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I'm getting pissed off

Someone will write I ate 3 peices of cake yesterday in a group of mine and will recieve comments like, "oh, it's ok. We all do it. You'll do better next time. "

I eat 1200 calories and exercise, I recieve comments such as, "you don't eat enough. You're being dangerous to yourself".

If you're going to be "honest" and judge me all over the place (which is ridiculous in itself) you should give the same courtesy to the person who overeats and be "honest with them". After all, don't they deserve your concern too? Eating 3 peices of cake is not the way to go and they should hear it.

Wed. Nov 15, 11:33am

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I would tell the person in your group that ate the three pieces of cake the truth. I would not tiptoe around it. They tell you what they think, so you can do the same in return.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 11:46 AM

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"they are probably just jealous."

this kind of comment gets under my skin like a disease. what's the purpose of this nasty analogy anyway? supporting others does not have to involve berating others. throwing out comments like this one serve no benefit to anyone. can't we just stop with the nastiness?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 12:25 PM

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I agree with you OP. I am in a couple groups with peoplelike the one you are describing. I think bottom line for me it's hard to relate to someone who binges and eats a ton of crap everyday. I tend to just ignore those people in my groups. I monitor my food very closely and exercise regularly so it's almost impossible to relate to that type of person. I would tell them the truth too, if everyone feels free enough to tell you what they think you should do the same.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 12:30 PM

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Maybe you need to find a new group that fits your needs more. Obviously you don't mesh well with this group.

You are right though 3 pieces of cake is excessive. For me I told my group I had a small bowl of ice cream with sprinkles last night cause a girls gotta live and they were very supportive, because you do have to be able to live. But this site and our peers should be helping us make the decision that when we just HAVE to have a piece of cake it should only be 1, not 3.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 12:31 PM

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I don't know that leaving a group and joining a new one will help. It seems that there is always at least one person like this in every group... How do you avoid it?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 1:04 PM

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I think people say "don't worry, we all do it" because they know the person is beating themselves up about it. Most of us do that, and it's not constructive. Plus, if I've binged, I don't need someone else to tell me how bad I've been - I know that already.

To the "can't we stop with the nastiness" poster. Electronic communication is difficult to interpret. There are loads of examples where a person makes a comment in all innocence, and it's taken the wrong way. I think we all need to relax a little...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 1:59 PM

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I'm sorta with your group on not chastizing the cake-eater for the same reason the previous poster is. I do not doubt they're already wallowing in guilt and what they need is help moving forward - not more negativity. It's done, they ate it, and the desired outcome is what? To make them feel worse? Well, I for one see no point in beating a dead horse, but rather a need to focus on the future (while hopefully learning from the past). I think frustrates you is that your group members come across as condoning the bad behavior. A group member that was in one of my groups used to have a great saying that was positive without excusing the behavior and that was: "Remember - tomorrow is a new day." and that would help.

However I can also sympathize with you on the 1200 cal limit. I have gotten that reaction plenty and the truth is that 1200 calories is just fine for me. When I was in weight loss mode it was really perfect for steady weight loss. I understand that it may not work for others, but it worked great for me and I found myself constantly battling the concern of those who were ostensibly supporting me and then questioning my (effective) methods. Well I didn't just pull that number out of the air - I went to the mayo clinic website and entered my age, weight, activity level, height and desired weight loss goal and that is the general figure it spit back out at me for weight loss. Honestly, if you eat lots of fruits and veggies you can eat a lot of food for 1200 cals. However on days when I didn't eat lots of fruits and veggies I truly was eating a small amount, but that didn't bother me because I knew I was getting 1200 calories. It would bother my husband though; "That's all you're eating?" Ummm, yeah - that's 300 calories and that's dinner. My response? "You know what? You really don't need that much food."

So, I don't know that we can really tell you how to get the type of support you need from your current group, but it sounds like you would be happier with a group that is made up of people who are on a similar weight loss track as you and who share your philosophy on how to acheive it. My personal motto: "How can people give you what you need if you don't ask for it?" so that's what I would try. Ask for the support you need and if you don't get it, move on. Best wishes!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 2:26 PM

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sorry to go on with this, but "they are probably just jealous" really does not get confusing in electronic comminications. there is no misinterpretation of voice tone or inflection or hidden sarcasm. it is a plain statement that is nasty, period.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 2:44 PM

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Perhaps you might consider whether it's touching a nerve for you because it's close to home? Do you ever get jealous of disciplined people?

I really don't find that poster's statement offensive.

Over and out :-)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 2:47 PM

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actually when i was in high school and started to notice feelings that made me uncomfortable, i tried to pinpoint the triggers for those feelings. when i discovered a feeling of jealousy i would try to find what behavior or trait i was feeling jealous about and then try to incorporate those behaviors or traits into my personality a bit. that helped me turn jealous feelings into feelings of admiration and motivated me to become more like those who i admired. i just feel that when the "they" one refers to on this site are actually fellow group members, it's a bit demoralizing. people are in groups together to gain support from each other and to label those supporters as jealous insinuates a sort of sabotage-method. i don't play that way nor do my supporters. but whatever works for you guys.....results are the target we are ALL aiming for!!!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 3:02 PM

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