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Group Member making poor choices

I find myself getting really discouraged by a member of my group. Their food choices are pretty poor...occassional fruits and veggies...and minimal effort working out. I've tried to be supportive and inquisitive...offering suggestions for small changes, talking about her food choices, etc. But there seems little effort at all in making changes and the tone of her responses practically seems insulting to the food choices that I make in order to 1) lose weight and 2) live a healthy lifestyle...the reasons I'm on PT to begin with.

This group mate says she knows what she needs to do to lose weight, but isn't interested in making changes. Do I keep trying, and have the attitude make my struggle to lose harder, or do I just bail on the group (Which I haven't done before)?



Mon. Aug 21, 12:29pm

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i think you should do what you have been doing, since that's what we join groups for-support, motivation, accountability...if the other group member does not appreciate your comments, she can let you know or find another group.

Monday, August 21, 2006, 12:48 PM

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I've had no trouble "bailing on groups" in the past. The group just wasn't helping me acheive my goals, either through lack of logs and posts, or, as in your case, lack of motivation on the parts of other group members. Sometimes in a group for me. Sometimes I'm in the same group for others. When I'm not being helped or being allowed to help others, there is little to no point for me to remain in the group. If you're not getting anything out of it, go ahead and leave without guilt.

Monday, August 21, 2006, 1:09 PM

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Are others in the group giving you support? If so, I just wouldn't bother with this particular group member and focus on the others. If the whole group is a dud, definitely drop out. I've left groups before, too. Sometimes, it's just not a good match, and that's ok.

Monday, August 21, 2006, 1:11 PM

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she may be going through a rough time (self sabotage!) and may not be open to your suggestions because she is feeling crappy about what she has been putting in her body to begin with. she is probably defensive because she is angry at herself and doesn't like that other people can see her screwing up. ask her outright if she is having a tough time, and if there is anything you can do about it. you could also add that it sounds like you guys just aren't on the same page, and that you are thinking of looking for a new group for support. her response will probably reveal a lot.

Monday, August 21, 2006, 2:16 PM

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I agree with the 1:11 poster. If there are other active members that are supportive and trying, then I would stay in the group ....but wouldn't interact with this one particular member. If the group is basically inactive, I would find another one. I am part of 3 groups right now and one is SUPER active and very motivating, however, it is now a private group. Good luck!

Monday, August 21, 2006, 2:40 PM

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I go along with the posters who said, in effect, stay if hte other people are worth it, and leave if they are not.
You only make your own life less pleasant by getting emotionally invested in the other person's issues when, for whatever good or bad reason, they don't want it, at least not right now.
Also, consider that people with mood disorders aren't all that uncommon, and they're probably more common here than in the general public as a whole. People with depression may cycle between phases of being more able to deal with the world and phases of feeling sort of trapped and unable to respond. If that's the problem, there's probably nothing you can do about it - except go back to the original options - ignore and stay, or move to another group.

Monday, August 21, 2006, 2:43 PM

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Well - at least she sounds somewhat active - that's a good thing :-)

I have to agree with the common sentiment. it sounds like your philosophy and hers just don't mesh well, so if I fit will with the rest of the group I'd probably just refrain from making any comments about her food or exercise except for very general things or a positive one here and there about exercise or the occasional healthy dish. Most people get defensive if you're picking on the negative, but will respond well if you accentuate the positive (even if the positives are few and far between). OTOH if the rest of group was not active or I didn't fit so well with them either then I would depart for a group that more closely fits the way I'd like to keep fit and healthy.

Best wishes to you!

Monday, August 21, 2006, 2:50 PM

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Which group are you in? Maybe I will join -- I am always looking for more groups to join!

Monday, August 21, 2006, 3:04 PM

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I am having the very same problem except this person will not log food at all.I like the rest of the group so i think i might stay.I'm thinking of hanging in there for a few days because i really like the others. Maybe she will leave or get with the program if you just leave her alone.Time will tell.

Thursday, September 14, 2006, 1:39 AM

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I notice that there are A LOT of people that do not log - in my opinion they might be trying to avoid accountability for being overweight or unfit. If you are really interrested in losing weight, one of your main goals should be posting, so at least you are being accountable. I LOVE logging!

Saturday, September 16, 2006, 2:32 AM

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groups/logging

Hi! I have stayed in a group that is empty just because all of the converstation seems to stay in the comments section. I really wish the comments would time out and be innefective after 5 or so pages back. At the minimum, I just want to see what happens with the group itself.
I too, get frustrated when people don't log, or they will consistently start out logging breakfast, lunch and a snack, but no dinner... like - you can't honestly tell me you went without dinner... I live for comments... and that keeps me reading through each group I am on. I am an IE'er- so reading other peoples logs when they berate themselves for eating something they really craved goes against my way of thinking, though at the same time I have developed friendships with them and want to see them do well in the end. I know we all choose different ways of getting to the same place- a healthy weight for each of us. I think I still offer a different perspective as well and I hope that my groupmates can still see the benefit of what I am doing and how I am doing it, even though I don't follow a diet mentality. IE is about inner accountability on how your stomach and bodies feeling of what happens with a lack or overabundance of the food it needs during the day. Meaning- there is no other person or book telling you what to and not to eat- it is all up to the person to decide.

Saturday, September 16, 2006, 7:19 AM

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Keep the focus on yourself

Sunday, September 24, 2006, 3:10 AM

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If it bothers you that much you can just choose to ignore her if you like the group or you can comment to her privately and be honest about what you think. That is the beauty of no one knowing each other. If you think it I'm sure she knows it and might be the type who needs to hear it. If you really want to support her which is why we have small groups, just give her some hard advice and tell her what your seeing. Sometimes people don't see things the same way until they are pointed out. Just be somewhat nice about it.

Sunday, September 24, 2006, 11:40 AM

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Do you know what else is going on with her? I know for the last 6 months I have been eating really bad, high cheese, high ice cream, and sugar. I am now back on track, but it took me to get things settled in the rest of my life. I know my group got after me about all of the brownies, and junk I was eating, but I was stressed out, and had a lot of things going on. It all translates to food in one way or another.



Sunday, September 24, 2006, 1:11 PM

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I would ask her kindly is everything going OK. Do you want to talk. If she doesn't respond. Let it go and find another group

Sunday, September 24, 2006, 10:37 PM

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I am so glad the members in my group do mot judge me

Sunday, September 24, 2006, 10:38 PM

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amen! Yes, PT is about support, but for someone to have their whole rhythym upset because one person is having a tough time...?? They need to get over it. OBVIOUSLY if the person is on PT they know something's up. And it sounds like the OP already tried asking them what's wrong, to which they responded that they know what to do to lose weight. Let them be! They will come around or leave on their own. The worst thing you can do is get preachy. What about when you have a bad patch? How will you have the face to log the bad stuff you've eaten if you've been so judgmental?

Monday, September 25, 2006, 8:39 AM

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i think all you can do is reach out. if the other member does not reply to your offer for conversation, let it go. she is not the reason you are here, right? you are only going to add stress to your journey if you attempt to control another's behavior or dictate to others how to behave. good luck with your own efforts in becoming more healthy!

Monday, September 25, 2006, 8:54 AM

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