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Confrontation as a "new married"

I'm kinda new to living the married lifestyle (we're not actually married). I'd like to hear from people who have been married for a while, or in similar relationships please.

My partner is under a lot of stress at work, and in general. But he's done something that has made me really mad. No need to go into what, it's not really relevant. I don't want to stress him out more, particularly going into a weekend. But I can't "get over it" either. We're supposed to spend quality time together this evening, but it's the last thing I feel like. I want some space. But in the past, whenever we've argued, he insists on confronting the problem then and there. I'm not afraid of confrontation - in fact, I usually much prefer that to letting things build up. But this time, I'm too mad to actually fight with him. Does that make sense? I just want to be left alone until I simmer down.

Advice?


Fri. Sep 22, 3:38pm

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Hi!
I would tell hubby that you are mad and what your mad about but that your not ready to talk about it yet- this situation has you too upset and your afraid that youll say somethng you might regret.
Just my opnion on what i would do ;)
Good luck and try to have a happy weekend!

Friday, September 22, 2006, 3:43 PM

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I am engaged and we go through the same exact things. He likes to confront the situation immediately and I like to think and calm down first. I agree with the above poster, maybe explain that you need some time, and it's ok to say it's because you are mad! But be sure not to drag it out, as soon as you are ready go to him and discuss the situation.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Friday, September 22, 2006, 3:54 PM

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I'm with the above 2 posters-- let him know you're angrey and need some time to yourself.

I've been living with by boyfriend for a year now (and lived with my ex for 5 years) and I have found that communication and taking time to be apart from your partner are very important factors to having a sucessful and fulfilling relationship. Good Luck!

Friday, September 22, 2006, 4:52 PM

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I've been married a little over a year now (we lived together for almost a year before getting married), and for us it comes down to knowing our fighting styles. In my experience it seems as though the men I've been with all have an innate need to solve the problem right then and there, then move on. I for one need time to process my feelings. I don't know if any of you have had this experience with men, but it just seems that as a general rule (I know, a dangerous thing), men need to get it done and overwith so that they can get on with their day.

My husband and I don't fight very often, but when we did, he would follow me around just to finish the argument. I actually told him that he needed to give me the time to think then talk about it on my schedule. As frustrating as it was for him to do, he said that it is much easier now that he knows that it is just my way.

Good luck!

Friday, September 22, 2006, 5:40 PM

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I'm one of those that doesn't like to let a problem fester so I am all for confrontation, but that doesn't mean it has to be aggressive or turn into an argument.

If you are already too upset to avoid that then by all means at least communicate that to your partner so they understand the gravity of your feelings and know that when you are able to have a calmer discussion about it that you will. Then decide what it was about the issue that really tripped your trigger (ex: I'm not mad that you were late, I'm mad that you don't value my time enough to be punctual or let me know that you were otherwise detained - it sends the message that my time means very little) and keep the discussion on the issue (respect in the former example) rather than the topic (you're late - again). Try not to let the discussion cover too much ground and don't drag in extraneous topics or stoop to emotional manipulation (you don't love me enough).

Men communicate really well in terms of problem/solution so if you can show him why you had a problem with his actions (the issue of respect) and what you would like him to do about it (keep track of the time, disengage yourself from your co-workers for 3 minutes and call me if you're going to be late) then he knows how to 'fix' it. Men LOVE to fix things and I find that when I put things in those terms my husband is much more willing to resolve things because he has a set of definite steps he can follow. Just be sure you are asking for what you really want because they tend to take you literally. This does call for a certain amount of introspection and thought to the outcome on your part as to what you are really mad about, why you are so upset and how you would like to see things in the future. Then when you are both on the same page work towards that future together <3.

This approach may not work for you, or be useful in your situation, but at least it's something to consider. Best wishes to you and your SO in working through it.

Friday, September 22, 2006, 7:06 PM

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Talk

Saturday, September 23, 2006, 3:59 PM

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Talk Forgive and forget! Nobodys perfect Let Go

Saturday, September 23, 2006, 4:00 PM

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My husband and I have this same issue. He wants to talk and I want to think, this usually ends up in a bigger fight because we're not getting what we want. So what we have done is come up with a time limit. I will tell him when I will be ready or just a time and then at that time we talk. This way he is calmed by knowing that it will get settled and I have time to put my thoughts in order. I haven't dated anyone else seriously before my husband so I'm comforted by the fact that many couples are going through the same sorts of things. Sometimes I feel like we're the only ones.
I wish you well OP, please let us know how it turns out.

Saturday, September 23, 2006, 10:52 PM

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It's not just men who want to get things out in the open right away - generally I want to deal with things and my husband wants to avoid confrontation, and that's been my experience in several past relationships also.

If you are too angry then get out of the house, leave him a note to tell him you need to get away to calm down, and don't answer your cell phone. There are times it's good to let the situation calm down before you talk about it. You may each see it in a different light. It's hard when we don't know what it is, I mean there's a huge difference between "I caught him cheating" and "he left the cap off the toopaste again." Good luck!

Sunday, September 24, 2006, 1:47 AM

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Sometimes I need to talk to someone else who I can trust to be objective (and discrete) about the situation in order to stand back and look at it more objectively myself. Even if I still feel justified in being p*ssed off I am usually a bit calmer.

Sunday, September 24, 2006, 2:14 AM

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Communication is a must. Be honest and tell him your upset with him but you need to discuss it later when you've cooled down and can speak about it calmly and for now you just need him to respect that and give you some space.

Sunday, September 24, 2006, 2:35 AM

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Write a letter

This may sound odd but compose a letter. As an activity is give you time alone. I often find that while composing my thoughts in writing I can incorporate points that clarify my feelings for the two of us.

You SO has to slow down the emotional flow to read and digest the content of your writing. Don't put inflammatory comments in but let him know how you feel. For example, "I know you don't mean to make me feel this way but when you (insert item) you make me feel like (insert item). When a caring SO reads this kind of comment they have a face saving way of understanding and responding.

Monday, September 25, 2006, 9:22 AM

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Typos not Grammar

Sorry for the typos in that last posting. I was typing while sitting on the couch.

Monday, September 25, 2006, 9:33 AM

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OP here

OP here: Urgh, our argument was preditable. He knew as soon as I got in the car that I was upset. I said that I was mad about a lot of things, that I'd had a really bad day, and that I needed to digest and calm down. He wanted to know what part HE played in me being mad. I repeated that I didn't want to talk about it yet, but that I would. As has been the case in the past, he then sits there and worries about what's worrying me, and every few minutes he says: Is it because I did X? Is it because I did Y? Drives me nuuuuuuts. Eventually I told him what he'd "done". Iit kinda went south from there. Once I started telling him why I was mad, it all came tumbling out... lots of it has nothing to do with him.

Anyway... we did some good communicating over the weekend, which was helpful.

Thanks for all the advice :-))

Monday, September 25, 2006, 1:43 PM

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