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Making friends

I have been married 4 years. I moved to a new community when we married. My question is: Is it possible to become friends with my husband's friends? I enjoy myself to a point when we are with his "couple" friends, and the women seem to like me, but we never have gotten past the acquaintence level. My daughter finds the same thing true with her and her boyfriend's female friends or friends's girlfriends/wives. SO...do I just accept that this is how it is? or is there a way you other women have made your husband's friends into good friends of your own?

Wed. Sep 27, 9:52pm

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That's a tough question. Do you get any feeling that you could relate to any of these women on a one-on-one basis? If so - call or email her (or if there are a couple call them both) and see if she'd be up for coffee or a walk or lunch or something. Pick a venue that's somewhat busy so there's good people watching and have someplace where you need to go later so there's no discomfort about how long this should last. Otherwise I'd say you're on your own.

My husband and I have one friend in common and I have become good friends with both him and his gf - so much so that I will be seriously torn if they break up. However they are the same with me - they are not 'our' friends, they are friends with me as individuals and we actually do things without my husband if he is not available (and vice versa). However this has not been the case with any of his other friends. This is most definitely because these are people I would be friends with if I met them while I was not with my husband and I do think that's the key.

Additionally I have a group of 'my' friends and he has has several of 'his' friends that neither of us really connects with. Some of these folks we do 'couple' things with and enjoy it, but i know enough about his friends and vice versa that we are not interested in being friends outside of a couples setting.

Best wishes!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006, 11:28 PM

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After moving from Chicago to Boston to be with my BF last summer, his friends have become my close friends in the past year. I basically knew no one but him when I came here, except some aquantainces I had known through him from visiting. Some of them are possibly closer to me than him in some respects (one is a workout buddy of mine!). There are many of his friends I would call and hang out with without my BF there. So, it is possible. Takes time and effort.

Thursday, September 28, 2006, 7:44 AM

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OP, you're not alone. I moved to this country a year ago, and moved in with my partner 9 months ago. His friends all like me a lot, but for me, they remain aquaintances (sp?). I spend time with them, and enjoy their company, but I don't really "connect" on a deeper level. In fact, I don't really have any close friends here. It's rough, because you can't replace friendships of 20 years overnight. I am still in contact with my friends at home, but I often feel isolated and lonely here. That said, I think it's just one of those "time" things. If I keep going out, meeting new people, etc., I'm sure I'll find some good friends eventually. In the interim, I try to make the most of my partner's friendships. They are good people, after all. Good luck!

Thursday, September 28, 2006, 9:44 AM

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this is an interesteing topic. my friend married a man 10 years younger than her and moved to the area where he has lived for a few years. he has many friends and many of those friends have girlfriends / wives that hang out with them. my friend has found company at least with these other women, but it has been hard for her to really find a lot in common with them since she is in her late thirties and most of them are 22-25 years old. i mean, she has been through a lot of what they are going through, but none of them have the types of things going on that she does, ie: mortgage, 2 young children, approaching the 40 year mark, marital strains after 8 years of marriage, and so on. i hope i can garner some advise from others' responses. good luck to those in this boat!

Thursday, September 28, 2006, 9:51 AM

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I just got married, and I've made some effort to become friends with my husband's friends. Some of the girls are slowly becoming friends of mine, but I don't know that they'd ever be really good friends. For now, they're good enough though. But I had to make the first move - asking them to grab drinks after work (w/o my then-fiance), or to go walking at lunchtime, etc. You have to make your own friends though. If you don't click with your husband's friends (if you don't see yourself as similar-enough to them to have the kind of bond that you want), then you need to get out there and find friends - much like finding a man, really! Go do new activities. Me, personally, I hate sports, which is the easiest activity to get into around here. So, I joined the junior board of a local theater, and I joined a "Chick Lit" book club. I'm meeting lots of new people through these venues, and when I find people that I like, I ask them to get lunch, etc., and the maybe I"ll start to build new friendships. I'm very much an introvert, so it's difficult for me, but feeling lonely all the time was enough motivation to finally start to do something about it!

Good luck!

Thursday, September 28, 2006, 10:38 AM

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Just moving by itself, without the complications or a partner, is isolating. And I think that the older you are, the more slowly you make friends (in general).

But don't despair if someone is not your best friend right away. One of my most valued friends is someone I initially didn't "click" with at all. But when I became ill I ended up having to call her for help. And thank goodness she was there for me. She for her part was so touched that I had turned to her that it was a real turning point for both of us. Sometimes it takes an "event" for two people to open up to each other and discover what they DO have in common.

Thursday, September 28, 2006, 11:06 AM

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it may just be that his friends aren't the type of people you click w/ intensely (not to say you don't enjoy them). usually friendships happen very naturally, you can't force them. if you feel a connection to one of the other couple's girlfriends/wives then make the effort to see if she feels one too-she if she wants to meet for a walk, or coffee. if not, no big deal-you can still hang out in a couple.

if his friends aren't the right ones for you-try to get more involved in your community somehow to increase your chances of meeting people. if you belong to a gym-take some classes and go everyweek-faces will become familiar and conversations will start. you may gain a workout buddy or more. volunteer to help out at a craft fair, or something else that piques your interest. you will meet people. slowly, but you will!

Thursday, September 28, 2006, 1:10 PM

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