Sharing the talking to I gave myself, and I hope it sticks....

(Copied from my log tonight- hoping it helps someone else, and also a way for me to "out" myself):

"OMG I totally attacked my BF, just to make myself feel better. It was easier if I totally baselessly accused him of being mean when he wasn't, than face my disappointment in myself. What is wrong with me?? Who is this horrible person I keep reverting back to, just when I think I've grown and changed?? I can give it all the cute names I want and make all the excuses I want, but HOW am I going to be the successful person I want to be when I overeat for some underlying reason and then lash out at the person I love most? WHEN am I going to learn? When am I really going to grow?? What is this crap I tell myself about doing it wih time, taking time, making small changes over time, I DON'T HAVE TIME! Am I willing to tell myself when I'm 50, that I just couldn't get it together when I was in my 20's, so I wasted my youth, and wasted my time obsessing about something so basic as the food I put in my mouth?? How much time have I WASTED craving, buying and agonizing over stupid food, only to waste MORE time lashing out at someone around me? Since when am made of such weak stuff that I can't deal with myself? AND HOW MUCH TIME HAVE I WASTED CRITICIZING SOMEONE ELSE'S FLAWS JUST TO MASK MY OWN? When am I going to shed this hyper-critical person? Why do I make a little progress and think that gives me some ridiculous moral superiority over someone else? So what I lost weight, so what I organized my bedroom! That's EXPECTED, dammit, you DO NOT get a gold star!"

...don't want to admit it, but, here goes nothing- sophie77 :(

Mon. Aug 14, 9:53pm

I relate, Sophie.

Monday, August 14, 2006, 10:38 PM

Lashing out at loved ones and eating food you KNOW isn't good for you are all things people do to punish themselves for some perceived sin or character flaw(s). Food is not inheritly bad or good - it just 'is' and until you can start seeing it that way it will be a means to punish yourself. Food is sustinence for you body and the better you nuture it the better you will feel. it's also true that you will have a hard time finding happiness with others until you are happy with yourself, but you sound a long way from that. Relationships are food for your soul. Until you can attain some measure of peace with who you are (flaws and all) and find some way to move forward without needing constant self-recrimination, you will never stop trying to hurt yourself with food and anger.

Several years ago I finally broke out of my own cycle of bitterness, anger and self-destruction. I am still a work in progress but I have come so far and made so many healthy steps that I daresay many of my acquaintences from that time would barely recognize me. The crazy part is that my weight has been the smallest one (and I used to see it as an almost insurmountable obstical). I am only a few pounds away from my goal and the journey has been so much more than I ever expected and I have reaped so many positive rewards that I feel I have an embarassment of riches.

We all have to make our own journeys in our own way but I hope you may make a similar one. One thing I do know is that in order to reach 'the good place' you must give up the hardest thing of all; your self-loathing and your anger - there is no room for it there.

I hope I have not been too presumptuous and I sincerely wish you the best, but I am afraid you will feel as though you don't deserve it.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006, 2:17 AM

there is a great book called "letting go of shame" by a couple with the last name ephron. it really helped me out with my misdirected anger/displaced rage issues. i also sought therapy from a local clinic and it helped me out a lot with identifying my triggers, my oncoming mood-swings, and gave me coping tools. best wishes!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006, 9:45 AM

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