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Found husbands porn-what should I do? (possible offensive thread)
OK. Because this forum allows me to post this annonymously, I feel the need to ask for feedback (please be kind) on a problem I have:
I have two teenagers, one of whom is a 14 year old girl. When she was first born my husband had gotten up with my toddler son before I did one morning. When I got up later and walked into the kitchen, my son was in his highchair eating breakfast facing away from the kitchen. My husband was about 5-6 feet away in the kitchen with his pants around his ankles "pleasuring himself"to the Sears catalog (women's section). This REALLY freaked me out and sent me into therapy. The therapist advised that it would be better for my kids to stay married at the time so I could keep an eye on them and know just what was going on in their environment. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse so I have strong feelings about the issue to begin with.
Fast forward to the present: Because of this history and incident years ago, I still keep very careful tabs on my kids and think I have innoculated them against sexual abuse and made them aware of what is ok and what is not.
I still however, feel the need to keep tabs on what my husband does and while he insists on keeping "skin magazines" (Playboy) I have insisted that he lock them away so our kids won't ever come across them. Call it a sixth sense, but I occasionally look in his briefcase (where he keeps them---he doesn't use it very often for business) to which I know the combination to (he doesn't know I know the number). Last night I found the usual Playboy and along with it a Hustler magazine. It is VERY graphic and is actually pornographic. There are ads for "barely legal" porn of young girls (supposedly over 18), "Hot teens", even ads for transsexual porn and gay men porn ("I like boys" one of them advertises). It made me sick to my stomach to see this. I am not a prude, but considering my fears about him for the past decade and a half all those old fears are coming back to make me feel paranoid again.
He is in his mid 40's, everyone who knows him thinks he is a nice guy. While he treats his own kids and myself differently when we are alone, everyone who sees him in public thinks he is the best father. He does ok as a dad but more and more lately he is giving me the creeps. Especially now since I found this porn last night.
We don't have sex (haven't for a LONG time) so maybe this is his way of "taking care" of his needs. And I don't know that he is actually interested in the teen porn or gay or transsexual porn advertised. I know many men watch and read this kind of filth but it just creeps me out to think someone who has contact with my kids is interested in this garbage.
This long path to my original question is: SHOULD I be concerned about this find or just chalk it up to a smarmy middle aged man who is afraid he's losing his "mojo"? Should I head for the hills even though there is no proof what so ever that he is a child molester or gay or...? I should say that I am in no position to support myself or my kids at this time. If there WAS proof of bad intentions on his part, the lack of self-financial support wouldn't matter--I would leave immediately and take the kids to safety---so don't worry that I am some "dumb" broad who would leave my kids in danger.
Please be kind in your repsonses. I really need some advice, not get beaten up over this.
Fri. Aug 18, 9:57pm
I feel sorry for your husband
I did not read anything in your post that suggests your husband has any kind of problem or dysfunction or is a child molester. You seem very paranoid and non-sexual. Those magazines are not unhealthy in the context you described. Why aren't you having sex with your husband? Maybe if you were more sexually open with him and viewed the magazines with him, you would have a better relationship and you would not be sneaking around in his briefcase. Give him a break and give it up or let him go. Why would you both be staying in a loveless, sexless marriage????
Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:23 PM
God, give her a break. She's asking for help. To sit there and attack the OP is disgusting and you are obviously having your own issues. I wish you could be banned.
OP, I don't know. I'm still reading through your post and don't know how to respond yet.
Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:30 PM
Did your therapist also tell you that YOU were the one that needed help??? If she thought what your husband did was wrong, evil or unhealthy, should would have told you to leave for the sake of the children -- but the therapist knew that he didn't do anything wrong. That it was YOUR hangups that brought you into therapy. I really think you need to get more therapy for the sexual abuse in your childhood because you are letting it interfere with your life, your hubsands and your children. Hanging onto something so silly for 14 years is just ridiculous. Your daughter was a baby and would have absolutely no recollection of the "incident" as you call it. Your husband was looking at a magazine, not at your child. I'm sorry to be so rough on you -- but really -- get more therapy so you can live the rest of your life being happy and free from your childhood -- get to a place where you can ENJOY sex.
Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:33 PM
WTF??? I've never seen this in the PT community. Maybe we have to have usernames. The OP ASKED for help, not criticism. OP, please please please ignore this poor excuse for a response.
Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:36 PM
She asked for advice and that is what I am giving her. She put her question out there so I am going to respond to it -- I'm sorry -- but I do REALLY feel sorry for her husband. I am not attacking her. But she is clearly attacking her husband by saying he might be a child molester. That is a terrible accusation to say just because someone looks at Playboy magazine and masturbates - that is a normal part of life and sexuality. I just think she should seek therapy before she destroys her life and hurts those that are close to her.
Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:38 PM
I also wanted to point out that your husband was looking at the MAGAZINE and NOT your son, please remember that.
However, i would be freaked if i saw my husband doing that in the same room as our kids and we would have had a long discussion as to WHY he chose to "relive" himself there, in our sons presence, regardless of wheather he would remeber it or not.
Also, porn and dirty mags are normal.
I do feel, however that you may be hypersensitive toward any sexual gratification......Do you pleasure yourself? Or do you think its "dirty"? I also feel that more therapy might help you get over this and you can teach your kids that sex is nothing to be ashamed of.
Good luck OP.
Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:41 PM
OP, again, this responder obviously has their OWN issues. THe attack is not about you, but about the responder. I commend you for having the courage to speak out and please wait for some responses that have you in mind and that help you, vs. someone's own vicious rant.
Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:47 PM
You asked for advice....but didn't really want it
To the OP - which poster are your responding to - time of their post?
Listen, I am sorry if I came across as harsh. I just really felt sorry for your husband as you were accusing him of something so terrible and there is no sex in the marriage. I am really giving you GOOD advice by telling you to seek additional therapy. I notice that you did not respond to any of the questions asked of you so the other posters can give you further info based on your specific circumstance. If you want someone just to "side" with you and you do not want to listen to all points of view and honest opinions than you should not have asked the question.
Friday, August 18, 2006, 10:53 PM
Purely objectively, I have to say, having porn magazines like that is very, very typical and not abnormal in any way. Your husband is not weird or a sexual deviant. I'm only saying this to make you feel a little better. It absolutely in no way gives any indication that he is a molester or gay or anything like that. (In other words, don't judge his desires by the ads - if he was a deviant he'd be reading those kinds of magazines, not typical, heterosexual, adult ones like Playboy and Hustler.) It means he is a normal male with a normal sex drive. So don't worry about your kids.
You said yourself, you have much deeper issues. I would strongly urge you to go into counseling. It can only help you work through your own issues and perhaps start to mend things in your marriage - or help you find the strength to leave, if that's what's best for the two of you and your kids.
Friday, August 18, 2006, 11:06 PM
okay, a lot of things going on here. I would also be weirded out if my husband was masurbating in the same room as our child. However, as someone else pointed out, he was using a magazine, and not looking at your child at the time. His indescretion is more just really poor parenting skills than anything. it sounds from your post that you have talked about this and he hopefully knows better than to take care of business when the children are around. If he doesn't then you DO have a problem on your hands. sure, hustler and some of the other magazines are pretty trashy, they all have the "i'm just 18" ads, and the tranny, and other stuff. Just because these magazines are distasteful to you, does not mean your husband is a pervert or in anyway endangering you or your children. Many men, and many women for that matter use pornographic materials and it's completely normal.
What is abnormal is looking for nude pictures of children on the web, or putting you or your children in uncomfortable or dangerous situations.
You say you and your husband have not had sex in a long time. From your post, it doesn't sound as if he's a sexual deviant, so much as that you two have other problems in your marriage. Do you love him? Do you respect him? and vice versa? Is he a good father to your children? If you don't love him anymore, when did it stop? how long has this been going on? Aside from the magazines, and the past incident w/ the sears catalogue, has you husband done or said anything sexual that crossed boundaries for you or your children? If he hasn't, this is not about sex, or sexual predators.
The bottom line is: Porn magazines are completely normal to have, regardless of how anyone feels about them. If you are worried about your husband, your marriage, and your children-do what you have to. Go to counseling together if you want to save your marriage. If it's not worth it, if you are done with this situation-and only you know if you are, then go see a lawyer. If you are unhappy and worry for your children's safety, that is what you need to worry about. It just sounds like there is more going on with your marriage than you are telling us. Your post sounds more like your marriage is just unhappy.
Good luck-i really hope everything works out for your family.
Friday, August 18, 2006, 11:31 PM
Your husband sounds totally normal to me.
I think your history of sexual abuse is still having repercussions within your family. Looking at Playboy and Hustler -- both of which are sold on newsstands in airports, for goodness' sake! -- isn't an indication of any fixation on children. Nor do they actually photograph children -- those models are well into their 20's, posed and airbrushed. What you are seeing, as shocking as it may seem to you, is dull, mainstream porn.
Your husband isn't "smarmy" -- and he probably IS the nice guy people think he is. He must be at least a little understanding of your difficulties, because otherwise he would be totally insulted that you think he's creepy or dangerous because he views porn.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 12:02 AM
the person with the problem,
ure blaming your husband because u cant provide the sexual stimulus every man needs. i feel sorry that he married you. if you ask me, you should get therapy, and even plastic surgery.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 12:51 AM
I am already sorry I asked for advice. Thanks to those of you who actually gave advice and a big rant to those of you who attacked.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 12:54 AM
It does sound like you are projecting a bit from your past experiences and sensitivities. Shoot, when our daughter was a small infant we would have sex while she was in the same room and not think a thing about it. As they grow, you make sure to separate adult sexuality from your children. Do you expect your husband to have shut off his sexuality because you seem to prefer no sex? Speaking from my perspective, which is as a woman whose sex drive is higher than her husband's, although we still have plenty, you have to find an outlet somehow. Your husband secures his porn out of sight. He is taking precautions. What do you think would be an appropriate expression of sexuality on his part?
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 1:18 AM
I knew about my dad's porn collection since I was 7 - just Playboy at the time, hidden amongst a stack of regular mags, but found some less tasteful stuff when I was 12 and snooping around my parents' closet (it was in an unused briefcase too, hah!). I've always found porn pathetic and ugly, but not deviant.
As for Sears catalogues, my mom told me about about one in the 70s that had a questionable men's underwear photo -- she and all her young-mom friends had a good giggle over a suspicious shadow. Shame on Sears, eh?
And these days, it's becoming harder to find a man who DOESN'T surf the web for inspirational porn before bed...for many, it has even become an unhealthy addiction. Like hours a day. That's gotta warp their perception of women.
Since you have no sex life to speak of (not passing judgment here, but it is a big deal and should be addressed if you want to remain married after your kids are out of the house), your husband will go elsewhere for stimulation. If the worst thing he's doing is leafing through mainstream porn magazines, you're extraordinarily lucky -- I would interpret that as restraint on his part, and proof of a deep love for his family and respect for the vows he took with you. I am constantly propositioned by married men for some form of sexual activity, so maybe I have low standards for what qualifies as decency...but your fella sounds like a good one despite the monumental brain fart he had with the Sears catalog.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 1:58 AM
It doesn't sound like the husband was looking at porn in the convenience of his bedroom or bathroom. He was in the kitchen with the toddler. completely innappropriate. Makes sense why the OP might be concerned. Maybe this is what is concerning, not the porn, but the appropriatness of when/how to engage. The teen porn would bother me too, playboy and the like are fine, but if I had a 14 year old daughter, I would be thinking twice as well.
OP, can you talk about this?
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 8:14 AM
He was not looking at "teen porn" magazines. Those advertisements for YOUNG girls are in EVERY magazine -- they are advertisements only, but her husband didn't purchase that -- he purchased Playboy and Hustler. He made a bad judgement 14 years ago, I don't think he should be punished for that.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 8:42 AM
8/18 10:30 PM Poster
Why should I be banned for giving my opinion? It seems you are the one that has issues. Seems like the majority of posters are saying the same thing -- that the OP should seek therapy.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 8:45 AM
Ok ok straight up... "getting off" with your child even remotely near you is wrong. Flat out wrong. Porn well that’s neither here nor there but I think you are concerned that he may amp up ( whatever that may entail) if the porn doesn’t do it for him and or the fact he is so sexual and the previous experience/ I would actually make plans ( personally) to get the heck out. If you find your husband creepy that’s the flag to give him the cut. I'm sorry if people think "talking to him" and” oh the poor WACKO man" . Start making plans to get out hun, you deserve someone who knows your past and won't be sexual around your children. You should know it's not worth the risk. Even if you don’t’ leave, the stress being off is worth being ready.
To all the people who say having sex with him is the answer... can you honestly say if you saw your husband doing that near a child you'd want to sleep with him. I think I'd be turned off for life. Having sex is not the answer.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 12:51 AM poster- wow, you're a new kind of unsupportive.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 9:46 AM
First of all, I think it is very sad that any poster should have to ask to be treated respectfully. This is suppose to be a place of support.
To the OP..men are stimulated visually, no surprise they look at mags like Playboy and Hustler. I agree with an earlier poster that if your husband were interested in pedophilia, there are plenty of magazines he could be looking at. What he has is garden variety soft porn. However, with your history, I am sure the mere presence of such magazines is very threatening to you. My suggestions would be to speak with your husband about it and definitely consider therapy again. And come back and let us know how you are doing, no matter what you decide. There is always support here.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 9:50 AM
aside from the poor judgement that your husband displayed in the kitchen, the rest of his behavior is totally, completely normal. Sex is normal, wanting to look at naked women is normal. Men have needs, and given the lack of a sex life with you it makes sense that he have some outlet. Better this than his secretary or babysitter or whatever.....
You also said that the kitchen incident sent you into therapy-- did he go to therapy with you at the time?
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 10:00 AM
Those of you that think porn is fine, do you feel at all insecure if he is looking at women that don't look anything like you. For example, DDD, 120lb, model type women? It makes it hard for me because I compare myself to what he is looking at and getting turned on by, although he is turned on by me too.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 10:25 AM
To the 10:25 poster...who has the problen with porn if you admit your man is turned on by you even after looking at "DDD 120 lb model-type women"? Ask him why he enjoys looking at it. It's obvious he is still very attracted to you. Men are just wired differently, for better or worse. If you are threatened by a picture of a woman he is never going to meet or be with, try thinking of what it is that is so threateneing to you. I'm betting there may be some insecurity or self-esteem issues there for you that will not go away just because he doesn't look at pictures.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 10:35 AM
I think every woman has some insecurity issue and never feel completly unthreatened by other women.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 11:52 AM
I've gone out with a guy who looked at porn a lot -- and mostly pictures of women who looked nothing like me. Did it make me insecure? No way. You know what Mae West said -- "A model is just an imitation of the real thing."
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 12:08 PM
I absolutely adore Johnny Depp. However, I have never once caught my husband looking at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, tormenting himself over how he stacks up in comparison. Why is it that women can't seperate the fantasy from the real?
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 12:39 PM
I'm the 1:58am poster who gets propositioned by married men all the time (several times a week...I'm a magnet for them, yuck).
It's not about perfection, it's about something different from what they have at home. Why the hell else would very successful, very attractive, very charming men hit on a short, fat (this was happening when I was as big as 215 lbs), cosmetic-free, poorly-dressed 30something like me? If they were single, they wouldn't give me a second glance. I'm just different from their wives...and I know at least a few assumed I was so desperate for a little attention (some of them actually said that, so that's not my insecurity talking) that my status standards might be lax.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 12:52 PM
OP- I can feel how upset this makes you. That said, I'm very concerned about a few things, mainly your wellbeing.
I would recommend if it is at all possible for you to goa nd talk to a professional about the way you feel about sex. A tramatic event happened to me as well that prevented me from wanting to have sex or even look at anything remotly sexual. It discussed me to see men hitting on women and couples showing PDAs. I talked with a counsler and I now have come to terms with my past and was able to move on. I'm getting the impression from your post that you're still very much affected by what has happened in the past and so you wont let things "move on" so to speak.
There is nothing wrong with your husbands porn if he can control it. That means that he abides by the "rules" you gave him (keep them locked up, etc) and that porn and masterbation isn't controlling his life. You should be able to talk openly with your husband about these issues without embrassment on your part or anger on his. Tell him how you feel and say that you are worried about his choice of material (transexual women, young, young women). He may just tell you that he's not even looking at those pictures, but looking at the other ones in the magazine... maybe even one of his friends gave him a copy of the magazine- who knows? But keep this in mind- a fantasy is just a fantasy, even if your husband is into boys dressed as woman it doesn't mean that he wants to experience first hand that event. Talk to him, let him know your concerns and love and care for him. Together you can come up with a solution to your problems.
Another option may be that you can both go to a sex-counsler, but you should be comfortable with the topic yourself before that happens. Good Luck- its natural, everything is ok.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 1:04 PM
to the op: you wrote that your therapist at the time of the "incident" recommended that you stay together for the kids. is that still the advise you are receiving? i'd say, from what you wrote, that your marriage doesn't revolve around mutual trust, respect, or even understanding. maybe you ought to re-evaluate the commitment you've made to each other and figure out together what is best for your family? clearly there are issues you do not want to discuss with him-but these issues are affecting you and, no doubt, your emotional health. this in turn affects the kids. so, how do you want them to view your commitment? as something you are afraid to let go of, something you allow to control you, even if it is unsatisfying and brings up past trauma? i strongly suggest talking with your therapist about your options. best of luck! (i don't think you can get rid of the porn and move on. it seems the porn is a result of your marriage problems, not the cause.)
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 3:06 PM
i can't speak to your issues re: your husband's parenting skill, but i can maybe help you feel a little more comf
i used to be threatened by my boyfriend's porn collection...then he suggested i just take a look at it. best idea ever....i highly recommend checking out some porn yourself on the internet. even if you're not "into" it, i think you'll realize what a big deal it *isn't*.....it's definitely nothing to be threatened by.
i understand how it can be a little strange to think that the person you love has aspects of their sexuality that have nothing to do with you (although in your case, since you don't have sex, that may not be that difficult to embrace), at least, for me, i think that was the problem. but once you accept that, and perhaps explore your own sexuality a little more (which can be hard when you're anxious...either about your appearance, or because of past traumas, or for whatever reason), you'll realize that, in healthy doses, masturbation (with or without porn) is just another fun activity...kinda like running...that relieves stress, and is in no way shameful or indicative of a problem and it is NOT a substitute for sex!
you're not going to change your attitude overnight, but i recommend you begin to try. you can't change anyone else's behavior or attitude, but you have total control over yourself. *you* will be a happier person if you can reduce your anxiety about masturbation and pornography.
once you're a little more comfortable with it (perhaps therapy is a good idea), maybe you can take your new open-mindedness to your husband and start a discussion and let him know you accept his sexuality. perhaps your accepting attitude will be a jumping-off point for a romance rekindling?
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 4:28 PM
This thread is very interesting. I asked my husband point blank after reading it: "What would you do if I wouldn't have sex with you? For years?" After he gave me a surprised look he said softly "Masturbate - a lot" then added "but I would hope that you and I would seek couseling before it came to that."
Then he went back to reading and I continued to read a few more things. He sort of stopped and looked thoughtful for a bit and said "Did you mean just no sex? or did you mean no affection too? You know - I could go without sex for a very, very long time as long as we could still be affectionate. More than I need intercouse I need physical contact. I need to hold you and feel you and I need you to touch me and right now those things usually lead to sex eventually, but if they didn't I would be OK for quite awhile. it's the physical contact with you and the affection that i would miss more than just intercourse."
I hope that you can still enjoy the touch of your husband's hand on the small of your back or the feel of his arm wrapped around your waist or shoulders. I hope you can enjoy dozing against his warm body with your head on his shoulder you arm draped over his chest. I hope that you still look at him with a smile in your heart, but somehow from the tone of your post I do not think that you can.
People have physical needs (which include sex, but also the need for physical intimacy and affection) that are inexorably tied to their emotional ones. I get the distinct feeling that yours have been re-wired due to your traumatic past, and your husband is trying to cope with his in the absence of a willing partner. Neither of you seems to be able to truly communicate with or deeply listen to the other (or you likely wouldn't be in this situation).
I sincerely hope that you are able to work out your issues with trust, intimacy and sex and either work things out with your husband (who likely has some issues of his own to work out) or move onto a new, healthier relationship. Joint counseling has been helpful to many people and it is what I would do, but we each need to make our own path in this life, so best wishes to you in your life's course. My heart aches for you and I wish you peace.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 5:27 PM
Look, I'm not trying to attack. I understand you have deep-seated issues about intimacy and that this is painful for you.
However, you did not "find" your husband's porn. You went looking for it. You went looking for it in the place you asked him to put it (and he complied, which is better than a lot of guys would do). I think there's a much deeper issue here than porn or masturbation, and couples counseling could help you, if you both go into it WANTING to resolve this (wanting to be happy together, not wanting one of you to be right and the other wrong).
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 7:48 PM
i'll be honest - i didn't read through all of the responses here. but my husband also has a pornography addiction. it's NOT the same as looking occasionally, which is normal for men. due to my husband's addiction, (which is probably the same as the OP's husband), he PREFERS the magazines to me. for all of you who say that it is the OP's fault and she is driving him to the magazines, you just make this more difficult. this type of addiction is horrid on women's self-esteem. it adds fuel to the fire that men prefer perfect, un-natural bodies in magazines to the real women who committed to love them no matter what.
my husband started looking at porn again a month after our wedding, which is when our sexual relationship started to fall apart. i thought it was all my fault, and i tried desperately to get him to notice me. but nothing i did worked. i never got to experience all of the newlywed bliss that you hear about. i'd undress in front of him and he'd get mad that i was blocking the tv. i had no idea why he wasn't interested in me until close to our first anniversary when i caught him looking at porn on the computer. we've struggled since then. we've been married for 3 years and haven't had sex for almost a year. he lies to me constantly. and he doesn't just lie about the porn - it's about everything. he still prefers porn to me. now that he gave up porn (or says he did), he prefers nothing to me. i beg him to get us into marriage counseling. i've been asking a year, and he says he'll do it, but he doesn't.
OP - i totally sympathize with you. this is not your fault. an occasional looky - look is normal for men. but a daily dependence is an addiction which needs to be addressed. if not for him, then for you. it tears up your self-esteem.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 8:16 PM
8:16 poster: The OP didn't actually say anything about the frequency of her husband's "use" of the magazines - she just went looking for the magazines and found them. I'm not sure there's any evidence of addiction here. (I definitely don't deny that addiction exists - I know that it does, and I'm sorry it has affected your marriage)
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 9:07 PM
I have to agree with the 10:53 poster...
I were him, I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who calls me a "smarmy middle aged man afraid he's losing his mojo". If you show that much contempt and disrespect to your husband the skin mags are the least of your concerns.
ALL mens mags have adds for "alternative" kinds of porn. As many posters have mentioned if he were interested in that kind of porn, she would have found that kind of porn, not normal porn with ads in it.
And if someone comes on here asking for support because she feels like anorexia is healthy and she wants people to support her, no one is going to be mad for someone saying it's unhealthy. Therefore, anyone who thinks the woman's approach or concerns are unhealthy are ENTITLED to say as much. If all we ever do is support one perspective, we only perpetuate ignorance.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 11:04 PM
Well, I was pretty upset reading this thread. This message goes out to the poster.
1) trust your instincts! Someone who masturbates when there is a child in the room has SERIOUS judgement problems...
2) having an interest in porn is very different from having an addiction to porn...if he seems out of control, or is leaving his magazines out where children can find them, then you are right to have concerns!
3) And this is the top one: if you are in a loveless, sexless marriage, GET OUT. I don't know where you live, but where I live, you are entitled to 50% of everything, his retirement, savings, checking, property, everything. You might need to get temporary help from the state until your divorce is final, but you are worth it. You cannot put a price on your mental health and peace of mind.
There's my two cents. None of us can tell you whether or not your husband is a danger to your children, his interest in porn doesn't make him a deviant or a bad person, but as a victim yourself, you are more fine tuned to abuse than other people. It would be dangerous for us to tell you everything is fine, when we aren't there. It seems to me that the real issue is that you are miserable, and there's no need for you to be! Good luck...my heart goes out to you.
Sunday, August 20, 2006, 9:59 AM
Abused as a child too
OP, I empathize with your having been abused, me too. I think it makes us a little too hyper-aware and sometimes make more of issues or create ones where none exist. I def. agree that your husband should NOT have been masturbating in such close proximity to your son, but he may have (stupidly) assumed because your son was young (you mentioned a high chair) and was lookng away that it was ok. It wasn't.
Now, I don't think porn mags or masturbating is weird...as for the ads I live in NYC and the free daily paper (not porn at all) has a back section that advertises the same things you saw in Hustler and Playboy.
You didn't really mention why you haven't had sex in a long time, but my first instinct is to seek therapy (more) for yourself, but please also include your husband as well. It's possible that he doesn't understand that his behavior could possibly offend you- you mentioned asking him to lock it away for the kids, but didn't mention it offended you too.
As for looking in his briefcase, it sounds like you may be concerned (I could be totally wrong) that you are worried he could cheat on you..btw, I don't really consider porn cheating.
My husband and I have dealt with this, sometimes clumsily, but the most important thing over time has been having open communication and dialogue, which I'm not sure you are ready for just yet. You already took a first big step by seeking therapy, I'd just encourage you to do couples therapy as well. Once you're married, the trauma of abuse is no longer just your issue to work through, it's for the both of you to handle, together.
Seeking help may also allow you to see your husband's strengths, and love him anew (not that you don't, but just in terms of creating a fresh feeling, of hope, etc.), and stop what may be an unfair criminalizing of his behavior.
I really do hope that things work out for the best. Good for you for wanting to protect your children. Please also realize that getting help for yourself and your marriage now will not only benefit the two of you, but help you gather tools for when your children come to you for education and advice about sex and sexuality.
Monday, August 21, 2006, 8:31 AM
OP, please consider the commitment of your husband as well. For years, you have not had sex with him, and seem to regard him as sub-human, yet you say that you could not support yourself without him. Thus, he has been supporting you (likely only because you are the mother of his children) for years, with nothing in return, not even gratitude, it appears. Certainly not love and comfort. The fact that he has stayed with you shows a great deal of commitment, if not to you, to your children.
If you have some sort of proof, or if your gut tells you that your husband is abusing, or thinking of abusing, either of your children, get out. But I don't think this is the case, since you said that if that were the situation, you would get out.
However, it is clear that the environment that your children are being raised in is not ideal. They do not see two parents who love each other and have a healthy relationship. If they never see this from their parents, they are unlikely to achieve it in their own lives. Think of how you want your childrens' marriages to be some day. Do you want them to love and enjoy their spouses, or do you want them to always feel the need to be suspicious?
Please enter some couples' therapy. You should want your husband's sexual attention to be on you, not on other things/people. If you cannot handle the sexual attention, though, then you should appreciate that he doesn't burden you with his desire for sexual satisfaction. As long as you know that he is getting it through his own means (the magazines) and not somewhere else (i.e. having an affair, etc.) please try and be supportive of him as well. He is supporting your desire to not have sex. Please just try to see things from his perspective for a minute.
This may be totally out of the question, but, I love to be the object of my fiance's fantasies. He doesn't look at much porn (though he does have a monthly subscription to Playboy - I don't consider that to be porn though. It sits out on our coffee table. It truly does have good articles and funny jokes!) But, a couple times, we've taken out the digital camera and made our own porn. Now if he wants to look at porn, he has the option of looking at pictures of me, rather than airbrushed strangers. And the benefit of that is, he knows that he can have it! And I have pictures of him too! It's great foreplay!
I do understand that seeing your husband exposed in the same room as an infant would be infuriating! Really, I do! I'd be pissed at my husband if he did that, and uncomfortable. But, I don't think I'd hold on to it for 14 years. It takes until a child is a number of months old before they can rationalize that anything exists that they cannot currently see. Additionally, memory does not develop for many years (what can you remember from before age 4 or so? Maybe tiny snippets of information, but not much.) Your child was not traumatized by that experience; if you cannot let it go by now, please try to work through it in therapy, with or without him.
Good luck!! If you cannot find love and comfort with your husband, through counciling, please try to find it elsewhere. Join some support groups for formerly abused people, etc. Make sure you find yourself supportive girlfriends if you cannot trust men. Take care of yourself first and foremost. YOU DESERVE LOVE AND COMFORT!!!
Monday, August 21, 2006, 11:33 AM
OP, I truly hope you're able to let go of all the harsh repsonses! I realize in a marriage you can't point the finger at only one person; there are usually issues involving both partners and how they communicate, etc. And no one can tell you what to do or how to react. That is entirely up to you. Those of us here can only share what we might do or at least pose questions that may prompt you to analyze your feelings a little more.
I know while I was reading this thread I could empathisize with your situation:
the inappropriateness of him masturbating near your young child (you didn't mention any other inappropriate incidents other than the possession of porn material)
the ongoing (whether frequent or infrequent) use of porn magazines which would leave me with a sense of betrayal. I don't think you mentioned if you feel betrayed or are just worried that he might deviate to other porn/pleasures involving kids, etc.
the lack of intimacy which you didn't mention whether you weren't interested in him or if he never made advances towards you or if he makes/used to make advances but was turned down so often that he never tries any more.
And as a Christian (which I must be in the minority here) I'm amazed at how many comments were made that porn is normal. It might be common, but it's not "normal".
OP, it sounds like you should revisit the therapist, either alone or with your husband. Make sure you can verbalize your expectations/feelings (no porn vs. porn locked up is OK, how you feel about him looking at porn, why he looks at it and how it makes him feel). If you could bridge the gap and find some trust and respect for each other again, then maybe you could investigate ways to become intimate again. Maybe there are ways you could each find pleasure from each other, or at least in the presence of each other. Would he ever want to masturbate while looking at/being with you and is that something you'd be comfortable with? Certainly, you have to get past the point where you think he's "creepy". Obviously there are a lot of things to work out before you'd get to that level of physical intimacy but just something to think about. If you truly feel that he's being inappropriate or taking it too far and you no longer feel safe and secure for yourself or your kids, then you definitely need to find a place where you are secure. It sounds like you've been very open with your kids, just keep reinforcing that. If you do want to make your marriage work, then find a way to talk about what's bothering you, even if you have to write it out. You just have to decide what you really want and work towards that.
Monday, August 21, 2006, 1:50 PM
i think the minority that the above poster belongs to is the christians who don't look at porn.
Monday, August 21, 2006, 1:56 PM
Monday, August 21, 2006, 2:20 PM
right on 1:50 poster. :)
Monday, August 21, 2006, 2:39 PM
to the op
you know the old saying "don't ask a question if you're not prepared to hear the answer"? why would you go snooping in his private things and then hold him accountable to you? would you like it if he was reading your posts on this thread (if that were possible) while you assume you are being anonymous? how did you even figure out his combination? i think your posting reveals more about your needs than his...
Monday, August 21, 2006, 4:56 PM
Your question boiled down to: should I be woried that my Husband is looking at porn?
I'm gonna say no, you shouldn't be worried. Guys look at porn. It's one of those things that we do. There's the old joke- there's two kinds of guys- the ones who look at porn and the ones who lie about looking at porn.
You say that you haven't had sex in "a LONG time." Not to sound coarse or judgemental, but what do you expect him to do? You may be OK with not having sex, but He probably isn't. Seems to me he's "releasing his frustrations" in the safest way possible- he isn't having an affair, he isn't paying for hookers, he's just looking at thhe occasional magazine. And honestly, he's not even looking at anything sick or freaky (compared to the REAL hard stuff).
As for the thing with the kid in the high chair, was that bad judgement on his part? you bet. But, it was probably done with the best of intentions- He was probably thinking, "She'll kill me if I leave the kid alone, but I've REALLY got to take care of some business..." He's a guy. by and large, we're not all that bright. we do stupid things. But we usually mean well.
Could make one BIG suggestion? You two need to get to couples therapy right away. Immediately. From what you wrote, it seems like you don't trust him or even like him that much, and that you're only staying with him for the kids. If I was him, I'd be feeling pretty taken advantage of by now.
Monday, August 21, 2006, 5:33 PM
to the op...
i'm curious what your thoughts are about the responses you've received here.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006, 9:15 AM
I doubt she's looking anymore because of all the idiotic responses.
OP, if you're still here, all I can say is please talk to qualified help or good friends because there are obviously too many mean spirted morons on this board
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 6:25 AM
yes, i am surprised that the responses on this thread were generally so unsupportive ... why would that be?
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 8:30 AM
perhaps her tactics in sneaking around behind her husband's back and snooping through his personal belongings, which were locked up and which he thought were secure, has something to do with it? i think many of the threads offer advise and support-that she should seek therapy. if she had inadvertenly "come across" the magazines, it would be a different story. but he locked them away because she had asked him to. i personally will not support someone's actions if i find them to be sneaky and underhanded. i do however support the idea that she seek out professional help with this issue. that IS offering support...
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 9:03 AM
I think it's interesting that you say "snooping around". Perhaps I'm wrong here, but in a marriage shouldn't you be able to share what's going on with each other... it shouldn't matter if she looked at his porn or opened the box.. she should be able to, there shouldn't be anything that he has that she can't know about and vice versa. The problem, I believe, is not that she was "snooping around" as you call it and looking into things she "shouldn't" the problem is that she doesn't feel comfortable enough to speak openly with her husband about what was in the box, and more importantly, what is going on in thier relationship... there's no communication, if there was, she wouldn't be looking through his things, she would already know what was there, and exactly what he's doing with it. And while I do believe that she needs to seek therapy and speak with a professional and her husband about her feelings and what is going on... I think the poster above you wanted to know how attacking someone and hurling accusations at them is going to help the poster's situation. And help is what she was asking for. No one liked it when she hurled accusations about her husband... why did they feel it was okay to do it to her? There are two sides to every story and I think people are forgetting that they're only hearing one... and not the whole one either.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 11:49 AM
i agree. i would love to hear the husband's side of the story. i absolutely believe that everyone is entitled to privacy and private thoughts and private diaries, journals, etc. regardless of whether or not they are married. wedding vows promise to "love, honor and respect..." she clearly knew these magazines were in his briefcase-she asked him to put them in a locked place. one can make an educated guess that this was so the children would not be exposed. but then she goes ahead and, without his knowledge even, unlocks the briefcase (not box) and goes through it. VIOLATION of privacy. unwarranted search & seizure. one can deduce from the op's posting that trust is not really present in their marriage-and if i were married to someone who snooped in my private briefcase (even though the contents' subject matter was known to her, to some extent), i would not trust that person either. there's no hurling of accussations. she admitted openly that she looked at his magazines without his knowledge. this behavior is indicative of a controlling, insecure person. maybe she is not that type of person, but "if it quacks like a duck, and it walks like a duck..."
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 12:06 PM
AND the fact that she wrote that she found the "usual Playboy..." indicates that she has done this before and is just looking for trouble. this is her problem and she seems to be holding her husband responsible for it and is seeking others who don't respect the privacy of others.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 12:08 PM
what would be the repsonses if she told us that she had some private magazines that she kept tucked & locked away and found out that her husband had "found" them? would you tell her that she has no right to privacy? would you support the husband's decision to look through her things and then need an explanation for what he came across? i think she is getting a lot more sympathy than a husband would if the shoe was on the other foot.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 12:17 PM
Wow, I'm pretty distressed by some of the responses here. Not because of the suggestions made (many of which I believe are valid) but the way people have responded. What happened to kindness? Even if OP has issues, do you really think she'll respond well to that kind of viciousness?
My partner looks at porn daily, and masturbates daily too. We've talked about it. He has an unusually high libido, and that's ok with me. I sometimes watch it with him, if I'm in the mood. If not, I give him the privacy he needs. Because of our open communication channels, I know that he will ALWAYS take sex with me over watching porn and jerking off. And he understands that my desire for sex is very much dependent on what is happening in my head at the time, how I'm feeling on an emotional level. And happily, he accepts me.
OP, you're in a very difficult place. If you're still out there reading this, I wish you would consider all the advice, and totally disregard all the bitchy comments. I wish you well!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 1:00 PM
to the op
if you're worried about someone who is interested in this sort of stuff having contact with your kids, i think you're in for a real surprise. people of all different backgrounds (including teachers) are into many forms of media-sex. it's not a question employers ask when hiring for a position. your priest may even be into looking at people in magazines-or your neighbor, or the nuns at your church. i mean, your husband was pleasuring himself to the sears catalog!! there are opportunities to find sexual references everywhere. i think you need help understanding that just because one may have an interest in sex does not mean that it needs to be deviant sex. and you cannot expect to hide all sexual material from your children in this day and age. even commercials use sex as a selling tool.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 1:10 PM
it sounds more like a curiosity than "a sixth sense". some people who have been victimized sexually are very ashamed of their own sexuality and sexual curiosities. in a way, this looking into his magazines is fulfilling a desire to know more, but unfortunately, i think the shame associated with her past sexual trauma has been transferred to the husband's behavior rather than recognized by the op. therapy gets my vote. this can be helped.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006, 2:46 PM
After some of the nasty responses I stopped looking at this thread because it was just too disturbing. I had a hard time believing people could be so unkind in their responses.Morbid curiosity made me look today. I have had time to digest some of the comments and help people offered and had a hard look at myself. Yes, I have issues. But I also know that there is a reason for me feeling the way I do about my relationship--his affairs (long before the sex stopped) his bad judgement concerning his behavior around my kids. My instincts told me to keep tabs on him and I have. Since my original post I checked the history on my computer (I have teens---it's somthing that good parents do to check up on their kids' internet use). Searches were made on a day that only he was home and these were the keywords and links opened:
sex reassignment surgery;
lolicon (sexual artwork involving childlike characters);
gender and sexuality studies;
frot (male-male genital sex);
ephebophilia (the condition of being sexually attracted to adolescents).
(These searches were done on Wikipedia and were basically definitions. Why would they be searched unless someone was seeking information?) Yes, there were other searches not listed--they were all things that a normal male might download or look up. They were all sex related (like Paris Hilton's sex video). The ones pertaining to children are the ones most disturbing to me. Wouldn't it be to you?
These were links and word searches done by my husband. Still think I have issues and am paranoid? I searched his stuff originally because I was told by my therapist years ago that I need to keep and eye out for my kids. I was told by a therapist a few years ago that it was possible he might do something to my kids just to hurt me. When I had a daycare years ago, I found a pile of playboys in the area where I ran my daycare. I asked him to remove them and lock them up. I thought he had. Three weeks later I found them again in the same place. Are these the actions of a trustable person? Would you leave your pre-schooler at a home where Playboys were accessible to them?
There are of course, other incidents I am not relating that fuel my un-ease but are in my mind just the same.
Yes, I will get therapy. But for now my money needs to go somewhere where it will help support my kids' future. Paying $100 an hour to a therapist won't keep them safe or secure their future. My instincts tell me that he has not done anything to my kids yet. But I do feel they are in danger. They need both parents in their lives even if it is a bit dysfunctional so I will continue to keep an eye out. No judge would award me sole custody based on what I feel. I want to be divorced. I am tired of the dysfunction.
And all you people who posted about how awful I am to have gone through his briefcase--consider this: I am only looking for anything that would point to him abusing my kids. That's all I look for and I only look infrequently. My husband since day one has gone through my things, reads my mail, reads my diary (and complains about the content), reads my datebook, etc. I have no privacy. So I have no qualms what so ever about checking his briefcase for child porn. Before you judge someone, walk in their shoes and live their hell for a day. You wouldn't be so quick to judge if you were at all human.
My original post was to ask if people thought I was way off base for feeling threatened for my kids by this porn I found. I know I am sometimes paranoid about sexual behavior--I wanted some feedback. I am not a prude. Porn is fine for some people and if it works for you, great, power to ya. But would you let your daughter or son spend the night at a friend's house if the friend's dad had searches on his computer like the ones I listed above?
I think you can only answer that question truthfully if you actually have children. Until then, don't be so quick to judge (and lighten up on the mean comments).
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 4:13 PM
I think you need to add a program like Spector Pro, eBlaster, SpyAgent... etc.
If you find that he is actually looking at any child porn or participating in online chat with anyone underage I think you have a duty to be monitoring his activities, and the next step in my mind would be to turn the information over to the police once you find proof.
I know this may sound extreme, but if you truly feel your husband may be a pedophile you should be concerned not just for your own kids but for their friends, your neighbors, relatives, etc.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 4:29 PM
the responses were just that-in "response" to your original post. frankly, if you were so worried about the content in your home being threatening to your own children, why would you open a day care there? you asked if i would allow my son/daughter to spend the night at the home of someone who had searched for the types of topics you listed...how can you ever be sure what other people look at on their computer? do you go and snoop at the homes of every child your children make friends with? and people can look this type of content up on any of many public computers or at work or at the home of a friend. how could you allow other parents to place their child and their trust in you and the safety of your home when you don't even feel you can protect your own children in the same environment? you never mentioned extra-marital affairs or that your therapists suggested you keep tabs on your husband. what in god's name did you stay for? all of the reasons you've provided as defense for your actions are more than enough to have driven me to a shelter if necessary to get away from such a sexual threat.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 4:35 PM
aren't there programs that you can install to eliminate the possibility of visiting those sites?
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 4:37 PM
Have you approched your husband about these issues?.....you probably have but if not perhaps consider sitting down and talking to him about the computer searches and what you found in his briefcase. Listen to his explanation......and then consider for yourself whether your marriage is worth saving, whether counseling is appropriate or divorce is the answer. If you can't or won't communicate with him about this, perhaps a divorce is the best answer.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 5:05 PM
If your husband really has a problem with these things you mention I don't understand why you haven't left him yet! I cannot imagine any reason to even put your children in a position where harm COULD come to them. If you are serious about the things you have said you need to leave and take your children with you, bottom line. And I'm not trying to sound rude, if they are in danger leave.
And if these things are going on you need to report him.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 5:17 PM
to the 4:35 poster: and from that shelter would your kids be safe from that "sexual threat" when they went for their scheduled visitation with no other adult supervision? Who would protect them? Like it or not, our courts don't always protect children. They can call it "parental interferance" or "alientation of parental affection" or something if you accuse your spouse of such things, and give them full custody. I am not willing to risk that. Would you?
As for the day care: I started it so I could support myself if needed be if I had to leave. The kids were only there during the day when he was at work. The magazines however, were there all day until I found them. Should I have shut down and made myself completely dependent on him just because he is stupid enough to leave shit like that laying around? I thought I took care of the problem.
What would you do in my situation? When your spouse is telling you that you are so "way off base" about his behavior around the kids. That he would "never hurt my kids". Yet he leaves stuff around the house like Playboys; he walks around in his underwear when his daughter could see him; he looks up weird searches like those I listed; that he would even think of having his pants around his ankles, masterbating when his son is in the room.
What am I SUPPOSED to think?
I am between a rock and hard place and until and unless I find something very concrete that would point to sexual endangerment to my kids or someone elses, I am NOT going to put my kids in a situtation where they are alone for an extended period with him, unsuperivised. Divorce would do just that.
I do not tell my kids "tell me if your dad ever molests you" as that might damage them. I DO tell them that if ANYONE ever touches them in that way or makes them feel uncomfortable---relative or stranger or friend---tell me and I will take care of the situation.
Even if he never touches them, I am very nervous with him having those kinds of thoughts about kids. Wouldn't you be?
This post has nothing to do with "normal" pornography and everything to do about abnormal sexual behavior concerning kids.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 5:21 PM
The system protects you more than you realize. File a complaint with your local police department. Stay with your children at a family member's home. Until courts mandate visitation, you are not required to do allow it.
Request a restraining order against your husband. You have more than sufficient grounds to do so. If you can, hire a PI. They are somewhat short-term and affordable nowadays, since they're mostly used to check out spouses who are having affairs.
Install the key-trace program mentioned earlier on your computer. You will be able to see exactly what he's doing and to whom he's writing it. That can also help him get arrested, esp. if he's soliciting underage kids to have sex or get involved in explicit online chats.
Explore your domestic abuse groups. Domestic abuse isn't just about physical violence, it's about emotional violence too. It sounds to me like your husband is a control freak (checking your things) and just pushing your buttons as much as possible. And he knows you've been abused yourself, I think he's using that to torture you with his behavior. Seriously.
Please get out. Until you do, you may NEVER really know if he's abused your children or not. Your staying with him may send a message to them that what's happening to them is OK with you. Get out, please, OP. Get out for your sake and the sake of your children.
Here's a link I hope will help:
Please let us know how you do.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 6:09 PM
OP here: to the 6:09pm poster: your words have really shaken me.
I will have to digest this for a bit before I do anything. It is scary to think after 21 years, of going out on your own. About a year ago I finally realized that he was actually emotionally abusing me and my kids. I am a strong believer in God and I am sad to think of breaking up my children's home--no matter how dysfunctional.
But how many years should I pay for a mistake in chosing a lifetime partner? When I met him I was pretty mixed up about relationships. When I started counseling and attending 12 step groups I acheived some better mental health in myself. By then I already had two kids.
I always swore, my kids would have a better life than I had. I've really missed the boat on that one.
Thanks for your kind input. As one poster said (in a different context) "if it walks like a duck......."
I think I have finally seen a duck.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 6:31 PM
I think that if you feel your children are in danger, you need to leave. There's nothing else to say about it. No God is going to blame you for protecting your children. Good luck.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 7:05 PM
Is this for real? I don't mean to be disrespectful but this is really starting to sound farfetched....each time someone asks a question or gives advice the OP seems to add more damning information.....the thread changed from a husband finding porn to some one who could be a pedofile......strange.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 8:24 PM
nobody wants to believe that sexual assault is real. it's too awful to imagine. but it is real. if this woman perceives that her husband could abuse her children, she needs to get out.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 8:28 PM
to the 8:24 poster: yes. This is my life and it is all true and not made up. No I did not post all of the other stuff the first time because the history search on the computer had not occurred yet. I thought that listing the circumstances of finding porn that had parts of "teen" pornography advertised in it ws sufficient. My problem was not with the porn but the potential of his interest in teenagers advertised in it. After reading the responses immediately posted the first time, I was convinced that I was barking up the wrong tree and really needed mental help. I have since changed my mind. I am going to trust my instincts in the future. While I didn't find actual child porn on my computer, I think the nature of his interests is quite evident by his internet searches.
I live a comfortable middle-class life. On the outside we look like the perfect family. Next time you see an average family, ask yourself what kind of crap they are REALLY living with.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 9:05 PM
To the OP: here is a quote I look at everyday...
"Don't think about the cost of doing something, think about the cost of doing nothing."
You just need to ask yourself if you are willing to do nothing...
the cost of doing nothing could be much higher than you know...
is it worth the potential risk...
can you see everything that goes on when you are not there...
or even when you are...
can you and your children really afford to stay...
And don't think that you "missed the mark on that already"...it is never too late. Yesterday is gone, but the future remains.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 9:46 PM
to the op: i think some people maybe barked down your throat the first time because your much of your post were things that normal men do all the time. porn is not the problem in general. no one knows your situation like you do-so now that you have elaborated-i'm sure people see your concern. get out of the relationship-even w/o the searches on the computer recently-if he is reading your diary and you have no privacy and he has had affairs etc. . . . neither of you sound happy and it is best for all of you to separate. good luck.
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 10:10 PM
to the OP
What the man did in the presence of your child was wrong - he could've waited for you to get up to go and pleasure himself in a more appropriate location away from the children.
As for the mags, it is unfortunate that most men feel that they need to look at dirty magazines. I understand because when I found that my man had them, I felt sad and worthless. I am in my 20's and so is my man, and the magazine showed "barely legal" girls in them. I was completely crushed. I talked to him about the way I felt when I found them. If my man still has them, he is very good at keeping them hidden. I have come to understand that men are very visual and they are often thinking about sex. If you are able to have sex with him (whatever the reason is), you have to realise that men need a visual outlet. It is normal for men to have magazines and porn. He is keeping the porn hidden in a safe location (in the locked briefcase), so there shouldn't be any concern of your children finding it.
Have you talked with your man about your past so that he understands the issues about your views on sex? If you spoke honnestly with him (if you haven't done so already) might help him understand why you are concerned for the wellbeing of your children.
Besides the incident in the kitchen, is there anything else that causes concern for the safety of your children?
Thursday, September 21, 2006, 10:48 PM
if you flee from your situation and go to an organization like "WomanSpace", a protective agency for domestic abuse victims, there they will provide you with necessary counseling and also not give out any information about you without your explicit permission. you could document all of your concerns and go speak with someone from such an agency before even packing up your things. if you file a restraining order, your husband will not have unsupervised visitations with your children-especially if he has no idea where you are. is it the comfort of your middle-class life that you are unwilling to leave? sounds to me like that lifestyle is more detrimental to your health and your childrens' lives than living in some safe-house. you have spent a lot of time checking up on your husband and his activities. may i suggest that you spend as much time researching your possible ways out?
Friday, September 22, 2006, 9:16 AM
to the op:
you wrote that going out on your own after 21 years seems scary. haven't you basically been on your own emotionally and psychologically and, from what i understand, physically as well for many years? is your fear of having to turn to others for help more daunting of a prospect than the perceived threat you have your children living with every day? this husband sounds like a stranger to you. if you know so little about his underlying interests and feel threatened by what they may potentially be, why exactly are you still there? you seem to be stressing the severity of your problems in order to explain that you are not some paranoid prude and that there are very real and dangerous circumstances to consider before judging you. take a step back and review the things you've described and ask yourself-does it makes sense that i am STILL here? does it make sense that i CONTINUE to expose my children to this person? are MY actions defensible?
Friday, September 22, 2006, 10:30 AM
i think the op needs to find some sort of support group !! below is a link to some national support groups that may be able to help the op or others who find themselves in a similar situation. best wishes for taking the steps you need to get out!!
Friday, September 22, 2006, 2:33 PM
here is the link...
Saturday, September 23, 2006, 11:33 AM
Wow, first of all I'm shocked that any therapist would suggest you stay in a marriage because of the kids. I can't even begin to wrap my head around that one. We all know that staying in a marriage for the kids does more harm then good. Kids are like sponges, they absorb way more then we think and seem to be able to cope better in the long run then to witness years of an unhappy, watchful marriage.
2nd, why have you not have sex with your husband? And how long has it actually been? If he truly creeps you out how can you stand living with him? I think for the most part it is sort of natural for men to look at those magazines. I don't think red flags should be raised with playboy or hustler but if it were some sort of child porn then thats another story. Normal porn adult doesn't offend me. I do think its way out there that you witnessed your husband jacking off into a catalog while your child was having breakfast. Did you confront him when you saw this, and if not why? Maybe your husband is a sex addict, or has a high sex drive. If you left do you think he would want the kids? I, personally would never stay in a situation like that. As far as leaving and support, you are entitled to half of everything, including his SS, 401k or any stocks/investments as well as child support and alimony if you chose to leave. How does he treat you and the kids at home behind closed doors?
Saturday, September 23, 2006, 1:10 PM
yeah, seriously, i too have doubts about a therapist who would suggest such a thing. perhps this was not a certified therapist? or maybe was a priest?
Saturday, September 23, 2006, 4:51 PM
Unbelievable that you are still there. Living with him for the sake of the children. Do you really, deep down in your heart think that's right? Is it fair to you to have spent so many years unhappy, creeped out and worried for your children? What he is looking at, all this child porn stuff among other things, he could actually get in trouble for, possibly even go to jail. You need to find the strength to leave him. Don't waste any more of your life with this man. Your kids might surprise you and understand, maybe even be relieved. They might like to see you be free of him and have a chance at some happiness. There are so many organizations out there to help people like you. Start making some phone calls. Personally if it was me I would kick him out and file for divorce and then take everything and anything you would be entitled to. I would also make sure it was known why you were doing this so he might have to have supervised visits with the kids. How old are your kids anyway? Surely they must be older by now.
Sunday, September 24, 2006, 2:15 AM
to the op...
what is your situation like today?
Monday, September 25, 2006, 10:29 AM
were the two of you being intimate at the time of the Sears catalog incident?
Monday, September 25, 2006, 2:21 PM
Adult porn mags I can handle, jacking off in front of my kid? Absolutely not, something is wrong with this man to think it is okay to do that, even if the kid's back was to him. Not confronting him? Theres no way in hell I wouldn't. BUT this list of other stuff on the computer, besides from being a very odd and curious mix of different things, normally I wouldn't expect to see such a very wide range of things, has me starting to think that maybe this isn't a real situation. Pedophilia doesn't exactly go hand in hand with, gender studies, transwoman, reassignment surgery, that is to say a pedophilia woouldn't be looking at some of this stuff listed here. It doesn't make sense. BUT if this truly is a real situation you need to call the police and you need to wake up and get out of there. Who gives a shit if he seems like a good father, a good father doesn't look at shit like this unless he's sick. What the hell are you still doing there? If a therapist told you it might be possible he might do something to your children your and your still there. This is what you originally said
" If there WAS proof of bad intentions on his part, the lack of self-financial support wouldn't matter--I would leave immediately and take the kids to safety---so don't worry that I am some "dumb" broad who would leave my kids in danger."
In effect you are that dumb broad because your still there even though a therapist suggested he might try something with your children a few years ago, but now you add in all this stuff you say he is looking at and your STILL there?? What is wrong with you? I was sexually abused also and I would never tolerate this crap from my husband, a man you should be able to trust, share and feel safe with. Having been a victim of sexual abuse why would you waste more time contemplating this issue if in fact this is real? You only have one life and it is way to short to spend living in fear and loathing the person your with.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006, 4:06 AM
to the op
there is another thread that focuses on domestic violence/abuse which i think may help you out. may i suggest that you take a look at it?
Tuesday, September 26, 2006, 2:17 PM
strange. it appeared that a comment was added in the early morning of oct. 6, but that comment is no longer here...anyway, this thread is wildly interesting.
Friday, October 06, 2006, 10:17 AM
I quit reading the responses because so many were aimed at each other, so I don't know if a view similar to mine has been expressed.
I precede this with the note that I realize many people find porn to be perfectly harmless and normal. That's understood. That view has been strongly expressed.
Mine is different. My husband and I both belong to the same faith, and we consider the viewing of pornography to be a moral weakness, and a morally weakening behavior. Obviously, for this we can be viewed as prudes, Puritans, Victorians, idiots, etc., so just consider it all said already, okay? I'm trying to offer the OP something that may not have been expressed here. What she finds fits her own feelings is her business.
If you, OP, find pornography discomfiting or disturbing, you should be able to talk to your husband about that. I know that in my experience, the revelation that my husband was looking at nude pictures of other women resulted in the experiences of a decade of marriage taking on different meanings. The import of conversations we had had changed; the meanings of certain experiences and actions fell into a new light. Memories I had cherished were disrupted by new meanings. Now, with another decade past, our marriage is still strong; my husband was able to give consideration to my feelings (and it helped that, in spite of his behavior, he carried the same views of it that I did, and then some).
I find it very disturbing that a father would masterbate in front of a young child--not because I think he's a potential pedophile, but because that seems to me to be very irresponsible parenting.
In my own marriage, I would be troubled if my husband were to persist unconcerned in a habit or practice that upset, worried, or hurt me. Both he and I have let go of things in order to hold on to each other. He doesn't have to justify his discomfort to me; I don't have to justify mine to him. If I know that he's worried about money, even if his worry is somewhat irrational, I'm willing to change my spending habits until he feels comfortable again.
If you, OP, find that his pornography use makes you feel insecure, unsettled, or uncertain; if you express these feelings to him, he should give them consideration. He shouldn't, as we've seen above, be more interested in proving to you that you're being paranoid or stupid or prudish than he is in protecting your feelings. The people here at PT can argue idealogies and name-call all they want--they're strangers. But your husband should have a vested and very tender interest in your emotional well-being and be willing to make compromises ("promises with") you. Not simply give in, but at least talk with you and try to understand and try to help you understand him as well.
And that goes for the sex thing. I have no idea why you aren't sexually intimate with your husband, but I suspect it's not his ideal for marriage...and that might need to be considered in the same mutually-considerate, mutually-protective manner. You should show the same vested and tender interest in his emotional well-being that you want him to show in yours.
Good luck, sweetie...you sound really concerned and scared, and I hope you can get this worked out so that you feel secure about yourself and your children and both you and your husband feel understood and cared for.
Friday, October 06, 2006, 12:21 PM
above poster, you should read the entire thread if you want to give advise to the op. she has responded with several key pieces of information that might sway the words of advise you gave her. there are definitely comments that are of a more conversational format, but there is also much information missed when you don't read what's been posted.
Friday, October 06, 2006, 12:27 PM
First I want to thank all of you who have offered support and advice (even if it had a little "edge" to it--we all grow from looking at ourselves through the eyes of others around us). I have been taking steps to make myself more financially independent. I have not worked in years so I am updating my resume and looking for jobs and other ways to get some income. I have the support of my family and friends (who know) and today I feel like I might have a chance at breaking free. It is sometimes through the kindness of strangers that we can feel the sense of community and I thank you all.
My only advice to the world? Trust your instincts and that "little voice" that tells us when something is not right.
I will pass this favor on to someone in the future.
Saturday, October 07, 2006, 8:30 PM
I'ts good to hear that you're taking some positive action and hope everything goes well and you can get out soon!
Sunday, October 08, 2006, 9:21 PM
You have a right to be upset...
OP, so sorry that there have been so many mysoginistic responses to your question. Please ignore them I'm going to.
As for the more important matter of your question, I too would be very uncomfortable knowing that my husband was mastrubating in the same room as our child. I also believe pornography denigrtates the bond of mutual trust and appreciation between monogomous couples. I would not be comfortable if my husband insisted on consuming porn. As such, I completely empathize with your feeling sick and worried.
Others may hold a different viewpoint about pornography, however this is not about them. This is about YOUR relationship and YOUR boundries, not someone elses.
The fact is that what he did was very upsetting to YOU. It sounds like your husbands use of pornography is also hurtful to you.
Have you told him your feelings about his using porn? If so, why does he continue engagaging in behaviors which he knows are hurtful to you? That IS creepy.
Using porn is NOT a basic need, nor a basic right. It is entirely possible to have a healthy sexlife (alone or together) without using porn. Healthy men are capable of mastrubating and enjoying sexual fantasies without Playboy. Sex was around long before Playboy was first published. If your husband (or any other man) is incapable of enjoying his sexuality without engaging in behaviors which hurt his loved ones, then HE is the one who needs help, not you.
BTW using pornography may be normal, however this does not make it healthy(cigarette smoking is "normal" too).
Trust your feelings. You deserve to be treated with kindness, and to have your boundries respected.
Friday, November 24, 2006, 10:25 PM
oh my god! this thread needs to just die! there is nothing that can be added to this thread that isn't here already!!!!
Saturday, November 25, 2006, 2:47 AM
to the op
i really commend you for taking a step outside of yourself and absorbing the advise, albeit sometimes reprimanding, and then going one step further to change your life and the lives of your children. it is hard to hear how we are viewed by others, especially when the majority of our audience does not agree with or support our current lifestyle and choices. while working on your resume, please remember to consider all of the skills you have acquired as a household manager: budget planning, scheduling, trip planning, meal coordination, landscaping/gardening, personal assistant...best of luck to you and please keep us updated as things continue to move forward for you!!
Saturday, November 25, 2006, 11:11 AM
I agree with both sides...
I really see valid arguments on both sides... but at the end of the day this is your reality and you need to decide what you will accept, and so does your husband. All relationships are voluntary at the end of the day. It is very worrisome that you don't sleep together and that it doesn't seem that this missed intimacy bothers you too much. Maybe you should see a couples counselor to work through this together. I bet if you met in the middle the magazines would not be around for too much longer!
Saturday, November 25, 2006, 2:01 PM
I can't imagine staying with my husband if I thought he was creepy. Your children will and have picked up how you feel about each other. They will seek out relationships just like yours.
Sex is a need, not a want. It's as basic as food and water. But, there are obviously other things going on in your relationship. I would be freaked out if my husband was pleasuring himself in front of my kid, but I don't think looking at porn is wrong...you know, unless it was for hours every day.
I feel sorry for you and how you thought that staying with him was the best option for you and your children. Go find happiness!!! You still have the rest of your life.
Monday, November 27, 2006, 5:23 PM
OP, I am also a sexual abuse survivor and your letter greatly concerned me. I started reading some of the replies but they made me sick. You may have already heard this but this is my 2 cents. I recommend you both go to couples counseling. Your husband may be completely innocent however you should also listen to your instincts. Clear the air by having an impartial 3rd party intercede. I hope this helps and good luck to you and especially to your 2 precious children.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006, 12:39 AM
i disagree with 523 poster
i strongly disagree that sex is a need like food and water. what makes you think this? there is nothing necessary that comes of it unless you are procreating. how can you equate this activity with food and water, which are essential to sustain life?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006, 10:56 AM
from a biblical counseling seminary student
Several months ago my husband, who has been deployed with the military since june, mentioned that he'd used porn to masturbate while away. I found myself devastated and crying uncontrollably while he was left confused trying feebly to apologize through a bad phone connection.
When we were much younger I knew he'd used porn and it never bothered me. Every young guy masturbates, and its completely normal to use porn I assumed. But when we got married I thought I would always be enough. When he told me what he'd done I realized that since we've been married this was the first time he'd looked at it. To think of him looking at another woman seemed like our connection, our sacred union had been defiled. It seemed like I wasn't enough anymore. (Many people will read this and say that a man in Iraq with no sex for months on end, should be cut a break. That being said, I went out of my way to take sexy pictures for him before he left so he would have no reason for porn.)
Basically I'm going the long way to tell you that I understand the pain that can be caused by a husband who looks sexually at another woman. My husband is a good man, and we have a very open and healthy sexual relationship. He even had his own sexy pictures of me- and he still looked at other women.
Your husband is not sick and probably not a pervert. And even if you did have a good sexual relationship- it won't prevent these sorts of things. I can also say that I've seen this tear marraiges apart. No matter what anyone tells you- Men looking at porn might be normal, but it is not okay, and it is definitely not healthy. It gives men unrealistic expectations of women. When they realize that their wives will most likely never look like porns stars or do the things porn stars do, they become more and more connected to the women they look at- and less and less committed to the wives of their youth.
Like many others have told you, and I pray you've heeded in the months since this was originally posted, SEEK COUNSEL. Both of you individually and also together. Your husband's issue with porn needs to be dealt with- he must have reasons for it, and he shouldn't be shunned or accused of being a creep. Imagine what his post on this site might look like...(in the alternate universe where men could actually say what they were feeling.)
"My wife won't let me in. She won't have sex with me because she's afraid to trust me. We haven't had sex in years. She has always been unhappy about me looking at porn, but what does she expect? Am I crazy?"
He needs advice just as much as you do. Please find a good counselor. I know there is hope for you, you just need someone to help you find the right answers. :o)
Tuesday, November 28, 2006, 7:40 PM
In my opinion I believe you need to sit down with your husband and have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him the mags much be kept up so the children can't have access to them. I would be very upset if my husband were doing that while my son happen to be in the same room with him ,at least he was turn the other way. What some women don't realize is that men have a sex drive 20 times stronger than we do. Masterbation is a nature normal thing,if there is no sexual relationship between you and your husband what do you expect him to do? Sexual desire is a normal thing that all humans have.
The lord gave us the desire. I know that you have had a very bad thing happen to you in your childhood and I am so sorry for that. You are still suffering from this I feel and this inturn is causing great suffering also to your husband. If he didn't love you he would have been long gone by now. Men give love to get sex and woman give sex to get love..doesn't make sense does it but it's true. Most all men at sometime are going to look at porn. Men are visual and are stimuated by it yes,but it doesn't mean they will became a sex fiend or molester. The physcial aspect of sex in the marriage is the once most important thing to a man. If there is no intimacy between the husband and wife,how does one think they can continue to stay close and deepin the bond.
Without the bond there,it would seem to me that the marriage has become a sort of brother sister thing. Do you love your husband? Are you in love with your husband? Saying you love him and being in love with him are two different things. Do you want to keep your husband? All it would take right now is for the right situation to come along for him to meet someone. Are prepared for this? I am not judging you,I am trying to help you as much as I can right now by telling you this. If there is no sex in the marriage sooner or later he is going to do something about it. If this does happen and he makes a strong sexual bond with another woman more than likely he will continue with her,he may not leave because he probably does love you,so this other person witll be the one giving him what is unmet at home. We all have basic needs. Men place sex as the number one basic need,woman on the other hand place it at about number 5. I hope that you and your husband do have this talk,and try to get some help to save your marriage and to help you get over the fear you have of begin intimate with your husband. It wasn't he that did this to you,I know it is very ,very hard for you. But for you,your husband and your marriage ,please get therapy. I wish you well my friend
Sunday, December 17, 2006, 2:06 AM
Men are men. There is nothing wrong with satisfying themselves. Sex is sex whether they mastrobate, have an affair or role play, fantasize or bring someone else in. Pharamones start jumping and it doesn't matter who is in front of them fat, ugly, young, or old, they will try and have sex with the opposite sex, we were all made to reproduce and men will have sex with anyone that will spice their life. If men feel tired of a relationship they sometime veer away from the one that they married, not because they don't love their spouse but because the spark and thrill of new adventures have ended. Men like always having spark and spur of the moment action.
The problem with most women is they are jealous, or are having low self esteme and can't deal with their spouse seeing them naked or exploring each other with toys and books that spice up their sex life. Men and women like change. If you do it the same way, same time, same days, and the same person their is a pattern and the pizzazz leaves. Then the spouse wanders out to find the pizzazz in a affair or checking out pornagraphy. The other thing is if there is a problem with sexual abuse then that needs to be dealt with in Counceling not here. I know that everyones opinion counts whether it is harsh or not but everyone in this group has almost the same issues WEIGHT, COMPULSIVE EATING OR DISORDERS, AND LOW SELF ESTEME TO AN EXTREME. IF WE FELT GOOD ABOUT OURSELF WE WOULD NOT TRY AND CHANGE OURSELVES.. Healing comes from within. Even if you lose weight, if you don't fix the problem why the compulsion started it will be there hiding in the dark and hit when you least expect it. Then before you know it 1 pound gained here and another there will add up and then the impossible has happened YOU GET FAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! So join in with your husbands likes, (as long as he is not doing anything illegal and not straying nothing is wrong)love yourself and realize that your husband is there and everyone changes so you must change with him. If you don't trust him then the love is considered gone and you should end it!! There is no in between. Either you have love, trust and spice or you don't and must evaluate it and move on.
Sunday, December 17, 2006, 8:32 PM
I was sexually assulted as a child also. I was tramatized!! I held the fear of molestors and sex offenders every where I went. I looked at all men as offenders. I went to extensive counceling and got control over my feelings. I allowed the molestation to affect every step in my life so I live life in fear and anger.Which caused me not to live a productive life. Once I realized that I was part of the problem and that I allowed that jerk to take over my life (FOR YEARS) I had a major turn around. I have a wonderful husband that I love from every inch on my body. I give him all of me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feared him at first and thought he would hurt me sexually but the more I fell in love with him I opened up I trusted him. I feared him when my son was born and I still fear everyone with my son. I still look at everyone as a sex offender but that is my next step in counceling or maybe not. Over protection of children is different. The only reason I was able to do this is because of a wonderful councelor and self realization. IT WAS TRAMATIC!! BUT I AM A STRONG WOMAN FOR WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH.
Sunday, December 17, 2006, 8:48 PM
For the OP: just wondering how things are going...
Wednesday, May 16, 2007, 5:29 PM
Don't know if you're still reading these but I just wanted to let you know about a great book. Its called "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender. This book saved my life, but its not easy to read. I had to face some things about myself that I didn't like very much. It deals with adult victims of childhood sexual abuse and I have to say that his understanding of a woman's heart in the aftermath was right on! Good luck!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007, 7:37 PM
Ok, masturbating 6 feet away from your kid is a little off, but other than that? Given that you and your husband don't have sex, I think it's perfectly normal ( to be expected, even) for your huband to look at pornography. And it may have had adverts for gay porn and barely legal girls, but that wasn't what he was looking at.
I mean, my Cosmopolitan has adverts in it for psychic hotlines, but reading it doesn't mean I'm into that sort of thing (which would be worse than porn, if you ask me...).
He's just looking at pictures. I don't think it's anything to worry about.
Thursday, May 17, 2007, 12:11 PM
As someone who has survived a convicted Pedophile living amongst my children.
I would suggest that the "creepiness red flag" is there for a protective reason.
Please listen to the "still small voice" It knows what is best for you and your children.
I waited too long, seven years, to get out of a dreadful marriage. I had to set aside all my religious upbringing, family interferrence, community scandal and concentrate on what was best for my children and myself. It turned out to be one of the hardest things I've ever done.
My children thanked me years later, for the fresh start,;as young adult they then realized what I was shielding them from.
Don't be afraid to take stock of your life and make a fresh start.
Thursday, May 17, 2007, 12:45 PM
I agree with many of the other posters that the Hustler mag isn't a big deal, but, the fact that he was masturbating in the same room with your child is.
Inuition is ours for a reason. It is there to guide you. I found porn that my husband has bought or downloaded a few times over the years. We talked about it, I am sure he still does it a bit, I think that most men do. I do believe it's down quite a bit. I don't have red flags about his, I just think he's a guy, and men find it hard to avoid porn, they all send it back and forth to one another on the internet.
Amp up your awareness and be vigilant. PLease deal with yor own issues of abuse, because, a sexless marriage isn't right for either of you. Best of Luck
Thursday, May 17, 2007, 6:26 PM
You ave no idea
Your comment/reply to her is very telling of yourself. If she feels it is inappropriate for her husband to do those things, then it is for her marriage, not everone's. We do not need to all believe as you believe. For you to make judgements about her sexuality is totally biased. It is obvious you have never lived in a situation like hers.
Thursday, May 17, 2007, 7:11 PM
I understand totally
Reading your message, I felt I was reading my journal. Some people might want to trash you here on this message board, but if you want to email me personally, I would be happy to email back and forth. I have/am going through what you are. I do NOT think you are a dumb broad or a nut case. I have been called worse.
I will be wishing you good thoughts.
Thursday, May 17, 2007, 7:15 PM
not pleasing them, you mean the same way the OP is not pleasing her husband? hmmm, then maybe that's why HE is looking at porn, too. and that's what many have suggested for the reasons and why it is normal for him to do so.
Friday, May 18, 2007, 10:47 AM
Did anyone bother to take Psychology classes?
My gosh people! This is almost a smash out session on the original OP!! For heaven sake we do not have a therapist degree (or some that do, kudos to u) and who is to say she hasn't TRIED to please her hubby? Some men just loose the love and not interested in sex with that person anymore, the only thing that I can give opinion to (EXACTLY...O-P-I-N-I-O-N) is to talk with him, communication is an excellent building block in relationships (at least that is what i think) and should be expressed freely between loved ones to work out certain worries, stress, or issues. Don't knock the OP down for seeking advice that is not what we are here for (to knock everyone down).
Friday, May 18, 2007, 11:11 AM
This thread is really old! The OP is probably not even on PT anymore - bash away! Ridiculous.
Friday, May 18, 2007, 11:50 AM
porn and masturbation can be addictions
I just ran across your post and hope you are still reading this thread, I hope you are.
First let me say that from reading the responses you have received here that this is not the place to get the answers or help you need with your questions.
Please visit the link below
Here you will find what you are looking for.
After living with a P and MB addict for 17 years I can tell you that you have every right to be concerned about your husbands actions. Please seek help for yourself and your children.
As for the other posters answers to your questions for the most part I see a lot of very uneducated answers being given.
Porn and Masturbation can be an addiction and can distroy the lives of everyone that have to live with the addict. It distroys the addict. If it was just a matter of someone using then and it was not effecting the people who live with, and the person that is using, them it would be a different matter, but this is never the case.
When a person becomes addicted, the addiction consumes everything, they become very angry, selfish individuals, they become abusive. this addiction is progressive in most cases.
J. Please know that his addiction is not related to you, it is not your fault, its not about what you do or don't do, your appearance, in most cases the addict had this problem long before they knew you. In most cases the addiction stems from something the addict did not receive, something which happened to them as a child, it becomes a way for them to escape, stress releaver, or other form of coping device. It is about something which happened in their early development.
Friday, June 08, 2007, 11:38 AM
pullease! this is a normal dude who is stuck in a troubled marriage with a depressed, paranoid, previously traumatized woman. i think he is not the one who needs the most help here. the fact that this woman secretly did not trust her own husband enough around their own kids is one thing, but to open up their home to other peoples' kids, believing that this man's behavior was questionable at best, is just WRONG!!!!! how dare she cry foul and then invite innocent kids into her arena! you don't stop the temptations of a suspected pedophile by bringing more children around the home. help should have been sought many moons ago, by and for the mother / wife in the story.
Friday, June 08, 2007, 11:58 AM
there are some very real problems here, not just with the woman, but with the therapist and the husband too. i hope the kids haven't had to deal with too much in this situation.
Friday, June 08, 2007, 3:15 PM
You, of course, are the best judge of your husband's character. If you don't believe he's ever acted inappropriately or said anything inappropriate around your children & if he doesn't have any magazines specifically about small children, then I would agree that he is not a threat. Many, many men are tempted by pornography, and since you and your husband are not having sex, I can see why it would be even more attractive to him. are you (& he) interested in marital counseling? i believe in sustaining marriage (except if there is any abuse, of course) even if you have problems...we all do. maybe if you worked on your marriage & started having sex together (even talking about his magazines & what he likes about them) you could have a good relationship together. Please don't get divorced until you've given this another chance (and again, unless there is some abuse).
k. in kansas
Tuesday, October 02, 2007, 11:48 AM
porn - bummer!
Find yourself a lover! That's important. Find one who isn't into porn. You deserve the good life!
Friday, May 16, 2008, 12:00 AM
33 yo female who loves porn! What's the problem you ask: hubby HATES it and therefore we never watch it. unsatisfying if you ask me.
Friday, May 16, 2008, 8:53 AM
wish my hubby would meet in the middle, too. He calls me names for liking it, therefore, i don't get to watch it.
Friday, May 16, 2008, 10:30 AM
Foods that REDUCE sex drive
I am a healthy male with an even healthier libido. My wife and I have not had sex for weeks and I find myself less and less interested as time goes by and she continues to do NOTHING about her obesity.
I'd love to know if there are any foods that kill a man's sex drive so I want have to use porn. FAT has killed my sex life and I'd just as soon not even have sex drive if I could avoid it.
Monday, August 25, 2008, 2:16 AM
2:16- umm well a website geared towards people who want to get into shape with lots of people who consider themselves FAT is probably not the best place to post this comment.
Aside from that, I doubt your wife has become "obese" in the last few weeks only curbing your sex life. So we were sleeping with her before that. If you want to make her let "FAT" why don't you encourage her to be more active, even as simple as going on long walks with her after dinner. She's healthier (less fat) and she'll feel better about herself and want to hacve sex and so will you.
Monday, August 25, 2008, 8:56 AM
Foods that REDUCE sex drive
Does anyone know of any????
Monday, August 25, 2008, 1:46 PM
WHO THE HECK DREDGED UP THIS THREAD AGAIN!
Who the heck dredged up this thread from 2006? It's a sad, sad commentary on life in the 21st century. Many of the posts were at best unkind atnd at worst, abuse. If you need a new thread, start one. If not, please let this one die a natural and much-deserved death. The vultures are circling...
Monday, August 25, 2008, 4:46 PM
Thursday, August 28, 2008, 2:13 AM
What does "Bump" mean?
Friday, August 29, 2008, 6:47 PM
You disgust me, whoever you are, this woman must be very upset to have to write on this page and the best you can do is you feel sorry for her husband. I bet you are her husband because only a nasty pervert could answer with such dis respect to another human like that. Please dont ever go into or even consider a life of counselling.
Friday, September 12, 2008, 3:18 PM
I thought we buried this thread.
Let it go people!
Friday, September 12, 2008, 3:25 PM
SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE
Friday, September 12, 2008, 3:29 PM
3:18 F*ck off
Saturday, September 13, 2008, 12:53 PM
Should have started a different thread, PT'ers
But- for the husband who wants to kill his libido, sorry, I don't know of any foods that do that. You're going to have to announce that you'd like to continue the marriage with no sex and see her reaction. If she accepts it, go find yourself a healthy, regular partner to satisfy your urges. Eventually you may have to leave the marriage, but it is what it is. You can't reasonably expect that you're going to have an abstinent marriage.
As for the woman who likes porn, do it when your husband is not around. It doesn't make sense not getting to watch because he calls you names. Just use the porn to masturbate to. Then you can have sex with him without it.
Saturday, September 13, 2008, 4:47 PM
CAUTION::don't read my comment it's just an attack
I am already sorry I asked for advice. Thanks to those of you who actually gave advice and a big rant to those of you who attacked.
Saturday, August 19, 2006, 12:54 AM""
no one has attacked you in any way prior to the post i have just quoted, they are all just giving opinions, here is an example of an attack , WOW, are you fucking retarded? your husband looks at nudey magazines because your not doing your job and now you think he's a pedo, i would love to see the fucking logic train that brought you to that conclusion. as for thinking hes gay or into shemales because of the advertising in the hustlers , thats like watching the super bowl for the commercials, oooh yea give me those roldgold pretzels fuck the epic event thats happening right there on the main pages... you have a very typical female mentality, by that i mean you have a complete disregard for logic and rely solely on feeling generated thoughts, those of which happen to be of your memories of your own childhood experiences which is not your husbands fault. it is your own responsibility as a citizen of our society and as a partner in a relationship to overcome your own mental issues and/or seek help from someone who deals with these issues. and tell your husband before these delusions build up so much that you can't love him any more, oh wait too late for that.,
Sunday, May 15, 2011, 4:19 PM
LOL - you do realize this post was from 2006, right!??!?
Sunday, May 15, 2011, 6:59 PM
How did you even find this post to respond so incredibly offensively to?
It was YEARS ago.....
Some issues I had with your post:
Retarded? If you had an education, or any class, you'd realize this word is not used anymore.
"doing her job".....I wonder if he was any good at doing "his job" to her......bet not......
And your statements towards women in general are basically insulting.
Good Luck. You have some really bad karma to deal with.....
Sunday, May 15, 2011, 10:11 PM
I'm a woman, but I don't really find his or her post offensive. Poor taste of course, but especially seeking as the OP is probably not here anyways, I'm neither offended for insulted.
In fact, I considered "by that i mean you have a complete disregard for logic and rely solely on feeling generated thoughts, those of which happen to be of your memories of your own childhood experiences which is not your husbands fault" to be so incredibly true.
Sunday, May 15, 2011, 10:34 PM
Computer content versus "books"....
I read your post and after seeing him perform such an act with a SEARS catalog, surely there is something sexually troubling this guy.
In a marraige, with kids, no sex, all lead to Sexual Tension in a normal relationship, with a normal guy. Add his addiction to "Skin Content Magazines", and hid need to "get off" on them, and you have a catalyst for a person who needs help. He should have went to therapy instead of you.
When it comes to computers, we designed a product that will quickly search any type of Pornographic images on any PC. This product does not need to be installed and anyone (computer knowledge or not) can run it.
If you have the need to SEARCH his computer or laptop to rule out any deeper addictive discoveries, then please feel free to give us a visit. Smutsniffer.com
Our software is also used by computer forensice investigation organizations since it can run across any network, fast.
I would definetely talk to him about seeking help with his addiction. Addiction to Porn is a dark, quiet issue that is at an all time rise. Since most "men" know how to hide this content from others, this is one of the main reasons we developed our software.
Sunday, January 15, 2012, 7:58 PM
Interesting Possible Comparison SUgary/Fatty food and Porn
This is a bit off topic, so please disregard if you like. But I was reading an author last night who was paraphrasing Kessler's book on the development of "hyperpalatible foods" : you know the convenient processed man made foods that are loaded with fat, sugar and salt, and he noted that they are so overstimulating for most, people that they are sort of addictive and very very hard to resist. He made the comparison that these hyped up food that have so much of what our genes are programmed to search out that it gets us hijacked. And then he made the comparison that these hyperpalatible foods are to healthy food like porn is to sex between 2 caring consensual adults.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012, 1:32 PM
I know how you feel.
And it's OK. You have every right to be disgusted and hurt and don't let anybody try to make out this abhorrent behaviour is your fault for not tending to your man's needs. it's about time men stopped demanding hat their sexual needs are met. Some self-restraint wouldn't go amiss.
I found my partner had been looking at porn online and when I saw what is now freely available online I was sickened. Personally I think men need to grow up about pornography and stop viewing it now! There is evidence of many harms but even if there weren't pornography is still pretty unpleasant beast, showing graphic violence towards women. The images portrayed are brutal, dehumanising and often violent. The messages are that women are always available, prepared to do anything without any consequences. It support the rape myth (that we secretly all want to be raped). The fact that so many men seemed to think they absolutely must be able to satisfy their sexual urges, whatever, is exactly the kind of message given out by pornography.
Many will say viewing porn is normal, that all men do etc etc, as if this somehow makes it right and acceptable. It doesn't. It isn't. Let's stop pretending it's OK. be angry about this!
Friday, January 20, 2012, 7:27 AM
Husband & Porn
I just came across this forum, and while it occurred back in '06, I felt the need to comment. You say he wasn't doing anything wrong, but that is YOUR opinion. She is his wife, and if looking at other women with no clothes bothers, her, he should make HER the priority and stop it. There is no good that can come of that. And trust me, it doesn't matter whether or not she is having sex with him, I have dated men where that wasn't an issue at all, and most of them are still all pigs that look at that crap. In fact, there are studies now that show that the more they look at it, the less likely they want to have sex. Most of the time, real women don't look like those airbrushed photos or have fake parts. So, watching too much of that stuff can decrease and will decrease a man's sex drive. Which is more important? Having a relationship with and focusing on your wife, the one you committed your life too or looking at some sleazy trash that guess what....she is def NOT going to have sex with you....or cook for you....or clean up your nastiness....
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