" not in the same way as women friends. I take them for what they are and accept them that way. I dont' try to change them and say they are equal to my female friends. Men and women are NOT equal.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 10:13 AM

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first of all, there is NOTHING scientific or factual with your research technique. a sampling of 10-15 of the men YOU know? why is the point that men and women are different being raised over and over? i am different than a friend of mine who is a former stripper and a single mom, whose mother was murdered. but i am still able to develop a friendship with her. being different does not mean that men are some sort of shallow, sex-crazed group. i'm sure the op appreciates your viewpoint, but please do not attempt to speak for me, an attractive, smart, witty, intellectual woman with many masculine men friends who are as true as any women friends i have. maybe someday you will mature to the point that men see more that you have to offer besides sex.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 10:22 AM

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10:22 Poster

You seem very upset and angry. Probably a lack of sex :) When was the last time you got any? I never said men are shallow and sex-crazed and I never said I was speaking for your in particular. Chill out and relax! :)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 10:25 AM

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i did not attack you personally (as your comment regarding my sex schedule did), and my notion that you were speaking for me was in response to your so-called study. i would not want to let your opinion be the one that speaks for me. maybe you did not use the words sex-crazed and shallow, but if you read what you did write, that is definitely implied. and yours is not the only post to place men in some sort of inescapable sexual vacuum. i take offense on behalf of my men friends who, since they do not subscribe to this website, cannot defend themselves.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 10:35 AM

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Again, you are putting words in my mouth. If you read your comments, you did attack me. I'm done with this's getting old and boring. I am not telling you how to think, I am merely expressing my opinion. Have a good day :)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 10:59 AM

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both of my parents have friendships with people of the opposite sex. even friends they go out with separately. what's the big deal?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 1:03 PM

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mine don't. Maybe that is why they have been married 35 years.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 1:13 PM

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103 poster here

my parents have been happily married for 39 years...what does having friends of the opposite sex have to do with it, though?

Tuesday, September 19, 2006, 1:16 PM

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I think what everyone thinks is based on the experiences one has had. I've had many great guy friends one of whom is closer to me than any girl friend ever. I know my guy friends love me and respect me for what i am. I am not sure if there hase been anything on their mind other than friendship.. but I sincerely dont care.

On the other hand, I have a female friend who has lived in a different world and thinks opposite. She cant think of any guy as her friend cos she herself fraks out when someone becomes close to her. She starts seeing things which might not actually be.

So lets just express our own opinions instead of attacking one another!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006, 1:32 AM

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can men and women really be just friends?

I'm so confused! I have a good friendship with a married couple. We meet when i was still a couple. They were my ex's friends. But me & my ex broke up because he was cheating on me. This married couple helped me through my pain and we became a better friends. I went to visit them last weekend. The wife just had a baby, and so she could not stay and drink with us. So there was just me & her husband. We had a really good talk and got so pissed. We were up until 5am just talking! Then it was time to go to bed, so I went. The next thing was he was in my room asking me if I wanted it! I was so shocked, said "no". I even fall out of my bed! He helped me back up and asked me again! And I said "no" the second time. But he was just standing there as if I didn't said a thing. I comtemplated myself and my made myself sat up on the bed, wanting to explain that I thought we had a really good friendship and you have an adorable family. but as soon as I sat up, he gently stroke my face, I felt sensitive and kindda like it. But then shocked my head and said "Woo ~ what just happend here?" He flipped and ran out of the room.

Next day, I didn't get up until about 1pm with a big hangover ever. The first thing I saw was his wife. She gave me a cuddle and made fun of me for getting so drunk. I was also amused, and it was kindda fun to get hammered once in a while. Then I saw her husband with their kid. I feel so shitty, because I respect his wife so much. I believed we both made a mistake, but no one is willing to talk about it. Should I be the one to start the conversation, as I believe we can still be good freinds?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007, 12:30 PM

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in my opinion, you're just as guilty as he is IF you don't say anything. I know that sounds funny, but he is more than willing to cheat on his wife with a mutual friend. If you don't tell her what happened, it will be the same as sleeping with him. Give her the dignity she deserves to make her own decision about it.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007, 12:45 PM

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No, don't say anything. You're feeling guilty because you feel that you did something wrong. He's probably feeling guilty too, or he would've talked to you about it. Don't cause problems for this woman just in order to alleviate your guilt.

She has a new baby and a family; she doesn't need the stress of knowing that her husband came onto you when you were both very very drunk. You may essentially ruin her life, and cause that baby to lose a father, when the man showed some remorse even at the time that the sketchiness was happening! Both the woman and the child are better off not knowing.

At the same time, don't go out with him, drinking and getting overly drunk until early in the morning, alone. Now you know that that is a bad situation to be in.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007, 1:08 PM

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excuse me? what does she have to feel guilty about? she didn't do anything wrong. He's the one who put her and his wife and his child in this situation. If my husband made a move on anyone of my friends and they didn't tell me, I would never be their friend again--how could i trust them. And the humility that everyone else knew and thought about it every time they looked at me.

Just because you are her friend doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her to free up guilt that shouldn't be yours in the first place.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007, 1:19 PM

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I'm with the "don't say anything" camp. I had something similar happen with a man whose wife was almost 9 months pregnant. I was furious with him, but I never said a word to his wife and they are still happily married.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007, 6:45 PM

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6:45 here again. Meant to comment on the original topic. I have no studies to quote and my sample size is just me and a friend, but I, at least have given up the idea of having male friends. There's always a little sexual tension or awareness or something. Some of which comes from me -- it's not just the guys. As to my friend, she asked me if I knew any single girls for her male friend and then told me how she'd been skiing with him a couple of times. She swore up and down that she could just have a friendship with him. Half a year later she admitted she'd been having an affair.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007, 6:55 PM

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man's perspective

I noticed that most of the comments here are from women (not all, but most). As a man, I'd like to weigh in.

It is possible for men and women to be friends, sure ... but often the man will be thinking about more, especially if there's any chance of sexual attraction. Women sometimes think that the man just wants to be friends, but most of the time that's not true.

Now, that said, even if the man wants more ... even if he's attracted to her ... doesn't mean they can't be friends. It just means that there's a different dynamic there, that doesn't usually exist between women-women friends. It should be acknowledge and possibly discussed, if the relationship is to be open and honest.

If the sexual attraction or love is unrequited, there may be some frustration issues with the man, so that should also be noted.

Of course, you could say the same thing about women wanting more with guy friends, but I don't know enough to say that it happens as often.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007, 7:46 PM

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very well said 7:46!

I agree men and women should be friends, but I find the same thing (I am female) that when I am friends with a man, there is a sexual element to the friendship, which is somewhat the point to a man and woman friendship. To have a friend you trust, to get solid advice from, and the need to have a different kind of friendship than women get from each other.

That doesn't mean the relationship has to go to a physical sexual level. That's a choice.

Thursday, October 04, 2007, 8:56 AM

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Thursday, October 04, 2007, 9:05 AM

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why are there so many silly topics like this on Pt when we should be talking about ways to eat healthy and trim fat?

Monday, October 08, 2007, 1:57 PM

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Because this is the "Lounge", where we sit around and chat with our fellow members, sometimes about fitness and weight loss topics, and sometimes just about whatever is on our minds.

Monday, October 08, 2007, 2:43 PM

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Every guy I have ever asked this question to has virtually the same response as 7:46. And pretty much every woman screams "OF COURSE IT'S POSSIBLE!!"

Monday, October 08, 2007, 9:32 PM

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Just about every guy that I am very good friends with (there are three of them) started out with a little romance, but it didn't work out in that direction. But, during that time we got to know each other and decided that the friendship was worth keeping. Men and women can be just friends. It is possible.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007, 10:53 AM

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My two best friends are both guys.
Granted, I grew up with one.. he is my cousin, but the other guy is strictly my best platonic friend. People have thought we were dating for years, but we never have. The platonic relationship is ruined the moment you sense flirtation.. no matter what the situation.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007, 4:38 PM

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You can be casual friends but I do not believe you can have a close friend of the opposite sex without someone having feelings at some point. Even if it is just for a brief moment I think it is always thought about. Unless they are gay.

Friday, October 12, 2007, 2:53 AM

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Each person is different anyway so no relatinoship is the same! Whether female-female, male-male, female-male. Just because women and men have some biological differences doesn't peclude them from having deep friendships.

Monday, October 13, 2008, 11:04 AM

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One of the best parts about working was that I was able to have aquaintanships with men. I'd love to have guy friends and now that I don't work I miss them. Without the protection of "proper business behavior" I do think men will often push for sex, if only to "experience you" just once.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008, 11:46 PM

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I've heard that story before from other men, that you can't be friends with men because regardless of what we women think, they, men, have some kind of attraction or alterior motive behind the friendship. I simply don't believe that. I have a work friend that I started walking with in the evenings, we weren't close at all, in fact, barely knew one another. He was coming to me for nutrition/fitness advice and we started talking and then the get togethers for walking. Of course after a while the talks became much more personal and we talk about everything including our relationships with our spouses, sex, our kids, work, everything. I can tell that he is truly in love with his wife even though they have the regular small issues every couple has and I know I'm totally in love with my husband but talk to him about the irritants in my relationship as well as all the great things about it. There is no attraction there. What we both bring to this friendship is the opportunity to offer the other advice from the male/female perspective. We've actually jokingly referred to our walk time as our "therapy" sessions. So, based on my experience, yes, I truly do think this is aboslutely possible.

Thursday, October 23, 2008, 2:56 PM

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Friday, October 24, 2008, 9:04 AM

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Yes, I think men and women can be just friends. (I'm a woman, by the by)

Now, in my personal experience, there will almost always be a phase of the friendship where one or the other is on some level curious or interested in being more than friends. But if the other friend is not interested, there has to be enough mutual respect to not make a big deal out of it, and not pursue it any further. Then, if you still have things to talk about once that's out of the way, there can be a really good long friendship there. Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex and it's never caused either of us a problem.

That said, I also have a friend who thinks she has to 'stay friends' with every ex boyfriend and creep who asks her out. These are not friendships even though she likes to call them that. These guys are just sniffing around hoping for something more from her because she doesn't kick them out of her life when the relationship is over.

So, it's complicated. But yes, it's possible!

Friday, October 24, 2008, 2:43 PM

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I think it's totally possible. I just emailed my best guy friend and told him I missed him and we needed to make a date next time he's in town. I'm married and whenever my bff is in town we try to get together either for lunch or a drink. My hubby comes along sometimes since the 2 of them are friends, but other times my hunny stays home and give me alone time with my friend to catch up and gossip.

Friday, October 24, 2008, 2:53 PM

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Yes. I'm married and my best friend is a man. My husband does not feel threatened and my best friend never comes on to me.

Saturday, October 25, 2008, 3:05 PM

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Wednesday, August 20, 2014, 11:35 AM

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