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I'm getting pissed off

Someone will write I ate 3 peices of cake yesterday in a group of mine and will recieve comments like, "oh, it's ok. We all do it. You'll do better next time. "

I eat 1200 calories and exercise, I recieve comments such as, "you don't eat enough. You're being dangerous to yourself".

If you're going to be "honest" and judge me all over the place (which is ridiculous in itself) you should give the same courtesy to the person who overeats and be "honest with them". After all, don't they deserve your concern too? Eating 3 peices of cake is not the way to go and they should hear it.

Wed. Nov 15, 11:33am

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I would tell the person in your group that ate the three pieces of cake the truth. I would not tiptoe around it. They tell you what they think, so you can do the same in return.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 11:46 AM

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"they are probably just jealous."

this kind of comment gets under my skin like a disease. what's the purpose of this nasty analogy anyway? supporting others does not have to involve berating others. throwing out comments like this one serve no benefit to anyone. can't we just stop with the nastiness?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 12:25 PM

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I agree with you OP. I am in a couple groups with peoplelike the one you are describing. I think bottom line for me it's hard to relate to someone who binges and eats a ton of crap everyday. I tend to just ignore those people in my groups. I monitor my food very closely and exercise regularly so it's almost impossible to relate to that type of person. I would tell them the truth too, if everyone feels free enough to tell you what they think you should do the same.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 12:30 PM

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Maybe you need to find a new group that fits your needs more. Obviously you don't mesh well with this group.

You are right though 3 pieces of cake is excessive. For me I told my group I had a small bowl of ice cream with sprinkles last night cause a girls gotta live and they were very supportive, because you do have to be able to live. But this site and our peers should be helping us make the decision that when we just HAVE to have a piece of cake it should only be 1, not 3.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 12:31 PM

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I don't know that leaving a group and joining a new one will help. It seems that there is always at least one person like this in every group... How do you avoid it?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 1:04 PM

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I think people say "don't worry, we all do it" because they know the person is beating themselves up about it. Most of us do that, and it's not constructive. Plus, if I've binged, I don't need someone else to tell me how bad I've been - I know that already.

To the "can't we stop with the nastiness" poster. Electronic communication is difficult to interpret. There are loads of examples where a person makes a comment in all innocence, and it's taken the wrong way. I think we all need to relax a little...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 1:59 PM

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I'm sorta with your group on not chastizing the cake-eater for the same reason the previous poster is. I do not doubt they're already wallowing in guilt and what they need is help moving forward - not more negativity. It's done, they ate it, and the desired outcome is what? To make them feel worse? Well, I for one see no point in beating a dead horse, but rather a need to focus on the future (while hopefully learning from the past). I think frustrates you is that your group members come across as condoning the bad behavior. A group member that was in one of my groups used to have a great saying that was positive without excusing the behavior and that was: "Remember - tomorrow is a new day." and that would help.

However I can also sympathize with you on the 1200 cal limit. I have gotten that reaction plenty and the truth is that 1200 calories is just fine for me. When I was in weight loss mode it was really perfect for steady weight loss. I understand that it may not work for others, but it worked great for me and I found myself constantly battling the concern of those who were ostensibly supporting me and then questioning my (effective) methods. Well I didn't just pull that number out of the air - I went to the mayo clinic website and entered my age, weight, activity level, height and desired weight loss goal and that is the general figure it spit back out at me for weight loss. Honestly, if you eat lots of fruits and veggies you can eat a lot of food for 1200 cals. However on days when I didn't eat lots of fruits and veggies I truly was eating a small amount, but that didn't bother me because I knew I was getting 1200 calories. It would bother my husband though; "That's all you're eating?" Ummm, yeah - that's 300 calories and that's dinner. My response? "You know what? You really don't need that much food."

So, I don't know that we can really tell you how to get the type of support you need from your current group, but it sounds like you would be happier with a group that is made up of people who are on a similar weight loss track as you and who share your philosophy on how to acheive it. My personal motto: "How can people give you what you need if you don't ask for it?" so that's what I would try. Ask for the support you need and if you don't get it, move on. Best wishes!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 2:26 PM

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sorry to go on with this, but "they are probably just jealous" really does not get confusing in electronic comminications. there is no misinterpretation of voice tone or inflection or hidden sarcasm. it is a plain statement that is nasty, period.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 2:44 PM

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Perhaps you might consider whether it's touching a nerve for you because it's close to home? Do you ever get jealous of disciplined people?

I really don't find that poster's statement offensive.

Over and out :-)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 2:47 PM

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actually when i was in high school and started to notice feelings that made me uncomfortable, i tried to pinpoint the triggers for those feelings. when i discovered a feeling of jealousy i would try to find what behavior or trait i was feeling jealous about and then try to incorporate those behaviors or traits into my personality a bit. that helped me turn jealous feelings into feelings of admiration and motivated me to become more like those who i admired. i just feel that when the "they" one refers to on this site are actually fellow group members, it's a bit demoralizing. people are in groups together to gain support from each other and to label those supporters as jealous insinuates a sort of sabotage-method. i don't play that way nor do my supporters. but whatever works for you guys.....results are the target we are ALL aiming for!!!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 3:02 PM

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Why don't you start a group for people like you? I was frustrated and started a new group. I'm still in my old one because there is one person I don't want to leave behind but most of my encouragement and progress comes from the group I started.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 3:07 PM

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you could call it the "don't bite your tongue"

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 3:19 PM

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There has been a "no sugar-coated posts" group before - it's probably full, but there could always be a second or third edition of any theme.

"Support" is such a problem word. To different people, it can mean applause, or commiseration, or criticism, or cheerleading, or talking up a new fad every day. It would be helpful if individuals explained what they want or don't want from others. And it would be tactful to try to sound people out before you go off in some direction without knowing whether they'll find it helpful or hurtful.

I think you usually can't change other people. Either live with them (so to speak) or don't live with them, whichever suits you better. You can always create another group.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 4:08 PM

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It is true that people with self discipline rarely relate to those who lack it. I can't support enough the idea of creating a team or group to attract folks you can relate to.

A team has exists for folks who have a problem with overeating. It is called "Cheat & Binge - No More." People of all shapes and sizes are members because binge eating is not defined by how much one weighs. It is a very active positive and supportive team where we work together to be overcomers of our eating issues. Please feel free to refer people to it, if you feel they could benefit from it.

PT is here to help us help each other. If we aren't meshing, we aren't helping each other.

Best wishes to all in your individual goals.

Below is the link to "Cheat & Binge - No More."



Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 5:55 PM

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As someone who has been dieting for over a year and has been in groups with the same people for that long, I feel safe in saying that we all go through phases of great discipline and poor discipline.

I would only leave if a new person joined who did nothing but log KFC and whole cheesecakes, never made an effort, and then whined about how she wasn't losing weight (briefly had someone like that - glad she time-expired pretty fast).

For the others, I stay and try to do what I can to get them back into their Happy Place where good discipline thrives. At the moment, however, they're doing this for me and I'm grateful.

I've also had people howl at me for eating too little (1500 calories is too little??), and it's unpleasant because if I don't take their advice, they don't back off. That's not so fun.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 6:18 PM

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4:08, I started that No Sugar Coating group, lol. My idea was just this. People need to be called on crap like that especially if they spout how well they eat and blah, blah, blah. I also want someone to tell me when they see me doing crap like that. I don't understand how a person can say I just can't lose the weight, I exercise and eat right but mean while they eat cake, cookies and other stuff. If you start a group be very specific about who you want in your group and make sure you state exactly what you expect from members as far as criticism and feedback.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 9:39 PM

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Easy to Misinterpret Electronic Communication

To: Wednesday, November 15, 2006, 1:59 PM

Thank you for your posting and your comment about electronic communication (Electronic communication is difficult to interpret. There are loads of examples where a person makes a comment in all innocence, and it's taken the wrong way.) I posted a comment recently that I thought was totally innocent and not meant to upset anyone. My post was removed as offensive! I was shocked but it opened my eyes to how easy electronic communication is to misinterpret.
We should keep this in mind.

Thursday, November 16, 2006, 12:02 AM

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i agree with starting your own group with very specific goals/needs in mind.

pesonally, i could never get by on 1200 calories a day-i would find myself hungry and weak-it doesn't work for me. however, i can relate to someone who has a binge problem-that is something i have suffered with for years.

i'm curious if the person in your group is a binge-er who tries hard most of the time with some relapses or if they are just someone who eats bad and never tries and that is what frustrating you. PT is full of different types of people, who have different health/weight/food issues and you have to take people with a grain of salt and remember that if one or two things were different, you could be in their shoes.

Thursday, November 16, 2006, 12:44 AM

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When someone worries about someone who is subsisting on an extremely low calorie count, you can interpret it as jealousy if you want, and you may be right.

When someone who is subsisting on an extremely low calorie count calls it being self-disciplined, they may also be right.

But there's also a good chance that the person who eats three pieces of cake and the person who eats very little both have variants of the same disease. It could be that the self-discipline is really an eating disorder, just as the binging is, and the worry is justifed.

My sisters had anorexia and bulimia. It can be pretty serious. So I suppose I am one of those "in every group" people whose radar pings a little when someone is eating a caloric intake below what's generally recommended as healthy. In fact, I get a little edgy about 1400-1600 calorie diets. It's just because my experience says that it could be something pretty risky. And as a result, I resist getting too obsessive about what I eat--which means that to someone who considers 1200 calories a day good discipline, I probably seem to be eating like a cow. (I am losing weight, though, in the nice slow lifetime-changes way I'm comfortable with, so I'm not stressing about it.)

Friday, November 17, 2006, 5:09 PM

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5:09, great comment. Very balanced and rational.

Friday, November 17, 2006, 6:04 PM

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1200 calories isn't to little for a lot of people its just right, especially if your dieting. I'm a diabetic and was on a 1600 cal diet but when I wanted to really lose weight and include weight training they tweaked my plan and some days I be eating 1200 and some 1800 cal.

Saturday, November 18, 2006, 1:54 AM

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And of course we are all different body sizes to begin with -- one of the women I work with is 4' 8" and light-framed, 1200 calories is a huge amount for her, whereas it is on the low side for me.

Saturday, November 18, 2006, 8:21 AM

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you're so pissed off because..

too few calories making you cranky??? just a thought.
However I agree that 3 pieces of cake is really absurd.

Friday, December 01, 2006, 4:41 PM

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You just must be great at this dieting thing. Maybe you can find a group of perfect people like yourself. Don't worry I am just jealous Good Luck !

Friday, December 01, 2006, 6:54 PM

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