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tough love

Starting a new one because it needs to be said. Some of you sit here and complain, well if that approach worked, you wouldn't be complaining anymore.

Stop whining and start doing something. Anything.

Wed. Oct 11, 11:14am

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don't you think that people who are on this sight are doing something? what you see as complaining, i see as venting and sharing experiences in an attempt to point out to others and ourselves that we are not alone in our struggles. the people you ought to preach to are those not yet familiar with a sight like this one. why not direct your energy into recruiting people for peertrainer or a local gym? obviously people who are here have done something already...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 11:18 AM

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While tough love can be great, of course, not everyone finds tough love useful in their weight loss efforts. But I'm sure others will be sure to let you know!

Hope you're finding this site helpful for your needs!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 11:21 AM

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i agree with the second poster. most of us on here are doing something!

who are you that you are so perfect? do you never need to vent? do you never slip up? tough love works when given w/ love not from a complete stranger who doesn't know the personal struggles of those they are addressing.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 11:36 AM

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yeah, i think you might do better to turn some of that love towards yourself.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 11:41 AM

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While I agree in principle that most of us on this site are 'doing something' just by being here. I'm not sure that I agree completely. I've been in many groups where people join, but don't log or post, or even take active steps towards managing and working on their goal.

It IS tough and not everyone is ready to jump in with both feet. But in my mind, being on PT and not actively engaging with your log, groups, and exercise goals, is sort of like buying a gym membership but not going, or just reading a book on weight loss, but not incorporating the changes in your life.

Sometimes I think 'tough love' gets a bad rap, really what we are talking about is 'honesty' and 'candor.' Sugar coating doesn't help you lose weight.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 11:42 AM

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i'm sorry, but referring to someone's perspective of their struggle as bullsh*t and advising to get off one's fat bum is not productive. i can't find honesty or candor in these comments. these are blind opinions that were offered. agreeably, buying a gym membership and not going is defeating in and of itself, but those who don't participate actively on their logs or in their groups/teams can at least see that others are making strides towards reaching the goals they have set for themselves and that is motivating. the first step to fixing a problem is to admit it exists...people have taken that step and should not be blasted for progressing more slowly than others or byneeding more emotional support than others. i'm not one to sugar coat things, but i am decent and respectful to others when offering my opinions.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 11:49 AM

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There's a line between honesty and nastiness & I think the OP was more on the nastiness side of that line.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 11:54 AM

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You know I think your secretly morbidly obese and hate yourself for it. That's the only explaination why you take a topic that has nothing to do with complaining and turn it into a I hate complainers then start a whole new post on the topic.

Grow up.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 12:46 PM

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i don't see a correlation between being morbidly obese and being downright nasty. are you one of the people who think fat people are angry? i think you could use your own advise to grow up. your comments are no more productive than the original post.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 12:52 PM

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 1:07 PM

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I'm not sure what sort of "complaining" sparked this thread, but here's my 2 cents worth...

Of course there are people that join PT and then never log again.
There are also those that join, exercise daily, log daily, take part in getting and giving advice to group/team members, are active in the pt community and meet or exceed all of their goals.
And then there are all of the others that are somewhere between the two.

You say those complainers should do something - anything. They are. They are logging their thoughts. They are at least logging something.

--Could it be that some of the ones that "complain but do nothing" complain as a cry for help?
--Perhaps a tiny little bit of compassion and encouragement is all they need to help turn things around in their lives.
--Perhaps they see the nastiness of some of the members and decide this is not the place for them.
--Not everyone is fortunate enough to have the self esteem or confidence as those who are enjoying their success here.
--Not everyone is motivated by the same things.
--Not everyone is able to express themselves in a positive way.
--Not everyone has all of the support they need from their friends/family - and maybe that's why they're here.

Who are you to judge what these people do - or don't do?
Why are you here... to help or be helped?
To share advice or to vent frustrations?
To better yourself by improving yourself or by belittling others?

Nobody has to read the comments or logs of anyone else if they have a problem with what is being said.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006, 10:17 PM

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wrong idea of tough love

Tough love means forcing people you love to take responsiblity for their actions, and not supporting their bad behaviors. It does NOT mean calling names or taking cheap shots.

A parent would be showing tough love by forcing a drug-addicted teenager to move out, but if the parent called the teenager a loser, or whiner, or complainer, that would just be abusive. And non-productive

I'm not sure it is possible to show 'tough love' in an anonymous posting in a community lounge on the internet to someone you don't even know.

Yes, it is fine to disagree with someone and explain why you think something is a bad idea. But there is absolutely no need to be rude or call names.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 10:08 AM

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The difference

Here's tough love:
"It's better to focus on creating a routine of healthy diet and exercise than to focus on stuff you won't figure out anytime soon, like why you might overeat. Overthinking it won't make you any more fit. Get moving!"
Here's nasty:
"Get off your fat ass and stop complaining."
If that's not clear to people who choose to degrade others and see nothing wrong with it, then they've got entirely too many issues of their own.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 10:20 AM

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i think it can c go without saying that the op has issues of his / her own with regard to the posted topic!!! and the comments say much more about the op than about the people he/she is "complaining" about. i mean, the op is just as guilty of complaining here.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 11:18 AM

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I think the responses to this topic are telling- at no point did the OP refer to "fat asses"...

Tough love for yourself is telling yourself "you have high blood pressure. You can't have salty snacks any more."

When that whiny little voice in the back of your head starts crying "but I NEEEEEED salty peanuts," tough love is pimp-slapping the whiny little voice until it remembers who's in charge.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 12:29 PM

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to the 1229 poster...

actually the op did make such references, in another thread, which prompted the start of this one. it's the thread about grieving your weight loss...and the way to get a message across is not by pimp-slapping, it's through encouragement or constructive criticism. CONSTRUCTIVE being the key word in the phrase.

i don't agree that tough love is the same as reminding yourself about your health concerns and the food choices you should make accordingly. it's like what's previously been posted-when someone who actually loves another person stops the enabling cycle and takes action that might be seen as cruel if not for the fact that the person taking the action is doing it out of love (not love of themself, but for the other person). strangers cannot provide tough love, but instead can offer constructive criticism.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 12:39 PM

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I gotta disagree- when you're in a cycle of self-enabling, the best thing some people can do is to give themselves a mental pimp-slap. Stop being nice, stop being constructive and stop making excuses.

Of course, I'm speaking for myself. I had an amazing abiity to rationalize almost any bad behavior when it came to food. I would comfort myself with food, I would use food as a reward for dieting (tell me that's not stupid), I would let my little inner voice whine me into eating crap that I didn't need or even want.

No amount of constructive criticism or encouragement was EVER going to snap me out of it- it was too easy to twist into justifications and excuses.

It wasn't until I got tough with myself that I saw results. It wasn't until I looked in the mirror and said "you're fat." it wasn't until I started mentally slapping my hands when I reached for treats- "you wanna erase your results, fat-ass?" that I saw results. 50 pounds and one year later, I'm still holding strong. No excuses for bad behavior, no justifications for eating poorly.

Now I look at myself in the mirror and I say "you've worked hard to get here. Be proud, but be ready to fight." Now when I reach for treats I tell myself "you aren't weak, you know better than this. be strong"

Does this mean I hate myself? Nope. It means that I know what works for me. When I suffered a loss this summer, it enabled me the flexibility to hold my ground until I was ready to continue.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 1:51 PM

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1:51 poster - how great that you found something that worked for you. Maybe you might even try it on your best friend or sister, or someone you know very well.

But would you go up to a stranger on the street and call them a fat-ass? That is essentially what we are talking about when someone responds with nasty rude comments.

Don't try to convince me that the rude comments to a complete stranger are meant to be helpful. Whoever is making those comments is just trying to tear someone else down to make themselves feel bigger.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 2:18 PM

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i think each individual needs to find what works for them. it's nice to read about what others have had success with on these threads and also to read about what problems people have had with some of the approaches they've tried.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 2:20 PM

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I like the fact that we are able to share ideas and disagree on different things, however, we do need to remember that this is supposed to be a warm nurturing place that we come to for support!! The key word is support..If I wanted reality or slap in the face, I'd ask my peers or others who keep it real. However, I also like the fact that I am here with other peole who are on the same journey that I am.

Thursday, October 12, 2006, 10:42 PM

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You know it is frustrating to be part of a group that is there to support all its members and then some come in complain once or post once and then nothing. We can't support people like this and it isn't helping anyone else on the team. If they aren't ready then at least say that and maybe people would have more patience but don't not say anything and expect to be coddled and still get support, in that case you are just taking up a space where someone else might benefit from the group as well as the other members.

Friday, October 13, 2006, 4:49 PM

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