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OT: What is your opinion/experience on living with someone before marrige?

Would you suggest it or not?

Mon. Sep 11, 11:13pm

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I'd do it

My parents did, and they've been married for 44 years! Seems that knowing what they were getting into helped them make a good decision.

Monday, September 11, 2006, 11:37 PM

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I would say as long as you are both able to be yourselves and you don't have expectations that go like: "well, that will change after we're married" it can be a great way to deepen a relationship and really find out if you're compatible or not. I think another danger is that once you've been living with someone for awhile that you might be less likely to break things off if they are not right for you just because they are not necessarily wrong either, and it's easier than risking being alone. In other words you settle for a convenient relationship rather than be alone. Granted you don't need to live together for that to happen, but it's something that lots of divorcees that I know say.

Personally it worked great for me, but that's not the experience for everyone. I was very against it at first and made sure to maintain my financial independance and that all finances were very fair and equitable. I think having lots of upfront discussions about money, posessions and future plans before we moved in together was a really, really good thing. It got us on the same wavelength on several very critical topics and paved the way for future communications and discussions - which was good because we had to have several about the true meaning of 'clean' and why it is important ;-)



Monday, September 11, 2006, 11:55 PM

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I wouldn't even consider marrying someone without living with him first. Nothing to do with toothpaste cap cliches...it's all about (a) the secrets that they keep, (b) the habits they even deny to themselves that they have [porn, video games, etc] and (b) how they argue/debate/negotiate to get their way about small/medium/big things.

If I'd lived with the now ex-husband for more than 4 months before the wedding, I'm sure I'd have discovered his secret cross-dressing fetish (serves me right for not being a natural-born snoop). The next boyfriend I lived with was able to suppress his nasty, demeaning, controlling side for a year before his true colors showed...I notice that the woman he eventually married was a weekend-only relationship for about 8-9 months before they got hitched.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006, 12:26 AM

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I have been with my BF for four years and living together for two months. It is very quickly forcing us to openly communicate about EVERYTHING and figure out how our personalities mesh on a day-to-day basis on all levels - from chores to deciding what to eat for dinner to sex. I think it is really going to strengthen our relationship, though it can be a struggle right now.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006, 9:09 AM

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My husband and I lived together before we got married. But I told him I wouldn't move in with him unless I knew we were getting married first. So he proposed about a month after we moved in together. It worked out great. I don't know that much changed after we got married--the big difference is that now our finances are legally tied together so we are much more open about all of that.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006, 9:14 AM

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My opinion is don't take living together lightly. In other words, don't jump from live-in partner to live-in partner. If you're living with someone it should be with someone you are planning on marrying. My opinion is you don't necessarily need to be engaged, though.

My husband and I lived together before we were married. Neither one of us took the decision lightly. In fact, he was downright sick about it and was afraid his Mother would disown him - he was a real Mama's boy. We were setting a precedent in both of our family's and both of us had younger siblings. We made sure that they knew the thought that went behind the decision. I did not want it to come back to me years later that, "so-and-so did it what's wrong with me doing it?". I would support the siblings living with someone of course but I wanted them to know it should be with someone they are considering marrying as well.

We did it much for financial reasons. Both of us would have stayed at home until marriage if that was a choice. I think it was helpful to our relationship, though because we had a dry-run at being a married couple.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006, 9:34 AM

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The one

My first thought was DON't do it! You don't have the committment you need to get through the fights/struggles that are inevitable when you merge two lives. But then I remembered if it's right, it doesn't matter. I know people who have lived together, that are now married and have the best relationships around. When it's truly the right one, you can't mess it up.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006, 10:42 AM

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I'll be the odd person out - I did not live with my husband before we got married. While there are certain situations where I think it may be beneficial (for instance, if the majority of your relationship has been long-distance), it is not for everyone. I DO think, though, that you need to spend significant amounts of time together and have those important conversations (kids, religion, finances, etc.) frequently so that you at least have a good idea of what your life together will be like. Sometimes you need to live together to figure that out, sometimes you don't. My husband and I lived in the same city for the whole of our dating relationship, we spent nearly every evening and weekend together, and we have excellent communication. If you can do that, then I don't think you absolutely have to live with the other person.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006, 11:42 AM

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i don't think you NEED to live with someone before you get married but i agree w/ the other posters who say you can learn someone's true nature by living with them. i moved in with my boyfriend almost a year ago and i'm glad i did-not only because it's wonderful to see each other everyday, but also because we can't always be on our "best" behavior. you both will let your guard down, and your pet peeves will come out. you will know in a short time of living with someone what you can deal with and what you cannot. he drives me crazy sometimes-but i'm positive that he's still the right one for me.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006, 12:05 PM

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i would recommend that you move in together as roomates rather than lovers-keeping separate bedromms. then the stress is lifted if it doesn't work out.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006, 12:09 PM

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