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Giving a guy space- how much is enough?

when a guy says he needs more space, what the heck does that mean? I'm pretty sure in my case he is not going anywhere. helllllp!

Wed. Jan 17, 1:38pm

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As a guy, I second that.

Let him alone and he'll understand that yo "get" him. Crowd him and you'll confirm his doubts.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 1:57 PM

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Generally speaking it means that he still wants to have sex with you without the commitment. If he wants space give him space. Doesn't mean you can't be happy to see him or enjoy his company, but do not give him the benefits that come with a relationship if he's not willing to be in one (ie: sex, financial support or co-habitation).

I would say act like you're dating, but not dating exclusively him. Make plans with your friends, don't be quite so available, be open to meeting other people, and just in general start moving on and see how he feels about that. If you just hang around, put your life on hold and come running to every booty call, then all you teach him is that you are desperate and will put up with whatever terms he wants to dictate and he learns how far he can push you. This may not be his concious thought process, but your actions will determine what he learns about your limits and your tolerance for his behavior. In short maintain your self-respect and don't allow him to push your boundaries for fear that you might lose him. Best wishes!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 1:59 PM

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if you find it very hard to give him space, try to pretend he is out of town or somehow unreachable. when someone wants space, or time alone, it is not necessarily a reflection of your behavior or how he feels about you. it may be he needs to assess himself and his needs as an individual and it is hard to do so while involved in a serious relationship. just as there may be a time for you to "need space" to regroup as a person rather than as a partner or lover or girlfriend or daughter or mother or whatever, others may need time away from their regular daily activities to get a better idea of what they want to accomplish with their life.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:09 PM

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When I would say "I need some space" what I was trying to communicate to my then girlfriend, now wife was that I needed some space.

Maybe I needed to spend a day goofing off and playing video games, or maybe I needed to just hang out by myself. What it generally boiled down to is "I'd love you a whole lot more if you gave me a chance to actually miss you."

Everyone needs alone time at some point.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:18 PM

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To the 2:18 poster

To 2:18pm commenter.
Wow, thank you for saying/typing that.
Lately i feel i have been feeeling that i have been not allowing my huby much guy time. Now, im going to make him take it! He need to have time thats his, weather he realizes it or not. Im going to let him miss me ;) hehee

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:24 PM

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I'm usually the one who needs space in my relationship. But I've managed to get my husband to realize that it's not about him. It's about me. I love him dearly, and wouldn't want my life any other way. But sometimes I just need a night off, to lie in bed watching telly, reading my book, or simply doing nothing. It always concerns me when someone can't spend time in their own company. The way I see it, I'm in a relationship with myself too. And if I spend some time alone with myself, I'll feel more nurtured and be able to love myself more.

OP, how old are you? I think "I need space" from a guy means different things to men of different ages. When you're 18, I need space could mean whoooa, I'm feeling crowded. In late 20s/30s, it probably means: I need some time to figure things out in my head. You know what I mean?

One other thing. I think it's a good idea to give a partner space, even if she/he doesn't ask for it. They may not be aware of that need in themselves, but the relationship will benefit from some breathing space.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:34 PM

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I'm not a guy, but I need space

I'm not a guy -- I'm a woman who needs a lot of space.

When I say, "I need space today," or "This is a 'me' day," I mean:

1) DO NOT decide this is the morning to wake me up by calling at 7 am. (no kidding, 2 separate boyfriends have done this) It doesn't make me feel romantic -- it makes me want to kill you.
2) DO NOT call to check in every half hour all day. Believe it or not, I don't care what you're doing.
3) DO NOT ask your mother to drop in at my place to see how I'm doing!!!

Just accept: I'm probably painting my toenails, breathing nailpolish fumes, and spacing out -- for once not feeling as if I need to be doing something for someone else. Or maybe I'm off ice skating, mindlessly going around in circles and relaxing. Or maybe I'm tinkering around with my junker car again -- to me it's like putting a puzzle together, NO I don't want you to come tell me what to do and how to be efficient, I'm having fun!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:38 PM

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a little off-the-main-topic, but

wow, above poster! maybe you need to date a different type of guy! you've had a lot to put up with. i would need "me time" all the time if i had someone do any of the things you listed.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 2:46 PM

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It is a good thing that your boyfriend can vocalize that he needs space - it is a good instruction to be able to give. Last night, I was totally PMSing, I think; I was just irritable. And my husband always needs LOTS of attention (i.e. "Come here and watch how good I'm getting at Wii baseball!" - or, even, on occasion, "Pay attention to me!" - Seriously...) And everything he was doing was annoying me. So, finally I just figured out to say, "Honey, I love you, but I do not have the energy to pay attention to you right now. Please play your games on your own or whatever you want to do, but just leave me alone for a bit." It worked perfectly! He didn't want to annoy me, but, he didn't know how to stop until I told him. Now that I'm out of my funk, I'm happy to give him attention; I just couldn't do it then.

I'm not saying that you demand attention like my (sometimes infantile) husband; just that it's great to get useful instructions, rather than criticisms or complaints.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 3:20 PM

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2.38, you made me laugh. I used to be exactly the same. I've never understood why people who live together, for instance, have to call one another up at work, an hour after they left home... just to ask how their day is going. When I had a boyfriend, I'd tell him: Don't call me every day unless you have something important to tell me.

My husband used to be like that, but has become much better. Now I get perhaps one call a day. I explained to him that when I'm at work, I'm working. I don't have time to talk about my day until it's over. It also helped to have "official" catch-up time in the evenings. INstead of watching telly, we eat our dinner at the table, and spend the time talking about frustrations etc that happen at work.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007, 4:54 PM

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