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OT: how thin do I have to be to get a boyfriend?
All my friends are so fit, they all have guys drooling over them. Before you think I'm 16, I am 25 and yes, looks still matter. I need to lose about 15 pounds and I read everywhere that it's all about what's inside but it's hard when I go out and my friends look better in their jeans. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.
Tue. Jul 25, 4:24pm
You don't want the guys that only drool after those girls and don't even look in any other direction! Trust me.
I was overweight when I met my husband...who is trim, muscular and handsome and could have gone after a woman much fitter than I am. However, because he is a good person, he was looking for more than just whether I could fit into a slim size jeans. Anyway, not that he doesn't appreciate a good looking woman, but it really is what is inside that counts in the long run...try to focus on the future and not right now. Also, make sure you are getting healthy for you and not to get a boyfriend...that never works!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 4:35 PM
i totally agree with above poster.
just believe in yourself and the true you will shine through. a good man will
see what a catch you really are. if you pay attention you will see that most of those girls don't last long when they do get a google eyed guy because they are ready to run to the next shiney object.
patience pays in the end.
i wonder every day how i caught my love of my life. i am not thin but work on being fit, while he is very handsome and built yet to boot. we have been together for 15 yrs now and women still turn thier head to look. i'm sure we look like quite the pair.
best of luck to you. :)
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 5:00 PM
I'll third what they said. I managed to snag my husband before I lost weight -- and I was more like 30 pounds too heavy. He still likes me now that I'm thinner, but he has told me he doesn't want me to be too thin! It's funny: I think most of my friends look way better in their jeans, but my husband thinks skinny isn't attractive. (I mentioned Halle Berry the other day as someone I thought was one of the most beautiful people out there, and he said, "Isn't she way too thin?")
The point is: There *are* men out there who don't think that flat abs is the only thing to look for in a woman. And I hope you realize too that you have way more to offer than your looks!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 5:12 PM
I don't mean for this to be taken the wrong way, but ...
... it has been proven through science and some amazing research that there are certain shapes that men and women "typically" look for.
Now, I'm not saying that one should try every diet and kill themself just to look like a movie star or to get a date. I just wanted to point out that there is something hard-wired in us to be natuarlly attracted to certain shapes and sizes and we connect those shapes and sizes with emotional reponses.
I have a friend who would really like to be in a relationship but is struggling. And, he has a beach ball for a stomach. Knowing the nature of attraction, I think if he lost about 20 (or maybe 30 in his case) pounds, he'd be more attractive to the opposite sex.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 5:42 PM
I agree that a hot body will turn anyone's head, but she isn't looking for a one night stand...she wants a boyfriend. There are plenty of folks, me included, who have never had that certain shape that you talk about, but I still managed to find the man of my dreams and he supports and loves me no matter what my shape is. By the way, round is a shape! :)
Anyway, the point is that self-confidence and a great smile will turn heads too and is more likely to maintain the interest of a good man than a hot body will. :) If you are overweight and that makes you feel self-conscious or unattractive, then you will give off that vibe and have problems in any relationship. So, focus on being healthy inside and out and then see what happens!
Good luck OP.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 7:29 PM
It's all about attitude. Are you a friendly person? Are you out-going? Do peope think you are easy to approach?
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 9:39 PM
A lot of times people are attracted to someone who is confident in themselves. even if you have doubts (which we all do), fake it and eventually it will be come natural. you dont need to be flirty, just self assured.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 9:52 PM
Here goes an opinion from a guy. If your worried about your weight than by all means try to work out and get healthy because men like women who take care of themselves. One thing to consider though, the better looking you are the more likely the cocky and obnoxious men will come flocking so you have to take on the responsibility of weeding out the bad eggs. Don't get me wrong but you will have to learn how to be at places where the good men are. Such as church, taking up a class, wine tasting. That was just to put things into perspective. In the mean time, put yourself out there and do things and be social, you have to get exposure to find somebody. That is how you find somebody with your personality. One more thing to be shallow about...One more thing that I can't really tell about you since obviously I can't see you. If you dress nice and make sure everything fits when you wear it that could help.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 10:03 PM
As a former fattie...
I don't think 15 pounds would make someone undatable. I used to be 270 and always had a boyfriend. Now I'm 190 and single and being about 30-40 pounds overweight, I sometimes feel the same way you do. But those 15 pounds matters more to you than it does to your potential suitors, I promise.
Get your best friend to help you pick out your best outfits that flatter your figure the best. Also, maybe do some new social things to help you feel like you're meeting more potential boyfriends. You know, get out into some different circles, meet some people that are different from those you normally interact with.
Is it possible that you have an unrealistic view of how you look compared to your friends? Does this make you a wallflower when you go out with them? Can you go out with different friends sometimes - or solo - so you won't feel inferior?
Obviously I don't know you, just trying to throw some ideas out there to see if anything helps. I understand what you're going through and it's really tough. The best advice I could offer is to find things that make you feel FABULOUS and CONFIDENT. Do them often, and remember the feeling and take THAT SENTIMENT out with you when you're meeting new people. Maybe a great workout at the gym? A great run? A successful day at school or work?
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 10:05 PM
15 pounds? Trust me, the average guy can't tell 15 pounds overweight from 15 pounds underweight. Get healthy for yourself, and if a guy doesn't like what you weigh or look like, and uses such shallow criteria to decide who to date? He's too dumb to bother with. If you walk around all the time being insecure about how you look, it shows, and that's unattractive.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 10:42 PM
Size doesn't matter, attitude and personality do.
I started dating my husband when I was 220 lbs, 8 years later, I am now around 160. Whenever I complain about my weight he reminds me that he loves me no matter what size I am, as long as I'm happy.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 10:43 PM
I've been overweight most of my life, never had a problem getting a guy. My cousin just started dating a woman who has to be at least a size 24w.
I'll be honest, if you want to attract a super good looking guy as opposed to merely better than average, you *may* have a harder time. I'm the same age as you, and most of my contemporaries agree: where ever we are on the scale between 1 and 10, we date one lower, but no lower. EG, by most standards, I'm an 8 (cuz I have about 15lbs to lose) so I'll date 7's, but no 6's. Fact is I take care of myself, and I want someone who does the same. However, i don't want someone who obsesses about it, so just be careful- guys totally prefer a girl who is happy but trying to better herself, but can't stand a cute chick who complains about her wieght and obsesses over it...
Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 11:08 PM
This is all good to read. I know I need to get my confidence up, and i guess when you feel like you look good you carry yourself differently. I know when I get to the gym i feel better about myself which probably shows. thanks too for the guys perspecitve but also the brutal honesty. Keep it coming, I'm ready to hear it.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 9:12 AM
To the OP
I commented earlier and enjoyed reading everyone else's comments. It's tough on us women sometimes!
I can tell you, as you get older (I'm 35 and single) it gets so very much easier. You learn to love your body, you become more confident, you become more self-accepting. It is a process, so I hope you go easy on yourself. And make sure you've got good people in your life who always make you feel cherished, whether friends, family or a boyfriend.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 9:45 AM
I'm sure this is going to be criticized, but, my mom always told me, never date a guy who is as good looking as you are, or thinks he's as good looking as you are. By dating a guy who's a little bit less attractive, they'll appreciate you that much more, and treat you that much better. And, by the time you're older, they're mostly all going to be fat and bald anyway.
I think I'm an 8-9, and I think my fiance is a 6-7. I love him, and I find him more and more attractive every day. I would never have gone after the "pretty-boy" fratty types for anything more than a fling - I know they wouldn't treat me like I'd want to be treated.
Think about the types of guys you're going for. Can you honestly look at them and not have that little sound going off in your ear that "they're probably going to be a jerk," or "they're probably just looking for a hookup"?
On the other hand, are you going for guys at all? Or are you holding back, hoping one falls in your lap?
Let your friends and family set you up. You'll meet more people. Honestly, it sounds so corny, but I met my fiance through my mom. Your family and friends always have your best interest in mind, so give it a chance. Your chance of meeting the right guy increases the more guys you meet. So get out there and meet some!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 11:17 AM
i've shared this idea on other threads...
do the things that you enjoy and you will find others like you participating in those activities. do you want to meet a guy who hits on a woman in a bar because she's slim or would you prefer to meet someone who has a little more obviously in common with you? if you are seeking a long-term relationship, i suggest you bring yourself to places where you would enjoy going with this soon-to-be boyfriend, and see who you find there.
do you become interested in someone based solely on their looks?
Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 11:22 AM
No offense to the previous poster, but I tried all that when I moved to a new city. I went on a nature hike, took a spanish class, hung out in cafes and bookstores, hung out at the gym, took an art class, joined a running club, and took dance classes. I met the following people: LOTS of single women looking for men, geriatric birdwatchers who tried to pick me up, men learning spanish for their fiance's family, men who worked at a bookstore and were intimidated by my PhD, men with other jobs who were intimidated by my PhD, more single women, and an in-denial gay man (I'm pretty sure) who just liked to dance! I did learn lots of fun stuff, and met some nice women. :)
Now, the bar thing didn't work either (esp when you are a ~6 and your friend is a 10, omg THAT is a disheartening thing!)
SO, I got fed up and signed up on match.com. I was honest about my weight ("a few pounds to lose") and my degree, and those were great filters. So I didn't have the typical problem of getting swamped with jerks, like the "10" women do. Only the good guys looked past those small "flaws". Within a week I was in contact with a wonderful man, and now 2.5 yrs later we're engaged and very happy. And now I've lost some more weight, but I also know he loved me with the extra pounds on too. That is a very reassuring thing if you think about it! Good luck!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 11:54 AM
I like your match.com idea. I remember the classmate who said he was going to move after graduation because he had already "met everyone" in our town of 100,000. Match.com would have been easier.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 1:54 PM
it's confidence sweetie, that's holding you back, not your weight!!! Believe in yourself, your hotness, your intelligence, your sense of humor etc . . .and men will see that before anything else. Granted exercise brings confidence-because you are more aware of your body and become proud of it-even if you aren't losing weight right away.
i'm 28, and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. prior to that i was the epitome of the single girl . . . i never had a serious boyfriend in high school , college, etc. Right before i met my current man, i realize i had a whole slew of suitors and yes i had lost about 45 lbs-but their attention was not because of my weight loss (i still was a good sized girl-165lbs-5ft 3inches)-it was because i felt good about myself and that showed everytime i walked into a room.
you will find a boyfriend (not that you need one), but you really do have to think highly of yourself first!!! (especially if you want to attract a good one!!)
Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 2:11 PM
the city that you live in
i'd be really interested to know where some people who made these comments live. I now live in NYC - and I would say that a woman's weight is a very important factor here... if affects the quality + quantity of guys who are interested in you, the reception you will get at stores, whether you are allowed in certain clubs, job prospects, etc. However, I have lived in many other states (Alaska, Hawaii, New Mexico, South Dakota, DC)... and with the execption of Hawaii, I would say that weight mattered a lot less in those other states (and also that the "average" sized woman was much bigger). So, my anecdotal evidence indicates that geography matters... dunno if that helps... just my own observation.
Thursday, July 27, 2006, 7:03 AM
Waist to Hip Ratio (WHR)
Okay, now it's official:
"WHR is considered to be factor in judging female and male attractiveness. Women with a 0.7 WHR (waist circumference that is 70% of the hip circumference) are often rated as more attractive by men, regardless of their culture, race, religion, ethnicity or any other subjective factors."
"A WHR of 0.7 for women and 0.9 for men has been shown to strongly correlate with general health and fertility."
Here's a link to the Wikipedia article.
Thursday, July 27, 2006, 8:20 AM
my two cents worth...
This is advice I gave to myself years ago, and (if I do say so myself), it's the best advice I've ever heard:
BE the person you want your future husband to fall in love with.
Do you wand to marry someone who only cares about looks? No? Then you need to care about more than just looks. Don't look for someone to "complete" you (sorry, Jerry Maguire). Be the best, most complete person you can be first. Then you'll be surprised at how easily people appear in your life who are datable and who want to date you.
Nothing is uglier than desperation. And nothing is more beautiful than confidence. And by confidence, I mean the kind that comes from knowing who you are and being happy with yourself - - not the cocky, self-absorbed, shallow, vain type of confidence. And everyone can tell the difference!
Good luck! And don't get discouraged. We're all here to help! : )
Thursday, July 27, 2006, 11:01 AM
To the guys...
not the op, but in a similar situation...
I'm 29, single, and HOT! Yes, I'm overweight, but I'm still damn sexy, and I know it. Are guys intimdated by me and my enormous self-esteem?
Thursday, July 27, 2006, 11:10 PM
I'd say any extreme isn't alwaysa good thing. If your talking yourself up, and really hardcore self absorbed it's a bad thing. Great you think your an attractive woman, but modesty gives guys the chance to feel needed.
Friday, July 28, 2006, 8:35 AM
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