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OT- guy trouble, advice needed

i've been with a really great guy in a committed relationship for the past 3 years. we've talked about marriage, family, goals, future, blah blah blah. we were really happy. though we fought some (like any couple) we always had fun together and trusted each other. he always treated me right.
then i went home over christmas for two weeks, and while i was there my life got turned upside down. he called me and said that though he still really loves me, he's not sure if i'm the right one for him & he wants to see other people, so we broke up. now we're still tight, and he says he's not sure if he wants to see other people but still has doubts about us. what do i do?? i love him, trust him, & believe what he says. how long do i wait for him to come around? am i just being pathetic? is he just scared of commitment? some friends have told me to just end it, but i'm in love with him and i know he loves me too. plus he's my best friend, so i'm really not ready to do that.
anyway, i know it's all very complicated. i'd just love any insight or advice or anything at this point. i'm kind of at a loss. TIA,

partona


Tue. Jan 9, 12:31am

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Give him the time he needs. DO NOT GIVE UP! He needs time. Get together and figure out what is going on. I think he is scared. He had two weeks without you and he freaked. I think the worst thing you can do is give up.

I went through this exact type of thing with my hubby, we are high school sweethearts, and I truly think that it made us stronger

good luck. follow your heart, and don't follow your friends advice.

jt

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 12:38 AM

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So, so sorry. Been there. It is so hard, I know!

Here is what I have learned after many Growth Experiences:
If you are clingy or needy at this critical time, it will not help your long-term situation. You must find the strength to be just a little bit aloof – take your own space – let him wonder if he’s not making a big mistake. Ever hear of that song, “How can I miss you if you won’t go away”? I am not trying to be cruel… but men are fickle (humans are fickle, actually…). You sound really rational and not like the clingy type, but in a crisis, people say desperate things. If you can step back a little bit, then if he comes back, you gracefully accomdate him (and he’s properly grateful!) OR… if he doesn’t come back… you have kept yourself intact and not let yourself fall to pieces (in front of him, at least). Anyway, that’s my take – GOOD LUCK, BE STRONG, remember to breathe! Feel yourself inside yourself. You are still intact and you always will be!


Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 12:43 AM

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Nows the time to rally the girlfriends. I'm not saying go out clubbing every night with the gals, but re-discover some of the 'you' that existed before there was 'us'. That's who he fell in love with and you might be surprised how refreshing it is to re-connect with her.

Also, i don't know that I would be very forgiving of him calling while you were out of town and telling you that way. I would be severely p*ssed that he couldn't have a face-to-face with me and instead took the coward's way out, called me on vacation and ruined my time with my family. I realize there may be more to it than that, but that's how I read the situation. I'm sorry but it strongly appears that he was being a jackass in that instance and I would not so easily allow him back. I demand some emotional maturity in my men - a guy doesn't have to bear his soul on a regular basis, but he does need to have some introspection and be prepared to communicate about it in a rational, adult-like manner on a semi-regular basis.

You need to stand up for yourself and it doesn't mean telling him to hit the highway, but it does mean you simply do not accept less than you deserve which is a committed relationship. Please do not give him all the benefits of a relationship without any of the commitment. If he doesn't want a relationship fine, then he doesn't get to act like you're his girlfriend when it's convenient and then 'isn't sure' when it's not. I'm sure he's genuine in his confusion but you will only add to it if you don't firmly stand up for, and enforce what you want out of the relationship. Best wishes to you both!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 1:19 AM

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SPACE SPACE SPACE! I agree!
If you stick around now, he's going to get used to the idea that he can rely on you when HE'S lonely, and drag this thing out....he needs time and space to figure it out and get back to you. Don't cut it off, but tell him you love him, you want a future with him, but it can't be a future in limbo. Tell him what you want and need right now in a relationship, and although it hurts, you need to have him figure out what he wants before you can proceed in any way. The worst thing is to have a relationship stay undefined.
And stay strong! Don't let him emotionally blackmail you with stuff like "If you really loved me you'd stay by my side while I figured things out" blah blah blah. Total manipulation, even if he doesn't realize it. Hang in there, and know you are not alone!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 1:22 AM

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I love these last few comments... but I'm not sure I totally agree that you should tell him you love him and want a committed relationship (right now) - he *knows* that already. And it's like giving him something he doesn't deserve and won't take care of (for now). I agree that him CALLING you to tell you he wanted some apart time was pretty cheezy. I hope you can concentrate on YOU (new hair... new cute lingerie... stay healthy, etc etc, all the stuff this site is about) but do it for yourself, not to get him back. Remember to love yourSelf more than you love him - that is the foundation you build that your love for others rests on.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 1:42 AM

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not sure what i would do in your situation but my heart goes out to you! i'm sorry you are dealing with this right now!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 1:59 AM

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Give him time on his own. This is one of those classic poster moments: If you love something, set it free -- If it comes back to you it is yours; if not, hunt it down and kill it. ;-)

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 7:56 AM

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whoa 7:56!
lol

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 8:03 AM

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It might just be the pessimist in me..... But if a guy after 3 years of committed dating, calls you (especially during Christmas) to "take a break". I would venture to say he was wanting to hook up with someone during that time......... and now his guilt is alleviated, because "your technically broken up".

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 8:10 AM

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My advice is to agree to give him space, but when he wants to talk, do it in a public place, or at least not at one of your places, and try to do it in person (allows for better communication than the phone). And, I say public places so that you actually end up talking, rather than getting distracted and hooking up, etc. Try your best not to hook up with him as long as he's unsure about whether he wants to be with you or not. That way, he'll really notice that he's "missing something" by being unsure, and it'll encourage him to make a decision.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 10:37 AM

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Wow, an OT relationship thread with tons of support and great advice -- great to see it!!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 1:26 PM

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My heart goes out to you. I would leave the ball in his court, to be honest. Make sure that he knows you're giving him space, not being indifferent. He's the one who's confused about how he feels, and only he can figure that out. Trying to persuade him to stay will come across as clingy.

All the best and I hope things work out.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 1:52 PM

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I agree with most of the posters about giving him space and time to figure things out. Did you ever get a sense from him before that he was having doubts? Any little clues that you didn't realize until after you broke up? If this really came out of the blue, I would be careful. It sounds like the possibility that he might have met someone else is not that far fetched. It is easy to get confused after being in a long relationship where you know all of the ins and outs of your partner, when you meet someone new and exciting.
Just a thought, I hope that is not the case, but be aware that it could be an issue.
Keep us updated.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007, 3:32 PM

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thanks guys, for all the wonderful support and advice. it means alot.
and now, an update. last week he said to me "i need you. i love you. i can't imagine my life without you." he's still not 100% sure but apparently he knows that he loves me and wants to be with me, at least for now. it's not exactly what i wanted to hear, but it's close, so i took him back. for now we're back together but i don't really trust that our relationship is secure anymore. we're trying to take it slow. i move back into school tomorrow (so i'll only see him on weekends. this is how it was all last semester) and we'll see how that goes. thanks again! i just wanted to let you all know what's happening.
-partona

Monday, January 15, 2007, 12:52 PM

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I went through the same thing with my now husband. After dating for 3 years he felt he needed space and wanted to date other people. I gave him the space he needed and after about two weeks he wanted me back. We dated another 4 years before getting married (total of 7 years!) and now we've been married for 10 years. Good things are worth waiting for, being patient, and working on.

Monday, January 15, 2007, 9:41 PM

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